Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on August 8, 2007

Breaking news! I found my future husband! And the kicker? He lives with his mother! Think of all the tall basketball-player babies we’ll have! Kiss my ass, Shaq! You and your tiny wife have nothing on me and Leonid. (We’ll have to change his name, of course.)

That’s THE most exciting thing I could think to write about. And I just saw that story when I logged on. So that tells you where this post is going.

I’ve decided I am the world’s worst person to be around when I am sick. I am like this whiney mess. The littlest things set me off. (Yet not the people I work with. At least today. Weird. They’re usually the first.) 

Like this morning, I was like on the brink of weeping. And really for no apparent reason except for the fucking heat! I know! Shut up already. YOU HATE HEAT! WE KNOW! But seriously, at seven in the morning, it should not be that hot and humid and sticky and how the fuck can my hair be wet already? I just dried it! So as I was getting all cry-ee about the heat and wah, now my hair is going to look even worse, and oh my God I don’t even want to go to work. (Are you imagining it in a whiney voice? It totally works better that way.)

So as I’m pushing the damn on button on the coffee maker, filling up the cats’ water bowl because for fuck’s sake if I don’t they will DIE, in these three seconds I’m out of my room where the AIR CONDITIONING is, I get all sweaty. And angry. And as I’m standing there, trying to cut my English muffin open because really? Fork-split my ass, Thomas. Well, as I’m M-F’ing Thomas and his muffins and wanting to stick my foot up all his nooks and crannies, I fucking slice my damn thumb open with the knife. Which then proceeds to soak blood into all those damn crannies.

This? Was not a good way to start a morning. A morning where you are still sick and any kind of exertion makes you tired. Like standing in the shower damn near puts you in a coma from the exhaustion. So at this point I’m already betting today will be a bad day.

It wasn’t too bad. People stayed away. Because of the cooties. Actually, they don’t ever talk to me. So this was actually par for the course. And perfectly fine with me. Because it leaves me more time to read blogs (which I was WAY behind on) and catch up on the feeds for Big Brother.

(Don’t even get me started on Big Brother. Because I’m not pleased with how things are going in the house. They are all a bunch of trashy pigs. And I think I want to punch them all in the face. And I sit there, like an out of body experience, thinking why, WHY, do you care about these people? This is what you want in reality television, you stupid whore. This is good television. Is entertaining. It’s why you watch. Who the hell cares who gets evicted? It really doesn’t matter.)

And then when I was driving home from work, I was trying a new way. And it turned out to be a WRONG way because there was more traffic and the damn intersection I was trying to avoid, I ended up having to go through anyway. Because I? Am that stupid. And this? Brought me to weepy tears. Because I am tired. And sick. And I just want to go home. Waaaahhhhh. (Seriously, get a grip, lady.)

But I am feeling a lot better today. And even now, tonight, I’m feeling better than I did this morning. So I think the medicine is working. And I haven’t been close to tears all evening. Well, except when Simba sat on Bacon and I couldn’t spin the bacon to ask a question and what if I made a horrible decision because my cat is jealous of a folder?

I think it is time to step away from the computer.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, General, Rants & Rants | 4 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 7, 2007

I’m sick. And I don’t think there is anything worse than being sick in the summer. Unless you’re sick in the summer and are forced to stay at home in an apartment with no air conditioning. (I’ve been running my small window unit in my bedroom and my electric bill is going to be out of control this month.)

I woke up about 3 AM on Monday feeling like a damn freight train came through the window and ran me the hell over and took no prisoners. I was all achy and had the chills and my tonsils swelled to the size of golf balls.

I called in sick on Monday. After more bouts with the chills and a fever last night, I just wasn’t up to going to work today either. Which was a good decision. Since the little effort I put forth to just go to the doctor today about beat me to a pulp. I was so damn tired from that hour I was at the urgent care and at the CVS down the street filling my prescription.

I like this urgent care doctor. She always gives me antibiotics. She never thinks it is strep throat, but she gives them to me anyway. Which will make me immune in 5 years against all antibiotics, but what the hell. I really think it is strep this time. But they won’t know for 3 days or something.

