Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on February 1, 2009

So Saturday was my first day of looking at condos. I had originally planned to go with my realtor on Thursday evening, but it didn’t work out with the agents showing the units. Because apparently some sellers are not that anxious about showing their places to WILLING buyers. Because apparently some agents are too lazy to drive in from the suburbs. Good luck with that commission, seller person.

I had a full afternoon with my realtor and saw six different places. It was a very productive day and I saw some very cool places. I also saw the difference a few blocks can make in the size of a bedroom. I saw that there are some weird people out there and also people who clean less than I do. Which I didn’t think was possible.

I love my realtor. I loved her before I met her, but after spending like four hours with her, I would recommend her to anyone. She’s a great person to have on your side and totally understands how stupid first-time buyers are. And she has your best interests at heart. I honestly know that. So if anyone out there in Chicago is looking for an awesome realtor, let me know and I will happily refer you to her. As long as I like you. And you haven’t left me some assvicey comment (or two) about me venturing into home buying and it being a ridiculous mistake.

The first place we went to was a short sale. It was in a great location and I really liked the building. The unit itself, well, I did like it. I think. Well, I liked the photos online and in the brochure. I didn’t see the second bedroom because the client’s roommate was still sleeping. It was 1:30 PM. Also, in the future whenever I think I’m a slob and never clean my house, I shall be reminded of this place. Two guys live there and it looked worse than a frat house. The bathroom was disgusting and there were empty rum and Coke bottles littered on the beautiful granite countertops.

Now, I’m no expert by any means on real estate. But, if you’re doing a short sale, pre-foreclosure, don’t you want to sell the unit? Wouldn’t you rather impress a potential, eager buyer? To avoid foreclosing on your house and creating a mess of trouble for your credit in the future? Call me crazy, but that would be motivation enough for even me to clean the bathroom sink and recycle a few booze bottles. And maybe get up before noon.

The third place I saw I really liked. It was a re-sale, but it was a good size with a big deck and good-sized bedrooms. It also had an exposed brick wall in the living room. The person who lived there clearly knew how to sell a place and had cleaned better than the other unit. It wasn’t spotless, but not gag-worthy like the other one. And why I love my realtor is that she pointed out some water damage by the windows. She’s all about making sure I know everything before I hand over a shit-ton of money.

The next place we went had two units available in the same building. It was in a good location, not too far from where I am now. The first unit in this building that we saw was decorated nice and it was clean and there was even a cute puppy. (Sadly, he didn’t come with the place.) The problem is that the second bedroom was 7 feet by 8 feet. Which can’t fit more than a desk, especially since the room has French doors that open into the tiny bedroom. I don’t think any future house guests would like to sleep in a desk drawer.

The other unit in that same building was just odd. First off, the woman who lived there apparently was still “living” there. But there was only a futon in the living room, a stereo on the floor, a side table with Hello Kitty stickers on it and some paintings in the office/teeny bedroom. There was nothing in the main bedroom. The paintings, that were hers, were um, risque? There were a lot of titties. And unwaxed va-jay-jays. And oh my nipples!

But that wasn’t even the oddest thing. The seller’s agent, a very nice guy who was very mellow, decided to tell us about this studio of this artist guy he knows who makes “dolls.” And they are all very lifelike because the guy that makes them uses all organic things like cat hair and goat’s teeth and pieces of bird skulls. Or something. And then he told us how he went there and was going to make a doll for his mom even those these “dolls” aren’t really dolls that his mom would like and then I stopped listening and brain matter oozed out my ears and might have left a stain on the hardwood. I apologize in advance to the person who ends up buying that place because I’m not sure how to get GREY MATTER stains out of wood.

The final place I looked at, I fell in love with. (I’ve posted some photos here. The photos are of the place I love and also the leaky window place.) It is a new unit, never been lived in. Brand new appliances and awesome all-around. It has a large master bedroom and a good sized second bedroom. It has a nice patio and built-in shoe racks in the closets. And did I mention the best part? No, not the washer and dryer. No, not the CENTRAL AIR AND HEAT THAT I CAN CONTROL. No, it isn’t the elevator. But, alas, not any of those things, which are all AWESOME things. It is the designated parking spot. While it isn’t covered, it is in a lot behind the building. Which means I don’t have to worry about finding parking and getting RAPED or KILLED or STABBED walking from my car to my house.

