Posted By Kristabella on June 17, 2009
Last night I got a taste of what it would be like to have a newborn and have to take care of her/him myself (which is a very real possibility because if I never get hitched, I’m having a baby somehow.)
See, it was very hot in my house last night. According to the thermostat it was about 79 in my tiny shoebox of a condo. And since it was storming and pissing rain outside, all the windows were closed. (Good news, though, no more leaks!) So I felt like I was suffocating. I thought about turning the air conditioning on, hesitating only because it was only about 60 outside and really, if it is that cool, the A/C is a tad unnecessary, no?
But I was sweating and I knew I wasn’t going to sleep well. So then I slapped myself and was like “hey jackass! Isn’t this why you wanted a place with central air in the first place? Put on your big girl panties, stop worrying about it and just turn the damn thing on!”
So I was all “you’re right self. And boy, you sure pack quite a punch! Have you been working out?” And myself answered “no, this is the arm I use to lift all those glasses of booze to my mouth, so it gets a lot of use. Who needs a gym when you can get these guns from drinking?” And then I laughed “oh self, you’re so witty.” And myself was all “stop fucking stalling and turn on the damn A/C!” “OK SELF! Don’t be so fucking pushy! GEEZ!”
At first I thought just the fan would be OK. But I’m not too sure exactly what that is. Is it just re-circulating the hot air in my house? Is it pulling air from the outside? It wasn’t that cool anyway, so the conversation I had in my head about where this air was coming from (the upstairs neighbor’s bathroom?) was moot.
It was like sweet, sweet nectar blowing out of those vents when I turned on the air conditioning. All those years of suffering in that apartment, with only a window unit, were so worth it. Being cold when I sleep, in the summer, and not having to worry about a puddle of water on the floor from the condensation is a beautiful thing.
That is until I heard an oddly familiar sound.
Kitty Kitty has this meow that is only reserved for when she’s scared or hurt or SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT DAMMIT! I am quite familiar with this meow. It’s the meow I heard when we drove across the country in my Nissan Sentra and she spent the entire trip under my seat, never eating or drinking for three days. It is the sound she makes when we go to the vet. It is the sound she made when we moved into the condo and she lost her fucking shit and peed on EVERYTHING!
I do not like this sound. Not one bit, I tell you.
After hearing this meow, I went to find her. She was cowering on the bed. I picked her up and calmed her down. She seemed to be OK, so I put her back on the bed. And then there was that MEOWING again. She was frozen in one spot. She would not move out of the bedroom. Because outside the bedroom? The CLOSET OFF DOOM!
(Right outside my bedroom door is a closet with the heating and air conditioning thingys and the water heater. See below.)
I tried everything. I showed her the inside of the closet “see Kitty, nothing to be afraid of.” And then I forced her outside the bedroom, which was quite comical and she ran past that closet like her tail was on fire. I gave her treats. I told her it would be OK like she was a human and that would help! I TRIED EVERYTHING!
So then I said fuck it and I went to bed. She wasn’t leaving the bedroom, actually she wasn’t leaving the window sill in the bedroom, so I figured we would be fine. She seemed to have calmed down a bit and the meowing was at a minimum.
Some time after I got in bed, the a/c went off because it had cooled off enough. She clearly got comfortable with this and was like “whew! That was one horrible fucking nightmare! Thank God that is over!” And then she proceeded to go to bed.
And then 2 AM rolled around. “MEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWW! MEEEEEEEEOW! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
The a/c kicked back on. And she was taken back to that horrible place! Where things made noise! And “OMG! HUMAN! Are you hearing these things coming out of that closet? The whooshing? And air blowing? WHY ISN’T THAT OTHER CAT AWAKE? WHY IS NO ONE SCARED THAT WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE? I MUST WAKE THEM NOW! MEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW!”
So I woke up. Because that shrill screeching? Like an infant crying. It’s impossible to sleep through it for any length of time. I got up and I called her over and I petted her and I tried to calm her down. And then I told her to fuck off because I needed my sleep and it was a fucking air conditioner for pete’s sake.
Tonight it is cooler in the house and not raining, so I don’t need it on. But the next time I have to turn it on, you best believe I’m recording that ear-piercing howl with the new voice memo function on my phone so you can all FEEL MY PAIN.
I can’t wait until the first time I have to dog-sit for my brother and introduce these stupid cats to Bella the Pug. But how could they be afraid of this pug’s mug? Seriously.