I Think We’re Done Here

Posted By on August 6, 2008

Tuesday night I was supposed to go have a chat with my therapist. I didn’t go last week because of the sales conference. At my last appointment 2 weeks ago, I wrote down my appointment time for this week on a slip of paper in my purse. It said Tuesday at 6:45.

So I showed up. Tuesday at 6:45.

She was all “I have you for tomorrow at 6:30 PM. Can you do it then?” My first thought was “no, because I was supposed to come Tuesday at 6:45!” But then I said no, but I could come later. So we agreed at 8 PM on Wednesday night.

Earlier in the day on Tuesday I was emailing with my mom and I was all “I think I’m done with therapy. I really don’t want to go. It feels like such a chore. It shouldn’t feel like such a chore.” And as my mom always tells me, do what you need to do. Which, awesome non-advice mom! I’ll remember that the next time you fall down the stairs at Wrigley. (Kidding! Hi mom! Love you!)

As I left my non-appointment on Tuesday night, I realized that I had to quit my therapist. She’s a nice enough lady and I think she’s good at what she does. But really, it shouldn’t be a chore to go every week. I shouldn’t be excited for the weeks I can’t go.

Now granted, therapy isn’t like going to a bar and knocking back a few cocktails. Now that is fun! But from my last experience, I also know I didn’t ever dread it. Sometimes I worried I would have nothing to talk about (HA!), but I never had that overwhelming sense of dread of going.

So I decided on my walk back to the train from my non-appointment that I would cancel this week’s appointment. I made up some excuse about dinner reservations and that I couldn’t make it.

But I do have an appointment next Thursday. And that’s when I’m going to tell her that her services are no longer needed. But because I’m too nice and she knows my damn weaknesses, I’m going to say that I don’t have any free evenings at ALL the rest of August and that I have no insurance come September 1. So we’ll have to sever our relationship for the time being. And I’ll make promises to call her once I find a job and start back up with her. Which will all be a BIG, FAT LIE.

It’s really not her. I’m just not really focused and motivated enough to be delving into this again. (Any armchair therapists are welcome to psychoanalyze this.) If I’m going to be paying for this service, I should be invested in it. And now, I just don’t have the time. I’ve got too much shit going on. And also? Her calling me sweetie all the time is really starting to irritate the fuck out of me.

So when I get a new job (hopefully one with benefits) I’ll look into starting my therapist search again. I really think you have to be in a place where you WANT to go to therapy, not just go and pay a $20 co-pay for the Jolly Ranchers on the table.

But boy oh boy am I going to miss the FREE Jolly Ranchers.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to β€œHey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.

Comments

33 Responses to “I Think We’re Done Here”

  1. Lori says:

    KJ – your not wanting to go to therapy because it doesn’t feel right and you are not into it is how I feel about Weight Watchers. It’s kind of how in the back of my head I know it’s good for me and I should do it and that it works, but the front of my head is totally against it, doesn’t want to it and knows it won’t work because – I’m just not that into you Weight Watchers!

    And yet, I’m probably going to go back to it next week. Or the week after. Or… No, really. August 18. And if I try it and it sux, then I’ll quit and decide what to do after that.

    Sorry for the “all about me” comment. Basically, what I think I’m getting to, is that if you are not into something, and not ready to be into it, it’s not going to work. But that doesn’t mean it won’t ever work and maybe it just needs to be at the right time/place. I think. Sorry for the schizo post, it’s late.

    I’ll be your therapist if you ever want to talk, and when I say talk you know I mean email or text because I too, hate the phone.

    Love ya!

  2. christa says:

    i think that just because she is a therapist doesn’t mean she is right for you. she’s like a boy: she may call you sweetie and know your weaknesses, but that doesn’t mean you should devote a day a week to her.

    you need to consider: a) do i need a therapist? b) do i need a new therapist and c) do i need a male therapist.

    because when i was thinking of seeing one, i definitely needed a man. i looked at their ages, backgrounds, and in some cases photos. in a nonsexual way. but shop around. see who fits you. i knew that i had to see someone i wanted to talk to and that was a male in a certain age demographic who hadn’t gone to this college or that. use stereotypes! this is a person giving you advise and helping you move in the direction you want. pick the demographic you are comfortable with.

    christas last blog post..proof …

  3. This therapist is just not the right ‘fit’ for you, and your subconscious knows that. If you do decide to go back into therapy, you do need to make sure you and the therapist have that connection that makes it feel right.

    I went to a therapist a few years ago who was very nice, very good at her job, but . . . it just didn’t feel “right”, and I could not open up to her like I should have been able to. After a few sessions, I felt that I was paying someone to be my friend and listen to my complaints. Problem was, this was the only therapist my work EAP contracted with. So, I stopped going. It was tough, but I made it through, finally.

    Good luck, and hang in there . . .