So that’s where I’ve been. Why I haven’t posted. Why I haven’t answered emails. No, I’m not a heinous bitch (at least this time) I’m just sick and really damn hot and sweaty. Stupid August sickness.

But I have kept up the WW. Mostly because the idea of swallowing anything besides water really made me was to stick nails in my eyeballs.

So at least I’ll be lighter at my next weigh in. I’ve got that going for me.

And now I’ll think twice the next time some hot 23-year old teacher from NYC wants to play tonsil hockey with me. Because it probably isn’t going to be worth it.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, General | 6 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 5, 2007

So today marked my first ever Weight Watchers meeting. And it went well. And I’m glad I joined. And I’m pretty sure it’s exactly what I needed to get back on track and lose this extra weight.

I think I mentioned it before that I need a support system and for something to make me feel liable for every damn thing I put in my mouth. When I first started, I did it online. But one of my friends at work was doing it at the same time. And I swear everyone who ate lunch with us just wanted us to shut the fuck up about how many damn points were in a banana!

And we didn’t just hang out at work, we hung out outside of work, which was quite helpful when you went out to eat and really, really wanted that 176th piece of bread.

There were others at work who had done it in the past, or were just so nice to sit and listen to me rambling on and on about shit I was putting in my mouth and the measuring! Holy hell the measuring!

I think I was on it consistently for about a year a half. After that time, I reached my goal and I knew enough that I didn’t need to pay $15 a month for it. Because damn! Eating healthy is expensive. This is why we’re an obese nation, people.

And then I got fired. When I moved home, I started to fall off the proverbial weight loss wagon. I was living with my brother and sister-in-law and a three year old kid. Who only likes grilled cheese and mac n’ cheese. Every day, I would finish off the mac n’ cheese leftovers from the pan. Damn near every day! So, so tasty. (I just accidentally spelled that T-A-S-T-E-Y. Damn you Fergie and your horseshit spelling abilities!)

I was sure it would get so much better when I finally got my own place. And it did, a little. But then I was dating someone and we ate out a lot. And then we broke up, and I kill the pain with food. And before I knew it, I got into a bad habit and what’s that saying? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?

And did you know bad habits are quite hard to break? Man, that would be such a great saying. Way better than birds and bushes. 

And then I was working at consulting place and we went out for lunch every day. And it was just more fun to eat out than pack a lunch. And new job has a cafeteria onsite. A cafeteria where I don’t eat soup and salad every day. A cafeteria where the healthiest thing I eat is Diet Coke.

And I’ve said I was back on the program many, many times before. And many, many times before, I fell off track. Because burritos? Are gooood.

But after going today to the meeting, I realized this is exactly what I needed. I feel that desire to SUCCEED like I did when I started WW the first time. There are people there that are all in the same boat as me. I have my friend that I’m going with that I can complain and bitch to. And! They weigh you every week! And give quite disapproving looks when you FAIL! If that doesn’t keep me on my toes, I don’t know what will.

And I’m writing down everything I eat. And I’m back to measuring things. Especially since no matter what way you slice it, drenching your salad in ranch is never only one tablespoon. But damn I got good with convincing myself that two servings equals the same amount. And that is why you have no pants that fit, Fatty McHugeArse.

So I went grocery shopping. And I made my lunch for tomorrow. And I’m going to do this. I don’t have nearly as much to lose as last time. I know it can be done. I will do it.

And if I don’t lose weight from WW, it will be from sweating off 17 pounds in this damn heat. I’m actually excited to go back to work tomorrow. Because air conditioning? Is not a luxury.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, General, WW | 11 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 2, 2007

I’m trying to post something funny and good. But someone, who has NO right, called me a bitch tonight and told me I was the rudest person he’s ever met. I would like to reiterate that this person HAS NO ROOM TO TALK.

*Ahem* Anyway. I also got asked tonight if I have a sense of humor. And I got way more upset about that than the bitch comment. I sent that person to the blog for further study.

So at work today, whilst being bored as I usually am these days, I ventured over to Cafe Press. This site is awesome for things you didn’t think you needed but realized you MUST HAVE. Like a St. Patty’s Day shirt that says Drink Up, Bitches!