I think I’m ready to make an offer. I’m second guessing EVERYTHING, which is so not me. But this is also a ginormous purchase. I have never made a decision this big in my entire life. I also have to take into account that my lease doesn’t officially end until the end of May. And I need to some other lender-y things. Plus, I want to take my brother and/or my mom to look at it to make sure that the agent didn’t somehow drug my realtor and I into thinking this place is really as awesome as it is. Because even my realtor (her of pointing out leaky windows) said she couldn’t find anything wrong with this place.

So, um, I think I’m buying a condo.

Category: House Hunting | 47 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 27, 2009

So remember when I said that I was planning on buying a condo this year in the near future? Yeah, about that.

After I mentioned it on here, my friend Jessica, who is a lurker (Hi Jess!), sent me her realtor’s info so I could get started on the whole process. My lease isn’t up until the end of May, so I have some time to make sure I find exactly what I want. I figured that I would ease into the whole thing so that I could fully wrap my mind around the whole fact that I am becoming a GROWN UP.

Boy, was I wrong!

I called my realtor on Friday. And in a matter of minutes, I had listings in my inbox and an appointment to meet with her on Tuesday to start looking at properties. Talk about jumping right in!

The only thing I had to do was get pre-approved so that I wasn’t wasting my time and my realtor’s time looking at properties that I couldn’t afford. I did some calculations and I had an idea of what number I would get approved for. I know what I can afford per month and I factored it all in, including taxes and assessments, etc. and it was plenty to buy a nice place in the city.

Clearly math was never my best subject. (I did get a 5 on the AP Calculus test in high school, though.) I was pre-approved for WAY less that I was thinking. Like so much less I wasn’t convinced that I would be able to afford ANYTHING besides a cardboard box on the river. Which was fine as long as it had a washer and dryer in unit.

So then I proceeded to freak the fuck out. Because I’m hating my apartment these days. I’m hating how old it is and falling apart and that I have to go OUTSIDE in the WINTER to do laundry. I moved pretty much once a year when I lived in California, so being in my current place for 3 1/2 years is just too long. Especially when I can’t control the heat in the winter! Plus, I got really excited about the idea of my own place.

I have a wee bit of a tendency to overreact at times. When something bad like that happens, it ain’t glass half empty, it’s glass empty and stomped on and SHATTERED INTO A MILLION PIECES. I work very hard at trying to be a positive person and always looking for that silver lining. But sometimes, it is hard to do.

But I always get there. Once I lose my shit, I calm down and fill the glass right back up. Usually with some sort of alcoholic beverage. And I think positively because I know everything happens for a reason.

So I emailed my rock star realtor and told her the situation. I apologized profusely for thinking that I’m richer in my head than on paper. And was glad that this all happened before we went to look at any places. I hate wasting people’s time and wasting my own.

She emailed me new listings in my price range. And I even liked quite a few of them. So we’re tentatively scheduled to go out looking on Thursday, depending on the appointments she can get set.

The more I think about it, I’m happy for the lenders being strict and not forcing me beyond my means. My new limit is totally doable. And it means that I will have extra money in my pocket each month and won’t have to eat Ramen and drink Natural Light. It means that I may not live in the ideal neighborhood, but that means I won’t be paying out the nose in taxes. It means that I’ll actually have money to decorate and make this new place my own.

And that, my friends, is a hell of a silver lining. A silver lining WITH a washer and dryer.

Category: House Hunting | 41 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 25, 2009

I spent most of this weekend over at my brother’s house. My brother wanted to take my sister-in-law out for her birthday and needed someone to watch the two yahoos, also known as my niece and nephew. We had fun together and they got in some good Auntie time and we ate a lot of cookies. Which is typical for anytime I babysit.

