Help Me To Help You To Help Me

Posted By on May 13, 2008

I would first like to say THANK YOU to all of you, the internet’s best readers, for all your comments and emails on my last post. I have a huge fear of putting things out there like that because the assvice can start to run rampant sometimes. But I never felt that way because you all are awesome and were making suggestions to help me get better. You definitely meant well. Or disguised it well enough that I didn’t have to bitchslap you through Gmail.

Well, except for all you people who suggested more exercise. What the fuck is wrong with you? Have we met? Me and The Lazies? We are best friends. And that isn’t changing any time soon. Although people at work are making me walk during lunch so The Lazies and I might be on a little bit of a break right now.

I have had a lot of time to think about this. I thought about it after I hit publish. And then I thought about it all day at work after reading all the comments and emails. And I think I’ve gotten inside my head too much because now if I sneeze I’m pretty sure that it is the Ebola virus and that I am also BLEEDING ON THE INSIDE. EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH ME! NOTHING IS WORKING! GAH!

Here are a few things I have decided:

1) Maybe I am possibly depressed. And I think there is a small (LARGE) part of me that might be telling myself sometimes that I’m fine and that everyone goes through funks and gets a little down because I don’t want to go back on medication. When I went on it the first time, my awesome P-sychiatrist told me that if doctor’s called depression some fancy, schmancy disease name, like hypothrombulismitision, no one would bat an eye that you were taking medicine for it. But because it is depression, people think you are weak and can’t handle LIFE and you need medicine to do what every other normal person can do on their own.

The problem with that is that my brain wasn’t working right, and I needed the medication to fix that. Why can’t I get past the stigma and move on and just make myself better? It is no different than thyroid medicine or allergy medicine. Most of us have things we need to take to make us right.

2) When I had my last bout of hypothrombulismitision it got really, really bad before it got better. Am I waiting until it gets that bad again before I do something about it? Am I ignoring subtle signs because I just think of the BIG signs from last time?

3) Am I depressed or am I tired? It’s like the chicken before the egg debate. Am I depressed and it is causing me to be grumpy and tired and uninterested? Or because I’m tired and can’t get enough sleep am I cranky and irritable and uninterested?

4) I need a prescription for daily naps. STAT.

5) A very wise person (Hi Angel!) emailed me and reminded me that you know what? I have had some rough times in the last few years. It was just a year ago that I got fired for the blog, became unemployed AGAIN and had to look for a job AGAIN. That plus the current and ongoing uncertainty at work, that is a lot for my little brain to handle. So maybe the synapses just said “STOP FIRING! GO HIDE! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!”

6) I have way too much time on my hands to spend just thinking. And I do just that. And clearly, I need to stop doing that.

7) There are TOO MANY people out there that have thyroid problems that go undetected. I have heard from so many people that the standard one they do doesn’t usually catch issues. Then why aren’t doctors making the other tests mandatory? And why aren’t they paying more attention to the SYMPTOMS? I may not have a thyroid issue, or I may, but regardless, people it is your body. TRUST IT. Don’t let a doctor bully you into anything. We all deserve the best care. Make damn sure you get it. /soapbox

8) Do you know what is in the middle of the word synapse? NAP. I’m just saying.

So with all this thinking and overthinking and stressing and worrying and all that goes with a very-slow-at-the-moment job and idle time, I have decided a few things:

1) I’m going to find a therapist. I’m going to talk to a professional and see what they have to say. THEN I will decide if I go back on the medication or not. I feel better about a head doctor prescribing those, rather than a general practitioner. I just think sometimes in our society we are too quick to prescribe medication as a cure-all in every situation. (No, Tom Cruise did not just take over my blog.) And I want to make sure that if I’m going back on anti-depressants, I’m doing it for the right reasons and making me better and whole. Not just because some busy internist thought it was best.