    Liz J in Central Illinoiss last blog post..The Party’s Over (UPDATE)

  4. slynnro says:

    You should come to my office- one of my co-workers has Jolly Ranchers on her desk. And she is always in the bathroom!

    slynnros last blog post..Scenes From a Marriage: Don’t Take Me to Your Law Firm Dinner Edition

  5. michele says:

    slynnro–heh.
    therapy is supposed to be helpful, otherwise what is the point? you can go back when you feel more secure financially and find someone new. don’t feel bad about that!
    also–my mom gives the same kind of advice. what is the deal with these mothers? why can’t they be bossy like us? just tell me what to do sometimes dammit!

    micheles last blog post..Things I’ll Never Do When I Grow Up: Part 1

  6. Your therapist calls you sweetie? Is that a normal thing for a therapist?

  7. ali says:

    um, ps…my mom is QUEEN of the non-advice advice

    “ali, we do what we need to do”

    what in the sam hell does that mean?

    alis last blog post..of pasta birthdays and pineapple express dreams

  8. I say quit the therapist and don’t look back. In fact, don’t even bother telling her in person. Drop her a letter in the mail today that you don’t think it’s a good fit and leave it at that. Don’t apologize or make excuses. Just do it. A clean break will feel good.

    Jen on the Edges last blog post..Bucket list

  9. Ah-ha! I knew that ‘sweetie’ thing wasn’t going to last too long. There is just something so condescending about it when it comes from a therapist. It makes her sound like a kindergarten teacher. Icky!

    But it is like breaking up. You make the excuses because you don’t want to hurt her feelings, but the reality is you are paying her for a service. And if that service is not to your liking, you should let her know or the ‘sweetie’ crap will land on someone else.

    Good luck!

    thecoconutdiariess last blog post..Some of My Best Friends Are Disabled!

  10. Ree says:

    She does know you have a blog, right?

    πŸ˜‰

    Rees last blog post..Good Morning America!

  11. Heather B. says:

    Yeah, it’s never good when you think that therapy is a chore. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and now I’m in the middle of looking for a new therapist because the one I have right now is just not cutting it for me.

    Heather B.s last blog post..El Fin

  12. DM says:

    My last therapist was one where I didn’t really have anything to say to in our meetings. We just sat there and he’d ask questions and I’d reply in a “meh” tone. Because, really, we both knew I was depressed but there really wasn’t anything pressing about it. No deep dark secrets that I was hiding or anything. Turned out it was a chemical imbalance and I just need Effexor to keep from the dark depths of despair. He was the one that finally said “Look, this really isn’t doing anything for you.” I’ll always be grateful for that and he did give me some other tidbits of good advice.

    I’m certainly not saying that you need Effexor or anything – just agreeing with you that therapy shouldn’t be a chore.

    DMs last blog post..Work is hell. Unless you work with Christy

  13. Katie says:

    I broke up with my therapist after going on vacation and never calling her to schedule another appointment (I used to schedule them one at a time at the prior appointment). Clearly, I knew it was time to say goodbye and I think you, and only you, can make that decision.

    Katies last blog post..Anything to Move the Scary Bug Down the Page!

  14. Angella says:

    I’ll be your therapist! Come to Canada! I’ll even buy you Jolly Ranchers.

    Maybe that will make up for the fact that I know nothing about therapy.

    Angellas last blog post..Squeezing Every Moment

  15. jodifur says:

    good for you for recognizing what works and what doesn’t.

    I’ll send you free jolly ranchers.

    jodifurs last blog post..Reasons I am a 12 Year Old Girl

  16. Nic says:

    I think you need to quit this woman, but not therapy. If she’s making it chore-like it’s not worth it. It shouldn’t be a chore. HOWEVER, you’re not always going to love therapy and it is going to be hard. A good therapist should remind you that you’re making progress and going through the process and it won’t always feel that way.

    Nics last blog post..Weighty topics

  17. Melissa says:

    Maybe it’s not that your not ready for therapy…maybe it’s you just don’t like your therapist.

    I just quit my therapist for exactly that reason. I know there are times that a therapist should piss you off and make you think but when they do it all the time…well, then there is an issue.

    Maybe it’s time to shop for a different therapist…or just wait until you find a new job.

    And you don’t need to explain why your not coming back. You owe her nothing.

    Melissas last blog post..Grandma & My Girl…

  18. JRM says:

    When I’ve quit therapists I just cancel the appointment and voila! The end. I agree that you do have a lot on your plate and having been there, the overwhelming thoughts of “no job, need a job, give me a job” are more than enough for you to handle.

  19. Sarah says:

    This is a tricky situation.I felt the same way with my therapist, I felt like we had reached a natural break. I mean there were times when I really didn’t want to go but that was because we were talking about really upsetting stuff. In hindsight I am really glad that I made myself go because I feel like I got a lot resolved. So sometimes it is a necessary evil ya know? But if you feel like you have outgrown her then there is ntohing you can do but part ways.

