Fighting The Sads
Posted By Kristabella on August 18, 2009
I never drank coffee regularly until I was almost 27 years old.
It might come to a shock to most people who know me because I love my coffee. (See all my whiney posts when I had to cut out coffee when I started getting acid reflux.) But up until the summer of 2004, I didn’t need coffee to jolt me awake in the morning. I didn’t need caffeine to start my day. Plus, I really hated the taste of it. Now, I had tried coffee and mochas and lattes prior to 2004, but if I needed caffeine, I was more likely to grab a Mountain Dew or a Diet Coke.
That all changed five years ago when I had no choice but to start drinking coffee, and lots of it. Some time that summer, I started to have trouble sleeping. At first it started off with me getting enough sleep, but clearly the sleep was restless because I woke up exhausted. It didn’t matter if I got 4 hours of sleep or 14, I would wake up so tired it was as if I had been up for 42 hours straight.
I figured it was all due to stress. I remember the first weekend I felt that exhausted feeling upon waking up. It was 4th of July weekend and I was house/dog sitting for a friend of mine. I normally slept so well in their house, but this time was different. I blamed it on the fact that I fell asleep every night proofreading the 49ers media guide, which is not entertaining reading in the least. But it meant that I went to bed stressing about all I had to get done in a short period of time (editing and putting together two major publications all before the start of training camp) and not having enough time during the work day that I had to bring work home with me. During a holiday weekend.
But then July ended and August was here and I still wasn’t sleeping. My publications were put to bed. And yet I, was not getting any sleep. For the next few months I battled sleep. It was an epic battle and I lost. Every. Single. Night.
For months, I would generally get about 3-4 hours of sleep. Nothing worked. Not Benedryl, not Nyquil, not Ambien. I would fall asleep OK, get about three hours of sleep and then I would toss and turn until it was time to get up and go to work. Usually I would fight it and force myself to try and rest my eyes and not watch the clock. As the weeks went on, I gave up and just ended up watching Nick at Nite and reliving my youth through Three’s Company and The Cosby Show.
Needless to say, I was a hot mess. It was the middle of football season and I needed energy. I worked long days and long weeks, with the only end in sight being January when the season was over. Mountain Dew and Diet Coke weren’t doing the trick anymore, I had to switch to the hard stuff. JAVA. JOE. LIQUID CAFFEINE.
It helped. A little. When you’re not sleeping at all, you can only use caffeine to push you through so far. It just dulls the pain. It didn’t help with my irritability and my disdain for most things in my life. I hated my job, hated my life and just wanted a good night’s sleep.
I’ve never really talked about my battle with depression on this site. It doesn’t really fit in with the “Full of Snark” name in the URL. It’s not funny. The period of my life from July 2004 until early 2005 was not a good time. It is a time period I would much rather forget and erase. It was a period I hoped I would never have to go through again. I hoped that my depression was a one-time deal. After I got better, I would never need the medicine again.
I was wrong. Things have happened recently that have made me recall that dark period in my life, that time when I snapped at the people I loved and turned into the worst human being. I was a bitch to everyone and I am lucky, to this day, that those people are still my friends and are willing to look past that bad time in my life and see that I was going through something, even if I didn’t tell them all about it.
A few weeks ago, I found myself doing some of the same things. I was irritable, insecure and I lashed out at the people I love. It was part of my personality I was hoping never to see again. But there it was, rearing that ugly head again. But this time, I knew what to look for. This time, I knew how to fix it. This time, I vowed, I would never hit rock bottom again, like I did that last time. Once was enough.
Anti-depressants helped me get better last time. But there will always be that stigma related to these medicines. Depression to some is just being sad or down in the dumps. To some, fixing depression just means turning your frown upside down and being happier and just moving on in life. If only it were that simple.
But in my head, the stigma stays, even though that medicine helped me in so many ways. I didn’t want to admit I was depressed. I didn’t want to go back on medicine. I didn’t want to be weak. I didn’t want to have my happiness in life depend on a pill.
But when I’m not myself and I’m hurting people around me because of it, stigma schmigma. It’s time to stop those synapses of mine from misfiring. It’s time to get me better.
I started back up on medication two weeks ago. It has taken me that long to write about it here, to let you in on my secret. But I needed to tell you all because you are all part of my life. And you need to know what’s going on, why my posting has been sparse, why some days I’m going to have to choose sleep over posting, why some days, I’m just not going to be funny.
I will be better, will feel better, soon. I caught it this time way before that rock bottom stage of last time. And for that, I am thankful.
So hopefully you’ll all bear with me while the medicine does its job and I get back to being healthy and feeling more myself. So I can get back to being Full of Snark and not just managing on a quarter-tank of Snark.
