Right The Ship
Posted By Kristabella on February 12, 2009
When I started this blog about two and a half years ago, I did it because I wanted to share my drivel online. Well, not really. After reading a few different blogs, I realized “hey! I could do this! It could be fun!” Once I started, I realized how much I really did enjoy writing, especially when it wasn’t about career-high receiving yards and erosion control products. I enjoyed the freedom of saying what I wanted and writing how I wanted and in my own style. It really cemented my passion and it was very much an “AH HA!” moment when I realized “so this is what I enjoy! Huh. Finally, I figured it out! Now if only I could get paid for it!”
Obviously, I’m not the best writer out there. Not even close. But I feel I can hold my own. I distract you with humor and snarky meat. I at least know proper grammar and punctuation. Even if I don’t use it correctly all the time. I’ll be the first to point out that I am Queen of Fragments on this here site. It’s almost liberating for a proofreading Nazi like myself to throw grammar caution to the wind when I write here.
I appreciate everyone who reads this site. I don’t expect all of you to come here and blow sunshine up my ass. I appreciate each and every comment I get and all your support. I never imagined when I started this site that anyone besides my mom would read. I’ve been lucky to meet a lot of AWESOME people through this site. I love my space on this world wide web.
Writing here is very therapeutic. It’s nice to have a place to come and write about my boring, inane life. It’s nice to know that if I have something going on in my world, there’s usually someone out there going through the same thing. This blogging community can be kind of awesome.
The thing I don’t like about my site? Well, that I can’t truly write whatever I’m feeling. There are limits. People can find it. There is no freedom of speech in blogging. I can’t come here and talk about something and hope that no one will ever discover it. I’ve learned my lesson.
Lately I’ve been having a rough go of things. I’m pretty stressed to the max with work and buying a house. And stress doesn’t help my poor tummy. So then I stress about stressing and well, it’s a nasty little circle that no purple pill can help.
I pretty much have been overwhelmed with feelings of suck. I’ve been second-guessing my abilities, especially with my writing. And that is HARD for me. It has been my one constant. I may be out of shape and lazy and forgetful and a drunk. But I always have my writing. So on top of all this stress and worry, I have had my confidence in my one strong hold, my one rock, shattered. And it is like the straw that broke the camel’s back. And it has all been crashing down on me ever since.
It’s been hard. And as much as I want to share on here, it isn’t the place. This is my issue that I need to work through. But not writing about it makes it worse because I just need to get it out, get it off my chest and start to get my mojo back. I’m tired of feeling like I’m drowning and that I’m spinning off my axis and that I suck at life. I am tired of the lingering feeling that I can do no right. I’m tired of feeling like I am damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. It’s a shitty place to reside in, this Wrongsville, USA.
I’m not sure how it happened or what triggered it, but I need to get back my confidence. I need to get back my swagger. I need to get back my life.
So if anyone sees a Devil May Care Attitude for sale on eBay, can you put it in a bid for me? Preferably with the buy it now option. Price is no option.
About the author
Since joining the blogging community only a few short months ago, I can honestly say, “I have found my place in the world.” To write freely and see it in it’s own space – like a virtual library, rocks my world!
I feel similarly. Stuff upon stuff is stressing me out in ways I’ve never dealt with before and I can’t talk about any of it in this open forum where I know I’d find great input and support.
All I know is, you rock. Every morning when I see that you’ve written something, I smile because I know it will be funny and interesting. I hope your swagger returns to you soon.
tutugirl1345s last blog post..101 Things about Tutugirl
I understand completely. Truly, I do.
Jen on the Edges last blog post..Goodbye old house
Buying a house is one of the most stressful things in life. There’s a list somewhere about the “most stressful things” and buying a house is one of them. So is death and divorce but I forget which order they’re in. You’re doing all this on your own…and, been there, done that..it IS stressful. I guess my assvice would be to let the peripheral things straighten out…packing, closing on the house, moving, etc., and that swagger will be back. In fact, I’m positive you haven’t really lost it. You never do. Never.
You know what? You should blame that feeling on February. February BLOWS, big time. I think once it starts to warm up past 30 degrees consistently you will start to feel better. If not, I will meet you in Rochester for garbage plates. They might not make your tummy happy, but… wait a minute, they will definitely make your tummy happy!
nancypearlwannabes last blog post..Testing… Testing…
This time of year blows. I agree with NPW. This is the time of year that you just have to get through. You can do it, put on your big girl panties and deal.