And I saw some shirts for birthdays, so I took a look. And oh my hell! I stumbled upon a goldmine. They have all these shirts for monumental birthdays. Like, say, a 30th birthday.

So since there are so many, I thought I would ask y’all’s opinions and see which one I should buy. Because they are all good! You’re all winners!

Up first, Contestant #1. A very general way of declaring that me? Yes, I am 30.

Contestant #2.With my tendency to swear, I thought this mighty appropriate.

Contestant #3. Kinda makes my quest to make out with someone quite easy.

Contestant #4. Quite cheestastic, but still I think it could get some good make out material. Or free drinks. Which really? That’s all I’m looking for. (Although, let’s be honest. I cannot buy this shirt. There is OBVIOUSLY a period missing after something.)

Contestant #5. (Yes, there are way too many of these. I cannot make decisions.) I will be expecting an answer to this question, should this be the shirt I choose.

Contestant #6. (Yes, still more.) Only works if I actually lose this damn weight on WW. And I’m not sure I want to be hearing snarky comments that offer dissenting opinions to this shirt. Even shitfaced I am a little insecure.

Contestant #7. This just made me giggle. Like the nerd I am.

Contestant #8. This requires math. Which drunk people are no good at doing.

And FINALLY, Contestant #9. My personal favorite. Because who doesn’t like a free boob grab? Except, really, whose boobs are that high? I’m 30! Not 12, for fuck’s sake. (And I’m also sure they aren’t that close together either.)

(Says “I’m 30 & I feel great – Feel for yourself!”)

So what do you think? I need some help. Leave your choice in the comments. You too, lurkers! I know who you are!

I’m really leaning towards #9. Especially since when I get drunk, I quite like to encourage random people to grab my boobs. Now, I don’t even have to ask. It says it RIGHT THERE! Which means? I can be all drinky-drinky while getting a grabby-grabby.

And all of you attending? Thank your lucky stars that I am poor because I was going to make you all shirts. But then focus would be off of me. And why would I PAY money to do that?

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General | 16 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 1, 2007

I would like to point out that I’ve really tried to be a good blogger and have tried to post every day. Except weekends. Because you know what? No one reads on weekends. Seriously. I get like 16 hits. Which is just depressing. Couldn’t you just log on just to even see if I posted?

Actually, it’s fine because I don’t usually have the time or the energy. Or anything to write about. Since I’m usually drunk.

Why am I mentioning this? Besides for just some more letters to fill the page? Because I didn’t post last night. What? You didn’t notice? Sure you did. I see you there refreshing 100 times a day. (No. I don’t.) But I went to the Cubs game last night with Senor Beavis. And the Cubs won. (Yay!) And Greg Brady sang the national anthem. (Awesome!) And Peter AND Greg sang the 7th inning stretch. (Double yay!) (Oh, it was 70s night.)

Senor Beavis has actually never seen The Brady Bunch. (Yes, I passed out in my seat for about 10 minutes, whilst he was fanning me back to life, after he told this to me. To quote The Princess Bride “Inconceivable!”) And Senor was all like “he can sing?” And I proceeded to start singing “We’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancing all through the night…” But it was wasted on his non-Silver Platters knowing brain, so I stopped. (But when I saw Peter Brady singing, I then had “Sha Na Na Nah Na Na Na Nah Na” in the head the rest of my night. Complete with a Peter voice-crack vocal.)

And the batteries were out on my camera. Otherwise I? Would have been a stalker. One, to rub it in Teri’s face and, two, for the best Christmas card this side of Mark Grace. We’ll meet again, Greg Brady. We shall meet again.

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I need more color in my life. And really? That’s such a good break between random thoughts. And yes, I stole it from Amalah’s gahgahgahgahgah or whatever it was.

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So today, I finally called the venue for my upcoming PARTAY for my 30th birthday. My birthday is actually September 14th (send presents!), but since I have lots of out of town peeps, I thought it would be better to plan it over Labor Day weekend. To give them more days for the money in America’s greatest city. (Seriously, it says that on our city stickers.) (No, it doesn’t. It SHOULD.)