About the author
Open and honest and you know where I am if you need to hug it out.
.-= Ree´s last blog ..I’m Not Even Serving Turkey =-.
I have a book for you. I’ll tell my coworker that it’s overdue (BECAUSE IT IS) and put it in the mail. It really, really helped for me, and I’ve been anti-depressant free for almost a year now.
.-= Rhi´s last blog ..Friday Bullets: White Water Edition =-.
I know hard this was for you to share. I’m proud of you!
I went through a period a few years ago when I was extremely conflicted about seeking medicinal assistance because of that stigma you mention (although, for me, *I* was the one telling myself I just had to snap out of it and just be happy, dammit). My mom — who, incidentally, was one of the people I feared would judge me — told me that it would be no different if I had diabetes: I wouldn’t hesitate to see a doctor for medication then, would I? Definitely made me think and certainly helped me look at things from a different perspective.
Hope your tank is refilled soon. 😉 *hugs*
.-= Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Back to school! Sort of… =-.
Very brave of you to share this…
very nice post..
hugs and love( i know its my first time here…but hey! what the heck!)
shraddha
We got your back, sistah – Maybe we can up the snark level in the rest of the blogosphere until you get back to your full snarktane (octane…no? too far?) self.
.-= Deidre´s last blog ..It’s Wednesday, But I am not feeling particularly Environmental =-.
How brave to realise what the problem is, admit it, and start working on getting better. Hope you feel better soon.
.-= Nikki´s last blog ..Wombat’s Choc Chippie Cookies =-.
Girl, you are always full of snark. I know this must have been a very difficult post for you to write. I am proud of you for writing about it. I really hope that you feel better soon and are able to get lots of good rest in.
I’m so glad you know what the problem is and how to go about fixing it. I have been worrying about you being so tired. Seriously! I was thinking…maybe it’s her thyroid, maybe she needs a CPAP to sleep better…etc. So, I know I sound like some crazy person since I’ve never met you and am even too damn lazy to keep up my own blog. But, I am so relieved for you! I sure hope your meds put you right again very soon.
((((big hugs))))
I think that if more people come out and talk about it, the stigma will start to go away. At least, I hope it will. I can’t imagine putting all of that into words was easy, but I’m glad you did.
.-= jcristg´s last blog ..24 days until kick-off… =-.
I love you.
Good for you, doing what you need for you. I think that the stigma is ridiculous…whatever gets you through the day, no judgement from me. Thanks for writing this.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s stories like yours that will help erase that stigma. I’ve been there myself and it always helps to know you’re not alone – even if you don’t want anyone around but a pillow and a dark room.
While it may not be what we want to do (taking the meds – I hated thinking I needed a crutch), sometimes we just have to suck it up and do what’s best for ourselves.
.-= Anna´s last blog ..Week in Review – 29 =-.
I’m so glad you felt like you could share that with us, and I hope things start turning around for you really soon.
.-= nancypearlwannabe´s last blog ..The Results Are In =-.
I have been there as well like so many others. Mine was the lovely combo of depression and anxiety, I’m just a ball of fun. I was hesitant to go on the meds because we all know what the stigma is, but after I got over the initial denial phase I realized that something like 90% of the population is on medication for something. I’ve since gone off the depression meds, but continue to take the anti-anxiety meds. When I look back I don’t know how I made it through every day feeling that dark and mean. I’m so sorry that you have to go through that now. Please know that we all are behind you and wishing you the best!
BIG HUG.
i am glad you took the steps to get back on the medicine. there is no shame in it. our society needs to change on that point.
i am proud of you for realizing the problem and taking the steps to solve it.
i have suffered from depression that needed medication myself. there is no snapping out of it. there is no amount of sleep that is enough. it is beyond our control. which once you realize what is going on –is really annoying! do you do the thing i did and say come on, let’s go, we are fine, let’s move on? like little pep talks in your own head.
.-= michele´s last blog ..June is for Camping =-.
I am so glad you’re taking care of yourself and doing what you need! We’re all here for you!!!
.-= Jen on the Edge´s last blog ..Hitting the snooze button =-.
XOXO
I’m proud of you. Because we all say “Oh good! You took the meds. Nothing to be ashamed of…” while inside we’re thinking “I don’t want to be on anti-depressants! Good for her, not for me.” The double standard really sucks.
That said, I hear your pain on the insomnia and how it begins to affect every aspect of your life. I KNOW what will make mine go away, and I’m working on it.
Hope you continue to climb out of the hole quickly.
ps, this is all about the reappearance of me in your life, isn’t it? I KNEW IT! I tend to have that affect on people…
😉 hugs.
