It’s A Rant!
Posted By Kristabella on June 17, 2008
So this coming weekend, I was invited to an “Uncensored” shower for a friend of mine.
First thought: R. Kelly won’t be there will he? I know how GOLDEN his “uncensored” showers are.
Second thought: This is going to make my prudish self uncomfortable. I just know it.
My friend Jenny, the Chicago Woman of the Year Finalist, is getting married in August. I got this invitation in the mail from one of her friends, I assumed, and marked the day on my calendar. Supposedly the whole “uncensored” part is supposed to be naughty and you’re supposed to bring bedroom clothes as a gift. I got that much from it listing her bra and panty size on the invitation.
The shower starts at 4 PM and afterwards we’re going out for a pseudo-bachelorette party. Or girls night on the town. Something.
Let me just state one thing, I hate showers. Of all kind. (Even the ones I’m forced to take in the morning because society tells me I’m better without a funk.) I realize they are a tradition and look, when I get married (I said WHEN! The positive outlook, it returns!) I plan to have a large shower. And I plan on not buying any pots, pans or mixing bowls until that time.
But I will not make any of you sit through me opening that shit. I will take your presents, give you food and booze and then I will send you on your merry way. And you will get a very nice thank you note from Bacon in your mailbox. The opening the gifts thing? Hate. Heat-of-17,000-suns hate. Shakes-fists-at-the-heavens hate.
Luckily, I’ve been able to skirt so many of the important bridal showers in my good friends’ lives. Both of my best friends, Lori and Julie, lived out of state and I just did my bridesmaidy duty from afar. With moral support. And GLEE! at not having to sit through any bridal showers.
So needless to say, I was not overjoyed at this idea of going to Jenny’s shower. But she is a good friend, as am I, so I RSVP’d. I figured it said COCKTAILS on the invitation so I would be well equipped.
Today, while exchanging emails with my friend Michelle, I got some details on this “uncensored” BUY LINGERIE FOR THE BRIDE bridal shower. The woman throwing it lives in California (which I gathered from the RSVP phone number she left on the “uncensored” invitation. Don’t get me started on the fact that she didn’t leave an email address to RSVP to. Does she NOT know my avoidance of the phone, especially when it involves CALLING STRANGERS?) This woman isn’t able to attend the wedding because she’s the luckiest fool ever and gets to go work the Olympics in China. And I am not jealous AT ALL.
So she’s throwing this get together because she’s close with Jenny and wants to do something nice for her and feels bad that she can’t stand in Jenny’s wedding because hello? OLYMPICS IN CHINA! PEACE OUT!
First thought: That’s very nice of her.
Second thought: I hate her already.
Third thought: I wonder what kind of booze she’s going to have.
So I ask Michelle “do I actually have to buy UNDERWEAR for her? Because I’m a prude and DO NOT WANT. Could I totally be the asshat who brings spatulas and cookie sheets to an ‘uncensored’ shower?” Michelle tells me that she and another girl are planning on throwing Jenny a mixing bowls/mixer/gravy boat typical shower in July.
First thought: Good. Because I like to buy kitchen utensils in my spare time.
Second thought: Hold the fuck up, TWO SHOWERS?
I know. I’m a selfish whore. She’s getting married. You are supposed to get gifts. But then my other friend Carrie was all “this is a bachelorette party gift, not a normal shower gift.”
First thought: Oh, OK.
Second thought: WAIT A COTTON PICKIN’ MINUTE! Since when do we buy bachelorette party gifts that are not lots and lots of booze?
All the bachelorette parties I’ve been to have been gift-free. I’m a purist and the gifts should be a BRIDE hat or a Suck for A Buck shirt. Or penis memorabilia, if you’re into that kind of stuff. (Note: I AM NOT.) The whole idea is to hang out with your girlfriends, have a good time and get so fucking shitfaced you don’t remember doing that jello shot off some dude’s midsection. (OK, that was my Saturday night.)
I am poor. I love my friends, I love giving gifts, but it is not within my means to be buying all these things. And I also like to fucking complain a lot.
