Jesus Juice
Posted By Kristabella on July 8, 2008
Dear Wine,
You and I are no longer friends.
We have always had a good relationship from the minute your grapey goodness touched my lips. Yes, you turn my teeth a disgusting shade of purple, but I never cared. I liked having you in my belly, loved the warm feeling and the lovely glow you gave me.
You always were my drink of choice. You didn’t give me raging hangovers in the morning, at least not the kind that comes with stabby pains in my head that DON’T GO AWAY. I could drink bottles of your tastiness every night and still want more of you when I woke up, er, I mean the following evening.
And then last night happened. You went and fucked me up. You fucked me up good. So much so that I spent part of my night praying to the porcelain god and sleeping on my bathroom floor, which is NOT clean and/or comfortable.
You tempted me all day, Wine. You had that awesome waiter at the Park Hyatt pour me HUGE glasses with lunch. And then there you were with all of you friends, like little soldiers, lined up on the bar at the going away party last night. Tempting me with your intoxicating charm and the fact that you were FREE. And you know, oh you know really well Wine, that I cannot turn you down when you are free.
And then you mocked me all evening, watching me try to make a meal on tiny little snacks and cheese and crackers. You knew, Wine, that it wasn’t going to fill me up and soon my belly would be full of nothing more than you and you alone. And you knew what that would mean. You knew it would mean you would later be exiting my belly through the same hole you went in.
You sucked me in. You made me go out to that bar after the party and drink more. Which means that today, I don’t have any recollection of that bar. And that I may or may not have gotten in a fight with a co-worker at said bar. And that I also took a cab home, which normally leads to great stories, but you ruined even that for me Wine. You took over my whole body so that I couldn’t even speak to the cab driver, let alone sit upright.
Wine, you forced me to call in sick today with the brown bottle flu. Wine, in all my years of binge drinking, I have never done that. You FORCED me too. Because when I woke up fully clothed, half laying on my bed with my shoes still on at 5 AM, I realized that you won Wine. I was not going into work today.
So, Wine, you and I need to sever our relationship. We have gotten too close and it has ruined both of or lives. We both need to move apart and away from each other to stay sane. We are so on a break, Wine.
Drunkenly yours,
Kristabella
P.S. Wine, you know this break will only last until the next time you seduce me. Which will probably be later this week.
About the author
Sometimes a break is good. Hope you are ready to give it another go by BlogHer time! Feel better soon and vitamin B12 is good for hangovers.
You are hilarious!! I think we have all been there at one time or another. You are such a talented and creative writer to put a funny spin on such a horrible life experience. Cheers to you!
This reminds me of Adam Sandler’s “Red Sweatshirt” song. Too funny …and yes, too close to home. I have has this discussion with Wine as well. She is a freaking harpy.
Kimberly/ MommaK’s last blog post..Set Fourth For Fam
I think I got a hangover reading this!
Raven’s last blog post..i shopped, but do i keep it all?
A break is good, even if it’s only for a few days. Maybe it will give Wine a chance to miss you.
Jen on the Edge’s last blog post..The secret life of American Girl dolls, part 2
Now I’m having Friends “We were on a break!” flashbacks.
Hope you are feeling better.
Hope you’re feeling better today. I’m with Raven…I don’t feel so good now…
Red wine has, in the past, been very mean to me. But I’ve forgiven it and learned that it is a fickle bedfellow, and now we have an affable relationship.
I like wine because it’s sippin’ booze. Good with meals, friends, and we all have purple teeth. Wine and I have not broken up, but it was so hot yesterday, I bought some beer and chilled it in the freezer. Beer and I have broken up.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Eggs
All that boozin it’s about time wine wins one!
Hate it when that happens.
LOL. Too funny.
Ashmystir’s last blog post..mondays just come too soon…
Wine and I have gotten into fights like this before. We always seem to make up though.
Melina’s last blog post..In the Most Unexpected Places
That reminds me: I’m out of wine. Must go pick some up after work!
Noelle’s last blog post..Scandal!
At least it was free!
-R-‘s last blog post..Indubitably
No cab stories?! I’m so so so sad.
Kristie’s last blog post..Is she a mean dog?
THIS is soooo what you should read at BlogHer!
