Posted By Kristabella on June 15, 2009
On Sunday afternoon I was out running errands, like I do most Sunday afternoons. I generally put everything off until the last possible moment because I’m a lazy motherfucker. But this week, I had an excuse. I was gone all day Saturday, literally from the time I woke up until 11 PM, so I didn’t have any time to go grocery shopping or do laundry or any of the host of other things I usually cram into my Sunday afternoons.
One of the errands was doing my weekly grocery shopping. As I was driving home from the grocery store, I got into a bit of an altercation. I will preface, I’ve got a bit of The Rage when I drive. I may have been known to give people the finger, or lay on my horn until it stops working (true story!) or follow people who piss me off, just to make them shit their pants. I do realize this is the STUPIDEST thing to do and that one of these times, I’m going to get shot. But I am getting better. I used to be really bad. Until some dude fucking kicked my car door in at a stoplight.
Anyway, on Sunday there was a street fest near my grocery store. Which meant most of the east/west streets were closed and everyone had to take the ONE east/west street that wasn’t blocked. It took me like 30 minutes to go 2 miles on the way to the store. So on the way home, I figured I’d go further south before I cut back west. It would have taken longer, but it didn’t matter because it meant I would not be sitting in traffic. On a Sunday.
So I was driving south, planning ahead of time to turn right on a street named Lawrence (like my dad!). But I grew impatient with the stop lights and stupid people, so I figured I would turn right sooner than Lawrence, to get on the side streets. I came up on an intersection and the light turned red, so I screeched to a halt stopped. I figured now was as good a time as any to turn right. So I checked the traffic and figured it was OK to turn.
BUT, as soon as I turned the corner, I realized I was turning onto a one-way street and I was GOING THE WRONG WAY! Since I made some weird-ass wide turn onto this one-way street and didn’t want to be hit head on, I decided the only thing to do, the safest thing to do, was run the red light and continue going back South. There was NO traffic on that one-way street, so I did not put anyone in harm’s way.
I was really shook up about it. I am a rule follower. I don’t do things like that, especially things that could end up hurting people. I am as impatient as a toddler, but I can WAIT at red lights. I abide by the rules of the road.
As I continued South to Lawrence, I was freaking out and talking to myself saying “I can’t believe I just did that. I can’t believe I ran a red light. OH MY GOD! THANK YOU JESUS! I’m so glad no one was hurt, including myself!”
I pulled up at the light on Lawrence and it was red, of course. So I waited for my chance to turn right. When all of a sudden I hear someone shouting over the music coming out of my radio. And it isn’t me singing along with Kelly Clarkson. It is something entirely different. And then I do something stupid, I turn toward the shouting.
Next to me, on a major street, at a major intersection, is some asshat who has decided it is HIS business to tell me that I was wrong for going through a red light. NO SHIT SHERLOCK. And he scolds me. And tells me about how people could have been hurt and I could have been T-boned by the traffic. Complete with hand gestures to show me what that would look like if my car was his one hand and an imaginary car was his other hand. T stands for TOOL. To which I should have said, “not possible jackass. The only way I was going to get T-boned is if someone else was going the wrong way down a one-way street. I ran a red light to avoid the possibility of being hit HEAD ON. WORSE THAN BEING T-BONED, FUCKWIT!”
I didn’t say any of these things. I was still so shaken up byt the whole thing that I apologized profusely. Along with placing my hand to my chest, showing just how sorry I was and that I honestly didn’t mean to do it. I’m a poor excuse for an aggressive driver.
And then the motherfucking cocksucker WAGGED HIS FINGER AT ME! And then the light turned and he continued on his merry, pretentious way in his stupid Mercedes. And he’s lucky, considering the part of town we were in, that he didn’t get a gun pulled on his ass.
I was SHOCKED. Between the red light running and the jackass and his finger wagging, I got ANGRY. I was so mad at myself for letting that asshole talk to me like that. Like he’s fucking Barney Fife and making a citizen’s arrest. What good does scolding me do? What’s done is done. If he was paying any lick of attention, he would have seen it wasn’t intentional. Fucking people, you know?
I’m glad that I didn’t do anything in retaliation. Like I said, not the best part of town, even during the day. And while Pretentious McWaggyPants looked like a royal douchebag, he totally could have been packing heat in the back of his pseudo SUV. So it is for the best that I just call him names on my blog and Twitter.
At least it makes me feel better.