Most people have a day to celebrate their birthday. Even the monumental ones. I, my friends, am having a full weekend of festivities. It’s KJ-Palooza, if you will. (My birthday is seriously my most favorite day of the year. Hands down.)

Anyway, so we will be doing something Friday night (still up in the air), do some awesome Chicago touristy things during the day Saturday, an awesome party at a bar in the City on Saturday night and a Cubs game on Sunday. A WHOLE weekend. No lie.

But I finally secured the place for Saturday night. It’s a bar on Southport that has a New Orleans theme. So I’ve secured the upstairs room, that has like a semi-balcony thingy that looks out on to the street. It may just be windows. Whatever. Regardless, it’s our own room and it will be good times. You are all invited. (Seriously, any people who read this that aren’t on the evite, email me or comment and you’re on the list.) (As if I’m that popular.)

But I’m super excited because my best friend Julie will be here. My great friend Amber will be here from Seattle. Chundley will hopefully be coming into town. (I hope the flights work out!) And all my great friends and family from Chicago will be there too. It’s going to be a blast! I can’t wait!

(I’ll be sending the evite out from work. Since I really don’t have much else to do.)

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I wore these brown shoes to work today that are super cute, but the plastic thingy that goes on the heel fell off. Sometime when I was in Coon Rapids, MN. I have no idea how or where it happened.

Anyway, I wore those shoes today, since it’s been like weeks since my Minnesota trip, therefore have forgotten every damn thing except “Julie & Joe’s house is so cute!” and “Northwest sucks!” And the little plastic heel-thingy covered some sort of metal rod.

So basically every time I walked around today I felt like a damn peg-legged pirate. Aaarrggghhh matey!

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Because I have the will power of a (insert something that has very little will power), I have decided to start going to Weight Watchers meetings.

About four years ago (jeebus, has it been four years already?) I started Weight Watchers when I was one obese mother fucker living in a fantasy world where I was the skinny one because everyone else looked like Star Jones before she lied about having gastric bypass surgery. Anyway, I was very successful and got down to a healthy weight and dropped a bunch of poundage.

Somehow in the last year or so, since I’ve been back home, I’ve managed to start gaining back all that weight. There are a few factors. I eat out too much. I think I might drink more here. The good food in Chicago is NOT good for you (i.e. pizza, beef, sausage, etc.) And I’ve become a lazy fuck.

I know everything there is to know about WW. I know all the points in almost every single piece of food I put in my mouth. So I figured, I could just get back to counting the points and be all good. I even signed up online again (which was how I did it the first time.)

No such luck. I’m good for like 3 days and after that I cheat. And I don’t just cheat like I eat a Snickers bar. I fucking binge and eat half of the menu at the Mexican place around the corner.

This is not good. I now need something different. What I’m doing OBVIOUSLY isn’t working, since my damn pants continue not to fit.

So a friend of mine (won’t mention her name in case she doesn’t want people to know) goes to the meetings and I’m going to start going with her. And I have a buddy to now keep me responsible. Which is what I had in California when I did it the first time. So I will succeed. I WILL!

And fuck you Rich. I’m starting to go to the gym too.

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You know what US Weekly? I’m a devoted reader. I sing your praises everywhere. But when you start documenting LC’s weight loss (which is SIX FUCKING POUNDS) I don’t want to hear it.

And LC? You don’t need to lose weight. You need to eat a damn sammich. And punch Heidi and Spencer in the face.

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On Friday when I was driving home from the Target, I saw this new high-rise something or other on Peterson. Turns out it’s an apartment complex for seniors “55 and older!” Too bad the damn building overlooks the cemetery. Yeah, that’s encouraging. “Come live across the street from where you’ll end up for all eternity!”

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I have to go. For one, it’s fucking hot in here. (Yeah, yeah, you complain about that all the time.) (Shut up self!)

No seriously, it’s really oppressive in here. It’s so bad that my candles? They melt. Without being LIT. No shit.

Plus, it’s time for live-blogging over on MamaPop Talk for Top Chef. And we drink! All together! And I make friends. ‘Tis a good waste of time.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General | 5 Comments »
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