Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on February 22, 2009

Am I the only one who goes through their spam comments? I usually do it every time I log in. They get automatically deleted after a period of time, but every now and then some actual non-spam comments get put into my spam folder. So I usually go through just to make sure I didn’t miss any real comments.

WordPress has a pretty good spam filter. It catches most everything. Very few things slip through. The comments that do, are very hard to tell whether they are spam or not. Like maybe Jason from some sort of blog review site really does read my posts and enjoys my site. I mean, he did comment “congratulations!” on the post when I mentioned I’m buying a house.

But then Jason commented “congratulations!” on the post where I was pissed at my insurance company. With a link to a different website. And then all of a sudden Jason was INSINCERE in his well wishes for me and my new condo!

Who are these spammers? Why do they think that putting 300 links to your cheap online drug sites is going to get through a spam filter? I mean a comment with 300 different links to drug sites isn’t just throwing up a red flag. It’s like lighting that flag on fire and throwing it into a building full of gun powder.

Then there are the people who tell me what “impressive site” I have. And that they’ve been looking so long for a site like fullofsnark.com. And where did I get a domain name like that? And that they’ve been looking for months for a site that talks about exactly what I’ve been talking about. Really? You’re been searching the internet for a crazy cat lady spinster who talks about acid reflux? Really? You’ve been searching for someone who goes on an on about a folder named Bacon who predicts the future? Really? Well, that is AWESOME! And I’m happy that you have found me.

Or there are the comments that are a page worth of ??????????????? with links to something. I’ve never clicked through because if you don’t know what it is, what do I care?

The ones that get me are the ones that seem like real comments. They seem like the commenter has taken the time to read your post and showcase their reading comprehension skills by leaving a semi-intelligent comment. That is until I realize their name isn’t Chris or Stephanie, it is Chovhfrioenvjdfkl. Which really? Not even close to real. If you’re going to go to the lengths of leaving a not-outwardly spammish comment, couldn’t you save some time and call yourself Joe? Or Sue? Less keystrokes, spambot.

Many times, the spam comments will, make me laugh. Like this one, that was from Water Barrels:

Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.JackHandeyJack Handey.

The best is I don’t even know what they were shilling. It wasn’t Viagra. Or Alli. Or some other drug. It wasn’t some sort or dirty, kinky girls website. But with that kind of unexpected, funny comment, I’d almost me tempted to click through. Or approve your comment.

Is this spam commenting a good paying job? Because I’m sure I could be good at it. I could make people out there think twice whether I’m a spammer or just a really weird commenter. Which is pretty much what most people think when I comment on their blogs anyway.

Category: All Things Blogging, Land of Random | 20 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on February 19, 2009

And they aren’t about acid reflux! Woo hoo!

So this past weekend, I babysat my niece and nephew on Valentine’s Day so my brother and SIL could go out and have a romantic evening. They saw a scary movie and went to Panera for dinner. And Kim came home and made us chocolate fondue. It was the best Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had, for sure!

When I stay over there, I sleep in the bedroom in the basement. It was my room when I lived there four years ago. They still refer to it as Auntie’s Room. Every time I sleep in that room, I have the best night of sleep of my life. It is so dark and cool in that room. It is so conducive to sleeping. If it weren’t for the monsters running around above my sleepy head at 7 AM, I would literally sleep in that bed for 17 hours.

I’ve not been sleeping well lately. I figured it was stress and just normal sleeping habits. I’m usually up a few times during the night. I roll over, look at the clock and usually fall right back asleep. It’s not bad, but I should be able to sleep through most of the night, right? It never occurred to me that it could be an issue as to why I’m so fucking sleepy most days. Until I mentioned it to Darcey and she was all “what’s the temperature like in your room?”

And then I’m like “it is a fucking mess! I hate radiators! It’s either cold or sweaty hot! I’m constantly throwing off the blankets and then putting them back on!”

It wasn’t until this past weekend, sleeping so well in that cold, dark basement room, that I figured Darcey might be on to something. Maybe it is just too hot in my room. Maybe that was preventing me from getting a good night’s sleep. So I came home from my brother’s and turned off the radiator in my room. And since I did that Sunday night, I’ve slept like a baby. Now I just need to work on it being pitch black in my room. Maybe I need to get a sleep mask. I can tell you for sure, when I move to my condo and have to buy window treatments, I’m so thinking about a blackout shade for my bedroom. It will be my Lair of Looooove.

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So did you know I have another election to vote in in two weeks? It’s the special election to replace my boyfriend Rahm Emanuel’s seat in the House.

Right now, there are like 15 candidates. The primary is in March and right now, I’m leaning towards voting for the guy who follows me on Twitter. Is that wrong? I mean, I’m kind of impressed that a possible elected official is on Twitter and using it for good. And not talking about the lint he found in his belly button or something.

