Just Say No. To Kool-Aid.

Posted By on January 21, 2009

To the people of the world:

This is a public service announcement. I need you to spread the word and educate your children and your friends and family. There is a new drug that is running rampant out on the streets and in our homes. It is taking over the lives of people who come in contact with it. It is ruining careers, shattering marriages and breaking up relationships. It is the new crack.

I’m of course talking about Sugar-Free Kool-Aid.

I’m Kristin. And I a Kool-Aid-aholic. I speak to you on this very serious problem that exists in our society as someone who is addicted to Sugar-Free Kool-Aid. I am currently trying to stop using, but I find it too hard. I am trying to take it one day at a time.

I have never been addicted to anything before. Bad reality television, possibly, but I could stop watching it any time. But this. This addiction? I can’t quit it. I find myself craving cherry Kool-Aid at all hours. I can’t drink one glass. I have sympathy for the crack whores now!

As soon as that cherry goodness touches my lips, I keep drinking. Once I finish a glass, I fill up another and another, until the pitcher is gone. Once the pitcher is gone, I make more. Until I find myself in the grocery store at 3 AM wearing nothing but sweatpants, a bra and paper shoes, scratching at my skin, scratching an itch that doesn’t exist, until I buy out all the containers of cherry Kool-Aid. All of them! THEY ARE MINE!

While it is helping my diet, in its low-calorie addictiveness, it is not helping my sanity. Or my teeth, which are a permanent shade of BLOOD RED. This is what the inside of Edward’s mouth must look like after a kill.

So I warn you, ALL OF YOU, take heed, STAY AWAY FROM THE KOOL-AID. Stop this before it takes over the country and we become a nation of red-tongued heathens. Please, do it for the CHILDREN!

I appreciate your efforts.

Signed,

Kristin

President of People Against Cherry Kool-Aid (PACKA) 

I’m not only the President, I’m also a client.

007

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.

Comments

27 Responses to “Just Say No. To Kool-Aid.”

  1. Angella says:

    That photo is AWESOME.

    My addiction is of the Crystal Light variety. Same difference. Sigh.

    Angellas last blog post..How To Pick Your Life Partner

  2. Melissa says:

    Love those bangs!! 🙂

    Melissas last blog post..Ever Had A God Day?

  3. ali says:

    confession: i have NEVER had kool-aid. EVER!

    alis last blog post..when the cat’s away…

  4. HA HA! I have a Kool-Aid addiction too…I keep the little Singles packs at work so I’m never without it 🙂

    La Petite Chics last blog post..Hopeful

  5. You are brilliant.

    My addiction appears to be Little Debbies. It had not been a good week for my diet.

    Jen on the Edges last blog post..Loves it, love it more

  6. Alex says:

    Funny! I love Crystal Light Pink Lemonade. Try it – your teeth will thank me…LOL

  7. Sheri says:

    I buy the Sugar free mini Kool Aid packets made for bottled water….gotta love them. Ever try sugar free iced tea???? Delish!!!!

    I think you should try the blue Kool Aid, and then your tongue would be purple. Now that rocks!!!

    Sheris last blog post..Stuff Y’all Need to Know

  8. Candy says:

    Have you considered using it as a lip gloss instead?

    Candys last blog post..In Which I Cut Someone with my Rapier Sharp Wit

  9. slynnro says:

    1. Ali is such a freak.

    2. Kool-Aid is SO inferior to Crystal Light.

  10. Schwerer says:

    My name is Schwerer, and I too, am addicted to Sugar Free Kool-Aid (or the Walmart Crystal Light). Raspberry Lemonade is my drug of choice!

  11. lainey says:

    Don’t even try the Raspberry Lemonade… Don’t do it…

  12. Giggle Pixie says:

    Hubby and I are both addicted to the generic Crystal Light pink lemonade. It’s the government, I tell ya! They’re putting something in this stuff that keeps us coming back for more!

    Giggle Pixies last blog post..Tag! I’m It!

  13. Noelle says:

    I think you need an intervention. I’m a firm believer that sugar substitutes are probably really bad for us.