I watched them on Saturday afternoon while their mom and dad went to lunch and a movie. That way my brother and SIL could still visit with me in the evening. Because I am just that awesome and people clamor to hang out with me. Also, it may have been below zero that night and Kim didn’t really want to go out in the cold.

So while they were out, we played in their indoor bouncy thing and did experiments with static electricity.

And we played some Princess Hopscotch.

I stayed overnight since I live like 60 miles away and also because I sleep better in the room they have in the basement than I do anywhere. It is so dark and cool down there, it is ideal sleeping conditions. The only problem is that the room is under the kitchen. So you can’t sleep past 8 AM really, since you’ll hear the pitter patter, or stomping, of little feet in the morning once the monsters wake up.

To prove how well I sleep, I had a dream Saturday night that somehow woke me up. I don’t remember if it was a nightmare or what it was about. All I know is that I rolled over and opened my eyes and had no fucking clue where I was. And because it is the basement and so dark, opening my eyes was no different than having my eyes closed. I started to panic a little because at that moment, I had absolutely no clue where I was. I knew I wasn’t at my house and that was scary. On top of it, I reached to the side and felt the slats of the daybed next to me. And my only thought was “am I in a crib??”

Thankfully I finally remembered and then fell back soundly asleep.

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When I finally woke up, Noah, Skyler and my brother were watching Scooby Doo. It was some episode with Fred’s dad and some pirates. Near the end of the episode, my brother asked out loud why Shaggy was wearing a belt over his shirt. Skyler (age 3) and I (age 31) answered at the EXACT same time and said the exact same thing “because he’s a pirate, duh.”

I’m sure you had to be there, but it was hilarious. I’m not sure if that makes her a genius because she thinks like a 31 year old, or if I should really worry about the brain cells I’ve killed with alcohol. Clearly, though, we share a brain.

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The other reason I stayed overnight was because Noah was having his Pinewood Derby race with his Cub Scout Pack. And I wanted to see him race his car. He and his dad worked really hard on it. My brother is an engineer, and he let Noah do a lot of the work, but he was panicked that Noah would come in last.

He didn’t though! He actually won his little den of 11 boys! I played the part of the proud Auntie and took about 100 photos.

And he got a trophy! Then he competed with nine other boys, ranging from six to 10, in the Leader of the Pack race. He finished seventh and then got really upset about it and cried. Which is probably what I would have done too. I mean, the lure of a plastic trophy the size of your sister is very enticing.

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Finally, I signed up to be on a pub trivia team. I’m competing for the first time on Monday night. I’m really looking forward to it because how can you beat booze, celebrity trivia and booze all in one place?

I’m hoping to have many stories to share. Like the last time I played pub trivia and drunkenly harassed a table full of four of Chicago’s finest.

So did you all have a nice weekend?

Category: All in the Family | 22 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 21, 2009

To the people of the world:

This is a public service announcement. I need you to spread the word and educate your children and your friends and family. There is a new drug that is running rampant out on the streets and in our homes. It is taking over the lives of people who come in contact with it. It is ruining careers, shattering marriages and breaking up relationships. It is the new crack.

I’m of course talking about Sugar-Free Kool-Aid.

I’m Kristin. And I a Kool-Aid-aholic. I speak to you on this very serious problem that exists in our society as someone who is addicted to Sugar-Free Kool-Aid. I am currently trying to stop using, but I find it too hard. I am trying to take it one day at a time.

I have never been addicted to anything before. Bad reality television, possibly, but I could stop watching it any time. But this. This addiction? I can’t quit it. I find myself craving cherry Kool-Aid at all hours. I can’t drink one glass. I have sympathy for the crack whores now!

As soon as that cherry goodness touches my lips, I keep drinking. Once I finish a glass, I fill up another and another, until the pitcher is gone. Once the pitcher is gone, I make more. Until I find myself in the grocery store at 3 AM wearing nothing but sweatpants, a bra and paper shoes, scratching at my skin, scratching an itch that doesn’t exist, until I buy out all the containers of cherry Kool-Aid. All of them! THEY ARE MINE!

While it is helping my diet, in its low-calorie addictiveness, it is not helping my sanity. Or my teeth, which are a permanent shade of BLOOD RED. This is what the inside of Edward’s mouth must look like after a kill.

