Meh And Blah: I’m Bleh.
Posted By Kristabella on July 9, 2008
I’m having a hard time coming up with post ideas. Mostly since The Day of Doom when I got word my position was being eliminated. I think the tiny bit of depression my therapist saw kind of then blew up into full-blown bouts with crazy depression in the last week or so.
Part of it is because I don’t want to look for a job again. I just don’t. It’s a sucky job looking for a job. On top of it, I’m not sure what to look for.
Here’s the thing, I KNOW I want to be a writer. Which is all fine and good except that isn’t really a position you apply for on the internet. And it is hard to make a living as one of those writer things. I would love to write books or magazine articles or something and get paid for it.
As my therapist pointed out last week, I don’t seem like someone who enjoys the whole corporate culture and I’m always fighting back. I cannot be contained in a little box that is Corporate America. I do not like to conform. I am my own person. ROAR!
I know most people aren’t corporate drones or don’t set out to be. But they kind of get used to it and it becomes a way of life. Not so much for me. I’ve gotten the boot for having a big mouth and telling the CFO that his policies are bullshit. I’ve gotten fired for calling Slalom Consulting a stupid name and calling one of the Vice Presidents a pompous asshole on my blog. I’ve gotten in trouble COUNTLESS times for opening my mouth. I am unable to play the game and go along with protocol of being in an office and learning the game of office politics. I CANNOT LEARN. Shit, it was just Day 12 at my current job that I pulled a Kristabella and ended up crying because my mouth once again got me in hot water.
I know I should learn. I HAVE to learn because that is the society we live in. But it would be so much better for me to work for myself or from home and not have to deal with all that bullshit. I do not deal well with bullshit. If bullshit was something we LIKED, it would have a better name like puppykisses.
So I’ve come to a crossroads in my life. My current situation is providing me with an opportunity to write and not have to worry about the 9 to 5 for a little bit. I will have some time to play with. In that time I could write, live off my severance, unemployment and take odd jobs. I could also temp if I had to if it meant I could write.
But there are so many unknowns. I will write a book one day, whether it gets published or not. But I think that is part of the reason for my procrastinating. I could spend all that time and then nothing. Just writing and finishing something doesn’t necessarily mean it is going to get sold or published. There are no guarantees
And what if I take this time to write, do something for ME, and then I can’t get back into the Corporate World? What happens if I can’t pay the bills? Then what?
I’ve had some hard times finding jobs. When I moved back to Illinois in 2005, it took me almost 6 months to find something. The consulting job? I had been looking for over four months. And these were at a time when our economy wasn’t in the tank.
The other part of this is that if I can find a job in September, that means I will be able to take that severance and put it towards my debt. I could pay off all my credit card debt AND make a dent in my student loans. And I would also reward myself with a flat screen TV because it’s the least I deserve for getting laid off for the third fucking time. (Don’t even try to talk me out of it. I can justify ANYTHING.)
So I’m stuck. I’m not sure what to do. My gut tells me one thing and my bank account tells me another. I really feel like this happening was the universe’s way of kicking me in the ass. There is something that I’m supposed to do because of this window I’m provided with and that isn’t just to jump into another crappy job.
I know it will work itself out. It always does. But I feel like time is starting to run out and my head is still spinning from it all. I feel like I’m swimming underwater and I’m having a hard time breaking the surface. And I’m afraid when I do, it might be too late and I’ll have missed out on something great.
About the author
Write your book. Actually, write a book proposal, just to get the ball rolling. If it gets rejected, oh well. Those slips make great fire starters.
And don’t even get me started on the whole “having a hard time coming up with post ideas”. I just wrote a post about a pregnant man giving birth. Yeah.
Andria’s last blog post..Pregnant Man Gives Birth
Bullshit as puppykisses. I really like that. Could it be time to start your own company? I know your boss would understand you.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Deaf Old Ladies
Have you ever considered a job therapist? (I know there’s a better name, but I can’t remember it). They basically give you all these tests, and tell you what the best occupation for you would be. It might spark some ideas about what you should be looking for, and would hopefully make your new job search more interesting and exciting.
tutugirl1345’s last blog post..Oops…
My gut tells me that there’s more than one book in you dying to get out. I know it won’t be easy, but isn’t it time Kristabella did something for HERSELF instead of for everyone else? I’ve got your back, kid. Always.