.-= tracey´s last blog ..Oops. Needed a title, didn’t I? =-.
It’s funny because I think I have that same stigma attached to meds. Like I know they exist and I know they work for people, but I don’t want to rely on them for my own happiness.
Yet I have no problem taking other kinds of things to numb the pain. Whether it be booze or pain pills or drugs. Why in the world would I rather rely on body numbing pain pills to quiet the sadness when perhaps there’s other pills made specifically for that? Got me. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to admit failure.
Or maybe I just really like channeling my inner Cheech.
Ree and I had dinner last night – I asked about you and Ree said she hadn’t talked to you in a while.
Now I know why.
And listen – there’s nothing wrong with taking a pill if that’s what’s needed to manage things for a while. You do what you have to do – and do it for YOU – not for other people’s opinions. Those of us who know you and love you will understand. The people who don’t know you? – It’s their loss.
Later, Babe.
.-= lceel´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Statue porn? =-.
Hugs, I know that there is a stigma but you have to do waht you have to do.
If you had a kidney infection, you would take anti-biotics wouldn’t you? You have something that can be helped and you want to be helped.
Good luck and feel better.
.-= christina´s last blog ..The text and why I got so stressed… =-.
Yeah. You know where I stand on this. It didn’t help the stigma when I got a letter from my health care company telling me “You have recently filled a prescription that is given to people with DEPRESSION.” Thanks, Aetna. I had no idea.
Anyway, screw them. We gotta do what we gotta do, right?
.-= Candy´s last blog ..50 Concerts – ok maybe 17 =-.
I sincerely do not know how you have survived on so little sleep. When I was only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night, I was a WRECK and seriously thought I was going to have some kind of breakdown. I am so glad that you are working to feel better.
I don’t think taking medication is a bad thing. You’re doing something to make yourself feel better.
Thanks for writing about this.
.-= -R-´s last blog ..More Things I Don’t Understand =-.
Good luck! I hope it works, and I wouldn’t worry about the stigma. I mean, if you had a headache, you’d take some Tylenol/advil/excedrin (etc).. same thing. Hope you’re feeling like yourself soon.
Heh. I know exactly how you feel. I could have written the last half of this post. Which is why I walked out of my doctor’s office with a prescription for zoloft on Monday.
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..So. Yeah. Anyways, or why this space has been blank and I haven’t been shredding =-.
Stupid legacy of the pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps-and-get-on-with-it Puritans. (And the American compulsion to blame the victim, which is also part of that legacy – you did this to yourself, don’t expect ME to help…) Many thoughts of strength and empathy for you.
Depression has a clinical component. It’s not simply a matter of “feeling down in the dumps.” It’s like your heartburn. Hurts like hell, and no matter what you do, it doesn’t go away on it’s own. Sure, you might be able to recognize some of the things that trigger it; salsa, margaritas (why is it always the gooood stuff???) and do your best to avoid, or minimize exposure so you can hopefully influence your symptoms. But ultimately, in order to make it go the hell away so that you can eat again; you need help. Enter Maalox, Gaviscon, Aciphex, Nexium, etc. Oh! Relief! Respite from the agony!
So goes depression. Cymbalta, Prozac, Effexor, etc. Relief from the debilitation. The clinical part of depression isn’t likely to go away without medication, so why suffer needlessly?
Sending you hugs and love, my friend.
Forget any stigmas – you do what you need to do to get better. Love you!
.-= Angella´s last blog ..My Life In 140 Characters Or Less =-.
Do what you need to to get better – and know that all your readers are rooting for you. Hugs!
I’m sorry you’re going through all this! I hope you are starting to feel better soon. My mom has been on prozac for a good part of her adult life, and it makes SUCH a big difference. Do what you need to make yourself feel normal and try not to worry about stigmas. We all love you! 🙂
((hugs))!
Only the bravest of people can come out and admit to a crowd of mostly strangers that they have a problem, and they’re doing what they have to do to fix it. If that means medicine, great! If it means therapy, awesome! I’ll never understand the stigma that goes with either of those. If your body isn’t well, you go to the doctor or take meds. Why should it be any different for your head? I’m proud of you for not only dealing with it, but sharing it with the rest of us. You’re not alone.
.-= Denora´s last blog ..Postcrossing =-.
I agree with everyone that your post was very brave and that we offer love and support to you while you get your mojo back.
Depression is a medical issue, full stop. Don’t feel anything but proud of yourself for recognizing your Black Dog when he came back and for getting treatment. It would be easy to hide, and the insidious disease would want you to hide, but kick its ass anyway. There a tons of people pulling for you!
