No Gnews Is Bad Gnews
Posted By Kristabella on May 12, 2008
The doctor’s office called today with the results from my appointment last week. I was waiting impatiently to hear back from her because I want to know NOW why I’m so tired and PLEASE TO MAKE IT GO AWAY? NOW?!?!! KTHXBAI.
Basically what they told me is what I feared the most – my levels on everything were all normal. Which means I’m just tired. So I should shut the fuck up, already, right?
No. Not right.
See, here’s the thing. So last week when we were going through all this, the doctor mentioned that this might be depression. And I told her I had battled depression a few years ago. I went on anti-depressants, did the therapy thing and got better.
So she did tell me that there is a good chance the depression monster has reared his head again and that is what is causing me to be so tired. So I might have to go back on the meds again.
The problem is, I don’t feel depressed. And you know what? I don’t want to go on meds again. I know that they might make me better, but I do not want to revert to anti-depressants every time I feel tired or some small thing happens.
The last time was different. I KNEW there was something wrong. I wasn’t sleeping, I was cranky and I was snapping at everyone in my life. I hated my job, I didn’t want to be around friends, I pretty much hated life and everything in it. I had reached a low point and I knew I needed to get help. I KNEW I needed to talk to someone because I couldn’t go on like this.
The breaking point was the last night of training camp in 2004, usually my favorite night because we would go out and party with the interns and have a fantabulous time. I not only DIDN’T want to go, I also made sure to drive myself so that after dinner, I could get the hell out of there. Which is what I did. I tried to hang, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be anywhere but right there with my friends and co-workers. So I went home. I was no fun to be around and I had no intention of ruining their fun night with my sadness and anger and crabbiness.
I cried the whole way home, all the while yelling at myself because WHY WAS I CRYING? I had NO REASON to be crying. And yet, I couldn’t shut off the tears.
The next day, I called a therapist and I worked on getting better.
And I did. The medication worked wonders. I felt better in a few weeks. I was getting back to my old self. And I was working through some issues with my therapist. I stayed on the medication for a little over a year and I’ve been fine since.
Now the doctor tells me that it could be that depression all over again. But the thing is, I don’t feel depressed. Am I cranky because I’m so tired, or because I’m depressed? Am I more emotional because of the exhaustion or the depression? Is my lack of motivation due to lack of energy or depression? It’s like a good vs. evil battle in my head.
Devil KJ: You are SO depressed! Look at you! You’re fat and single and have no prospects and as we sit here your ovaries are drying up!
Angel KJ: You are so right! I am depressed! Why wouldn’t I be? Who would want to be with me? I’m a fat spinster no one wants to marry. No wonder I’m tired.
Devil KJ: Yeah! All you want to do is lie around and be lazy and watch TV and sleep. DE-PRESSION!
Angel KJ: Oh my God, how have I missed it? I mean, I’ve always loved lying around doing nothing and being lazy, but this must mean depression! And totally explains the exhaustion!
Devil KJ: You have lost interest in things in your life, not because you are tired, but because you are depressed, woman!
Angel KJ: That is so symptoms of depression. Dr. Google and WebMD told me so. Wah wah wah.
Here’s the thing, though. Did you know that a symptom of thyroid problems is DEPRESSION? And that the extreme exhaustion that usually comes with thyroid issues will make you cranky and tired and lazy and uninterested in most things? Just like depression? (Can you tell what I did at work today?)
I’m not wishing thyroid problems on myself. Because that is more medication. And for the rest of my life, most likely. But I have been reading Y from Joy Unexpected who is battling this and says “don’t let them ignore the symptoms and tell you it is normal!” I am just thinking that it makes more sense to ME and the symptoms I’m feeling that it isn’t depression. Am I cranky and tired and have no energy? Yes. But you know why? Because I’m constantly exhausted. And that is what always happens to me when I don’t get enough sleep.
Maybe I’m just wishing it is something like that because I fear going back on the anti-depressants. Not because they don’t work, they do. They made me myself again the last time I took them. But I don’t really want to be on that medicine when I feel fine. When I don’t feel depressed. And I don’t want to be on that medication for the rest of my life. I just don’t. I know that sounds silly, especially if they make me better, but the idea of taking those from here on out, even off and on, makes me feel weak. Because I shouldn’t need a crutch. My synapses should just fire normally, dammit!
