They Call Me P-I-M-P
Posted By Kristabella on May 28, 2008
I first met Jess Riley back in November when I bursted out of my shell and actually went to a strange, loud bar and met a few strangers that I had only known from the internet.
Thankfully, I got to hang out with her since then, in a quieter atmosphere. And knew I loved her for life when she almost passed out from excitement and the internal squeeeeing after sitting next to Jen Lancaster at Eileen Cook’s book signing.
(Ohmygod, I like know all these authors now and isn’t that the coolest?)
Jess is a talented, funny, beautiful author who just had her first novel released! I love her and she’s from Wisconsin. And that is saying a lot since I generally hate all things Wisconsin. And since I’m willing to whore myself out for free books for myself (and for one lucky reader, of course), I’ve agreed to help pimp her new novel, Driving Sideways.
Here is the description of Driving Sideways from Amazon:
Leigh Fielding wants a life. Seriously. Having spent the past five years on dialysis, she has one simple wish: to make it to her thirtieth birthday. Now, thanks to the generosity of the late Larry Resnick and his transplanted kidney, it looks like her wish may come true.
With her newfound vitality (and Larry’s kidney) in tow, Leigh hits the road for an excursion that will carry her from Wisconsin to California, with a few stops in between: Mount Rushmore, the Badlands, the Rockies, Las Vegas–and a memorable visit to thank Larry’s family for the second chance.
Yet Leigh’s itinerary takes a sudden detour when she picks up a seventeen-year-old hitchhiker, Denise, a runaway with a bunch of stories and a couple of secrets. Add a long-lost mother, a loaded gun, an RV full of swingers, and Hall and Oates’s Greatest Hits to the mix, and Driving Sideways becomes a hilarious and original journey of friendship, hope, and discovery.
In addition, Jen Lancaster thought it was so phenomenal she wrote the cover quote for Jess. Which, is a big deal in the book world.
So in advance of all the accolades and fame and fortune which will be bestowed on Jess in the very near future from her debut novel, I asked her if she had any pressing questions that Bacon might be able to answer for her. You know, in case there were some things keeping her awake at night that could only be answered by “Hang Out With Hash Browns.”
She told me that yes! Yes, she had something she just HAD to ask Bacon. Because she too is a fan of Bacon. (Who isn’t really?)
Jess: Dear all-knowing and wise Bacon, I sent a copy of Driving Sideways (out now in bookstores or available for purchase online, go get your copy today!) to Cojo (aka Steven Cojocaru for those of you not in the know) because he has PKD and a kidney transplant. Will Cojo like my book?
Bacon: Well, Jess, who wouldn’t love your book Driving Sideways (available for an amazing price on Amazon.com and eligible for FREE Super Save Shipping! Buy yours today!)? Cojo will read you book and then he will “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” and BROADCAST to the world that your book is fabulous and that EVERYONE MUST READ IT!
Jess: Bacon, you are the best! Thank you! But Bacon, if that is the case, does this mean that I have to stop wearing my dirty flip-flops out in public?
Bacon: Well, yes. One, because when Cojo BROADCASTS to the WORLD how fabulous your book is, you’ll be able to buy all the $5 flip-flops your heart desires. And also your arms will be so tired from carrying around all the big bags of money! And two, Bacon says “Smoke” because you need to burn those nasty-ass, dirty flip flops and buy you a new pair, honey.
(And apparently Bacon just turned into Miss J from America’s Next Top Model. I knew watching eight straight hours of that this weekend would come back to haunt me.)
In honor of Jess and all her fabulousness, I am giving away one SIGNED COPY of Driving Sideways to a lucky reader!
To enter, leave a comment about your best (or worst) road trip story. Or say nice things about me and/or Jess. Flattery will get you everywhere! Winners will be chosen by Bacon in a random drawing next week after we get back from San Francisco. The contest will end Monday, June 2.
Good luck! And tell all of your friends to go out and buy Driving Sideways so that Jess can stop walking around Wisconsin in nasty, dirty flip-flops. (Note: Dirty flip-flops not featured on cover.)
About the author
Okay here’s mine:
About two years ago me and my family (my dad, mom, my sister, her 5 years old daughter, her 3 years old daughter, their babysitter plus our driver) took a road trip by car going from Jakarta to Yogyakarta.
I have to say the trip took ages and very long (it seemed) because that was the first time our family ever gone road trip by ourselves. FYI, the trip from Jakarta to Yogya took almost 24 hours! The amazing thing was none of us realized that we didn’t bring any maps until we reached east Java 😀
Okay here’s mine:
About two years ago me and my family (my dad, mom, my sister, her 5 years old daughter, her 3 years old daughter, their babysitter plus our driver) took a road trip by car going from Jakarta to Yogyakarta.