I temped when I moved to Dallas and couldn’t get a lawyer job. I made like 2 grand a month. And some temp agencies offer health insurance. So it wouldn’t be the worst thing.
slynnro’s last blog post..Salad Bar Tragedies.
Matt’s company is hiring in their marketing department and they are actually doing quite well right now. I am sure he would put in a good word for you if you are interested.
Temp work would give you the flexibility to write and some job variety. Unfortunately, most places treat their temps like shit but if you are just doing it for the paycheck so you can go home and write, it might be something worth considering.
I can justify anything, too!
I understand the struggle, I really do. And looking for jobs DOES suck. Why can’t I be hired to listen to good music??
Scarlet’s last blog post..Hot Freaks
It sounds to me like you are trying to eat the whole hamburger in one bite. Of course, that would be overwhelming!
Instead, try taking one bite … a taste. And put the hamburger down while you savor that bite. Then take another bite. Soon, that whole hamburger will be gone and you won’t have even noticed it.
(It’s very easy to talk yourself out of doing what you really want to do, when bills are staring you in the face. Believe me, I know.)
moo’s last blog post..slice
Oh lady, this is the same position I face all the time. It would be awesome to just find a job that would pay us to hang out in our pjs and write, yeah? If I find one, I will give you half and we can share.
I would love for you to write the book. But that’s kind of selfish because I want to read the book you would write! Of course I want you to be all famous too.
But honestly, I would at least look into it. I think if you just jumped back in to corporate america you would regret it. And a big screen TV is not worth the regret.
Erin’s last blog post..Let’s Talk Parties!
It sounds like this would be a great time in your life for an internship in the writing world. It could help get your foot in the door at a magazine or newspaper…
I get the head spinning thing!
Take a deep breath and follow that burning in your gut (no. not the burning from the burrito…the other burning).
You will be a writer. That is your vision. You don’t have to know how it will happen…it just will. You are taking steps towards it. I agree that losing your job was the universe’s way of kicking you in the ass.
I recommend watching the movie “The Secret.” I have been getting into the “law of attraction” and quantam physics a little these days. It is fascinating and works well in therapy!
I believe that if you really want to be a writer, it will happen! Shit, you are already a writer!
Love you and thinking about you!
De-lurking to say I’m a published author, and it comes with more than its fair share of puppykisses! Even after getting an offer (which can take years and years full of mega-bullshit) you’re still dealing with editors and agents and publishers and publicists and readers who write to tell you they don’t appreciate your use of sex and violence and language.
It’s a great career, don’t get me wrong, but it’s also scary as hell (will I get another offer?), full of uncertainty (will that offer be enough to allow me to eat anything other than nonstop kidney beans?), and stress (what if I can’t come up with the next sentence? What if my right hand falls off? If I lose my eyeballs? Will I ever write again?)
I wrote while I had a job–It was really the only way of being certain I’d be able to pay the mortgage long-term–and even after getting published, I waited until I got a contract for multiple books, offering more than I was making in my old job, before quitting. Publishing is a long, slow process–For some people it can take years between writing the first book and getting an offer. I actually wrote eight (yes 8!) books before I got any bites…
Good luck, whatever you decide. (And I’d go for the flatscreen…It’s clinically proven to help with depression.)
Can I just say that job searching SUCKS? Because it does. Everyone else has good advice for you, so I will just commiserate with you. Boo to working and the corporate world.
-R-‘s last blog post..Indubitably
You and I, we are in this awesome club. You see, I too was laid off 3 damn times in a row. And, so I started working in a different industry. Same job, different industry (also lower pay, but whatever, details)
I think I will reward myself with a flatscreen too, I AM WORTH IT. 🙂
Rhi’s last blog post..Cooking for One: Now, where were we?
I am currently looking for a job because I am about to graduate from college. Unfortunately, I want to teach and I live in Florida, two things that don’t go together very well. I wish I could stay home and write but I don’t know what I would write about. I feel your pain.