I want it to be something else because lately when I’m doing the things I most enjoy, hanging with the people I love the most, is when I feel the worst exhaustion – the deep down into your soul tiredness, the desire to sleep on a sidewalk fatigue. I want it to be something else if it means those happy things make it worse. Because those things should make everything better. I want to be able to enjoy things I love without having to be on medicine.
The doctor was out of the office today, so I’m hoping to talk to her tomorrow and see what is next. I’m sure she will put me back on medication. But if that doesn’t work, I’m going to make her retest my thyroid levels. And I’m going to make her find a solution to this problem. The RIGHT solution.
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I hope you find out what it is, even if its different from all of that.
Without naming other conditions, its also possible that you will hear a lot of “Its all in your mind”.
That I hope you dont hear.
LarryLilly’s last blog post..Its been a long time….
Good for you for trying to find out what’s going on with your tiredness. I would probably have ignored it forever and made everything worse.
I hope you’re feeling better soon, and that the Devil KJ does not win out over the Angel KJ.
Not that I’m promoting anything Tom Cruise-ish here, I’m all for anti-depressants…but if you don’t feel depressed, I’d try changing your diet and adding some exercise first. Eat Organic, healthy stuff and go for walks on a schedule. Do therapy. Limit Alcohol intake (which as I get older has more of a lasting energy sapping effect, I’ve noticed. I can tell at aerobics, on a morning when I drank the night before, that I’m not as energetic.) Limit pizza and junk foods. I don’t want to take your fun away, but you should give it a try first.
It’s so frustrating to know what’s know what’s not wrong with you but to have the medical profession think otherwise. As LarryLilly says, that’s never a good thing to hear and that alone would send me into a depression even if I didn’t start off depressed!
That being said, sometimes depression just sneaks up on you. If you want to avoid meds try exercise (you may think you are too tired to put one foot in front of the other but use that as a starting point, “Today, I will put one foot in front of the other.”). Look into Sam-E as well and check with holistic doctors in your area.
Sorry this is so long. I probably should have just send you an email. Hey, I’ll do that anyway! 🙂 I hope you are feeling better soon.
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Fight it out babe. Get the right diagnosis, even if it means going to another doctor or two. If it is depression, at least you know what to expect.
–hugs–
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I totally agree that changing your diet and exercise before going back on a med that you don’t think you need, makes sense.
If you don’t seriously feel depressed then taking a medication for a symptom you are lacking is counterproductive.
OBV trying to work out when you are exhausted is going to be ridiculously hard so change your diet first. That’s the easiest thing to do and doesn’t require “a pill for the rest of your life”. Once you change your diet, then work on getting more active.
You could also look into a sleep study. Are you even getting good sleep? Maybe you have sleep apnea and that is why you are so exhausted. If you aren’t sleeping well during the night, you’d really start to feel it after a while.
With the thyroid, you should/could notice a goiter (that is one of the symptoms) my sis has hypo and my MIL has hyper-both have the goiters (large growth in the neck) do you have one?
Raven’s last blog post..i’m not in jail
Hang in there girl! I am having the same sort of issues and understand the hope to actually have something wrong with me. I get tired of all of the “it’s all in your head” bullshit.
Unless of course the doc wants to give me an Rx that will allow me to take naps at work . . . then maybe I’d be okay with it. 😉
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You, as the one who lives in your body, knows the most about it. I hate to be a buzz kill, but alcohol is a serious depressant. Maybe the ganga would help. Do you think you would get the munchies for organic food? That would be awesome.
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My thyroid levels were initially normal too. They did a Thyroid antibody test (its more sensitive) and they were ALL F’d up. I would wait a little (very little) while to see if it gets worse and then go see an endocrinologist. That’s their specialty.
Although if it IS thyroid you WILL have to take medicine the rest of your life, so there’s that.
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I think you’re smart to trust your instincts on this. If your doctor has no solution for you other than depression, get a second opinion. And, if nothing else seems to work, you might want to do a session or two with a therapist–just to “rule it out” for the Devil KJ.
I hope you feel better soon. I spent the first three months of 2008 feeling sluggish and awful and, know what? It sucked.
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Ok, I was going to put in the exercise/diet thing too, but other people have said that already. All I’ll add is for me, its the exercise. Exercise releases endorphins in your brain which make you feel better.
