Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on June 2, 2008

So thankfully my trip wasn’t all about bumping my head in a taxi cab accident. That small piece of my time was just something to talk about incessantly when I wasn’t talking about my BLAWG or Bacon. Because, holy shit people, I can talk about NOTHING ELSE.

My flight out to San Francisco (never to be called San Fran or Frisco EVER) was uneventful. I sat in the first row behind first class and I have never wanted wine at 10 AM more in my life. This older couple proceeded to get SAUCED on the free wine on the four-hour flight. I even overheard the flight attendant tell the old man “I should just bring you the bottle.” To which he replied, through slurred words, “You bet your sweet ass you should!”

Even more impressive was the drunk couple wandering the San Francisco airport shitfaced at 1 in the afternoon. It gave me a glimpse of what I will be like in 30 years. And I’m just all kinds of giddy

After I got in, I spent the afternoon wandering around the Marina, reminiscing about all the drunken good times I spent at the bars on Union Street. Thursday night I met Lori and her entire family out for dinner. The reason for this trip was to celebrate her 30th birthday. And now you can all see why we’re friends, since she too had a weekend long celebration for her 30th, just like yours truly. Her entire family came in to help her celebrate and they are awesome! They are like my surrogate family. Love them!

After dinner we went out for a lot of drinks. And I decided I was going to act like an 18-year old and drink every kind of alcohol available to me. I spent a lot of time with Marissa. She’s a BIG fan of this here blog. She said I inspired her to blog. (And also told me I need to ghost write it for her.) After dinner she sidled up to me at the bar like an old man preying on drunk women on 25-cent beer night, and declared that her whole goal for the weekend was to get mentioned on my blog. To which I responded “oh, you just did that. Mission asscomplished.”

Marissa is Lori’s cousin. And my new blog SUPER FAN. Or blog stalker. I’m still not sure where the line is yet. Isn’t she just the cutest? She is actually one of the funniest people I know. And I’m impressed that she’s so put together and has such a good head on her shoulders at such a young age. I also don’t like to hang out with her because she’s so damn cute and she’s funnier than me and I like to be the funniest person in any given room. Which is hard to do with this group because Lori’s family is hysterical.

In the photo above you can also see just how drunk I was. And there was more to be imbibed after this. And also one hell of a taxi ride.

Needless to say, I was HURTING on Friday. I actually slept until 2 PM. Which was fine with me because one, I was on vacation for fuck’s sake, two, I needed to make sure I was feeling good for the rest of the weekend and three, I lived there for six years so the touristy stuff wasn’t a huge priority for me. And it was also effing cold and foggy! (I know. Shocker, right? Foggy in San Francisco. But it never burned off and it was COLD. Even the weather biatch said it was “unseasonably cool” for this time of year.)

Friday was spent sleeping and catching up with my hosts, Betsey and Matt, AKA The Hoddys. And then we met the family group out for drinks later and had a low key night. Even though the restaurant was a little scary, with skulls and wild animals.

On Saturday, I enjoyed the lovely homeyness of the Hoddy B&B, highlighted by Pillsbury cinnamon rolls for breakfast. And then Betsey and I went out to the Union Street Festival for the day. I could tell stories from this festival, where I have spent many a drunken time. So it was just fate that I happened to be back in SF at the same time that my favorite festival was going on.

Well, it used to be my favorite festival. SF can learn a thing or two from Chicago about street festivals. The Union Street Festival has designated drinking areas in fenced in beer gardens. You are not allowed to walk the streets with a beer in your hand. Which is asinine. The bars along Union Street are open, but they are JAMMED with people. And I am old now and do not like crowds.

We walked around, looking at the booths with free Kashi treats, art and jewelry, which I’ve never actually done before. I’ve only ever gone to drink mass quantities of beer while squeezed into a small beer garden. I don’t think I actually even knew there were booths there until this weekend. We then decided to grab a tri-tip sandwich to eat, which quite possibly was the WORST SANDWICH I have ever eaten. And I want my $9 back. Because it was disappointing and made me wish I went with food on a stick. Any food on a stick. Food on a stick never disappoints you.

Finally, we found a cute bar that we decided to check out since we wanted a beer to wash away the horrible memories of the TRI-TIP SAMMICH FROM HELL. We ended up at this cute Italian restaurant and scored a table right near the entrance. And then we proceeded to drink beer and people watch, complete with mocking and judging, for about three hours. It was a fabulous time.

The highlight was some guy who asked a girl to video tape him and his friends doing two shots and drinking a beer. “Hmmm,” Betsey and I thought. “That’s a weird thing to record.” Until asshat tells this strange chick that he’s video taping his friend that just fell off the wagon after going through rehab and being sober for seven years. SEVEN YEARS! And apparently he was taping him so that when he fell into a downward spiral again, he could show him the video tape so he’ll get his ass to rehab again. Why would you encourage his drinking in THE FIRST PLACE?????

Betsey was all “I hope that is not a pick-up line.” And Lord help us if it was. You’d have to be the worst person ever to find that endearing. I just think this guy was socially retarded. Because later he was talking about how he lives in Portland and hates it because it is so gloomy and “much more monochromatic” than San Francisco. (Head scratcher there, pal.) And then told this girl, that he was apparently hitting on, “I call my mom and I tell her how depressing it is and I cry. All the time.”

And then I punched myself in the face. And had some more of these.

Saturday night was the BIG BIRTHDAY EVENT. We were having a trolley party, which essentially means you pay some money to have a motorized cable car drive you all over the city all whilst drinking lots and lots of alcohol. And then you stop at a few bars along the way, mostly to pee, and get back on the trolley where you’ve already paid for your liquor. It is a fabulous time full of fabulousness.

And I think Lori had a great time ringing in a new decade! I know I had fun helping her!

I had such a great time. I love to travel, but I am also a homebody and such a creature of habit. I can usually manage for a few days and then I start to miss my bed and my stupid cats and just my routine. This was the first time that I can ever remember where I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to move back rightthissecond. I miss that fabulous city. But, even more, I miss my friends.

And I know that moving back there wouldn’t be the same as it was when I lived there because so many of my friends have moved away. But I I miss my friends, my friends that I can have a great time with no matter what we are doing, my friends that saw me through some of the most important years of my adult life. Friends who you can just sit around and laugh with until your head hurts from the lack of oxygen. Friends who truly know you inside and out and love you all the same. That is what I miss.

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Later this week: Bacon shares his escapades from the trip. Including his first ever trip on public transportation and on a trolley!

Categories: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Gotta Have Friends, Hooch Hilarity, Travel
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