Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on August 15, 2007

Sometimes I swear my life should be a TV show. If only to prove to people my utter stupidity. For all the land to see.

So remember how I’m going to the gym now? The gym that sucks and apparently doesn’t have locker rooms? Well, they do. As I figured the other day, they are upstairs. All 2,673 stairs. Or at least that’s what it feels like to climb them after working out.

Anyway, so there are signs all over not to leave personal items in your car in the parking lot because they’ve had some incidents or something. Well, since I didn’t see any lockers, I had been keeping all my shit in my trunk. I mean, steal my underwear and bra inside the gym if you’d like. But I kind of need my wallet and keys.

So tonight I ventured up the 18 flights of stairs to take a look-see at what exactly was upstairs. There are two studios for classes. And then there are two doors. Identical doors. With no markings on them. Nor any signs. Two black doors with the same silver circle on it. The exact same doors. Are your getting it? They are the SAME.

I felt like I was on a fucking game show. (Which normally? Good thing.) Which door to choose? Door number one and I win a new car! Door number two and I may just see a naked, sweaty man changing out of his jock strap. (Which, well let’s face it. I’ve been in an NFL locker room. I’ve seen it all.)

Well, I picked the WRONG door. WRONG! I wasn’t sure when I walked in. Because no one was in there. There was a hair dryer. But this is Lincoln Park. I’m sure there are plenty of men at that gym that might use a hair dryer.

My solution? Instead of asking? I decided to look in the lockers to see if things looked like guys or girls stuff. Seriously. Like I was expecting to see high heels and a dress, or a suit and tie. (I did see some Prada shoes, but they did not scream MEN’S SHOES!) This proved fruitless, obviously, and I finally had to leave.

When I walked out the door, I ran into a guy who works at the gym. Who just started laughing. (That was my first clue that I, indeed, had been in the wrong locker room.) When I went into the women’s locker room finally, I realized that the walls were painted pink in here. Blue in the other.

You can’t make this shit up.

Thankfully (or maybe not) there were no naked men or anything. I don’t need any more reasons to not go to the gym.

But hello, gym? SIGNS WOULD BE NICE!

Speaking of the gym, I am always amazed at people who pick up people at gyms. (No, I don’t know any of these people. I hear stories.) Who are these people? How does this happen? I admit, there are quite a few boys I’ve seen in my three days at this gym that I wouldn’t mind making out with, but what the fuck? I’m at the gym. And I don’t want to be there. At. All. And my red, sweaty face should be the first clue. That and the furrowed brow.

Although, I suppose if you do meet someone at the gym, your stock can only go up. Because if you think I’m cute after working out, it only gets better. I usually clean up good. And actually smile.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Run Forrest | 6 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 14, 2007

One night last week as I was writing some, I’m sure, very witty, insightful post, I thought about the fact that I still have yet to go into great detail about how it came about that this here blog went and got me fired.

I thought of it mostly because the post in question, the one that started an all-out riot in Seattle, complete with torches, is sitting in my drafts. Instead of deleting it, I decided to just save it as a draft for as to post at a later time. You know, *looks left, looks right*, when the coast was clear.

Lately this blog has been the one thing I look forward to every day. It keeps me sane. At least on the days I don’t write all crap. And because of it, I’ve had new readers join the group. And I in turn then get directed to some new, great blogs. Blogs have consumed my life, and that is exactly how I want it to be.

So I figured with some new readers, this would be a good time to get into the whole story. It’s been almost five months since all this shit went down. It’s been four since we opened Kristabella back up to the general public.

And I’ve seriously debated sitting down and writing the post that explains it all. Because really? What the hell is the big deal?

Dooce (we all know Dooce, right? She like rules the blogging world) was fired for her blog way back in like 2002, when the rest of the world was all “what in tarnation is this here bloggy thing you’re yapping about?”

I went back to her archives to see how she handled it. And she was the one who convinced me I shouldn’t live in fear. She didn’t. (And she got fired for something even stupider than what I got fired for.) Why let them win?

Well, for one, I need a job. I’m on my own, no hubby, etc., so I kind of need the income. And most employers don’t realize the awesomeness that is me, so it takes me a little while to find a new job.

So last night I all but decided, when I had more time to write, probably this weekend, I would finally write THE post. And re-publish the ill-fated, send-the-CEO-into-a-tailspin-over-a-skiing-name, got-me-univited-to-the-party, limited-my-days-there post.