Or you could have sex (with yourself or someone else :)). That works the same as exercise for the happy brain chemicals 🙂
I hope you find the right solution for you, and it is awesome that you are willing to fight for yourself.
-R-‘s last blog post..Pretend Q & A
I’m glad you want to avoid the depression meds. I was tired all the time and FINALLY diagnosed with HYPOthyroidism late last year. Now that the actual problem is being treated, I feel great.
Hope you *cough* find something mildly wrong with you so that it’s not considered to be just in your head. Know what I mean? I was glad that they found something ANYTHING so they can treat it. Not just mask the symptoms.
Ashmystir’s last blog post..Lies I tell you…lies!!
Don’t forget that doctors are also dudes, so always get a second opinion. Seriously, I didn’t trust the guy who told me he was awesome in bed. I got a second opinion! And meds? If you don’t want to take them, you won’t take them, so don’t waste the money. BTW- I’ve only been reading your blog for, like, 2 weeks and I already love you so the fat, single, spinster stuff must end.
I’m going to second what everyone else has said. You know your body! If the depression diagnosis doesn’t feel right then get a second or third opinion. If you have the resources it’s a good idea to talk to a therapist/counselor for a couple sessions just to see where it goes.
Also, my baby sis has a thyroid condition (because of diabetes) and she didn’t develop a goiter. Although they can be symptoms not everyone with a thyroid condition gets them.
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I’m glad that you are working toward finding what is making you tired. When I was in college, my mom noticed that I had an enlarged neck – I went to the dr. and he said that it was a goiter(that word is so eww!), but that my levels were borderline and if it got worse he would put me on meds. Luckily, I didn’t have to be on them, though my sister did. Now I also battle tiredness – though not as extreme as yours sounds – and I’m the heaviest I have ever been, so I’m going to take the advice of these nice commenters myself and try to start eating better and exercising more regularly. I hope you find out what might be the cause soon. I can’t have you falling asleep all over San Francisco!
You should trust yourself if you think you aren’t depressed. My hypothyroidism wasn’t diagnosed through a regular blood test, but a more sensitive test.
There are some “all in your head” conditions that doctors will only diagnose after being exhausted for 6 months with other symptoms (like Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) but if you look for doctors who KNOW about those conditions, they can peform the diagnostic tests without you having to put up such a fight.
I also spent a few months really tired (KNOWING I wasn’t depressed) and it took 6 doctors and 3 months to diagnose adrenal exhaustion and Fibromyalgia, both of which can’t be diagnosed through routine blood tests.
Good luck.
yeow – i FEEL your pain — everything from being tired all of the time to the dreaded antidepressant debate (zoloft, zanax, prosac… i’ve been on a few). i won’t go into all of the details because it’s all in the past, man — but it does sound like you’re seratonin levels could use a good ass kicking . however, I HATE HATE HATE how quick doctor’s like to prescribe shit. You know what worked for me? training then running in a few marathons. while that sounds pretty tiring in of itself — but having a long term fitness goal can work wonders for the body AND mind.
and if your really ambitious – try eliminating all gluten from your diet for a few weeks. then see how you feel.
oh, and stay on the thyroid – mine started out as a weee bit low, then ka-blam!!!
kir’s last blog post..Out of the cage
Y is awesome. And she is right – you listen to your body, and do what feels right for YOU.
I hope it gets figured out soon!
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Awww, honey, I’m so sorry that the test results didn’t give you anything solid to go on. I’ve so been there, too.
I spent 2004 extremely depressed – constantly fighting with my parents, my boyfriend, not wanting to go anywhere, etc. And I did the whole drug-therapy thing. And I got off of them as soon as my world opened back up and I could see the blue sky.
I totally get the feeling of not wanting to go back on the drugs – that’s a hard thing to accept. As someone who was faced with having to take steriods for the rest of my life vs. dealing with chronic pain, I chose the pain. The pain I could control. (And I proved my physical therapist wrong just by running a mile, let alone the half marathon!) The thought of taking a prescription every day for the rest of my life – one that made me gain weight, and my skin tingle, no less – was not something I was OK with.
Anywho, this is the long-winded version of saying that I understand, I empathize, and I’m here if you need an extra shoulder/ear/drinking buddy.
The Muse’s last blog post..Just adding to my excitement…
I’m going to suggest what my doctor suggested to me: Vitamin D drops. Apparently we’re all lacking sun light.