I have to say the trip took ages and very long (it seemed) because that was the first time our family ever gone road trip by ourselves. FYI, the trip from Jakarta to Yogya took almost 24 hours! The amazing thing was none of us realized that we didn’t bring any maps until we reached east Java 😀
From:Yaya
Jakarta, Indonesia
When we moved from CA to VA, we packed 5 people, 2 dogs and a lot of our life into one way too small suv. We only had 5 cds with us so now whenever ACE of Base or RHCP Californication plays, we all have wicked, vivid flashbacks….and neck cramps.
BTW- Looking forward to the book – me and my dirty flip flops (yes, that’s how I roll as well).
Kimberly/ MommaK’s last blog post..Feeling A Little Like A Cheap Whore But It’s Okay
My fave road trip was 35 years ago. Right out of high school, I stuck my thumb out on I-75 (in Michigan) and hitch-hiked to Mexico. I didn’t return home for a year. Oh the places you’ll go! What a fun and learning experience.
I saw this book being pimped on another’s blog and thought it a MUST READ.
Bacon, lovely Bacon, please pick me!
Nancy’s last blog post..One Day, 24 Hours
OMG, I *heart* Miss J from ANTM!!!
Okay, road trip – when I was about ten my mom was driving my younger brother and I to Florida. At the same time, a hurricane was making it’s way up the east coast. We were going to see my grandparents, and I think the storm was supposed to have stayed off-shore but had taken an unexpected turn inland. Anyways, our car was blowing all over the place, the rain was so hard we couldn’t even see the tail lights of the car in front of us and we ended up having to pull to the side of the road and wait out the storm. Not the most exciting story, but I’m telling you IT WAS SCARY.
And this book sounds awesome – I am putting it on my list!
rye’s last blog post..totally hypothetical
Best Road Trip EVER: The Great Ocean Road in Australia, in winter (the worst EVER time to do it). It rained and hailed was freezing and we had an awesome time!
Missy’s last blog post..Possessed and Possessioned
Picture a 19 hour drive from Houston to Arizona. Picture it in a Dodge Neon with two adults and a baby, a baby that SCREAMED for the first 3 hours straight and then continued to fuss anytime he was put back into his car seat. Picture then arriving at your destination to this gem ala my birth mother, “You look like shit! What did you do to your hair? I told all my co-workers how beautiful my daughter is and now what am I going to tell them?”
Good times.
Raven’s last blog post..my “problem” child
ha. hahahaha. road trip.
when i was 18 and a freshman in college, i decided to drive from north carolina to oklahoma…why? you ask, to go see a BOY.
i made the 17-hour trip driving straight-through in a honda crx that my parents had threatened to have declared stolen because they didn’t want me to go.
i taught my roommate how to drive stick-shift in the mountains of nc, brushed my teeth and spit out the car window at 85 miles per hour, and slept curled in a tiny ball because this car had no backseat.
in ok after i dropped off my roommate, i ran out of money on a toll highway, got lost at 2 am driving the wrong way out of ok city, and then ran out of gas before i found my way to the army base in ft. sill.
i spent one night with my boyfriend (during which the whole area was under tornado warning), then drove the 17 hours back to nc (stopping only for milk and cookies from a grocery store and for potty breaks) in time to take my mid-term exams.
i didn’t learn one thing. i turned around and made the same trip two months later.
this boyfriend ended up marrying one of my best friends from childhood.
i still count this as one of my favorite memories.
I am laughing incredibly hard at YOUR POST and THESE ANSWERS. Oh, mighty bacon, your deliciousness is only superseded by your amazing mystical powers.
JessRiley’s last blog post..A peek into the mind of today’s 19 year-old
My best roadtrip was with a friend to see a few bands play. It was so fun because we were carefree and laughed the entire way home. I should really write about that mini vacation someday.
And how exciting to be a published author!!
Kristie’s last blog post..Bring on the home improvement projects
Last time I went on a road trip, I had lunch in Wisconsin, and it was wonderful. From there, it was on to Minneapolis. Probably one of my most favorite trips ever.
Noelle’s last blog post..I feel like the most powerful woman in the world
Jess Riley for President!
Sorry. I don’t think I have any road trip stories. How is that possible?
When did I get so boring?
Keetha’s last blog post..You Know What Time It Is
My senior year of college I drove from Little Rock, Ark to South Padre Island, TX (20 hours), non-stop. The trip started at 1 am. Why did we leave at 1 am? Because I was on a geology field trip in the Ouchita Mountains and left as soon as we were dismissed. The return trip from South Padre to Mississippi took 24 hours, non-stop. The guy who road with me didn’t have any money. I ran out of cash. I knew I had credit on my credit card but didn’t know how much. I made it back but every stop at a gas station I held my breath waiting for my card to get approved. The next morning, after I got home, Citibank called me to make sure I was in possession of my card.