2) I’m going to make myself believe there is nothing wrong with having to take anti-depressants for the rest of my life. There are hundreds of thousands of people who are in the same boat. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. I need to change the “tape” in my head as my old bitch of a therapist used to say. She was all fine and good until she threatened to sue me over HER billing mistake.

3) If I’m still feeling the same or worse, I’m going to make my doctor re-check my thyroid levels and I’m going to make her do all the tests. And if she won’t, I’ll find someone who will. Because I need to make sure that everything is working properly in this big ol’ body of mine. I plan to use it and abuse it for years and years to come.

4) I’m going to get the fuck over myself and bring back the funny.

5) I will not forget to ask What Would Bacon Do? And Bacon says “Boycott Tofu” because nothing will make you sleepier and crazier than that nasty bean curd tasteless shit. Meat is the answer.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


31 Responses to “Help Me To Help You To Help Me”

  1. Dingo says:

    Well, you may be depressed (or just really, really, really tired) but after reading this organized, reasonable, persuasive post I, for one, am convinced that at least you are not crazy. But I’d have to consult with Bacon to make sure, after all, he knows you best.

    Dingo’s last blog post..I’m Sm’all Ears

  2. LarryLilly says:

    You said…”maybe my brain isnt working right…”

    OK, lets dispel that notion, your brain isnt right. Period.

    Its not going to work right if its F’d to start with. LOL

    OK, OK

    Now onto the rest of this stuff.

    Yeah, some people get depressed, some have swings that stray into it, others stay in it, and that is what makes it hard at times. For those that stay in it, there is no reference point to say that the person is clearly depressed, and then there are those that pop into it and leave, they dont stay long enough to show that they are.

    (I am not a Dr Phil, and I DIDNT stay at a holiday Inn last night either.)

    Me? Well I am just nucking futz, so to me, its ALL normal, but then, my experiences may be all wrong.

    hang in there kiddo, it too shall pass.

    LarryLilly’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Ann

  3. rye says:

    I think your plan is a good one 🙂 Not that it really matters what I think anyways, but I’m just sayin’ – go you!
    I have dealt with thyroid issues for the past fifteen years, and those symptoms are no fun. I hope one of these doctors is able to get you feeling better soon!

    rye’s last blog post..The Girls Next Door *do* home repair

  4. Schwerer says:

    Practice what you preach? You encouraged me to do what is right to get through the crap I am going through not and I cannot thank you enough. So here it is, right back at ya. And if you need to bitch and cry over beer and wine, you can come and sleep over.

  5. Ashmystir says:

    Only you can make something as terrible as depression sound funny. Great attitude to have about the issue. Hope you get better and are able to incorporate more naps in your life. ha. ha.


    Ashmystir’s last blog post..Einstein digs my photos…sort of.

  6. Melissa says:

    (((hugs))) I’m all about better living through chemistry. I’d like a side of Zoloft with my meat, please!

    Melissa’s last blog post..Visiting the Pig Farm or My First Anatomy Lesson…

  7. Lauren says:

    The only thing you can do is take it one day at a time. Exercise may help, however, instead of the conventional exercise I say try the Wii. I’m sooo not even joking, you surprisingly get a great workout from it and it’s fun.

    Lauren’s last blog post..Little Things Matter

  8. JRM says:

    I too found this post funny (not in a depression is funny way, but your writing was funny way). I had a therapist in Chicago that I LOVED, if you need recs I’ll pass his info on to you.

  9. Ree says:

    Or you could always make a trip to Michigan to see me and come live at the funny farm for a weekend!

    Ree’s last blog post..Meeting Mr. Hot

  10. Kim says:

    Great plan! Good on you for making your doctor do tests. In the same breath my doctor mentioned ordering an ultrasound for a patient how had “self diagnosed” on the internet and demanded an ultrasound and then turned around and told me that we should wait a couple of months when I asked for a sleep study. WTF?

    After our nap lets kill all the stupid doctors, kaithx.