Maybe I’ll ask Fake Rahm Emanuel who he endorses. Because honestly, most days I’m not entirely convinced that Fake Rahm Emanuel isn’t really my boyfriend Real Rahm Emanuel.

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So speaking of my new condo, I am SO READY to move. My closing date cannot come fast enough. I am so fed up with my stupid apartment. This goes beyond the crappy radiators that ruin my sleep.

I came home tonight to a note that said “oh, by the way, your power is probably going to be off from 9-4 tomorrow. Sorry!”

At first I didn’t care and was so happy I don’t work from home. And then I was like “Now I have to come home and RE-SET ALL MY CLOCKS! WAH!” And then “This better not fuck up my DVR!” And finally “if my food spoils I will go postal on the fucking leasing company!”

So what did I do? I went passive aggressive on their ass and left them a nasty voicemail. And told them that I will be seeking reimbursement when I lose ALL MY GROUND TURKEY AND BOCA BURGERS!

And then I hung up. Because I’m as mature as a 25 year old.

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I met Heather from The Spohrs Are Multiplying at BlogHer last year. (Or Blog Camp as she likes to call it.) And if you go to BlogHer for no other reason, it is to meet people like Heather (and others), who you probably would have never crossed paths with on the internet. Because holy hell there are a lot of bloggers out there! It was the last day of the conference as everyone was leaving for the airport. I tagged along with Ali, which was a running theme of the weekend because Ali knows everyone and is kind of uber-famous and I’m not sure why she talks to me. So I went with Ali and the Spohrs, Heather and Mike, to grab some coffee. I only met them for such a short time, but I’m glad I did. They are such great people.

So my friend Heather is currently raising money to participate in the March of Dimes March for Babies event. Heather has the CUTEST daughter ever, Maddie, who was born premature and got a lot of help early on from the March of Dimes. And once you take one glance at Maddie, you will fall madly in love with her infectious smile and the biggest blue eyes you have ever seen. And you will want to help this great cause.

Heather is asking for donations. And while I know it is a very tough time economically right now, I’m asking on Heather’s behalf because I think this is money well spent. March of Dimes is an excellent cause. And to top it all off, Heather is giving away PRIZES to people who contribute. And they are good prizes from Kodak. You get one raffle ticket for each dollar you donate. To find out more, including how to donate and the fabulous prizes, go here.

So go, donate. And win fabulous prizes! It’s like the Price is Right with a good karma bonus prize!

Category: Charity, Land of Random | 21 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on February 18, 2009

 It’s that time again, time for another Blog Share!

For those of you who don’t know, this is the brain child of -R- from And You Know What Else. It’s basically a day where people all over the internet get a chance to post anonymously on someone else’s site about anything they’d like to share.

This post here is not my post. It is from some person who is the writer at one of the blogs below. I don’t even actually know who it is this time since R went and changed up the rules.

So please be nice to my visitor and leave lots of comments!

Below is a list of all the participants of today’s Blog Share. Please go click, read and share the love.

And You Know What Else
Andrea Unplugged
Blue Soup
Bright Yellow World
Bwildered
Caity of the Keps
Catheroominations
Citystreams
Daily Tannenbaum
Did I Say That Outloud?
Dispatches From The Failed Mommy Club
Face Down
For The Long Run
Full Of Snark
Heidikins
In Java, Literally
Just Below 63
LizLand
Malfeasance
A New Duck
NonSoccer Mom
The North Is My Snowcone
Not The Daddy
Operation Pink Herring
Pants, Pants, Pants
Red Red Whine
Sassy Buster
Sauntering Soul
Shushing Action
Snarke
Snow-Covered Hills
Swimming With Sharks
Thinking Some More
Trueish Story
Way Way Up
Whiskey Marie

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…And Then One Day, It Wasn’t A Drill

When I was a teenager I once set off the fire alarm in a school. It was summer and I was helping my stepfather install some tile in a portable so no one was around. I was curious to see if the alarm system would work, afterall, it was summer break. Well, to make a long story short…it worked. Needless to say, my stepfather (and the janitor who had to come in from home and shut it off), was not impressed.

A few years earlier, the house next door to where I grew up burned to the ground, the result of a cigarette carelessly flicked into a garbage can. I remember my stepfather waking me up and sitting around the kitchen table with my sisters, ready to leave at a moments notice if the winds outside blew the fire close enough to our house. My parents told me it was one of the few times where the three of us were completely silent. I remember being quite scared at the time, of course. The thought that I might lose the place I grew up in sickened and worried me. Fortunately our house was spared. Next door, one young man escaped the inferno by jumping from a second story window. A second young man was not so lucky, succumbing at the scene to smoke inhalation.