I know we will all have a fun time. Even though I’ll be uncomfortable around all the bras, panties and naughty bedroom wear. Which is why I plan to drink all sorts of “uncensored” drinks.
And I also just wish I was on the ball enough to give here these. But I dropped the ball and am not paying $20 shipping for a thong.
Maybe for shower number two.
About the author
All the bachelorette parties I’ve been to have included gifts of lacey or leathery things for the bride, in addition to a separate shower for the usual cookery stuff. YES, IT’S PRICEY AND IRRITATING. I totally agree with you 100% on this entire post. The only thing worse? BABY SHOWERS!!!! The games are truly horrific. I spend most of the time there asking myself what I did in a past life to deserve having to sit through all that ooh-ing and ahh-ing over breast pumps and butt paste, and that’s just the bachelorette gifts! HA HA HA. Anyway, right on sister.
Jules
House of Jules
HouseofJules’s last blog post..Oye Como WHA?
The Bacon Thong: the perfect choice for the “Uncensored Shower!” Man, when the royalties come rollin’ in…
Coast Rat’s last blog post..BLOND GIRL’S SURPRISE TWENTY-FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY!
I always thought a bachelorette party was the bride’s way of getting you boozed up in thanks for buying and wearing an overpriced ugly sateen gown and dye to match shoes.
But really, practice what you preach. WWBD? Bacon would give her a thong and down another shot.
Dingo’s last blog post..What’s Black and White and Green All Over?
or ….just send some perfume or lotions from Victoria Secret.
You could just go whole hog and buy a kama sutra book for the bride. That is SERIOUSLY UNCENSORED. None of that pansy bra and panty shit. 🙂
Raven’s last blog post..weekly word challenge
Your “hate” of bridal showers is rooted in your childhood when you were excited to go to a family bridal shower at the age of 3….but started crying on the way there cuz you thought you had to TAKE a shower at the party. You were funny even then!
Oh, and the bridal shower you went to at 3? Worst shower ever. The bride-to-be read ALL the words in ALL the cards…I poked my eye with a fork so we could leave. Before Jim McMahon thought of it.
Go. Suffer. Bring something cheap like emotion lotion, or massage oil.
Get wasted.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Smite Me
Sucking jello shots off a dude’s midsection on a Saturday night?
Where the HELL were you when I was single! I spent my Saturday nights at home watching Lifetime TV. =(
just kidding.
sweet bacon undies!
Ashmystir’s last blog post..got boobs?
If I were having a shower, I would rather get a good gift, like a toaster, than some underwear I can buy myself at Target.
Neil’s last blog post..Childhood Clues to My Adult Personality
I’ve discovered what happens when a ring goes on your left finger. Amnesia. You forget the times when you claimed that you would NEVER subject your friends to games and matching dresses and you would NEVER become one of THOSE brides. But then you do. I blame it on Martha Stewart Weddings & Mindy Weiss and have seen one too many friends go down that path of “Bride Crazy” where I’m looking at them thinking “Wait a second, you there sipping beer out of a large penis cup with a straw and wearing a jock on your head. I thought you said you’d never do this?” And they say back “tomorrow I’ll be carrying my bouquet full of ribbons from shower #4 at the rehearsal, you brought it, didn’t you?” That’s when I say “oops! But I’m sure the host of shower #6 brought that one!” Perhaps this is why I’m not invited to be in many weddings ..
AMEN. But I have to agree with the above commentor…all bets are off when it’s your time.
Love the undies, BTW. You should totally get some for yourself.
Kristie’s last blog post..Do you ever wonder?
Not all baby showers are awful. We were having a boy and we did a baseball theme–complete with mini Cubs helmets, peanuts, cracker jacks and hot dogs. It was fun. And I didn’t get a breast pump.
I have never been to an uncensored shower though, I’m thinking a Victoria’s Secret gift card would work.
The day after my bachlorette party I was SO sick and could not stop throwing up which is unfortunate because it was the day of the rehearsal dinner.
We had a blast though and started the night at The Baton…I highly recommend you go there.