As soon as I saw your title, I thought of Michael Jackson, and now I have “Beat It” in my head. Mmm… Wine…
Totally off topic: What kind of camera did you buy? The hubby and I got in a fight, and I figured as a “Gotcha, you bastard” I would buy an SLR. I wanted to buy the Nikon D40, but someone told me that you can’t do much because of the limited lens. So, whadcha get? Do you like it?
Andria’s last blog post..Karma Will Get Ya
This is so like my relationship with vodka…..took me almost 15 years to resume said relationship. I still can’t stand to look at Cherry 7Up because of vodka.
Maybe you got so sick because you mixed red and white wine….
Sheri’s last blog post..One More Minute
Hahahaha!
I am laughing WITH you, not AT you. I promise.
Angella’s last blog post..Or So The Saying Goes
haha! love this.
wine, surprisingly, is always the bitchiest of alcohols to me and my body.
ali’s last blog post..my appendix may be lost forever…and blogher
one word: gatorade
hillary’s last blog post..One Backless Strapless Copper Thread Gown
zomg beer better not ever cross me like wine has to you!
Scarlet’s last blog post..True Love Waits
LOL! My wine seduces me non-stop, but I don’t give in all that often…..I am one hard bitch. 🙂
Hope you feel better!
danielle-lee’s last blog post..Saturday/Sunday shopping spree
Thanks for lots of LOL-ing at work. I needed that. (And usually it’s wine that I need…)
You got drunk enough to throw up on Wine? I thought you were more hard-core than that. I’m speechless.
Candy’s last blog post..Going to the chapel
That break better be over before BlogHer, because I planning on drinking alot of it with you, my fellow winette! 🙂
P.S. Every now and then, wine does a number on me. Just like it’s trying to mock me or something.
Katie’s last blog post..Our Weekend at the Seashore
Wine told me to tell you that you’re now his bitch and he only intends to call you at 2am from now on.
thecoconutdiaries’s last blog post..Freak Off A Leash
What? You and wine broke up??? Aw… I really though you kids were gonna make it.
Laurel’s last blog post..Sisterhood Wedding Weekend
You can’t break up!! You’re perfect for each other!!! Maybe Wine just had a hard day and took it out on you. I think you should give him another chance.
Allison’s last blog post..Whoever Said Money Can’t Buy Happiness Has Obviously Never Been To Build-A-Bear
Wine says he doesn’t care if you don’t like him like that. You can be friends with benefits.
Dingo’s last blog post..I’ve Gathered Moss
I fight with wine maybe once a month, but we still hang out almost every night. I had a huge fight with beer several months back, and I’m not sure if our relationship will ever be the same. I had to stay home from work after that one!
curlatini, esq.’s last blog post..New attorney update
If I see wine, I’ll give it a swift kick on your behalf.
She Likes Purple’s last blog post..Let’s Talk About It, Shall We?
Dude, Wine is so your “relationship anti-Christ” now.
The Muse’s last blog post..Whip It Up I – Beer Bread
Oh Kristabella! I learned my lesson a long time ago about wine. It’s taken me a long time to become friends with him again. I hope you feel better.
I’m terrified about dealing with the impending BlogHer hangovers. Plural.
slynnro’s last blog post..What is BUGGING me NOW.
Oh lord. You’re reminding me of one too many times of praying to the bowl and vowing off wine. Yet I always returned–except 2 glasses instead of 1 bottle.
girlplease’s last blog post..Kids say the darndest things
But that means now you can have a good margarita or some rum and coke. ‘Cause, you know, you’re on a BREAK. 🙂
Evil Genius’s last blog post..Update
I had to break it off with wine last year when I got pregnant. I am still nursing, so no reconciliation yet. Tell wine I miss him.
Cara’s last blog post..A Gnome For All Seasons
There’s a virus going around. Really. It CANNOT have been the wine alone, really. REALLY. Wine is good. Wine would NOT do that to you!
Chris’s last blog post..How to teach a 2 year old to speak…
You say this on your way to BlogHer? Oh babe. You are soooooooooo in trouble.
Ree’s last blog post..WW – Roy G Biv
I think this wine post will make me hug my Baileys bottle just a wee bit tighter…
Lys’s last blog post..Calling All Shoe Detectives…
This made me laugh so hard.. I’m linking to this!!!!
Fabulously Broke’s last blog post..I am SO DONE with this company….
WOW! That was quite a date you had there with your buddy, Wine! Really did a number on you, huh? You just can’t trust that Wine… Bastard!
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