Why I Will Never Be A Pet Owner Again

Posted By on April 12, 2009

So did everyone have a good Easter weekend? Or Passover weekend? I haven’t posted since Wednesday night, so I think I can still be OK asking how everyone’s Passover was. Even though I need to go back and check Metalia’s Ask A Jew series so I can know exactly what you were celebrating and the time frame and details.

My Easter was OK. I got up early and went to church with my mom and my Grandma. I do it only to please my Grandma because she thinks I’m a heathen. She’s partly right. I mean, me of the drunkenness and unmarried sex and birth control taking. I AM A HEATHEN. Also, making comments during church doesn’t really help me remove the heathen title from my moniker. Especially when the Priest talks about God being someone for everyone, no matter race or gender. I almost stood up to yell “BUT NOT SEXUAL PREFERENCE!” but didn’t want to make my poor, old 85-year old Grandma drop dead in church. On Easter of all days.

We had dinner at my Aunt’s and it was good. We met my sister’s new boyfriend. He was very nice and cute and a MARKED IMPROVEMENT over the last one. I guess he was super nervous to meet us, which is to be expected, but really, since the last one was a ginormous douchebag, we didn’t have very high expectations. I mean, as long as you didn’t do drugs and didn’t beat my sister up, I am going to like you. As you can imagine, since he was so nice and good with my nephew, we all loved him to pieces.

The day was good until I got home. I was bringing up my leftovers and my Wine Club shipments (which get shipped to Gram’s, so I had 2 months to pick up YAY!), unpacking everything and just settling in for the night when I heard one of the asshole cats puking. I wasn’t sure what they were puking up since, well, um, I kind of ran out of food this morning. I did pick up food on the way home, but what the fuck were they eating during the day that made them puke? Cat hair? Lint? Paint chips?

Little did I know that the puking I heard was NOT THE FIRST OCCURRENCE. I came back into the living room and I noticed that little bitch puked on my coat. ON MY COAT! MY DRY CLEAN ONLY COAT! Can the dry cleaning chemicals even get out the cat puke enough to where I would even want to wear this coat again? It is one of my most favorite coats. I AM LIVID!

So to cool down, I went into my bedroom to get out my clothes for tomorrow and just get away from those fuckers. And that’s when I noticed that the coat was the least of my worries. Because there, on the corner of my bed, was a pile of cat vomit. CAT VOMIT ON MY BED! ON MY NEW DUVET COVER! THROUGH TO THE DOWN COMFORTER! WHAT WILL I SLEEP WITH TONIGHT!

And then I lost my shit. I locked those two fuckers in the bathroom. And yes, I know, they are cats and have no idea what they were being punished for. But I will tell you that Kitty Kitty, the girl cat, she hides when she does something wrong. She is fully aware when she does something bad that I will get mad at her for. I looked for her after she puked on the coat and she was hidden. Somewhere. She knows it is wrong and yet she DOES IT ANYWAY!

And let me remind you…NO FOOD! WHAT WERE THEY THROWING UP?

So I was going to wait to feed them until the morning, sending them to bed without dinner and punishing them some more, but then I calmed down, stopped crying and realized that maybe the no food thing led to the puking. Which I GET IT CATS! I LEARNED MY LESSON! I will never run out of food again!

Cats 1, Kristabella 0.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


13 Responses to “Why I Will Never Be A Pet Owner Again”

  1. ali says:

    passover isn’t over until THURSDAY. boo.

    alis last blog post..…to see a man about some shoes

  2. Mahnee says:

    I have a video in my head of what you looked and sounded like last night when you found the puke. With good reason, I might add….but crap like this is NOT helping your tummy. I know…easier said than done to not be upset but I worry about you!!!!!

    BAD KITTIES!!!!!

  3. -R- says:

    Yuck. I do not know what cat barf looks like, but I imagine it is smelly and unpleasant. Yuck. At least you noticed the puke before you accidentally touched it or stepped in it or slept with it. Ew!

    -R-s last blog post..Can’t Get Enough

  4. Awww, what if she’s sick?

    Amanda Nicoles last blog post..small graces: part 36

  5. pseudostoops says:

    As if I needed further evidence that I am not meant to have cats- all the barfing would drive me around the bend.

    pseudostoopss last blog post..I drank about one million diet cokes during this period.

  6. Cats totally know when they’ve done something wrong, just like they know exactly where they should strategically ralph / knock water onto. It’s all part of the feline takeover plan.

    On the topic of your sister’s new boyfriend, dating someone after they have dated a douche is an incredible dating strategy I stumbled upon myself. Once you get over the initial nerves of meeting the friends and family, you realize you can do anything short of setting the house / bar /etc. aflame and still pass the test. (I’m kidding, by the way.) (Sort of.)

    Legallyblondemels last blog post..Gone Home

  7. Melisa says:

    You are such a hilarious blogger!!! I love reading your blog. You totally made me crack up this Monday morning. I know exactly what you are going through with cats puking! I love how you punished them by putting them in the bathroom! Perfect. I would be pissed too!

    Melisas last blog post..Easter Egg Hunt

  8. Darcey says:

    Thank you for reminding me why I haven’t had any animals since I moved out of my parents’ house. I’ve been wanting a little booger to love on, be it feline or canine, for awhile, and almost made an appt to go by the humane society this week. But this? This reminded me that I don’t do well with the unexpected. And unexpected cat puke is the WORST.

  9. Angella says:

    The visual of you losing it on the cats is pretty awesome.

    Just wait until we get our puppy and he eats my shoes. It’s going to be super.

    Angellas last blog post..Love for Thalon

  10. Angella says:

    The visual of you losing it on the cats is pretty awesome.

    Just wait until we get our puppy and he eats my shoes. It’s going to be super.

    Angellas last blog post..Love for Thalon
    P.S.: Forgot to mention great post!

  11. Sarah says:

    I feel for ya, my cat’s are assholes too!

    Sarahs last blog post..Just a Quick Note…

  12. TUWABVB says:

    Freaking animals – they do that to keep us on our toes! I was about to leave you a comment before, and guess what happened? One of my dogs started making that noise – the one that makes me run for the patio door so that he’ll puke outside. Still can’t figure out what triggers it, although the $668 dollar vet thinks it’s acid reflux (thought you’d enjoy that). Puppy will get the cheap antacid. 🙂

    TUWABVBs last blog post..A life with love will have some thorns, but no roses.

  13. Issy says:

    And they have you trained so well that you are buying them a whole new house to puke in!

    (hope everything is going well with the clsoing and stuff)