Sarah’s last blog post..We Interrupt Your Tuesday For a Very Important Announcement…
I totally dare you to make Jenny a suck for a buck t-shirt and wrap it up all pretty and insist that she wears it! (she would kill you).
couldn’t agree more. and i have never approved of anyone telling the size of their underwear so that i can buy them some. ick. mabye i am a Puritan. the whole ordeal is totally out of control. and Serendipitous Girl–I totally concur that people are always “i would never do that” but some people (like myself) can actually get married and not totally screw over their friends and make them spend millions. it is possible. but you have to work at it b/c the martha stewart stuff will eat your brains!
michele’s last blog post..Belated Father’s Day
“I got that much from it listing her bra and panty size on the invitation.”
i cannot stop laughing at this.
ali’s last blog post..tide blue. and siyonara.
I full support your hated of all things shower. And bridesmaids dresses and uh, weddings (ok, those last two are mine). I tottaly agree with the poster above who mentioned bringing the Kama Sutra.
JRM’s last blog post..The Weather
I’m with Sheri, get her a Vic’s Secret gift card. Or, some candles she can use to set the mood. Or alcohol, which is always the right size and style.
Jen on the Edge’s last blog post..Small town
Totally agree.
I am so not inviting you to the shower I’m not having!
I’m having a shower where I’m only inviting the friends who have been the recipients of the hundreds of dollars I’ve spent on multiple gifts
Noelle’s last blog post..Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, FLIP!
I was mentioned in a post! Don’t worry about spending a lot. Jenny will not care.
I hate showers too! Of the bridal/baby kind. I happen to like the ones involving water.
A WWBD thong would be classic.
Angella’s last blog post..Waterlogged
I also hate bestowing lingerie on other people. I do not want to buy undies for others; I do not want others to buy undies for me. Period.
I am blogging TODAY about what I ended up doing for a bachelorette party last weekend.
Another girl gave the bride a trashy bodice-ripping romance novel. I thought that was a funny way to do “uncensored” while avoiding the underwear question.
Laurel’s last blog post..Still In Love After All These Years
You could always get them a subscription to some sort of, um, racy magazine. You wouldn’t need to actually show up with anything but a card! 😉
Ree’s last blog post..While I’m Updating the Lust Links
Give her the baking sheets with a recipe for “uncensored” cookies. Hey, Pillsbury figured out a way to put christmas trees in their sugar cookies…I’m sure someone has figured out how to make them naughty.
Jenn’s last blog post..She Made Me Want To Rip Out My Uterus And Throw It In The Ocean
This whole shower, spend gobs of money thing is exactly why I won’t be having a huge wedding. In fact, I may just wander off to the Justice of the Peace on a random Tuesday afternoon and email everyone afterwords.
I am actually getting married this fall. Here’s the thing. I HATE weddings and HATE HATE HATE showers and bachelorette parties even more. (This wedding is totally my fiance’s thing.)
So tonight I am having dinner with a friend, because she wants to “pick my brain” about bachelorette party ideas, and my brain will be telling her no penis paraphenalia, stupid underwear, shots from mens’ midsections, etc. I’m asking if we can just pretend it happened and moved on.
So you are not alone in your dislike.
It’s very difficult to feign happiness over a ceramic plate embossed with your husband’s name and your misspelled name. Ceramic plates are just so damn dumb. Right up there with anything etched with a heart. Pu-uke.
Bacon Thong. All the way. You can do it. I believe in you.
The Over-Thinker’s last blog post..And the popular choice is: PROSTITUTE (I’m starting to wonder about my readers…)
please don’t ever say “panty” again. It hurts bacon.
beej’s last blog post..Blogology
My in-laws threw me a shower, and it was so boring to open presents from strangers in front of strangers. But all the little old ladies loved it, so there you go. And it was very nice of my in-laws to have a shower for me. I think for the baby, instead of having a shower, we are going to have a BBQ. Yay!
