Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on June 14, 2009

This past Saturday my favorite niece Skyler had her first ballet recital. It was as adorable as you can imagine, watching a bunch of wee little girls dance around on stage.

Skyler is actually one of the youngest in her class. The class is for three year olds, but the cut off was September 1. And Skyler’s birthday is in October. But after taking another session of her dance class from last fall, which is just called Creative Movement because it is for little ones, the teacher said Skyler was good to move up to the real class. The class with a recital, where all of us could come watch her perform and she would have a costume!

So since she is 3 1/2, she’s been practicing this routine once a week for the last nine months. Understandably, she started to hate ballet. Probably because she was tired of hearing the same damn song over and over and over. So to get my stubborn niece to actually participate in the recital and be a good girl, cake was promised. (One of the many ways we’re similar, Skyler and I, is our love of cake.) But when they went to the high school auditorium for dress rehearsal earlier in the week and Skyler saw the big stage, she was ready to perform. She was ready to show the world her mad ballet skillz!

It was literally the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. The show was comprised of eight different dance classes, including Skyler’s. They were all the younger kids, most of them Skyler’s age or just a year or two older. Just watching all the cuteness made my uterus ache. But none were cuter than our girl.

They danced to Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles. Skyler was very serious and very focused while she danced. And was singing most of the words to the song.

Afterwards she got some flowers and we gushed all over her at how cute she was and how well she performed! Our prima ballerina. She was all smiles and loved the flowers.

And of course, I was the proudest Auntie in the entire auditorium!

You can see the rest of the photos here. The ones at the actual recital are crappy because we couldn’t use the flash and we weren’t super close.

Here is the video, if anyone wants to watch. It’s only about 3 minutes and you will get a toothache from the cuteness. Or maybe you won’t because you’re not related to her.

Skyler Ballet Recital June 2009 from kristabella on Vimeo.

Category: All in the Family | 22 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 10, 2009

Back a few months ago, I wrote a post about weather. Because when you’re one cat shy of crazy, spinster cat lady, you can talk of nothing besides cats and weather. Also, I’m preparing myself for when I’m old when all I’ll want to do is talk about the weather. Probably because weather unites us all! Especially in Chicago! We have commonalities to complain about, young and old! Huzzah!

Anyway, in that post, I basically pissed off Spring. Because she was a big fucking tease and never came around. And then a funny thing happened, some time around the end of May, Spring came. But see, usually in Chicago, the end of May is when we see our first 90-degree days. And from Memorial Day on, it’s summer. Hot, sweaty, change-your-shirt-three-times-a-day, stock-up-on-deodorant summer. People are turning on the A/C, breaking out the bathing suits and complaining and wishing for the days when it was cool and you didn’t sweat through your clothes blow drying your hair first thing in the morning.

But that hasn’t happened. Not even close. Right now, on the evening of June 10, it is in the 50s. Last night? I had to close all the windows and put on a sweatshirt because it was chilly! ON JUNE FUCKING 10!

I’ve been back in Chicago since 2005, so this will be my fifth summer back in the Land of Humidity. And every summer I’ve lived in the city, by this time, I’ve installed the window A/C unit and have turned it on at least once. I actually remember buying my window A/C unit on Memorial Day about three years ago because it was too fucking hot and I just couldn’t take it any more. This year on Memorial Day? It was rainy and barely got up to 65 degrees.

So clearly, my post about Spring really set off Mother Nature. She is not having any of my insubordination. And she’s going to make me pay. By wearing sweaters and fleece jackets in June. DURING THE DAY. And hiding the sun from us just long enough that we forget where we put our damn sunglasses. And then have to drive home from work all squinty.

This is either payback for that post or she saw me trying on those 2 new bathing suits I bought and just put out a preemptive strike for all of the world. She saw the display of massive chunks of pasty white skin, riddled in cellulite and said “Nuh, uh. No way. NO ONE needs to see that.” And she cranked down the thermostat.

