Posted By on June 17, 2009

Last night I got a taste of what it would be like to have a newborn and have to take care of her/him myself (which is a very real possibility because if I never get hitched, I’m having a baby somehow.)

See, it was very hot in my house last night. According to the thermostat it was about 79 in my tiny shoebox of a condo. And since it was storming and pissing rain outside, all the windows were closed. (Good news, though, no more leaks!) So I felt like I was suffocating. I thought about turning the air conditioning on, hesitating only because it was only about 60 outside and really, if it is that cool, the A/C is a tad unnecessary, no?

But I was sweating and I knew I wasn’t going to sleep well. So then I slapped myself and was like “hey jackass! Isn’t this why you wanted a place with central air in the first place? Put on your big girl panties, stop worrying about it and just turn the damn thing on!”

So I was all “you’re right self. And boy, you sure pack quite a punch! Have you been working out?” And myself answered “no, this is the arm I use to lift all those glasses of booze to my mouth, so it gets a lot of use. Who needs a gym when you can get these guns from drinking?” And then I laughed “oh self, you’re so witty.” And myself was all “stop fucking stalling and turn on the damn A/C!” “OK SELF! Don’t be so fucking pushy! GEEZ!”

At first I thought just the fan would be OK. But I’m not too sure exactly what that is. Is it just re-circulating the hot air in my house? Is it pulling air from the outside? It wasn’t that cool anyway, so the conversation I had in my head about where this air was coming from (the upstairs neighbor’s bathroom?) was moot.

It was like sweet, sweet nectar blowing out of those vents when I turned on the air conditioning. All those years of suffering in that apartment, with only a window unit, were so worth it. Being cold when I sleep, in the summer, and not having to worry about a puddle of water on the floor from the condensation is a beautiful thing.

That is until I heard an oddly familiar sound.


Kitty Kitty has this meow that is only reserved for when she’s scared or hurt or SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT DAMMIT! I am quite familiar with this meow. It’s the meow I heard when we drove across the country in my Nissan Sentra and she spent the entire trip under my seat, never eating or drinking for three days. It is the sound she makes when we go to the vet. It is the sound she made when we moved into the condo and she lost her fucking shit and peed on EVERYTHING!

I do not like this sound. Not one bit, I tell you.

After hearing this meow, I went to find her. She was cowering on the bed. I picked her up and calmed her down. She seemed to be OK, so I put her back on the bed. And then there was that MEOWING again. She was frozen in one spot. She would not move out of the bedroom. Because outside the bedroom? The CLOSET OFF DOOM!

(Right outside my bedroom door is a closet with the heating and air conditioning thingys and the water heater. See below.)


I tried everything. I showed her the inside of the closet “see Kitty, nothing to be afraid of.” And then I forced her outside the bedroom, which was quite comical and she ran past that closet like her tail was on fire. I gave her treats. I told her it would be OK like she was a human and that would help! I TRIED EVERYTHING!

So then I said fuck it and I went to bed. She wasn’t leaving the bedroom, actually she wasn’t leaving the window sill in the bedroom, so I figured we would be fine. She seemed to have calmed down a bit and the meowing was at a minimum.

Some time after I got in bed, the a/c went off because it had cooled off enough. She clearly got comfortable with this and was like “whew! That was one horrible fucking nightmare! Thank God that is over!” And then she proceeded to go to bed.


The a/c kicked back on. And she was taken back to that horrible place! Where things made noise! And “OMG! HUMAN! Are you hearing these things coming out of that closet? The whooshing? And air blowing? WHY ISN’T THAT OTHER CAT AWAKE? WHY IS NO ONE SCARED THAT WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE? I MUST WAKE THEM NOW! MEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW!”

So I woke up. Because that shrill screeching? Like an infant crying. It’s impossible to sleep through it for any length of time. I got up and I called her over and I petted her and I tried to calm her down. And then I told her to fuck off because I needed my sleep and it was a fucking air conditioner for pete’s sake.

Tonight it is cooler in the house and not raining, so I don’t need it on. But the next time I have to turn it on, you best believe I’m recording that ear-piercing howl with the new voice memo function on my phone so you can all FEEL MY PAIN.

I can’t wait until the first time I have to dog-sit for my brother and introduce these stupid cats to Bella the Pug. But how could they be afraid of this pug’s mug? Seriously.


About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


20 Responses to “CAT!”

  1. It’s pitiful and kinda funny at the same time – poor kitty! What unearthly demon inside the closet could be making that noise?!