But then something happened today. I was just sitting at my desk, working diligently on my extensive to-do list reading blogs, when one of my bosses came up behind me (therefore busting me on the fact I was clearly not working diligently on work-related tasks) and asked me if I had lunch plans. (Besides my 2-point sandwich and watermelon?) I said no. And she said she’d like to go to the cafeteria with me, just the two of us, and have lunch.

At that moment my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. And I full-on flipped out. Because God damn! I’m just starting to enjoy my job. I have learned not to interact with certain people too much because they make me want to rip my arm off, but it’s going good. I’m getting all my work done, people are finally starting to trust me, I have time to read blogs, I get to read all the transcripts of the live feeds on JokersUpdates for Big Brother. Life is good. Bills are being paid.

I asked the girl in the cube next to me what she thought. Mind you, not nonchalantly asking if this is normal practice here at this company or some other completely sane question like that. No, the conversation was more of me asking “she wouldn’t fire me in the cafeteria, right? Like in front of all those PEOPLE? Would she? (Shaking girl in cube next to me) Would she???? ANSWER ME!”

Because I immediately go to the worst possible scenario. That consulting job has fucked me up good. And for no reason at all except that the CEO has a fragile little ego. And it fucking pisses me off that that douche bag has made me live in fear. Because I have yet to do anything wrong. And I most certainly have done nothing wrong at new job. Nothing that could EVER make me even think for one SECOND that my boss would want to fire me.

And you know what? It sucks. And I’m not going to do it anymore. I will NOT let that asshat win.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, General, Worky Work | 12 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 13, 2007

So the new hair went over well at work today. Everyone noticed. Even some boys! And we all know most straight males will never notice. Even if your damn head is on fire. I had one person tell me that this color is more “me”, which will severely upset my mother because as supportive as she is, she wants me to be blonde. And I like being blonde too. But am loving this new brunette look.

The funniest thing was one of the dudes dyed his hair over the weekend too. He’s about 20 years older, so he dyed it brown to cover the grey. We both laughed and pointed at one another when we both realized that this past weekend was The Weekend To Dye Your Hair Brown. Did anyone else partake?

And then I had some chick look at me and say something about strawberry blonde. And I must have looked at her with the most fucked up face evah because what?!? What part of this looks either red like a strawberry or blonde, like LIGHT? Like as in the opposite of brown? And this is why I will stand by my position that some people are just idiots.

In other news, guess what I did tonight? I dyed my hair blonde! No. I kid. I kid. But! I. Went. Running! (I thought that could use some dramatic pauses.)

Yep. And I kind of enjoyed it. For the first 12 minutes (a WHOLE mile). Until I got so damn winded I had to walk. (Not too shabby for the first actual aerobic activity in three damn months, you lazy whore.) I not only ran, I went to my damn gym for the first time since maybe April. And on top of it, this was my first time at the new gym that I moved to once I didn’t work downtown anymore. (I won’t point out that I moved to this gym in June. It’s now August.)

And let me tell you, this gym blows. It’s tiny. And it’s hot. And I’m pretty sure there are no locker rooms. (There is some stuff upstairs, but it was like 347 steps up to the top, and no one needs a locker room that bad.) In fact, I think there are no lockers at all. Which means, you just store your bag in a cubby like if you were a damn first grader. But at least it wasn’t too crowded and I didn’t have to wait for a machine. (Someone might steal my underwear, but hey! No waiting!) And there were like 3 cute boys running that I could stare at, which is always quite helpful. Because the only other option was damn Katie Couric on TV and I already have the urge to vomit from the running. I don’t need anything else contributing to that.

But the goal is to keep this up. One, because it helps with the weight loss. And the whole fitting-back-into-the-pants Plan. And two, oh, because I signed up to run a 5k on Labor Day. Not that I can’t walk it, but I kind of want to get back to running. If only because it burns more calories. And more calories burned = more beers I’m able to drink.

And then all will be right in the world.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, General, Run Forrest | 2 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 12, 2007

So did you guys know that I was getting my hair done this weekend? Did I maybe happen to mention it?

I KNOW you are all on the edges of your seats wondering “did she go with bangs? Will her hair be any different? I have to know what she decided!”

Well wait no further. Because it is now time reveal the hair-do that trumps all hair-dos!

Just a refresher. Here is before. This also happens to be my profile picture on Match.com. Because it’s the best I could come up with.

Blonde. Pretty. No bangs.

Now AFTER! Prepare to be shocked! And damn near fall out of your seat!

Totally still me. Not blonde! Still pretty! Now with sexy sideswept bangs! And look how it makes my blue eyes pop!

I love how I’m all trying to make some sort of Tyra-Banks-your-face-must-say-fierce kind of look. I was going to smile. But I just had some fruit punch Crystal Light and my teeth and entire mouth are red.