Lest you think Mother Nature is fucking around,  remember that I was living in a third-floor walk-up with only a small window air conditioner that I couldn’t run all the time because I don’t have piles of gold in my closets, and it was HOT all the time. Living in that apartment, I would have KILLED for it to be this cool for as long as possible. All I dreamt about was the day I would live some place that I had central air. Now that I have central A/C and do not have to worry about the SUFFOCATING HEAT INSIDE MY HOUSE anymore, now that bitch Mother Nature turns the weather cool and I can’t even turn the A/C on because it’s too cold outside for it to even kick on. Oh, the irony! I HEAR YOU CACKLING, MOTHER NATURE!

YOU WIN THIS ROUND! NOW WARM THIS BITCH UP! A-SAP!

I bet she can’t wait for us to all start complaining about the heat and humidity once she gives up this little game of hers. We get it Mother Nature! You’re powerful! GAH. We totally get it. You win. Now give us summer, for the love of God!

Category: Weather dot com | 27 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 9, 2009

I love comments. All bloggers do. Any blogger who says that they don’t are liars. I don’t blog for the comments, but I do love that people take the time to read and comment and usually commiserate with me or laugh with me, or at me. And I like the friendships that I’ve formed with all of you who come here and read my drivel. Because I feel like I know you and you choose to come visit this site because you like me or my cats or my pathetic whinings. And that is all fine and good with me.

I don’t really like strangers. I love new people who find my blog through other friends. I hope they stay around awhile. But no one like trolls.

Which is why I am not the biggest fan of StumbleUpon. I love when people Stumble my posts. In theory. I love that someone thought it was funny enough, or well written enough, that they wanted to share with EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET. It warms my cold, black heart.

But the problem with sharing it with everyone is that you don’t know who is going to stumble upon your post and what kind of asshats might read you blog and figure they have some not nice things to tell you.

I’ve been lucky. I know of plenty big bloggers out there who get stumbled and then get a ra shitstorm of comments from trolls who just love to make people feel like crap. Thankfully, I’m a Q-list blogger who no one knows and who hardly gets Stumbled. Which means, no douchey comments. Generally.

Someone (or someones, whoever you are, thank you!) Stumbled this post, where I re-enact the cats’ puking incident. It is one of my all time favorite posts ever and I laugh whenever I think about it.

But Jason, I don’t think Jason found it funny.

So does Jason think I’m single because I’m hilarious and take time to caption my cats photos? Or am I single because I take photos of my cats? Or am I single because my life is so pathetic, I have nothing else to talk or write about besides my cats? THEY ARE MY REASON TO LIVE!

Also, I’m not sure if having Bacon as a section of my website was pathetic, or it made me less pathetic in Jason’s eyes. And of course Jason left his email address as Jason@hotmail.com, which is probably fake unless he was the first Jason ever to have a hotmail email address. Which probably makes him more pathetic than a single girl who writes funny posts about her cats.

So, just for you Jason (and for Ali too, who loves people who talk about cats), I post this video, which I find oddly hilarious. This is Kitty Kitty cleaning her chin fur.

And now, Jason, I give you something to really make fun of me about. You’re welcome.

Category: All Things Blogging, Crazy Cat Lady | 40 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 8, 2009

Do you remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry was at a hotel and woke up in the middle night laughing hysterically about something and he wrote it on a notepad and the maid threw it away? And he was all bummed, and thought it was fucking HILARIOUS? And then he thought of it later or something and it was something stupid like belt pretzel Cuba?

These things happen to me. This post title comes from some note I had on a notepad by my bed from some time this weekend. It was written also with “hillbilly”, “pizza” and “Jiffy Lube.” I’m not sure the last one was a reminder to get a lube job on my car, or to tell you about my horrible Jiffy Lube story. Regardless, it serves a double purpose because I do need an oil change and can write about the Jiffy Lube story, so apparently I’m a GENIUS when I’m semi-conscious. (Not so much so when fully conscious.) Too bad I can’t be semi-conscious all the time. Well, I guess I could, but it would probably lead to unpleasant things like walking off a balcony and eating canned cat food.