As a result, I never fool around when it comes to fires – or fire alarms. Occasionally, as a teacher, I bump into situations where some student sets it off for a lark. Early in my teaching career, I had a situation where I thought a bored student had set off the alarm and I went through the motions of leaving the school with my students. This time however, it was the real deal.

The school I was working in at the time was the largest in the board, actually one of the largest in the entire province – close to 500 students from Kindergarten to grade 6. Once I had led all my grade 6 students to the appropriate assembly area out in the playground, I did a quick head count….1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…11…12…13…14…15…16…17…18…19……It slowly dawned on me that I was one student short in my count….one student…one life. I did a recount. And then another. 19. I looked around for him but couldn’t see him through the sea of bodies. At this point I assumed it was just a drill and I remember joking that I wished students would at least wait until the afternoon to pull the alarm rather than doing it at 10am on a Monday morning.

I left my students in the care of a colleague and went on a search for my missing student. It was then that I saw flames shooting out of the side entrance of the school. I know of very few scarier situations where you are responsible for young lives in the face of a situation where you have no control. Outwardly, I exuded calm. I passed by a group of Kindergarten students who were crying and didn’t want to add to their anxiety by showing panic. Inwardly, however, I most certainly was panicking.

Wailing sirens announced the arrival of the fire department. I began to seriously entertain the possibility of re-entering the building to find the student. I had to find him. I just had to. After what seemed an eternity, I spotted my missing charge standing next to another teacher. To say I was relieved would be a gross understatement. I wanted to give the boy a good dressing down for putting me in such a panic. This was a kid that could be quite stubborn and difficult to deal with. It was a rare day that he could follow instructions. Really though, I was glad he was safe. Turns out he had turned left when the other students had turned right after leaving the class. He had wandered off to find a pair of running shoes and quickly separated from the rest of us, eventually leaving the school through another exit. I was so relieved and so pumped up on adrenaline that I was visibly shaking at this point. The relief I felt was indescribable.

The fire was extinguished within a few minutes of the fire trucks arriving. To make a long story short, it turned out that the boiler room had caught fire. Most of the damage (thank goodness for solid brick schools) had been contained to the boiler room and a storage room. The fire meant we got an unexpected mid-February holiday for about a week while the affected areas were cleaned up and the smells were dealt with.

Occasionally when I reflect back on my career to date, I find myself pondering this incident, which wasn’t really all that long ago. It’s a situation I hope I never experience again and something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Looking back on that day, I learned many things – life is precious, always be diligent and above all, a ringing fire alarm may not always mean “just another drill”.

Category: Blog Share | 15 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on February 15, 2009

First off, I’d really like to say thank you to all of you for your comments on my last post. Even though it was a little vague, it helped to just get it out and not feel like I’m holding all these stressors on the inside. And I think I’ll definitely take to writing it out, just for myself, just to help me work through things. Back before I started blogging, I did used to keep a journal and it was very helpful, especially when I just wrote free form.

So obviously a big thing in my life right now is STRESS. Stress with a 72-point font S. I have stress at work and the stress of buying my condo and I’ve really totally negated any of the work that the Nexium had done for my tummy for the first three weeks. So right now, I’m back in heart burn/acid reflux hell. And it is no fun.

I’m pretty sure that the biggest trigger is the STRESS. I have no doubts about that. While I was attempting to eat less acidic foods throughout the last four weeks, there were times I would slip up. Because I LOVE PICKLES! And if I get a pickle, I will not think twice about eating it. Even if the damn cucumber was soaked in vinegar which is just like pouring acid down your throat.

Back before all my additional stress, I could slip up every now and then and wouldn’t pay the price. Generally if there was any issues, a few Tums would do the trick. Now I’m not as lucky. Pretty much the minute I swallow something acidic, something I shouldn’t be having, my tummy lets me know.

So in talking to Nic last week on gchat, she gave me some suggestions, which she is wont to do. By the way, I should not be allowed on instant messaging at all because if I have any kind of freak outs and you happen to having some sort of enlightening conversation with me, I will interrupt all your intelligent conversation with “OH! IT BURNS! I SHOULDN’T HAVE EATEN PIZZA! WHAT WILL I DO? WAH!!!” I’m honestly surprised most people like Nic don’t block me and remain hidden online. Although, she would miss having our Snark Club meetings.

Anyway, when I was whining to Nic and making the whole conversation about ME!, which I am wont to do, I was like “it is so hard! I am having a hard time eating healthy AND trying to limit my acid. Woe is me.”

To which she replied, I think you need to worry about limiting the acid and then everything else should fall into place. She also mentioned working out, since that can relieve stress. And if I do all these things, I’ll be able to live in a world where I don’t breathe fire and I can drink coffee! And a world where I can STOP TALKING ABOUT ACID REFLUX.

