Bacon Has No Daddy Issues
Posted By Kristabella on June 25, 2008
Because his daddy ended up on a BLT in a diner in Hoboken.
You know who we haven’t heard from in awhile? Bacon! Yay! I can feel your excitement reaching through my computer screen and grabbing me by my collar and shaking me because holy fucking shit balls! Bacon! IT’S BACON!
OK, so I know there are some new people visiting here. And I know that I talk a lot about Bacon and there are pictures and holy cow this woman loves Bacon so much she made fucking meat shirts! And a lot of you don’t quite get it. Even though I created a whole page on MY blog for Bacon. Seriously. Click here. You can read all about him.
But for those of you who are lazy and are reading in your feed reader at work and just want to get to something FUNNY that you can comment on, I will give you the rundown. Bacon is a folder. It says “WWBD: What Would Bacon Do?” And there is a big Bacon spinner and you ask Bacon questions, IMPORTANT questions, that can only be answered with things such as “Sizzle” or “Liven Up A Salad.”
Sometimes (like today) Bacon will go through my Google search terms and pick out the weirdest ones and respond to the Idiot Google Searchers of the world.
I know you’re so jealous because not only do I have cats that can type blog posts, and who also have quite a grasp on the English language, I also have an inanimate folder with mystical powers that also can type. It’s OK to want to be me. Or you could just buy a Bacon shirt here (cuss-free version) or here (R rated version).
Bacon had quite a few search terms to go through since he hasn’t done this in quite some time. And he’s kind of disappointed that the most searches are for Jen Lancaster. Which puzzles him so. One, because Kristabella’s name is not Jen Lancaster. And also, if you were searching for Jen Lancaster, wouldn’t you go to Jen Lancaster’s blog? Bacon is just saying. But he also wants to say thanks for clicking through.
Come for the snark, stay for the Bacon.
Anderson Cooper puppy dog eyes
Bacon is not quite sure who this Anderson Cooper person is, but he once heard that good old Andy is a fan of meat, preferably sausage. To which Bacon says, rock on with your bad self Anderson and “Liven Up A Salad.” You know, in case you like a tossed salad with your wieners.
Window air conditioner won’t start
Bacon overheard Kristabella get all excited about this one, like because she installed her window air conditioner all by herself, with MANY TEARS SHED Bacon might add, that means she’s a fucking expert or something. Which is loosely translated to Bacon being pissed because he never gets to go into the room with the air conditioning and is left to fry (pun intended) in the living room in the heat. But to this person wondering about their a/c unit not working, Bacon says “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B stands for box and not in another dirty connotation about Anderson Cooper’s sex habits. But in this instance, B stands for Box as in it tends to work better when you remove the air conditioner from said box.
Spongbob this is way i am hot
Bacon is wondering who this Spongbob character is. What exactly is a spong? And why would Bob have one? Or is a spong something you would bob for? Let’s ask Anderson. Anderson says “Smoke.” And Bacon says “Smoke” and a poke? To each his own, Andy. To each his own.
The correct taste
Bacon. The correct taste is bacon. Fo Sizzle.
What is a bump on your head that hurts?
It’s called a bump on your head. Bacon thinks this person should maybe stop asking Google and maybe get to an emergency room because clearly you have a concussion. And while you’re there, Bacon says “Raise Cholesterol” because it really freaks the fuck out of the nurses.
Orange glow outside my window?
Bacon says that is called the sun. And that means it is time to get your ass out of bed and get to work. Because Bacon has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle that he needs you to maintain. So get your ass out of bed before Bacon “Spits Hot Grease.” And obviously don’t forget your sunglasses.
Cat in closet
Bacon would like to point out that this is what he does every day after Kristin leaves for work, he locks the cats in the closet. And he admits that he may have been the one to search this since the one day he couldn’t get them out. You know, since Bacon has no hands nor opposable thumbs. So Bacon just “Beckoned ” the kitties with the smell of tasty, cured meat. And he ordered them to use their opposable thumbs, that they clearly have because they can type, and free their own stupid cat faces from the confines of the closet.