JRM’s last blog post..Things I Want to Say But Don’t, No. 2
Fave road trip…. of all time!? Probably one winter, before my parents divorced and we were driving home (Texas) from visiting family in Missouri. My little walkman was “decked” out with such tunes as Billy Ray Cyrus and New Kids on the Block’s Christmas album. We had adopted one of my aunts kittens and had it in the car with us. The poor van smelled of kitty litter. When we stopped for the night, somewhere in Oklahoma, the streets were so calm. There were street signs telling us to be quiet because people were sleeping. It was so different from anything I’d seen before. Oh, and did I mention the snow? Or that we had to change our wiper blades like three times on that trip because they froze to our window or something?
It wasn’t anything overly amazing, but it was one of the last memories I have of our family before it all turned to chaos. So, I hang on to it….
Prettiest road trip was the highway to Hana on Maui. Most memorable was driving from Maine to Florida with my parents when I was little. That was one LONG ass trip.
Allison’s last blog post..Tune In To My ESP’n
Dude… road trip story? I have TONS of road trip stories (many of which are best told with copious amounts of wine to get all of the necessary hand gestures exaggerated properly).
The most memorable? Transporting our entire lives from Las Vegas to Bum-nowhere, Georgia. I was 13, my sister was 4, and my parents were crazy. We had a caravan of the largest moving truck we could rent, a trailer, a 1990 Chevy Astro Van and a 1979 Chevy Cheyanne towing our boat. Yes, we were moving everything ourselves.
Throw in a lightning storm, a tornado, hydroplaning on the highway, being told that “that there hotel was where you were conceived” (ewww, mom!), and almost tipping a 40-foot moving truck over on the side of the highway and having to be pulled out by a back-hoe driven by a cranky construction worker.
INSANITY.
The Muse’s last blog post..Oh, the next trip…
Road trip. I’ve had many and I can’t think of anything that doesn’t really involve alcohol – like when Meowmix and I smuggled extra booze over the border from Toronto because I HAD to bring extra Captain Morgan Dark to the States on a dare.
Wait – I got one. This was during the dark times (when I was *blech* with the idiot aka azzhat I was gonna marry) and decided that my friend B., my ex A. (we were friends at the time sheesh) and I were bored in Western “Yawn” Massachusetts and I got the bright idea to go clubbing in PHILLY – 6 hours away, and the time of the bright idea: 5:00 at night. Now, the clubs close at 2 much like Mass. but the point was it was different and it was my favorite club in Philly (and I really wanted to get away from the idiot).
So the three of us hopped in the car and drove the 6 hour trip in 3.5 hours because we HAD to get to the liquor store first because that was important to have cocktails before we paid a fortune to have cocktails at the bar and they closed at 9:00. And we made it to the package store with minutes to spare through traffic and all.
The evening was so crazy and I heard I was beyond ripped (tequila will do that to you – and egyptian martinis – lots of them – and way too much Morgan) that the next morning, apparently when A. turned on the lights in the hotel, I screamed in pain going “THE LIGHT THE LIGHT” and dived under the covers. They will never let me forget it.
Even better – I had an impromptu meeting the next day with someone about doing some PR work for them and had to appear not HUNG OVER. Oh my lord. So I learned never mix the booze (and never tolerate your friends going “Are We There Yet” repeatedly like a broken Simpsons record).
Yeah – and it’s a wonder why I still drink sometimes *LOL*
Lys’s last blog post..Philly,This About Sums It Up…
Not exactly a road trip story, more of a “Oh, my god, how did I NOT end up murdered?” story.
I lived in Southern California but went to college in Northern Arizona (Flagstaff, what-what?!?). My mom was driving me nuts over winter break so I decided to go back to school early. I packed up my car and started the 7-hour drive back to school.
Somewhere in hour 3.5, my car just stopped. Here I am, all of 19, alone on a 2-lane highway. You have to remember that I am old, so this is LONG before everyone having a cell phone. So I sat on the side of the road not really sure what to. Surprisingly, I was passed by TWO CHPs before a man in a rickety old truck offered to tow me to the nearest rest stop.
And I got in his car. Alone. In the middle of nowhere.
I must have some good karma, because he gets me to the rest stop without murdering or raping me. I am exactly halfway between home and school and simply cannot afford the $350 tow in either direction. Two, fresh-out-of-bootcamp Marines offer to drive me the rest of the way to school.
And I accepted. And fell asleep on the way there. And had them drop me off at a dorm that wasn’t mine so (*wink*)they didn’t know where I lived.
(After yelling at me for 2 hours, my dad arranged to get my car towed to my school).