And also? Yes, that is my purple bra strap showing. Am one classy broad.

So yes. I love it. And it still shocks me every time I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. Like “oh, right. I’m not blonde anymore.”

colorscolorscolorscolorscolorscolorscolors 

Yeah. That thing is back again.

In other news. For those of you who made it past the hair. (Which according to my stats on Friday with the hair other post, isn’t a whole hell of a lot of you.) I lost 1.6 pounds this week! And I’m pretty damn excited about it! One, because it’s the first week back on the program and hard to get back into the routine of not eating entire cows in one sitting. And two, because I ate out twice on Saturday (both which involved chips and salsa. Which is my damn Kryptonite.) And I also had a few beers and was afraid I shot my good week all to hell. But I didn’t!

I’m sure the blonde hair weighed about 1.2 pounds.

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Schwerer and I went out Saturday night for dinner and decided to hit up a bar close to the restaurant because well, it’s a bit of a dive and has really, really cheap drinks. And we figured the Bears preseason game was on, so it should be a good time.

And boy howdy was it! This was a total townie bar. Seriously every single person in there knew each other. It was like Cheers. Some rocker dude with long hair and a leather vest (in August, seriously dude?) and people ran to him like he was Jesus. Hugging him. Patting him on the back. I was seriously convinced Jesus traded in the sandals and robe for a ratty T-shirt, jeans and a leather vest.

We played that online trivia thing with a couple of the local yokels. One didn’t have his teeth. It was fun trash-talking with them back and forth. And we full-on took advantage of when their eighth beer kicked in and their reaction time was slow. Yours truly won the last three games. That will teach you to get shitfaced and slow your motor skills! I so rule!

Also at the bar, sitting right next to Schwerer, trying to pick her up for a little something-something, was an old man. Now, I’m talking OLD. Like guy was easily in his late 60s. He looked like a grandpa. Of a 37-year old.

So old guy came in with a younger looking hillbilly (also maybe missing some teeth). We ASS-umed it was Grandpa and Grandson Night of Fun at the townie bar. When old man was asked this seemingly obvious question, he got visibly pissed and walked off. No. Seriously.

Being utterly confused by this totally obvious question, we finally asked Hillbilly Grandson, who informed us that NO! Stupid people! What the hell is wrong with you? We are NOT related! We’re roommates.

Obviously. That’s the only possible explanation in this situation.

Only in townie bars.

And we’re so going back soon.

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Finally, for those of you who think I’m just an exaggerating, whiney bastard when it comes to the heat. (Which isn’t too far from the truth.) Here is a photo of the candles that haven’t been lit in over a year. That have MELTED just from the HEAT inside my apartment!

Yes, ’tis sad. Pity welcomed. Not for me (well, of course me), but for the cats. And Bacon! He’s frying.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General | 14 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 9, 2007

So, I’m getting my hair did on Saturday afternoon. And I don’t know what to do with it. And I’m thinking I kind of want something different. And I’m actually considering *gasp* bangs!

Dun Dun Dun!

Seriously, I had bangs my ENTIRE life. I kid you not. From birth until I was 21 years old. I started growing them out right around college graduation time. I did the whole curl them under with a round brush kind of thing. Every. Frickin’. Day.

And now, since the ripe old age of 21, I have not had bangs. Because jeebus, they take a long time to grow out. Right now, my would-be bangs are about chin length. So they are actually shorter than the rest of my hair. But still not bangs.

But I’m not sure I’m ready to take the plunge.

And then I saw Amalah’s new do. And I thought again about bangs! Yes! Want them! (And not in a single white female kind of way at all.)

And then what to do with the rest of my hair. This cut works on me. But maybe it is time for something different? Maybe a new color? What. To. Do?

So this is essentially the ‘do I’m rocking right now. (I’d take a photo as of today, but it’s a bit frizzy and poofy what from all the HUMIDITY.)

This is more for color. But you can see the layers, etc.

See, it is a nice cut. Works with my face.

It’s actually quite weird. I’m not a big fan of change. I like routine. I’m very anal. I like things to be kept the same. But with my hair? I grow bored quite often. I feel it needs to be changed up every few months. Whereas most people wear the same damn hair style for years.

I went dark once. Probably a little over a year ago. It wasn’t that dark. Really close to my natural color. Which is the same color as my eyebrows. It was a nice change. My hairstylist won’t let me go too dark. You know, since I’m as pastey as a damn ghost.

Ack. Do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Besides next time write a REAL damn post?

Category: Lametown | 7 Comments »
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