    I’ve got an ever so slight cranapple addiction. May I recommend that to you instead? The only deal is that you need to drink little amounts, like half a cup, at a time.

    Noelles last blog post..You can’t spell “Breaucracy” without “cracy”, which is “crazy” mispelled, by the way.

  14. Erin says:

    I used to drink Kool-Aid all the time. Except, I don’t do fake sugar so I drank the full-on sugar version. There was always a pitcher or two of Kool-Aid in the fridge.

    And then I discovered Jewel’s store-brand flavored sparkling water. It comes in all sorts of fruit flavors and has no sugar or sugar substitutes. I don’t know what kind of magic they use to flavor it but it’s super tasty and I assume much better for you and your tongue than Kool-Aid. At the very least it’s clear so it doesn’t turn anything any strange colors.

    Erins last blog post..Stretching My Goal

  15. regan says:

    Since getting knocked up all I want to drink is sugar free kool-aid. I mentioned to jparks the other day that I’m worried the baby will come out either stained red or shaped like the kool-aid man. You make it by the pitcher? Amateur. I make it by the gallon. And if you use a straw it really helps with the kool-aid lips and mouth.

    regans last blog post..sniff her butt!

  16. TUWABVB says:

    That’s one the funniest photos I have seen in a long time! I’ve never had Kool-Aid although I’m a huge fan of all the times he appears on “Family Guy.”

    But despite your warning, I now feel compelled to try it!

    TUWABVBs last blog post..We Will Extend A Hand if You Are Willing to Unclench Your Fist

  17. gorillabuns says:

    you and my neighbors. they have two HUGE JUGS OF KOOL-AID in their recycle bin. not that i go and dig in their bins but DANG! that’s a lot of kool aid.

    my downfall is Strawberry Fanta. I mainline it by the case.

  18. Celia says:

    Just gotta say…the bangs, they ROCK!

    Celias last blog post..Wordy Wednesday

  19. Darcey says:

    Dude. Now I’m craving sugar-free cherry kool-aid. I *love* kool-aid, but have been forcing myself to just keep water, beer and wine in the house, and no juices or sodas.

    But now that the idea is in my head? It’s so on.

    By the way, some of the red has washed out of my hair color, and now we have pretty much the same hair, but mine is longer.

    Yet another thing that proves we just *might* be related..

  20. Scarlet says:

    for a moment, I thought this was going to be a political post. I’m So glad it wasn’t!

    I don’t like kool aid. My mom never made it when we were kids and I hated having to drink it at other kids’ houses. I hope you can break the habit.

    Scarlets last blog post..In Your Honor

  21. Ummm….I drink like a GALLON of Kool-Aid a day! The red kind. Only, it’s actually Crystal Light and Scott makes fun of me because I call it Kool-Aid all the times. It’s kind of like Band-Aids, Q-Tips, etc. how you just call all knock-off brands by their more famed counterparts.

    Camels & Chocolates last blog post..This and That

  22. Ree says:

    Ugh. Now, if you were talking about purple Kool-Aid, we’d have a problem.

    Cute bangs!

    Rees last blog post..Oh Mah Holy Hell, Y’all

  23. Rhi says:

    Cherry?!? No, I’m sorry. Cherry Kool Aid is sick.

    Rhis last blog post..1.365 – Grace in Small Things

  24. In the words of the immortal Kool-Aid Man, “Ohhhhhhh yeah!”

    nancypearlwannabes last blog post..Testing… Testing…

  25. Fraulein N says:

    Now, typically I don’t like cherry-flavored foodstuffs, but cherry Kool-Aid is my favorite!

    Fraulein Ns last blog post..Lost: "Because You Left"/"The Lie"

  26. Jennifer says:

    so I’m delurking as of now. I found your blog a few days ago, and really am quite addicted. I’ve been missing out and I can always use more snark in my life. love the blog! hope you are having a fabulous evening!

    j

    Jennifers last blog post..Bertand Russell

  27. Adam says:

    every time i start to drink kool aid or crystal light i get headaches and i cant stop drinking it!!! There is defiantly some thing in these products that’s harmful and addictive.

    If you haven’t drank it already DONT! But chances are that if your reading this you too have the same problem…