Keep it real, chiquita.
namaste.
Phils last blog post..Time to start setting up your blog
OK, the good news? You wrote the post I was going to write, so I didn’t need to write it. It sucks so hard having to self-edit and self-censor because some things just don’t belong in your personal slice of the internet pie. I’ve started write ghost posts that I just never publish, so I at least get the catharsis of writing it down and getting it out, without needing to put my whole soul out there.
The bad news? I checked Ebay and they just don’t have the right attitude. If it comes up I’ll split it with you!
Yeah I am with you here. I have a lot of things to say, but too many people in my real life know about the blog now, and I’m afraid to say them. It’s that double-edged sword where you’re proud of your writing and you want to share it, and then afterwards you’re like, “DOH! Why’d I do that???”
Candys last blog post..In Which I Speak Proudly of the Fruit of my Loins (and Wonder if Women Have Loins)
I could have written that last paragraph. If you like to write and you feel that you can’t write about what your feeling here, why not try journaling? (Can you hear my shrink talking here?)
I hope you can find your mojo soon. And I hope you move out of Wrongsville, USA ASAP!
Melissas last blog post..Ambien – Viagra For Women?
Why do you say you can’t write to feel better? You might not feel comfortable blogging it but that doesn’t mean you can’t write it. You can just write it to yourself! I think some might call it a diary. My friend keeps hers locked in a safe. Or you could write it and email it to your mom, sisterinlaw, whoever.
micheles last blog post..My Life is Soooo Interesting
I do hope that you find some outlet to express yourself. I know that once you have readers you tend to shy away from a few topics. But there is a place somewhere where you can be you.
christinas last blog post..Only the bullets
oh hi! Name’s tmc. I’m a longtime resident of this here Wrongsville, USA. Nice to meetcha, neighbour. : )
tmcs last blog post..With a chuffchuff & a disapproving look…
At the risk of sounding like a sunshine blower & for whatever it’s worth (insert prepositional phrases here), your writing rocks.
I can relate to the frustration of wanting to share more than is advisable, definitely. Bah.
Legallyblondemels last blog post..Valentine’s Gifts, Anti-Martha Style
I completely agree with you, and have gotten over feeling uber-geeky about it, that having one’s own teeny tiny slice of the blogosphere is truly an awesome thing. I definitely find blogging to be therapeutic, and even after a day of writing about the most mundane topics all day, I still look forward to letting (most of it) all out.
If it’s your job that’s got you thinking you’re not doing so hot, drop that idea like it’s hot. I’ve had jobs where I was CONVINCED I was doing a terribly shitty job, but after a few years I realized that’s just unfortunately how that place worked: I worked hard, was never praised, only the flaws were pointed out, and then I’d work hard some more. It’s just some people’s way.
Lastly, your writing expresses perfectly how you’re feeling. So much comes across in your unique style, and it’s this that makes us all come back again and again.
Amanda Nicoles last blog post..when I count back from 10 I make it to 8 before tearing out a fistful of hair
I reveal way less on my blog now. Sometimes I really wish I had a place to talk about things and straighten things out, but I just can’t.
Scarlets last blog post..Rule Breaker
Maybe just take a deep breath and step away from the computer for a bit? (we will miss you) but it could help you center yourself. I hope your swagger is back in no time!
Sensibly Sassys last blog post..The Pursuit of Healthiness
Hang in there! We love you and your blog. Please do whatever you need to take care of yourself and feel better. I, too, am struggling with what some call “divine discontent”. As Dame Cicely Veronice Wedgewood says: “Discontent and disorder are signs of energy and hope, not despair.” And “if there were none that were discontented with what they have, the world would never reach for anything better” from Florence Nightingale. So join me in our mutual discontent with our individual stats quos, and know that somewhere new doors are opening for us! 😉 Hopefully with chocolate and champagne behind them. LOL.
I totally get you on this. I do.
I hope that you get your swagger back soon and feel better too 🙂
Angellas last blog post..Mad At Dad?
Don’t worry. When you come to AZ you will defniitely get your groove back! A little sun goes a long way. For now, make sure you are getting enough vitamin D. And I’m a big believer in the power of positive thought. Sometimes just letting myself live in the funk, but with the thought that I’ll know I’ll get through it gives me enough hope to get there. I know you will, too.