Jenn’s last blog post..I Love Me Some Piano Bar
Oh, hell…it would be the trip back from ASU where the Pontiac died in Flagstaff, AZ, and we barely made it home in time to fly to Rochester, NY, for your brother’s college graduation.
Since I don’t want to remember that trip, I just bought the book at Barnes & Noble. And am looking forward to reading it.
My best road trip was driving out to college my senior year with my mom. (A 2-1/2 day trip.) No drama or fireworks ensued… which was the surprising part of the story! My mom and I often butted heads when I was a teenager, and that trip is the first time I remember us really relating, as adults, no conflict. It’s a great memory!
Laurel’s last blog post..All By Myself
Both my trips driving cross-country proved to be great experiences. The first trip had no timeline, and thus afforded unexpected stops at Arches National Park, Cripple Creek, CO, Mt. Rushmore and Sharma’s Mom’s house. The second cross-country trip was completed in 3.5 days and included a bat-attack on the Civic, my sister and her then-boyfriend studying for the ethics portion of the bar (I was answering more questions correctly then they were) and waking up the morning of my birthday in the Peppermill hotel/casino in Wendover, NV.
I have a few words about my cross country camping trip with my siblings. Lightning storm, mudslide,earthquake,heatwave, sandstorm and finally floods.
It was super fun.
Sarah’s last blog post..The Music Man
Copycat.
Bwahahahahahahahahahaah!
At least I’m letting salami choose MY winner!
Bwahahahahahahahahahahha again!
xo
Manic Mommy’s last blog post..Road Trippin’ with Jess Riley
My worst road trip happened one summer when I had to be many places, but my car thermostat died. I had to drive with the heat ON. Don’t try this at home, kids.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Naked Housework
Amazon delivered my copy yesterday. 😉 I can’t wait to read it.
Ree’s last blog post..Dream Day
I’m not telling you any stories because I am just going to say that I WANT THIS BOOK SO BAD. Oh-my-god. If you don’t give it to me, I’m going to buy it so really, this is a win-win for the lovely, talented and can I say smoking hot writer? And her sexilicious blog friend Kristabella? MMhmm, enter me in the drawing!
the ex’s last blog post..Oh, God?
Heeeeey! I’m from Wisconsin…! Why do you generally hate all things Wisconsin? I’m curious? Is this book one a guy would like?
Coast Rat’s last blog post..CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND – YEP!
Hmm. Let’s see . . .
18 hour drive
alone with two children, ages 2 and 7
one of whom was carsick
no hotel available due to NASCAR race
drove all but 2.5 hours of the trip in one day
It was not a fun trip.
But YOU are fab! 🙂
noodle’s last blog post..Laughter is good
Not that anyone needs convincing, but this book is AWESOME and SO IS JESS!
Swishy’s last blog post..I’m just happy I’m not in jail
Dear Bacon,
For my worst road trip story ever, please read this:
http://nancypearlwannabe.com/blog/?p=170
I think you will agree that I deserve a book.
An RV full of swingers? I knew my RV park at Door was all the rage but I had no idea!
girlplease’s last blog post..The wonder of you…er…me
My dearest Bacon-
I must tell you that I spent 7 beautiful days in Mexico, and I was very proud of myself-although there was a big huge pan of your delicious Mexican brothers each morning at the buffet, I DID NOT EAT ANY BACON. (of course, it might have something to do with all the f-ing grease they put your bros in–blech!)
Anyway…
One of my worst road trips was also one of my best: 3 and a half years ago, my brother, my dad, and i drove from dallas to denver for my grandfather’s 80th birthday. The ride there: awesome. The ride back: awful. My dad was picking on my brother, and I ended up yelling at him for it, like I was the damn parent. Then, I got a speeding ticket and my dad started lecturing me from the backseat. Keep in mind, my dear bacon, that I am 30. !!!!
If that doesn’t do it, well….hell.
Danielle-Lee’s last blog post..Where Oh Where
Well, there was this time at band camp…
No really. I never went to band camp (no musical talent whatsoever). But there was this time we took off for a long weekend to visit the inlaws. After work. On a Friday. This is where we coined the phrase, “Would the last person out of Vancouver turn off the lights?”
What’s normally a 4 hour road trip took 6. Its was dark, raining, and snowing in the high mountain passes and this was freaking AUGUST.
Seriously, the traffic was horrible all the way up we never broke 100km/hr (average speed on normal days is 120-140km/hr) and were usually between 60 and 90 km/hr.
Nicole’s last blog post..Just when you thought it was safe
For some reason, I opted to drive from Portland to Minnesota with my ex-boyfriend. I slept almost the whole trip, and he yelled at me. We’re still friends, which is ODD.
Rhi’s last blog post..Um, Monday Bullets?