And then Bacon pointed and laughed at the gay cats. Because Bacon is an insensitive ass like that.
About the author
You already know how I feel about Bacon. The one thing I have yet to mention is that I think it would be amazing if the pockets of Bacon’s folder were conducive to carrying actual bacon around. You know, for when you’re hungry. For bacon.
Lastly, I think I have an additional answer for one of the people who stumbled upon your blog: You’re seeing the “orange glow outside your window” because of the “bump on your head that hurts”.
Jules
House of Jules
HouseofJules’s last blog post..Putting the Hump in Humpday: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Chewbacca sold separately
Wow. People are weird. Thanks for making sense of those crazy-ass search terms, Bacon!
rye’s last blog post..hopping with Jesus
Ahhh, a Bacon post to start the day….YAY!
Can he answer other people’s questions? Like a smoked version of Miss Cleo? Because I am struggling with the concept of “work” today. To go or not to go?
I think Bacon is poised to take over the gap in the adviseaverse left by Dr. Phil. What gap? They gap that will be created when Bacon locks Dr. Phil in the closet with the cats.
Dingo’s last blog post..Phone Company Grass
You had at “Anderson Cooper”!
the rest is just gravy or should I say bacon grease. lol.
=)
Ashmystir’s last blog post..I don’t wanna grow up…
Comments needs an edit feature cuz I can’t type!
I meant to say that – “You had ME at Anderson Cooper”
Stoopid comment tool!
=)
Ashmystir’s last blog post..I don’t wanna grow up…
I think I will now spend the rest of my workday googling random search terms to see what may lead me here…
I never thought of Bacon as a folder before. That puts a whole new dimension on it. And yeah, Anderson Cooper’s got the eyes alright.
Noelle’s last blog post..Someone’s getting mailed to Abu Dabi
Sausage Weiners Tossed Salad Anderson Cooper
You are so bad you’re good.
Ree’s last blog post..Is It Too Late…
i’m assuming bacon’s coming to blogher, yes? 😉
ali’s last blog post..18A 4RE and other such idiocy
I had a BLT for breakfast! I think it’s my favorite sandwich.
Scarlet’s last blog post..Hot Stuff
Bacon, bacon, you are so wise.
Are you sure bacon has no daddy issues? What about the pig that sure left him to his cured meat fate?
Laurel’s last blog post..New Things
I have small tears in my eyes from the Baconisms. You had me at “holy fucking shit balls”.
JRM’s last blog post..Left Foot
yah, holy fucking shit balls is pretty funny. they’re like dingleberries on steroids?
holyfuckingshitballs? I think one of your cab driver lovers gave you Tourettes. (OR and idea for another shirt!)
thecoconutdiaries’s last blog post..It’s Not Illegal If I Do It For The Blog
You and Bacon are hilarious, my friend. I particularly like how Bacon reacted to the “orange glow outside my window” and “what is a bump on your head that hurts”. Bacon is a genius.
Lara’s last blog post..Finding my religion
mmmm… baaaacon… i just had a bacon cheesesteak for lunch. DELICIOUS. thanks, bacon!
Alice’s last blog post..bad drivers & happy kitties
I loves me some bacon. Now get yer ass off to Target. You need it and you know it.
Okay, Bacon. This is the first I have heard of you as I only started reading your Kristabella’s blog 2 days ago. I was sucked in at the first read. Now, though..now, I am forever a fan. You are freakin hilarious and need to write a book. about bacon of course 🙂
Jenni’s last blog post..Father’s Day Weekend…with not many pics of the “father”. oops
I am seriously craving bacon.
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I can’t wait to hang out with Bacon in person.
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Bacon, oh how I love you.
Danielle-Lee’s last blog post..Well, isn’t that special???
Love the Bacon shirts, btw!
Jennie’s last blog post..Eleven Months Old!
I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying. OH how I missed Bacon and his witty snark.
Anderson Cooper – tossed salad, weiners. Oh lord. I’m done *LOL*
Lys’s last blog post..Archiving The Past…