First: you rock. And I’m sorry to hear it’s not been quite the outlet you need it to be right now: I totally know how you feel about that. I used to have a Livejournal where I’d just write whatever I wanted to, safe in the knowledge that only a few people had access to it, and they were people I trusted implicitly (and had no real-life dealings with as it were). Sometimes I really miss that freedom, because the pressure to remember who might be reading, and hold back because of that, can be really stifling.
You’ll get your groove back soon, I’m sure. Probably after February because wow, is it a sucky month…
Ambers last blog post..Two heads are not necessarily better than one
I hear ya. I feel like I’ve lost my writing mojo, too. I hope you find yours.
beckys last blog post..Transitions… and good customer service
Here’s the stressor scale that Mahnee was referencing:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale
In the past few years, you’ve had more than enough stress to deal with, especially job-wise!
I pretty much go through crises of confidence every day, even though I have hundreds of thousands of readers. So okay, maybe it’ll help a little coming from a “real” writer, hearing me tell you that you ARE an amazing writer, and you seriously should never doubt that. Your writing is amazing partly because it makes people laugh, which is an awesome thing. But also because you’re so real and willing to talk about the crap most of us would be too embarrassed to admit. (I love you for not showering every day when you were unemployed, because ME TOO! AND I HAVE THAT SAME BUTT-PRINT ON MY OWN COUCH, AND I STORE SNACKS IN MY COFFEE TABLE SO I WON’T EVEN HAVE TO WALK TO THE KITCHEN WHEN I’M HUNGRY, AND I HAVEN’T LEFT THE HOUSE SINCE TUESDAY. YOU WANT TO HAVE A LOSER COMPETITION? I WILL WIN HANDS DOWN!)
You’ve already opened up here, made everybody relate to you–and as an author who’s constantly trying to create 3-D characters using only 2-D words, I can tell you that’s the most important part of being a writer, getting people to feel like they know you when you haven’t even met.
Is it that you don’t want to write about what you’re going through because you think everybody’s expecting you to be funny? Hell, look, you just wrote a post that wasn’t so funny and it looks like everybody loves you even more. All your self-doubt and sucky-feelingness mean a hundred times more than the funniness, really.
There’s no perfect way to really fix what you’re going through, other than time maybe. But I can say that writing’s kind of like meditation to me, helps me get through everything hard and stressful in my life (and my life may be pretty good now, but I’ve lived through a ton of suck.) Knowing so many people are going to read what I write is totally intimidating in a way, but it’s also totally cathartic. If you don’t want to talk about the crap in your life because you feel like you need to keep things private, that’s totally understandable. Don’t talk about it here if you don’t feel comfortable, but it sounds like you really should talk to somebody, or at least write down whatever you’re feeling to come to terms with it yourself.
What I’ll do sometimes is write kind of free-form, without thinking too much about what I’m writing, and that’s what helps me get even deeper inside myself. There’s no inner-criticism at all about what I’m writing, just my feelings. And then I’ll burn it, or throw it away somewhere I can look at it later when it’s not so raw. Seriously, it makes all the difference in the world.
Man, sorry this comment is so f-ing long. I’ll just end here with a *HUG*.
thinking of you.
for I have no other words than “I understand.”
moos last blog post..I’m so superstitious
every February I seem to take a break. Maybe it has to do with taxes that are going to be owed that throws me for a loop every year but I understand that sometimes blowing smoke up someone’s ass just doesn’t help.
Signing that contract to buy your first place on closing day might do the trick 😉
You have a lot to be proud of, Girlie!
I am not blowing smoke up your ass either – I gave that up this summer 😉
Love you!
Looks like Mom J and I agree. Hi Mom J!
I know what you mean. I have much fewer readers than you, but I know that I have to be careful with what I say regardless. I think you whould go back to keeping a diary…maybe just create a document on your computer and add to it every day. Since there’s no need to publish it, you can be free to say what you want. And, I’m pretty sure you can even password protect it! That being said, I’m sorry you lost your confidence because I definitely enjoy your writing – it never reads like the written word, it’s always a story and I usually forget I’m even reading once I’m in the middle of it. Good luck!