.-= Julie K´s last blog ..Weekend events, Venus edition =-.
Ah, I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been going through this, and so glad to hear you’re getting some help. I hate that there’s still so much stigma around about depression, etc: just “getting over it” is so rarely an option after all (if ever). Also, major kudos for this post – I can imagine how difficult it must’ve been to write, but you have the support of everyone here for sure 🙂
.-= Amber´s last blog ..The Green Dress Cometh =-.
**Hugs**
I can completely empathize right now, darlin. Glad you’re getting what you need and figuring it all out.
.-= Darcey´s last blog ..Moving Target =-.
As someone who has (and still does) ridden the depression roller coaster, I completly get it. I hope you get it figured out 🙂
I completely get it, too. This year has sucked so bad for so many of us, for many different reasons. Screw suffering in silence. Do whatever you need to, we’ll be here when you’re ready!
Thank you for sharing this. You always are so honest here, but even so, this must have been difficult to admit. Good on you for getting help when you need it.
And thank you for this kick-start to look into some of my own issues with this. I’ve been avoiding it, but as you know, that only works short term (if at all).
.-= Legallyblondemel´s last blog ..Smug Married Trickery =-.
2 weeks ago to the day, I finally caved and went to see a doctor for depression. I’ve been on meds for 2 weeks now. This is the first time I’ve admitted I need help and would love to talk to you about this. So many of the things you wrote hit home for me.
.-= Chris´s last blog ..Sky Mall =-.
I’m glad that you are getting the help you need – especially since we can’t control the chemicals in our brains. I’ve definitely suffered the same symptoms in the past and I know how hard it can be. I know the anti-depressants really helped balance me out – I hope you are feeling yourself again soon!!! I hated to hear about you suffering through all of this.
.-= TUWABVB´s last blog ..Cowboy Take Me Away =-.
We love you Kristabella! And we’ll always be here for you. XOXO
I’m a lurker, but I had to say I think it’s AWESOME that you shared this. It’s something people are afraid to put out on blogs or talk about publicly, because of what people will think, or whatever. Stigma about psychiatric health is so lame – people don’t get worked up about treating diabetes or a cold, and mental health should be looked at the same way. Anyway, I don’t want to preach on when I’ve never commented, I just felt strongly about your post and really enjoy reading your blog.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..My Purse, Myself =-.
I know it’s hard to talk about less snarky subjects, especially when you do funny SO WELL and are SO ENTERTAINING, but this was a really great post, and we’re all cheering you on and thinking of you. We care about you, funny and not-so-funny aside, just you.
Hope you feel better soon, friend.
xoxo
.-= She Likes Purple´s last blog ..Security =-.
Buttercup- don’t you know meds are the new black. All the cool kids take them.
You take care of yourself and know we’ve got your back anytime, all the time.
.-= Eileen´s last blog ..I’m Pretty Sure =-.
This is why we have modern medicine, to help people. We take pills for headaches, birth control, back pain etc.. So why not for your brain, dude I am all for it! I hate pain of any source and I am the first to swallow something that can help me.
So cheers to that jagged little pill and a happier rested new you!
when i went to a doctor at 27 and told him I was severely depressed – had been for years; he told me to go and exercise. gee, thanks. i think this is so opposite on what you should tell a depressed person but, okay.
it took the death of my child for someone to finally prescribe me something. best of luck with the meds. i’m not sure i’ll ever go off of them.
.-= gorillabuns´s last blog ..feed me seymour =-.
Brave post. Glad you shared it because I was gettin worried about all your tweets about exhaustion. I hope the meds kick in soon and you are feeling back to your old snarky self.
.-= Snarky Mommy´s last blog ..That would explain it =-.
Hope you feel better real soon. Does it make you happier to know that a contestant on Top Chef had a “Bacon” t-shirt on tonight? It made me immediately think of you. BTW, this is the first time I have ever commented – I’ll have read your blog for over a year.
That depression shit can really sneak up on you. I know first hand.
Glad you saw it coming this time. You’ll get your snark back in no time as long as you take care of your self.
PS I saw a bacon watch in a catalog and thought of you.
.-= diana´s last blog ..Marshalls: A Place of Worship =-.
there is NO shame in taking pills when you need them. NONE. There is also no shame in sometimes NOT be full of snark.
love you.
.-= ali´s last blog ..sam’s mom and other freaks. =-.
I take prozac for the same reasons. I like feeling human and screw anyone who doesn’t like it. You gotta do what you gotta do. And who really cares what some idiot who doesn’t believe in depression thinks. They obviously haven’t been there.
.-= Sheri´s last blog ..Oops He did it again =-.