Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on November 23, 2007

I’m leaving for St. Louis in an hour or so. And since I’m going down to see Rich and when the two of us get together drunk doesn’t even begin to describe the debauchery, I should post something now. Because there is no way I can fail with this posting every day thing now. That would just be pathetic. Because there is like a week to go.

My Thanksgiving was good. It was a crappy ending, with the stupid Trojans spanking my Sun Devils. Even though the Sparky pitchforking a turkey leg at midfield was really cute. Except replace the turkey with the Sun Devils defense, and then that’s more like how the game was.

I had the best time yesterday with my niece Skyler. We had a dance party down in the basement. To get out of the way in the kitchen, we went downstairs and turned on the radio and the dancing commenced. Skyler loves to dance and it was the highlight of my day just hanging out downstairs with her and jumping around and shaking our heads and drinking wine. Wait, the wine was just me.

And I had a great time playing with my two nephews too. Who are such boys and play so good together. And the best was when they mobbed me and smothered me with kisses.

The food was great. The turkey was awesome and NOT dry. I got my headlight bulb changed. Overall it was just a great day with family and great food! And I think I only got yelled at a few times. Which might be a record.

And now I’m off to drink and drive. Well, not together. First I drive. Then I park. And then the drinking. Lots and lots of drinking.

Category: NaBloPoMo | 7 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I hope everyone is enjoying a wonderful day of eating and drinking and spending time with those they love. Or at least tolerate. With copious amounts of alcohol.

I figure instead of talking about how stupid turkeys are?and why God was doing them a favor by making them the centerpiece of a holiday meal, that I will list out things I am thankful for this holiday.

• I am thankful for bullets. And the fact that bullets are the lazy man’s cop out on real blog posts.
• I am thankful that I am home for Thanksgiving. I spent a lot of Thanksgivings away from home and it is nice to be with my family. Even if my mom’s turkey is always a little dry. (Keep reading mom. I say nice things.)
• I am thankful for alcohol. (See above re: spending time with family.)
• I am thankful for some of the best friends money can buy, especially those not in Illinois. We don’t get to see each other every weekend any more, but God I miss you. Can’t wait for our hypothetical New Year’s!
• I am thankful for still being close, if not closer, to friends from high school. Because you guys have seen me through it all.
• I am thankful for all of you reading this right now. And for your comments. I don’t think I can ever express how awesome all of this is.
• I am thankful for having a job. For right now. Because that is one more day I have a paycheck to pay the bills.
• I am thankful for nieces and nephews.
• I am thankful for people who wax your hair, specifically your eyebrow hair and bikini line. Because that means I don’t have to do it and fuck it up.
• I am thankful for spandex. And its stretching qualities. And for manufacturers putting spandex in pants. For those of us who gain 30 pounds and refuse to?buy new pants.
• I am thankful for my brother and sister-in-law. For so many things.
• I am thankful for my mom. I lucked out that day when they were handing out Moms to the new babies.
• I am thankful for laptops and wireless internet. Although it leads to inactivity. But at least I keep the Spandex makers in business.
• I am thankful for reality TV. What we did before you, I don’t know. Yes, I’m all for the writers and WANT them to come back because I watch a lot of non-reality shows. But I can’t give up my reality TV. Even when The Bachelor is a huge ass. Good luck with relationships now, douche bag.
• I am thankful for the internet. Because I have met so many cool people in the last year through blogs, etc.
• I am thankful?for MamaPop open threads and MamaPop Talk. Which gets me through the slow days.
• I am thankful for grapes and the genius who decided to ferment them into wine. You are my God.
• I am thankful for holidays with days off. Because I sure was in need of one.

And finally,

• I am thankful NaBloPoMo is almost over.

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! Be safe, happy and full of yummy food!

Category: NaBloPoMo | 9 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 21, 2007

I am a Sun Devil. Loud and proud. Did I mention LOUD?

I never knew what school spirit was until I started college. In high school, we just kind of sucked all around in pretty much every sport. Our football team went to the playoffs one year, I think. But having to march at EVERY. DAMN. HOME GAME, I made it my goal not to wish them well. Because I hated you for having games. And making us perform. Because our fight song was stupid. And we had to play it a lot. We spelled our name. L-A-K-E P-A-R-K, Lake Park, Lake Park, go team go!

Ahem.

So when I got to college we had football games! And basketball games! And we were on TV! And playing teams like Nebraska! And whoo boy, I was like a pig in slop. My freshman year I was an usher at ASU and Arizona Cardinals home games. (Nerd, I know.) But because Sun Devil Stadium hosted Super Bowl XXX that year, if you worked every home game, you got to work the Super Bowl. BONUS! Which I did. And it was awesome! But that is not the point of this post.

But I was very excited to jump into college athletics. And going to games. And the camaraderie. And loving the fact that we had an honest to goodness rivalry. And I could just hate a team just because. And later learned to hate them because what stupid ass goes to school in Tuscon? It’s the armpit of America. Even the people in Pullman, Washington laugh at you.

My sophomore year in 1996 was the clincher. I started working for the media relations department, working as an employee at home sporting events. This was like serving up a plate full of fried dough to a fat person. On top of that, we also went undefeated that year. And went to the Rose Bowl. And were 1:19 away from winning the National Championship. I was in love. With the Sun Devils. Totally head over heels.

