I’ll Show You Where To Wag That Finger, Sir

Posted By on June 15, 2009

On Sunday afternoon I was out running errands, like I do most Sunday afternoons. I generally put everything off until the last possible moment because I’m a lazy motherfucker. But this week, I had an excuse. I was gone all day Saturday, literally from the time I woke up until 11 PM, so I didn’t have any time to go grocery shopping or do laundry or any of the host of other things I usually cram into my Sunday afternoons.

One of the errands was doing my weekly grocery shopping. As I was driving home from the grocery store, I got into a bit of an altercation. I will preface, I’ve got a bit of The Rage when I drive. I may have been known to give people the finger, or lay on my horn until it stops working (true story!) or follow people who piss me off, just to make them shit their pants. I do realize this is the STUPIDEST thing to do and that one of these times, I’m going to get shot. But I am getting better. I used to be really bad. Until some dude fucking kicked my car door in at a stoplight.

Anyway, on Sunday there was a street fest near my grocery store. Which meant most of the east/west streets were closed and everyone had to take the ONE east/west street that wasn’t blocked. It took me like 30 minutes to go 2 miles on the way to the store. So on the way home, I figured I’d go further south before I cut back west. It would have taken longer, but it didn’t matter because it meant I would not be sitting in traffic. On a Sunday.

So I was driving south, planning ahead of time to turn right on a street named Lawrence (like my dad!). But I grew impatient with the stop lights and stupid people, so I figured I would turn right sooner than Lawrence, to get on the side streets. I came up on an intersection and the light turned red, so I screeched to a halt stopped. I figured now was as good a time as any to turn right. So I checked the traffic and figured it was OK to turn.

BUT, as soon as I turned the corner, I realized I was turning onto a one-way street and I was GOING THE WRONG WAY! Since I made some weird-ass wide turn onto this one-way street and didn’t want to be hit head on, I decided the only thing to do, the safest thing to do, was run the red light and continue going back South. There was NO traffic on that one-way street, so I did not put anyone in harm’s way.

I was really shook up about it. I am a rule follower. I don’t do things like that, especially things that could end up hurting people. I am as impatient as a toddler, but I can WAIT at red lights. I abide by the rules of the road.

As I continued South to Lawrence, I was freaking out and talking to myself saying “I can’t believe I just did that. I can’t believe I ran a red light. OH MY GOD! THANK YOU JESUS! I’m so glad no one was hurt, including myself!”

I pulled up at the light on Lawrence and it was red, of course. So I waited for my chance to turn right. When all of a sudden I hear someone shouting over the music coming out of my radio. And it isn’t me singing along with Kelly Clarkson. It is something entirely different. And then I do something stupid, I turn toward the shouting.

Next to me, on a major street, at a major intersection, is some asshat who has decided it is HIS business to tell me that I was wrong for going through a red light. NO SHIT SHERLOCK. And he scolds me. And tells me about how people could have been hurt and I could have been T-boned by the traffic. Complete with hand gestures to show me what that would look like if my car was his one hand and an imaginary car was his other hand. T stands for TOOL. To which I should have said, “not possible jackass. The only way I was going to get T-boned is if someone else was going the wrong way down a one-way street. I ran a red light to avoid the possibility of being hit HEAD ON. WORSE THAN BEING T-BONED, FUCKWIT!”

I didn’t say any of these things. I was still so shaken up byt the whole thing that I apologized profusely. Along with placing my hand to my chest, showing just how sorry I was and that I honestly didn’t mean to do it. I’m a poor excuse for an aggressive driver.

And then the motherfucking cocksucker WAGGED HIS FINGER AT ME! And then the light turned and he continued on his merry, pretentious way in his stupid Mercedes. And he’s lucky, considering the part of town we were in, that he didn’t get a gun pulled on his ass.

I was SHOCKED. Between the red light running and the jackass and his finger wagging, I got ANGRY. I was so mad at myself for letting that asshole talk to me like that. Like he’s fucking Barney Fife and making a citizen’s arrest. What good does scolding me do? What’s done is done. If he was paying any lick of attention, he would have seen it wasn’t intentional. Fucking people, you know?

I’m glad that I didn’t do anything in retaliation. Like I said, not the best part of town, even during the day. And while Pretentious McWaggyPants  looked like a royal douchebag, he totally could have been packing heat in the back of his pseudo SUV. So it is for the best that I just call him names on my blog and Twitter.

At least it makes me feel better.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


19 Responses to “I’ll Show You Where To Wag That Finger, Sir”

  1. Heather B. says:

    Oh, I pull that shit all the time. I give the finger, I yell, I honk and I’ve followed people when pissed off. I’m still unclear as to how I got my license.
    .-= Heather B.´s last blog ..In Real Life =-.