So that’s what I’m trying. And still failing. Miserably. I’ve eaten a lot of sandwiches. And then today at the grocery store I bought a turkey breast and figured I’d have that with rice for dinner. And since I don’t like plain rice, I thought I’d get a Rice A Roni mix or something with a little more flavor. Because then I could add some broccoli or peas to the rice and still be getting some added vegetables! YAY ME!

I was the most annoying shopper in the store. I stared at labels of EVERYTHING looking at ingredients and making sure none of them would upset the tum. And clearly I did a horrible job. The rice I got had “spices” listed. It was rice pilaf. So I figured “spices” were like salt and pepper. I mean, come on, rice pilaf isn’t a spice explosion in your mouth or anything.

Well, boy was I W-R-O-N-G, WRONG. Spices clearly meant “tomatoes and vinegar” because after eating it, I can still feel the fire and I don’t the cats’ hair is ever going to grow back right after I lit fire to their tails after yelling at them with my fire breath.

So yeah. This was like one long, boring post about me being an idiot and complaining about all the same things. I’m a two hit wonder. Who wants to hear about my new condo? It’s been several paragraphs since I mentioned that.

But I’m trying to do better. I’m trying to keep my stress low. For instance, when I was washing dishes by hand tonight, I made myself feel tons better because I’m one day closer to a dishwasher and no more dish pan hands. Woo hoo! House and acid! In the same paragraph! I win!

And the good news is I leave two weeks from Wednesday to go on vacation to Arizona. If a few days in the sun away from everything during spring training doesn’t help, then I’m just hopeless. And I’ll rename this blog to Full Of Acid.

Category: Reflux Buuuuurrrnnns | 17 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on February 12, 2009

When I started this blog about two and a half years ago, I did it because I wanted to share my drivel online. Well, not really. After reading a few different blogs, I realized “hey! I could do this! It could be fun!” Once I started, I realized how much I really did enjoy writing, especially when it wasn’t about career-high receiving yards and erosion control products. I enjoyed the freedom of saying what I wanted and writing how I wanted and in my own style. It really cemented my passion and it was very much an “AH HA!” moment when I realized “so this is what I enjoy! Huh. Finally, I figured it out! Now if only I could get paid for it!”

Obviously, I’m not the best writer out there. Not even close. But I feel I can hold my own. I distract you with humor and snarky meat. I at least know proper grammar and punctuation. Even if I don’t use it correctly all the time. I’ll be the first to point out that I am Queen of Fragments on this here site. It’s almost liberating for a proofreading Nazi like myself to throw grammar caution to the wind when I write here.

I appreciate everyone who reads this site. I don’t expect all of you to come here and blow sunshine up my ass. I appreciate each and every comment I get and all your support. I never imagined when I started this site that anyone besides my mom would read. I’ve been lucky to meet a lot of AWESOME people through this site. I love my space on this world wide web.

Writing here is very therapeutic. It’s nice to have a place to come and write about my boring, inane life. It’s nice to know that if I have something going on in my world, there’s usually someone out there going through the same thing. This blogging community can be kind of awesome.

The thing I don’t like about my site? Well, that I can’t truly write whatever I’m feeling. There are limits. People can find it. There is no freedom of speech in blogging. I can’t come here and talk about something and hope that no one will ever discover it. I’ve learned my lesson.

Lately I’ve been having a rough go of things. I’m pretty stressed to the max with work and buying a house. And stress doesn’t help my poor tummy. So then I stress about stressing and well, it’s a nasty little circle that no purple pill can help.

I pretty much have been overwhelmed with feelings of suck. I’ve been second-guessing my abilities, especially with my writing. And that is HARD for me. It has been my one constant. I may be out of shape and lazy and forgetful and a drunk. But I always have my writing. So on top of all this stress and worry, I have had my confidence in my one strong hold, my one rock, shattered. And it is like the straw that broke the camel’s back. And it has all been crashing down on me ever since.

It’s been hard. And as much as I want to share on here, it isn’t the place. This is my issue that I need to work through. But not writing about it makes it worse because I just need to get it out, get it off my chest and start to get my mojo back. I’m tired of feeling like I’m drowning and that I’m spinning off my axis and that I suck at life. I am tired of the lingering feeling that I can do no right. I’m tired of feeling like I am damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. It’s a shitty place to reside in, this Wrongsville, USA.

I’m not sure how it happened or what triggered it, but I need to get back my confidence. I need to get back my swagger. I need to get back my life.

So if anyone sees a Devil May Care Attitude for sale on eBay, can you put it in a bid for me? Preferably with the buy it now option. Price is no option.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging | 38 Comments »
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