It took me half a day, but I finally remembered what I wanted to write about bells. Which, thank God because I’m running out of post ideas. I was about to throw myself down the cement stairs in hopes of breaking something so I could whine about another injury.

Anyway, so my new house, it is across the street from a church. I was familiar with this before I moved in. I came to my condo four times before it was officially mine. (Don’t worry, this has a point.) The first time I saw it, the second time when I brought my brother, the inspection and then the final walk-thru. In all these times, all different times on different days, I never realized that the church has a bell. THAT RINGS. EVERY HOUR. Like living across the street from a giant’s cuckoo clock.

During the week, it isn’t a big deal at all. It doesn’t ring until 8 AM and stops at 6 PM. So I usually hear only those two instances.

On the weekend it’s a whole other story. Because I’m generally sleeping for the first couple of rings. I will admit that I have slept through the 8 and 9 AM ones before. And it does come in handy to know what time it is. Because I’m blind and I can’t really see my clock on my nightstand, it’s nice to just lie there and count the dings and think “oh, good, it’s only 10 AM. I can still sleep in a little.” Unless you miscount the chimes and then get royally screwed up. Which maybe has happened to me. It usually goes something like this.

(Dinging of church bells in the distance)

Kristabella, lying in bed surrounded by her two stupid cats, is counting along to the chiming of the bells.

Kristabella: “One, two, three, did I brush my teeth last night? Four, five, is it really the weekend or did I just think it was and overslept on a Thursday? Six, seven.”

(Bells stop)

Kristabella: “Oh good, it’s only seven AM. I can totally sleep like four more hours.”

About 23 minutes later, Kristabella rolls over and looks at the clock.

Kristabella: “Wait, how the fuck is it 11:23? WHERE DID THE MORNING GO? WHY HAVE I HEARD NO MORE BELLS RINGING? Man I should really lay off the booze before bed time if I’m so out of it I sleep through loud bells dinging and donging.”

It took me three weeks to stop blaming the alarm clock for fucking with me and realize that I have the attention span of a gnat and lose count easily.

You actually can’t really miscount for too long because come noon, they play a song along with the 12 chimes of the bell. And then at 6 PM on Saturdays they play a whole host of songs that I didn’t even realize a bell could make. I mean, isn’t it just one big bell with one note? With Quasimodo and his hump in the bell tower going to town ringing that bell? Is there even a person still in the bell tower? Is there even a bell tower?

Then, early Sunday morning, they go to town with that music again, right before mass. Although, it is a Lutheran church so I’m not sure it is even called mass. What is it called? The service? Anyway, it’s early on Sundays. I think at 9 or 10. (This would be one time I miscounted the bells.) (Also, 10 AM is early to me on Sundays when I am actually able to sleep in.)

So I was talking about this with my mom at dinner on Saturday. And my mom was all “oh, that’s the Angeles.” And I was all “no, mom, I’m in CHICAGO. Not Southern California. Also, I don’t care where they are from, these churchgoers, I just want to sleep with NO BELLS! NO MORE COW BELL!”

And my mom is all “No, Angelus. It’s a Christian devotion in memory of the Incarnation and is usually associated with the ringing of the Angelus bell at noon and 6 PM.”

After I shook my head so hard I knocked my eyes loose, ala a Tom & Jerry cartoon, because what, what, what, mother? When did she become a religious scholar? Before I could plan her appearance on Jeopardy, I noticed she was reading the Wikipedia entry from my phone. Point, mom.

So I told her, “I don’t actually care what they are called. I just wish they had a mute button on Saturday and Sunday mornings.”

You might also be thinking that this would be just the thing to make me a morning person on the weekend. But you would be wrong.

Category: The Hizzouse | 19 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 7, 2009

Hey readers! How are all of you? I am doing much better! Last week was rough, wasn’t it? I mean with the depressing post and then the “hey! I hurt my back!” post. And then nothing! Well, that was because I was busy! Busy meeting Metalia!