  2. Julienne says:

    Alex always tells me how bad my road rage is. Sunday we were driving home from a wedding and I was EXHAUSTED and completely CRANKY and INSANE. I had wicked road rage the whole way home because it seemed like everyone I got stuck behind was doing 75 in an 80 – do people not know 80 means 100? I had honked at more than my fair share of people and then came across a vehicle parked half off the road, half still in the lane with the 4-ways on – on a highway. The people were collecting rocks (WTF) and I was pissed. Then Alex realized that they were old and wouldn’t let me honk at them. He is a much better person than I am.

    The end.
    .-= Julienne´s last blog ..Weekend update. =-.

  3. Scarlet says:

    The wagging of his finger is just soooooo condescending.
    .-= Scarlet´s last blog ..Worst Hangover Ever =-.

  4. ali says:

    no retaliation?
    I was hoping for a rumble.
    .-= ali´s last blog ..an admission, a mystery, and a shoe-eating puppy =-.

  5. Mahnee says:

    I seriously LOVE how I find out how you spent your Sunday. Thank God he wasn’t even more of a douche!!!!!!

  6. Ree says:

    THIS is why I don’t drive in Chicago. 😉
    .-= Ree´s last blog ..Letters from Monday – Part 2,372 =-.

  7. libby says:

    I would have been cool until the finger wagging. Then I would have taken out a notepad and acted like I was writing down his license plate and description. Give HIM something to sweat about.

    Did I mention I am passive aggressive?
    .-= libby´s last blog ..One of My Very Own =-.

  8. auntie says:

    “Pretentious McWaggyPants”

    hee hee
    .-= auntie´s last blog ..Inside Out =-.

  9. Cis4Connie says:

    I just started following your blog, but now I am in love with it after this line: “motherfucking cocksucker WAGGED HIS FINGER AT ME!”

    LOVE IT!! =)
    .-= Cis4Connie´s last blog ..Bibidi Bobidi Boo =-.

  10. Darcey says:

    Dude. You should see me drive in Atlanta. And how may times I roll my eyes when I pass an idiot in the fast lane, doing 5mph under the speed limit, with their cell phone glued to their ear and completely oblivious to the line of cars behind them. So I pass them, flip them off, and occasionally (only occasionally) do I get pissed off enough to get in front of them and slow down to give them an example of their asshattery.

    And that’s a good day.

  11. Sarah says:

    What a fucker. Sometimes I wish I had a little dart gun and could shoot out the tires of people who annoy me.
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..I Promise I’ll Be Back =-.

  12. slynnro says:

    You seriously need to credit me for that fucking people, ya know shit.

  13. Amanda G. says:

    It bothers me when people lecture you about your driving. My husband doesn’t have road rage but he always feels that he can teach people something about driving better with his driving behaviors. Thank god he thinks I’m a good driver so he keeps his mouth shut.

    On another note, nothing beats the time we were merging down to one lane on Oakton here in Evanston and this woman in a van didn’t want to let us in so she kept honking, even though we had already started to move into the lane, not even close to her, zipper style. She then starts pulling up next to us, in the ONCOMING LANE, to shout in our window “Do you see me here? Do you see me here?!?!”. I almost said, “Yes I see you driving on the wrong side of the road. Good luck merging back in” but I didn’t. We sorta stared at her and it was over. I’m still trying to figure out what Rules of the Road she follows.
    .-= Amanda G.´s last blog ..amandagranner: Wow! The Pain! my body is so out of whack that everything feels like its cramping. Hope I can sit in this chair all day. =-.

  14. Sheri says:

    I’m a road rager too. Although I try not to rage with the kids in the car. Because they repeat everything. Sounds like the guy who wagged his finger at you felt like he was your dad or something.
    .-= Sheri´s last blog ..Oh Hell, I Dunno!!! I’ll Call This Mom Behaving Badly =-.

  15. Rhi says:

    Yelling and honking is one thing, but if you follow someone to reprimand them? You’re a douche.
    .-= Rhi´s last blog ..Anniversary Update =-.

  16. jen says:

    Ever since I gave up my car (seriously – I live a block from my office, and can pretty much get anything I want delivered – groceries included), I find I’m way more affected by road rage when I’m behind the wheel. No, not quite, I get really angry at the number or morons on the road who do stupid things.

    I would have totally done the same thing if I turned onto a one-way road the wrong way…

  17. Angella says:


    Good grief.
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..It Gets Better =-.

  18. metalia says:

    Yeah, everything Heather B. said? THAT’S ME. Having children in the car tames me, somewhat. But not completely.
    .-= metalia´s last blog ..Ways In Which I Am a Curmudgeon: Children’s Books That Are Creeping Me Right The Hell Out =-.

  19. TUWABVB says:

    Honestly, I had something similar happen to me and I was so in shock, that I was speechless. Which happens like once every ten years. But I was frustrated with myself that I didn’t respond any better.

    But at least we both got home safe – that’s all that matters.
    .-= TUWABVB´s last blog ..The Second One =-.