    Kim’s last blog post..The Great Outdoors

  11. Jenn says:

    Kristabella:1, The Lazies:0

    Jenn’s last blog post..Nerves

  12. I am waiting on the results of my thyroid tests as I type. The nurse said they should call today.

    I hope you get your naps. Sleep is very healing. So is a good shrink.

    Heh. Maybe you should find a cute shrink you can sleep with!

    Kimberly/ MommaK’s last blog post..In What Appears to be a Hair Pull by Jen Lancaster

  13. Lori says:

    I think your plan sounds like a good one!

  14. Celia says:

    Good plan. I 100% agree with the doctor that people resist treatment because of the stigma of depression. As someone who’s married to a depressed person I’ll extend the metaphor and add that this disease affects people around you. If you had TB or even the flu you would take medicine to help yourself AND the people around you.
    Also, love the use of “P-sychiatrist” Hellooo Nurse!

    Celia’s last blog post..Midwest Spring?

  15. Laurel says:

    I think your steps are all perfect and excellent. I swear, sometimes a therapist is helpful just to say, “Um, you’re not crazy” and reinforce that. There is nothing wrong with being on antidepressants! But I do think it’s legit to want to take going on ANY medication as a serious decision with a lot of thought put into it.

    Laurel’s last blog post..An “Old School” Kind of Weekend

  16. Sarah says:

    There’s nothing wrong with being depressed. I have periods like that too. I call it my melancholy.
    Also, there is no shame in taking medication to help yourself. If you had a cold you’d take cold medicine right? Same thing. Something to get the job done. Who cares what other people think if they don’t agree. If they do…well then they’re brilliant of course!

    Sarah’s last blog post..A Happy Place

  17. Candy says:

    Your previous therapist tried to sue you over her billing mistake??

    Christ, that’s depressing.

    Candy’s last blog post..More Effective than a Breathalizer

  18. Julie says:

    Hang in there, Babe. Sounds like you have a good, level-headed approach. It’s never easy, but remember we are here for you. You always do the same. Love ya!

  19. Danielle says:

    I read your post last night, but was not in any mood to type at all (nothing personal). I am glad you went to the doctor, and glad that you don’t have some deadly wierd virus. I totally agree with you on getting an opinion from a psychiatrist or psychologist.
    Please don’t feel so down about taking anti-depressants. My undergrad degree is in psychology, and I was:
    1-still shocked when I finally noticed the signs of depression in me.
    2-still in denial that I needed medication to get me out of this funk.
    3-still not sure what to do about telling others I was really depressed.
    It is a stigma that we all need to get over. Depression is a serious thing, not just some crap that someone says ‘Oh, I’m so depressed today’ because they were late for work, etc. Please don’t feel bad about needing medication, and please don’t wait until it gets really bad.
    Hope you feel better!

    Danielle’s last blog post..Frickety Frick

  20. Vanessa says:

    Not matter what you do, just take good care of you. And don’t settle for the wrong answer just because it’s easier.

  21. DeeDee says:

    I was totally going to recommend you go read Y at Joy Unexpected until I clicked in your link section and saw here there.

    You had me holding my side from laughing….not at you but at how you were describing thing…whew, didn’t want to piss off the sleep deprived. I hear they can get away with cuttin’ a bitch!

    In case you didn’t know, I found your blog through DadGoneMad. I’ve posted a complete list of everyone who left their blog link on his Big Big Stars post a while back in a post of my own in April called Blog Rolling With My Homies over on my blog, so if you want to see it come on over and sit a spell. I don’t bite..…that hard anyway!

    If you did know just overlook this and pretend I said something funny since my brain feels like mush from trying to comment on all 217 on the list because somebody had the bright idea to challenge me to it!!

    DeeDee’s last blog post..Just Wednesday

  22. Coast Rat says:

    I think that if people were honest, most in the U.S. would admit to suffering from depression from time to time, some more than others. I believe it is extremely widespread, so when you talk about it, most people who read your posts, understand and empathize with you, Sister Kristabella. I do! I wish you wellness on your journey to better days!