    And you’re right. That mug is irresistible.
    .-= Amanda Nicole´s last blog hazards =-.

  2. Julienne says:

    We pick up our new! puppy! in four weeks and I am already trying to prepare myself for sleepless nights.

    Thanks for giving me something to look forward to! haha.
    .-= Julienne´s last blog ..How old is too old? =-.

  3. Libby says:

    At least your cat stayed in one spot. Mine would have brought her forecast of doom right on top of my head.
    .-= Libby´s last blog ..Better Than Christmas =-.

  4. Christina says:

    Poor you, it is never easy to sleep throught that sound. I hope she calms down before the weather gets hot (like that wil ever happen)!

  5. Ree says:

    Our boy cat has that meow. It’s nerve-wracking. He uses it to call his sister.

    Who was puking all over the place yesterday. Apparently she ate something that disagreed with her…and all I could think of was, PLEASE don’t let her die because Oh mah holy hell, he would never shut up.
    .-= Ree´s last blog ..Things I’ve Learned Today =-.

  6. Scarlet says:

    I woke up roasting last night and had to put the air down. I, too, felt kind of silly about it since it was cooler outside, but man, I needed to sleep.
    .-= Scarlet´s last blog ..Worst Hangover Ever =-.

  7. Candy says:

    Dude!!! How the heck are you??

    I am assuming you’re in your fabulous condo now. Poor Kitty Kitty…mine is afraid of everything. He’ll just be sitting in the living room licking his butt, and then suddenly he’s crouching his way across the room to go hide under the computer. It’s a mystery.

  8. ali says:

    oh, kristabella, my worst fears are coming alive right before my eyes.
    you are a cat person.

    (i still love you, though)

    but you know what would be awesome?!? a huge blogger throwdown about dog people vs cat people. because, god only knows, the internet is lacking a good throw down right about now.
    .-= ali´s last blog ..things to learn to do. =-.

  9. michele says:

    animals are crazy about the darnedest things!

    my former roommate’s dog couldn’t handle thunder. she would be in my lap when it thundered. otherwise, she would pretty much ignore my existence.
    .-= michele´s last blog ..Jen Lancaster Book Signing! =-.

  10. Eileen says:

    My new puppy took a dump when I turned on the vacuum. He is literally scared shitless.
    .-= Eileen´s last blog ..Happily Ever After =-.

  11. Darcey says:

    Yeah, I think my cat only made that noise when we dressed her up in doll clothes (I was 8).

    Also? I wish Jelly Belly java flavored jelly beans were actually caffeinated.

  12. Jess says:

    My cat was deaf and had no fear of such things, he would actually lay down in front of the vacuum cleaner and nuzzle it. We used to shop vac him instead of brushing – loved it! The dog however would shit herself and try to run through the sliding glass door to get away from that horrible machine that picked up all the hair she shed.

  13. paperdiva says:

    I think you need some kitty valium, or it’s going to be one long hot summer.

  14. JRM says:

    I had that the year before last with Yellowdog. I some how managed to wake up at 2:30 am to hear her horking up god knows what. Uggh.

  15. I’m familiar with that meow, and sadly, no turning up of the AC tunes it out. If human children are capable of anything that shrill and self-pitying, I’m not sure I want to have them anymore.

    Can I just generally applaud the combined cat/ Pug lady-ness of this post? It’s as if this post were written just for me! Heh.

  16. -R- says:

    The good thing about babies is that they eventually grow out of some of the craziness!
    .-= -R-´s last blog ..Life Is A Cabaret =-.

  17. Angella says:

    I secretly love your crazy cat lady stories.

    Don’t tell Ali.
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..Another Day, Another Rant =-.

  18. TUWABVB says:

    I love that a/c causes so much angst in Chicago! In Texas? My pets won’t even stay in a house without central a/c! I’m glad you were able to calm her down – she’ll certainly get used to it on those hot August night – I mean, she’s the one wearing a fur coat all year round!
    .-= TUWABVB´s last blog ..The Second One =-.

  19. Jacki says:

    I can’t wait for the “Bella meet Kitty” post. CAN’T WAIT!

    (The dogs at this house would be horrified if there were no A/C. I really don’t get them though, they go outside to sunbathe, get hot, smell funny and then come inside to pant and lay on the couch. Silly dogs…)

  20. Fraulein N says:

    Aww, poor thing. But also? It’s kind of funny. If she’s going to keep you up, you might as well get SOMETHING out of it, and I suppose comic relief will have to do.