    Sarahs last blog post..Ring A Ding Ding

  20. moo says:

    If I was your therapist, I would want you to come to the appointment and tell me EXACTLY why you are severing the relationship. Without excuses. And just in the way you wrote it above.

    1.) I’m not invested in it, so I’m not getting enough out of it.

    2.) It’s OK for me not to enjoy it, but I feel I should look forward to it.

    3.) Perhaps we’re not a good fit for each other. I especially feel awkward when you call me “sweetie.”

    4.) I may seek therapy elsewhere, do you have any recommendations you could pass along?

    And, on a separate note … there are several good psychology schools in Chicago and the students are always looking for patients to practice on. It sounds cannibalistic, but you may want to seek a 3rd year student as your therapist … you might find more in common with them than with someone already established (plus … cheap!)

    moos last blog post..dead fish and houseguests begin to stink after 2 days

  21. LarryLilly says:

    If you dont find a job between now and the first, you are going to be nucking futz.

    I can see the ramblings now.

    Bullet One: Cats and how they are out to get you.

    Bullet two: Drinking and how it makes your life easier to accept.

    Bullet three: How you need therapy, because your out of work, and well, with that much pressure you need therapy, but if you had a cool job where you could blog all day and go to company sponsored party’s with free snacks, booze and dont forget the free A/C, then you wouldnt need therapy.

    Did I leave any out?

    Take action, go to the therapy, PLAN what you want to discuss, talk about what YOU want, at the speed you want, and tell her you only have three more weeks.

    LarryLillys last blog post..Great, now I am being told I am a woman

  22. Vanessa says:

    I just came back from my therapist so let me preface this by saying perhaps this isn’t the best moment for me to comment on *anything*. I think you are right though, therapy is hard. Sometimes dreaded, sometimes not, most always hard. Sometimes too though, I don’t think the therapist can quite “get you” in an hour a week. How can they understand you, your past, your issues in one hour a week and (I assume) lots of reading between the lines? I’ll stop there. Just honor yourself and do what you know you are capable of.

  23. Candy says:

    Others have already said it. Sounds like she’s not the right therapist.

    When you’re back on your feet, maybe you’ll try again with someone else.

    Candys last blog post..Things To Do Before I Die

  24. slynnro says:

    Well, I’m glad Larry Lilly really summed you up nicely. That was helpful.

    slynnros last blog post..Scenes From a Marriage: Don’t Take Me to Your Law Firm Dinner Edition

  25. Jenn says:

    I am putting the therapist hat on, and I will represent πŸ˜‰ As a therapist I agree with many of these comments – therapy is hard work on the client’s part and you have to make time and devote energy to it. Right now, you are stressed beyond belief, and maybe this just isn’t the best time. You know what’s best for you and what feels right – follow your gut. You have lots of good, supportive friends…maybe that is enough for now? I have clients come in and out of therapy, coming when it is right for them.

  26. Jenn says:

    Now, I am in the role of your friend. You are a smart, insightful woman who is honest with herself about her “shit.” You know yourself best and have lots of good people in your life who care about you. Keep blogging – that is your therapy! (Well, I suppose you could have a glass of wine too πŸ˜‰ Things will look up for you…this is a crappy time for you. You don’t need to pay someone to tell you that!

  27. There is no reason to invest the money and the time if you aren’t getting anything out of it.

    Besides, you can always get another therapist.

    Sarah, Goon Squad Sarahs last blog post..The World Just Keeps Getting Smaller

  28. Julie says:

    You’re wise to follow your instincts. When you’re in the mood and feel like you want and need to see someone, then you’ll pick up again and search for someone who is a better fit for you. Besides, I’m sure job-searching is where you want to put most of your energy right now, so I can’t blame you one bit.

  29. Kristie says:

    I think you should just tell her exactly why you won’t be coming back. Maybe she can analyze it for you in your last hour together. It’s a worth a shot, right?

  30. Evil Genius says:

    Silly girl…you just say, “It’s not you. It’s me.” And then give her a big hug and let her cop a feel or two and then…

    Wait…who was it you’re breaking up with again?

    Oh. Your therapist. Well.

    Never mind.

    Evil Geniuss last blog post..Lick My Lolly!

  31. Dude, guess what? MINE HAS JOLLY RANCHERS TOO! What the hell? Is that like some sort of secret shrink candy? I think we’ve uncovered something!

    Kimberly/ MommaKs last blog post..Done

  32. Danielle-lee says:

    you should be invested in it. you should probably tell her the truth-you just dont’ feel motivated or into it right now. do what you gotta do. focusing on getting a job will make you feel better, and once that falls into place, maybe you will want to focus on the therapy thing.

    Danielle-lees last blog post..Music Lover Monday-New Songs I (pink puffy) heart

  33. Laurel says:

    It just doesn’t sound like you two have really “clicked.” I think chemistry is super important with a therapist!

    Laurels last blog post..Coming Up For Air…