Sheenah’s last blog post..Cafe Rules
I also like the idea of getting a writing internship. I hate temp agencies (perhaps b/c with 12 years of experience in a science field they said I wasn’t qualified to answer phones and file) and think you’d make more cash waiting tables. It’s not easy and you are taking orders from assholes all day so that might now work for you, but the cash is so good.
JRM’s last blog post..Hillarious
Sweetie….do what your heart tells you. Just keep in mind what your bank account says. Do what makes you happy, life is too short.
Kristie’s last blog post..I need a favor from you, Internet
Two words.
Government job. Not city, or state but the feds.
Once your past the proby period, you can pretty much say what you want to pretty much anyone, and well, they have great benefit’s, the pay is OK, and you can always move to other areas.
Go here:
http://www.opm.gov/
find a job. stay employed, and write the book on the side.
LarryLilly’s last blog post..Great, now I am being told I am a woman
Follow your heart, but also keep your wits about you, especially when it comes to your finances.
Hang in there . . .
Liz J in Central Illinois’s last blog post..24 Years Ago . . . (pt. 1)
You so deserve that flat screen, girl.
The Muse’s last blog post..Whip It Up I – Beer Bread
Aw, Mahnee’s comment made me cry.
I agree with putting together a book proposal and shopping it around. I’ve heard people say that looking for a job is a full-time job…but I have to believe there’s a day off or two in there someplace.
I know you know people who could at least hook you up with someone to TALK to about writing.
Ree’s last blog post..WW – Roy G Biv
If you want to write, go for it! I think it can take about a year to build up enough clips and contacts to make a steady income, though, so you’d have to be prepared for that. It’s definitely daunting, but this might be the golden opportunity!
That said, I do think that it’s possible to find an office culture that suits you, so don’t give up on it completely.
Laurel’s last blog post..Sisterhood Wedding Weekend
Just my humble opinion. But I think if you didn’t take this opportunity to write that you would regret it. You can alway get a ‘job’ if you need one…even if it’s waiting tables or something. But you won’t always have the time or the drive to write.
Allison’s last blog post..Whoever Said Money Can’t Buy Happiness Has Obviously Never Been To Build-A-Bear
go with your gut. definitely.
ali’s last blog post..raised right. and straight. and with a warm gun.
Like, -R-, I also offer up no advice, but misery does love company right? I’m also unhappy in this corporate world, but I’m trying my best to realize that unfortunately for me, right now, my job is a job and that it pays for me to enjoy my life outside of it.
I have no advice except to tell you to do whatever will make you happy. I’ll cheer you along, whatever you decide 🙂
Angella’s last blog post..Introducing Myself
You know, I was out of Corporate America for almost 20 years. Had some kids, went to college, didn’t graduate. And the trip back to it was surprisingly short. I don’t know that you can ever get so far away from it that you can’t get back. Do what you want while you can.
Candy’s last blog post..Night Terrors
I say if your heart is leading you somewhere, follow your heart. If you want to write, then do it. If you want to start by selling articles to magazines, give it a try. Work the angle, hard, until you come up with something,then try it out and see what you think. Even if it doesn’t work out like you thought it might, you will have tried and you will know in your heart you gave it your all. Besides, why get 10 years down the road and have the constant wonder of “what if?”
I think you’re a fantastic writer and I truly hope you land the job of your dreams sooner rather than later. I hope I don’t sound like too much of a simp here, but have you ever thought about going out on some of the freelance writing project sites to see if there might be some jobs you could bid for out there that interest you? I mean, it would be excellent practice, plus it would at the very least be some good “side” money.
Whatever you find, I’m sure you’ll be great at it!
Evil Genius’s last blog post..Update
If you don’t find something before your severance runs out, get registered with the Temp agencies and do that while you continue to search for a good fit somewhere. been there, done that, too. Hang in there, kid, it’ll work out one way or another. Did you think anymore about the Madison job market? The offer is still open to try to link you with a contact or two up there…
Coast Rat’s last blog post..WEEK #19 – MISSISSIPPI GULF COAST BLUE BIRD TRAIL UPDATE & WILD FLOWER CONTEST
You totally need to take this opportunity to write write write. Do it!!!
Danielle-lees last blog post..The saga of the blankie