I’m not sure what it says about me that when I hurt my back Wednesday night, the first thing I thought was “oh no! I’m supposed to meet Metalia after work on Thursday! How will this work if I CANNOT WALK?” Clearly my priorities were totally straight. I wasn’t worried about missing work, or never walking again or being able to get to the elevator to drive myself to the hospital for care. I was worried about my date with Metalia! At a wine bar! WITH CHEESE!

Thankfully, after I posted, I took a bath. Those whirlpool jets do wonders. As does Vicodin. So I was feeling much better Thursday when I got up. I slept well, it was almost the weekend and I WAS MEETING METALIA FOR THE FIRST TIME! (OH MY GOD! Could I be anymore of a crazy stalker person?)

We had a great time! Well, I should say I had a great time. I assume she did because she finished both her wine and cheese and even offered some of her cheese to me. You don’t offer cheese to people you don’t like, do you? I don’t because I love cheese. After hanging out with her for just a few short hours I decided two things – 1) we are so long lost friends from another life because it was so much fun! It wasn’t like we were meeting for the first time. It’s like we were just picking up from where we left off. Friends like that are worth their weight in gold! And 2) I’m moving to NYC! Or going to visit there very soon!

Anyway, enough with that. No one really wants to hear how awesome Metalia and I are. Because, we are awesome. And we both love wine and cheese. The end.

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On Saturday, my mom and I drove 3500 miles to go to my nephew’s birthday party. This is my nephew Tommy. He is turning 8 at the end of the month (EIGHT?!?!? Where the hell did the time go?). He is my sister’s son, my oldest nephew. I don’t talk about him as much for a few reasons. One, he doesn’t think I’m the bees knees anymore, like Skyler and Noah do. And two, his dad, the guy my sister was with until about a year ago, is an asshole. And I couldn’t hide the fact that I didn’t care for him. So I didn’t go out to visit them much.

We used to be best buds back in the day when he wasn’t 8 going on 28 and too cool for his Auntie. When I lived thousands of miles away and I bought him lots of candy and ice cream and everything moms don’t want you to buy for their kids.

Anyway, Tommy won a birthday party at a karate place. So he had a bunch of his friends with him as they learned karate from the Karate SuperNanny.

SuperNanny you say? Yes! This guy had those kids scared shitless! They all had a great time, but you would have sworn you were in a room full of mutes, not a room full of eight year olds because it was eerily quiet at all times. Because when they acted up? SuperNanny was all over them! Like one kid punched his sister and the sister whined about it. So SuperNanny Sensei called both kids over and said to the whiny girl “Do we whine, or do we tell someone that they are not allowed to hit you?” AND THAT SHIT WORKED! It was AMAZING! The one mom was like “can we just hire this guy to work in our house?”

The other weird thing, which I guess isn’t weird if you’ve ever done karate, was that you had to take your shoes off and bow when you came into the room. Whatever, I was like I have a bad back, SuperNanny Sensei. I ain’t bowing and you can’t make me. But I did take off my shoes. But then realized I had to go to the bathroom. And then totally announced that I was “pulling a Britney” and went to pee and then complained about how gross that was for the rest of the session. Ewwwww!

Tommy had a great time. What kid wouldn’t when they get to kick and punch things, even if they aren’t allowed to scream or act out.

And I got my photo with him for the first time in probably close to four years, if not more. And it took a lot of coaxing to get him to not make a face.

And just because I don’t see him as much, or mention him on this blog a lot, I still love him to pieces and I’m a very proud Auntie at the little man he’s becoming. (Except when he farts in nice restaurants and I’m reminded exactly WHY I don’t have kids.)

Thankfully he’s still young enough to be bribed with ice cream and cash. So I still have that going for me.

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Finally, a birthday shout out for my BFF Lori! I know this is posted on Sunday night, but most people are reading on Monday and MONDAY IS LORI’S BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LORI!

Clearly, Lori, this takes place of a timely mailed card and present. It will be in the mail. Soon, hopefully!

Hope you have a great one! Love you Haro!

Category: All in the Family, All Things Blogging | 18 Comments »
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