Rhi’s last blog post..I pretty much always get what I want, sort of
Well, on the plus side, at least you know it’s not something scary and serious (not that depression isn’t serious, obviusly, if that’s what it is, but you know what I mean)…
I am no expert (at anything), but I think my imclination would also be to resist meds for as long as you’re not actually feeling depressed, and would probably go with the diet/lifestyle changes other people have mentioned. And wine, of course. But that goes without saying…
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good for you for listening to your body…i try to listen to mine, but i don’t think we speak the same language…:)
{hugs}
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Dr.s are life savers and assholes. They want to get you out of the office. You are so doing the right thing by checking everything out.
Feel better soon.
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I second, third and fourth all of the great advice promulgated, and will add that the screwy weather hasn’t helped a bit. Beautiful, warm & sunny one day, then four days of cold rain.
A few things… Read as much as possible about the thyroid Thyroid issues is the for sure one of the fastest growing health issues out there and doctors as a whole are not nearly as informed as they should be with this issue.
Many doctors run the TSH test and that is not even measuring your thyroid production. That is measuring the hormone being sent to your thyroid. You must make sure your T3 and T4 levels (production and available also referred to as “free”) are good AND in line with your TSH. If your current doctor will not listen, go to another one and then another one.
Another tip I will offer is exercise and maintain a good diet.
Midwest Gent’s last blog post..All Over the Map
You know your body better than anyone. Having dealt with depression in the past, you should know whether what you’re going through now is similar or not. If it’s not, make sure you fight for the right diagnosis. Sometimes doctors need to be pushed!
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I read Joy Unexpected too- it’s nice to know other people have issues with their thyroids(I know it’s sick, but I’m just glad I’m not alone in this)
When I was 13 I was put on .1(the yellow) synthroid, and stayed on it until this doctor started doing blood work when I was 20 and said I didn’t need to be on it any longer. I got so sick, and every time I went to the doctor they would say I was depressed or had fibromyalgia.Basically I was sleeping all the time. Eventually the doctor agreed to give me synthroid again to see what would happen, and I got better. You need to make sure that your doctor is looking at all of your TSH levels. Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you to find another doctor just to make sure it isn’ t your thyroid.
I hope you feel better soon.
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Having also dealt with depression in the past, I’d tend to believe that you know what YOUR depression is like. It’s different for everyone but usually the same symptoms when it creeps back up. Please don’t go back on medication for it just because they say that’s what it is. YOU know your body far better than they ever will. Ask to be referred to a specialist – if you don’t need a referral for insurance reasons – simply ask them for a name of someone to go see. The simple battery of tests is usually not in depth enough to catch things. Please be your own best advocate and fight to be seen by someone who can search for better answers for you. Challenge everything – it’s YOUR health and it’s most important to YOU!!! (and us, your loyal readers, of course!)
Kristabella – I didn’t read the comments before so I don’t know if I’m repeating assvice for like the fifteenth time. If I am, just ignore me?
Okay. Here’s the thing about this – if you don’t FEEL depressed then you aren’t depressed. You could have chronic fatigue syndrome.
Or you could just be tired.
You could need more iron.
You could need thyroid medicine.
But don’t let them medicate you for something if you feel it isn’t right! You have to keep having things tested because OBVIOUSLY they’re trying to take the easy/10 min way out. Just stick with it and I’m sure you’ll get a solution.
Good luck!
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Good luck finding your answer. I agree with finding the *right* answer, not just assuming the easiest answer fits. Be persistent and good luck!
I’ve been there many times (therapy, meds and without). I know how it feels. While the doctor may be right about it coming back, I do believe it’s short term. Did they check all levels? All thyroid, etc? Maybe take a walk every day? I know, when you’re tired, you don’t want to go anywhere. But before the preggo state, I forced myself to get on our eliptical, even if it was a pathetic 10 min a day. I will say it did help a bit.
Wishing you all the luck in the world. Depression and/or non-stop tired really does suck balls.
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did you see your general GP or did you see an endocrinologist? Because I’d go see the latter, if you want a full thyroid workup.
I HATE that your normal! (Well, not really, but you know what I mean.)
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I understand this feeling. I would say that it could be depression. I felt this way a few years ago and slept all of the time as a way of my mind and body coping with the issues. Definitely get a full thyroid panel. It will figure itself out!
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