TUWABVBs last blog post..Inappropriateness: A Trilogy
I think you are a wonderful writer. And I am sorry that you are stressed right now. Buying a house IS one of the most stressful experiences ever. Just breathe – one step at a time. Sounds like you have some good support. You will get through this.
hi. I have 2 things to say to you.
1. I won’t tell you to just keep writing and everything will be okay, but I will tell you that I enjoy your writing. You keep me interested and amused, and I tend to be a rather harsh critic. People check out your site everyday because they care what you have to say, and that’s something a lot of writers are never able to say.
2. I’m one of the twitter-ers who follow you but keep their profile locked (maxpowerMD). I’m not a weird blog-stalker who doesn’t want you to know who I am, but occasionally I include links to my site (http://dangerouslyundercaffeinated.blogspot.com/) and there are several twitter-ers in my office, including the CEO and HR manager, who would not appreciate some of my venting.
Anyway, I think of you as my wife’s (spoonfullofsarah) funny friend, and I am one of many people who enjoy your writing and hope you can work through the frustration and keep doing it.
KJ, please do not second guess your writing abilities! Of course we all have many sides to us, and work requires/demands a different style of communication. I’m not sure which writing channel you are referring to, but your blog RAWKS! I always smile widest when my Google Reader tells me you’ve birthed another pearl. (Or a strip of salty, greasy meat.) Buying a home (esp #1) is one of life’s highest stressors. I hope you get “righted” soon, and realize that it may just be a matter of your perspective.
I’m sorry to hear you’re so stressed out, K. 🙁 Stress has reached epidemic proportions, it would seem. I sincerely hope you find your way to the other side of your current state of blah and soon. Be good to yourself and your belly. Sounds like you may be listening to that evil little inner voice too much. The one that tells you that you “suck at life” and whatnot. Tell it to shut the hell up and spend some time, instead, listening for the much quieter but more supportive voice that tells you you’re capable, talented and worth the effort. Believe me, the supportive voice is in there…it’s just too freakin’ meek to be heard over the evil bastard most of the time. 🙂
I thoroughly enjoy your writing. Please keep it up. And if you feel like you need to work through something by writing, but can’t write it publicly, then do so privately. It may not get comments, but it’s still cheap therapy.
Feel better. 🙂
g
gillians last blog post..…and some pics
I am here chica, and I love you always…. let me know if you wanna get together for some beer and cute boy watching…
Girl,
I get what you’re saying.
If you want to write the nitty gritty and let it ALL HANG OUT then start a new blog and use a pen name. It’ll help to be able to write uncensored.
Also, I know you have little faith in anything but Nexium, but just try ranitidine, worked for me.
In the meantime, keep at least one wheel on the road… *grin*
Venom
Venoms last blog post..Velentine Battle of the Sexes
OK – so seriously – this is EXACTLY what I’m going through right now – well minus the hole in my gut (sorry you’re having tummy troubles) and buying a house (did that a while back – BIG stresser). But I am at a crossroads right now too on what to write and what to keep private. Especially looking for a new job – not sure who reads my post IRL and what if I end up interviewing with one of them? YIKES!! I don’t have quite the following you have (I WISH) but I have enought people IRL that follow it that I can’t write EVERYTHING down. I agree with the others on here – first – you rock and and I’m sorry you’re blue . . . but I think you should create a ‘ghost post’ and spill everything there – minus your name, etc that would give you away.
February is almost over – and spring and your moving day is right around the corner!! Chin up sista!
Shopgirls last blog post..Dark Days
i so know that feeling. as much as i love my blog i know that sadly it isn’t the place to release all of my thoughts and problems.
i’ve recently come to terms with it. que sera sera.
alexa – cleveland’s a plums last blog post..lots of randomness rolled into one
I’m sorry you feel like you bring the suck, but I disagree.
Also, check craigslist for that devil may care attitude. You can find all kinds of crap for sale there.
I agree with you…blogging is just what I need. AND…it is so difficult to get past what you want to write and what you should write. Sometimes I wonder who is reading and OH MY GOD WHAT WILL THEY THINK?! But I think I have finally come to a point where I write for me, and if people don’t like it, they are certainly free to stop reading. Risk taking = some of the best writing out there. Go for it!
Nikols last blog post..If You See My Husband, Tell Him I Love Him