    Coast Rat’s last blog post..DINOSAUR LOVERS

  23. kir says:

    regardless of the route you choose, if you believe it’ll work — than it shall work. but i’ll extend the invite to go urban hiking with me (anyway) next time you’re in the bay area… ah, exercise!!!

    kir’s last blog post..I heart Uncle Jesse

  24. slynnro says:

    Good for you for being so proactive. I am VERY skeptical of doctors because of my recent medical problems- GI issues that they put me on antidepressants for. Uh, they didn’t work. Because I’m not depressed. YOu may actually be depressed, but it is a great idea to explore other treatment options. Taking control of your health is a wonderful thing.

    slynnro’s last blog post..My bathroom, or as I like to call it, the Black Hole Of Disposable Income.

  25. Noelle says:

    I went through the exact same thing a few years ago. My tests came back negative, and my doctor’s response was that “some people just need 8 hours of sleep each night.” And damn if that isn’t true. It’s the only thing that makes me not tired. Eating protein, exercise, managing depression all help a little, but in order to feel chipper, I just need to spend a third of my life asleep.

    Noelle’s last blog post..No cable cars, no Rice-A-Roni, just lots of family time

  26. tutugirl1345 says:

    I think you have a very level headed plan. If you’re worried about your thyroid, you might also consider looking at the national Endocrinology website, and seeing if there is a well regarded doctor in your area. That way you know you’re getting the most knowledgeable person to determine if something is going on.

    Your decision to go to a therapist sounds solid as well. Make sure you ask them what their approach to depression and other things are before you commit. Some doctors are quick to write a prescription, while others first try lifestyle changes (increasing the amount of exercise, etc). If you find someone in the latter category, and then they prescribe you antidepressants, you at least know that you need them, and aren’t going on them as a one-size-fits-all bandaid solution. Good luck, I hope you feel better quickly!

    tutugirl1345’s last blog post..Life May Be Complete Now

  27. moo says:

    Find a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist. They are better with the PEOPLE aspect of therapy.

    Listen to your body. If you need to sleep, then SLEEP. Don’t stay up, waiting for American Idol to come on.

    Find things in life you enjoy and DO THEM. (read, walk, sit at the lake, whatever). You’ll feel better indulging yourself.

    moo’s last blog post..stupid things people say

  28. Cathy says:

    I agree with bacon.
    Meet is the answer.

    Cathy’s last blog post..In His Own Time…

  29. Lys says:

    I don’t read my blogs for a week and what the heck??? Oh. my. lordy Kristabella. You are right – you have been through hell and back and there is NOTHING – stress NOTHING wrong with needing some medication to help it all be on an even keel. Just take care of yourself and definitely – tell Tofu to jump into someone else’s grocery basket!!!

    Lys’s last blog post..Still Recovering…

  30. Amber says:

    Sounds like a good plan to me, and I totally agree with the “seeing a therapist before going onto the meds” idea. I sometimes think GPs are way too quick to prescribe anti-depressants, without checking for other things, like the thyroid thing.

    Anyway, hope the fact that you have a concrete plan is making you feel a bit better 🙂

    Amber’s last blog post..Skribit! The answers to the easy questions….

  31. Sheenah says:

    I went through the same thing and I may have a different idea as to what it is. I too struggled with depression for what seems like forever but I am fine now (and still on the meds.) But I’m tired all. the. time. When this happened the first time, I went to a therapist since I was afraid the depression was back and I wanted to fix it before it took over my life. I wasn’t going to my classes, grades were slipping, and I slept probably 15 hours a day. Turns out I have sleep apnea. I just had no idea because despite waking up every 4 seconds I never woke up long enough to be conscious.

    So, that is something else you can check for. Sometimes you have to make the doctors check for things that they normally wouldn’t think of. I hope this helps!

    Sheenah’s last blog post..Holy Shit