So I warn you, ALL OF YOU, take heed, STAY AWAY FROM THE KOOL-AID. Stop this before it takes over the country and we become a nation of red-tongued heathens. Please, do it for the CHILDREN!

I appreciate your efforts.

Signed,

Kristin

President of People Against Cherry Kool-Aid (PACKA) 

I’m not only the President, I’m also a client.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy | 27 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 20, 2009

That’s a photo of me, my brother and my SIL Kim taken in the summer of 2007 at the festivities for my 30th birthday.

Today is my SIL’s birthday. How exciting to have your birthday on such a momentous day in American history. She’ll be able to tell her grandkids that she had a birthday on the day that we swore in the first African-American President. Because by the time she tells her grandkids that story, he will have been the first, but not the last.

My brother and Kim recently celebrated their 10-year wedding anniversary back in October. They are the parents to the two cutest kids in the world, my nephew Noah and my niece Skyler.

My brother and I have been close for most of our adult lives. We fought like cats and dogs when we were younger. To the point where I would have murdered him if he hadn’t been bigger and stronger than me. He teased me and picked on me and probably is the reason I have such a thick skin. Once we both got into high school, it just seemed kind of silly to act like children, and we started to get along.

We were really close when he was in college. I would talk with him once a week and we would email all the time. I would drive out to Rochester, NY to visit him in the summer. We were, and still are, very tight. I hope that Noah and Skyler have this kind of relationship when then grow up.

But then my brother met Kim. I was at college and my brother was wrapping up his senior year. He had met this wonderful person on spring break in Cancun in a bar at 10 AM. Talk about fate. She lived in Michigan and he was going to school in Rochester and then moving back to Chicago. But he was in love and he made it work. They made it work. And all these years later, they are still going strong. I hope to have one half of the relationship that they have some day.

It’s no secret I didn’t like Kim at first. It was purely selfish. She took my brother away from me. He was one of the few constant male figures in my life at that time, and he now had different demands on his time. It wasn’t just our family, it was Kim and her family as well. It was a very hard adjustment for me. I really thought that I was losing my brother for good.

I stood up in their wedding. It was a little awkward for me because I didn’t know Kim or any of her other bridesmaids very well. I lived in Arizona. I wasn’t around enough to get to know Kim at all. After I graduated college, I moved out to California and started working for the 49ers. That pretty much meant I wouldn’t be home for any of the major holidays. So any chance to get to know Kim better, in person, was few and far between.

And then I lost my job with the Niners. And I decided to move home to Chicago and asked my brother and his family to take pity on me and let me live there. And they did. And I knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

I moved in as a single person, used to living alone, to moving in with my brother, my sister-in-law that I barely knew and my three-year old nephew, who I had seen just a handful of times in his life because I lived so far away. To say it was a bit of an adjustment for everyone involved is a bit of an understatement.

But we made it work. I was the first one they told that they were pregnant with Skyler. I worked my ass off trying to find a job, but also spent a lot of quality time with Noah. The one good thing about living with a three-year old and being unemployed is that you can’t sit around and do nothing all day. He won’t let you.

The best part of living there was the friendship and bond I made with Kim. We came into the situation as almost strangers. And we came out of it sisters. We had so many laughs and tears and deep conversations about life and family and shared experiences. We opened up to each other. We shared a lot of ourselves with each other. We ate a lot of Taco Bell and cookie dough ice cream together.

I would not trade those five months of my life for anything. The relationship I now have with Kim, not just as the woman who married my brother, but as a sister, is something I hold near and dear and I will always be thankful that I have her in my life as someone to vent with, to laugh with, to cry with, to be myself with. I am lucky to have her in my life.

Kim, I wish you the very happiest of birthdays! Love You Like A Sister!

(Also, I hope this takes the place of an actual present.)

P.S. It is also Angella’s birthday and my friend Sharma’s birthday as well. But I only have enough sap for one of these posts today! Happy birthday to you ladies as well! LYLAS!

Category: All in the Family | 21 Comments »
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