-R-‘s last blog post..I’d Like The Franz Liszt, Please
Yeah, every bachelorette party I’ve been to has a pre-party where we give “uncensored” gifts. So it doesn’t seem too off the wall to me. Sorry! I agree, just get her a gift card. That always fits!
Erin’s last blog post..Save Me From Myself
This is EXACTLY the kind of thing I hate about weddings (and why I’m not having a “real” one … okay part of why). Screw that! I’m with you on the opening of presents at the party – bah! In fact, I’m with you on this whole freakin’ post – right on!
rye’s last blog post..Wii is watching
That isn’t right! You should protest.
Ex’s last blog post..Moooooooooooooooragrougioldlkj.
I have a friend who had a traditional shower, a lingerie shower and a honey-dew shower..lots and lots of $$. It wasn’t her fault or planning per say, but it was a little much.
that girl’s last blog post..Coma..
I threw a friend’s engagement party once just so I could make sure we wouldn’t do anything cheesy. I liked on Sex and the City when she registered because she was single:)
Scarlet’s last blog post..Who Cares Why?
Showers are fun when they are for you … not so much when you are forced to be the guest.
Also? I didn’t get the memo once that it was a bedroom shower and brought a throw blanket. Hey! At least she could’ve used it in the bedroom! (everyone else was giving lingerie and dildos … new search term! bacon dildo!) (you’re welcome)
moo’s last blog post..another thing I shouldn’t complain about
I had three showers because three separate groups of people asked to throw one, but I did my best to not invite anyone to more than one. And if I did (bridesmaids), I personally e-mailed them to tell them no gift was expected but if they wanted to, they only had to bring one to whichever they wanted. One of my good friends, Lauren, came to all of them, just because she wanted to but only brought one gift. And of COURSE that’s OK. If you’re going to have more than one—and sometimes it’s hard not to with different circles of friends, etc—but you have to make sure people know you want their company, not their money. It’s also important to remember that when someone who was super kind to you during your engagement, marriage needs you to throw a party or host a get-together, you JUMP at the chance. You’re a good friend. I’m sure she feels lucky to have you.
She Likes Purple’s last blog post..He Gave Me His Hands And His Love for Donuts*
The last shower I went to – the bridal party lined up and helped with opening gifts. So by the time the gift got to the bride she only had to look at it and say, “ohhh…ahhh…very nice.” Even though she KNEW what was coming. Come on, you get to register for stuff – so how the hell are you supposed to act surprised or anything! You can’t even credit the gift-giver with good taste – you picked it out!
Cathy’s last blog post..After the Kids are Tucked into Bed…
And, does that thong come in a size 24? I have been hitten the bacon and am a little largish.
WENDY’s last blog post..Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful
howdy! moo and raven sent me your way 🙂
i’m sort of pissed at how many effing parties / gifts / showers / etc brides get these days. when i was just out of college, we’d have ONE SHOWER and then go out that same night and get trashed and check items off a novelty tshirt. now brides get a shower for friends, one for family, a bachelorette party, AND a wedding gift. that’s A LOT, especially if you’re in the wedding party and are invited to ALL OF THOSE. also paying to be in the wedding already.
uhh… not that you’ve hit a nerve, or anything.
Alice’s last blog post..change of plans!!!
I stumbled upon your blog…..can’t remember how… that is usually how it happens to me… anywho I love it, I love your rants, I have only read two post so far and I am hooked.
So it’s official you are on my “fav blogs” list
PS- You had me at “f**k” because I giggled that you even had that in the subject line. 😀
GOOD DAY!
Melinda Ann’s last blog post..Talented, creative, short, fun, whimsical….
WOA. those underear are outrageous.
Chelsea Talks Smack’s last blog post..All Jacked UP
Yeah – showers, not fun. I already said that when I finally settle down, I’m having my bachelorette party in Vegas. No penis toys, stupid shirts, codom chains, nada. And my guests don’t have to give me gifts. Bridal showers also drive me batty. I had to throw one for a former boss of mine and I seriously wanted to blind myself it was driving me nuts. Ugh!
Lys’s last blog post..Archiving The Past…