My love just grew and grew in my final years of college. My senior year,?I?got ASU’s mascot, Sparky, tattooed on my right ankle. It was less than a week before my brother’s wedding. And still the most rebellious thing I’ve ever done. And something I will never regret. My blood bleeds maroon and gold and I can’t imagine a day I’ll be embarrassed to show off my Sparky tattoo. Except when I’m 80 and it’s wrinkly Sparky. From the saggy skin. And still then? I’ll just be embarrassed that I should have worked out more in my youth to avoid the wrinkly, saggy skin. Or eaten more green vegetables or something.

During this time I started to concoct my perfect wedding. You know, because I was single, never had a boyfriend?and totally NOT dating anyone. So clearly, a perfect time to start thinking about your ideal wedding. If not then, when?

MY wedding was going to have a Sun Devil feel. And then the ideas just started flowing. And by ideas I mean the crazy that lay deep within the recesses of my mind.

It started with simply having maroon and gold as my wedding colors. And then it became the girls wearing maroon dresses with gold sashes. And then it went further. The guys would have Sparky on the ties and vests on their tuxes.

Oh, it gets better. And by better, I mean the bat shit insanity that I’ve drunk from the Crazy Glass.

Let’s discuss my dress. My beautiful wedding dress. It was going to have a lace overlay. Pretty, right? But that overlay would be embroidered with Sparkys all along the bottom. Oh and my beautiful dress? Would hit above the ankle, so tattoo Sparky could be seen. In all his glory.

It goes even further. Sadly.

So the ladies? They won’t be carrying flowers. No. No flowers. They will be carrying those maroon and gold pom pons. Preferably those free ones they hand out at games. Because I’m on a budget, people. The custom made ties and vests, not to mention the custom made dress, that’s going to cost a pretty penny.

And here comes the best part. When I walk down the aisle, they will not be playing that Here Comes the Bride shit. It will be the ASU fight song. And you are all encouraged to sing along. Otherwise, I would be upset. And it’s MY DAY!

Just picture it. A packed church. All the pews filled with my friends, family and biggest fans. (Except, not really. I’m not getting married in a church. Those ceremonies are WAY too long. Unless it is the cute church Matt & Betsey got married in.)

The ASU fight song starts to play. My Sun Devils in attendance start to sing along “Fight Devils?down?the field…” (Don’t worry, the?programs will have the words. You’ll all be able to sing along. Don’t?forget to make the letters A-S-U with your arms at the end. Watch the people with their arms in the air. Follow their lead.)?At this point, after the shock of the fight song has worn off, everyone stands up and turns to the back of the church. The big wooden doors (possibly the same door Martin Luther nailed his shit to) open and there I am. Take it in. The sunlight streaming in behind me. Making a sort of halo effect. On me and my dress. With the DEVILS on it. The entire?church singing about the Devils. And fighting. It’s blasphemy at its best,?people.

You all see the?first image of me in my Sparky dress, pom pons in hand. And then my escort comes in. My dad is dead, so he’s not walking me down the aisle. So everyone waits to see who got the honor of walking me down the aisle on one of the biggest days of my life.

The crowd gasps. It’s not my brother. Is that (gasp) SPARKY?????? Decked out in a maroon and gold tuxedo?

It is. And he walks me down the aisle. We make it to the altar, just as the fight song is finishing. And the choir of attendants is joyfully singing “A-S-U! A-S-U! Give ’em hell Devils.” (Now you see why the church won’t work.) And after someone revives my very religious grandmother,?the ceremony begins.

So yeah, how pathetic is that? I’m sure there are more details I have purposely omittedforgotten. Don’t worry, Chundley, Julie and Lori will remind me and all of us. Because this shit is priceless. And only serves the purpose to be thrown back in someone’s face in a mocking fashion. Because, seriously? I’m crazy.

Don’t worry. This has ALL changed. I think the only thing I might stick with is maroon and gold as colors. But probably not. I will choose color probably based on season and what dresses I like best for the bridesmaids. Oh and you know, if I EVER EVEN GET ENGAGED.

/bat shit craziness

But at least crazy comes complete with cute.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, I Bleed Maroon And Gold, NaBloPoMo | 12 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 20, 2007

We were sitting at a bar tonight, celebrating the fact that we all still have jobs, at least for one more day, and we started talking about Michael Jordan. And the talk turned to how he’s probably one of the most attractive men in the world and that he was a crazy womanizer. As evidenced by his recent divorce. And one of the people I was with hadn’t heard the rumors, nay truth, that our beloved Michael Jordan was a cheating dog.

And it got me to thinking about how we have these images of our favorite athletes and celebrities.

Having worked in sports, I was privy to a lot of information because I knew a lot of people in the media who knew the real story.?And there were the ones of our own players that I would have cared NOT to know about. In the case of Jordan,?I was constantly being bombarded with tidbits about his um, habits and, um, indiscretions. And I would always stop the conversation before ANY INFORMATION was said. Michael Jordan is a God among men. And he can do no wrong. He does NOT gamble, he did NOT cheat on his wife and he is totally an upstanding citizen.

Well, unfortunately the news media did NOT listen to me. And they felt compelled to divulge this information to me. And you know what? Who cares? Because it doesn’t take away from anything he did on the court. And I’d totally sleep with him if he asked. So pretty.

It’s crazy how these normal people are built up in our minds. I told people tonight my story of meeting Mike Singletary. He was hired by the Niners about a week before I was let go. (Actually I just looked and it was 10 days.) As much as I hate, and hated, Mike Nolan, I was so excited for Singletary to be one of the coaches on Nolan’s underwhelming coaching staff. This was Samurai Mike! From the 85 Bears! Maybe he’d sing the Super Bowl Shuffle!

The weird thing is that in my mind, he was always going to be the larger-than-life Mike Singletary. The Mike Singletary?from when I was eight. I imagined he was about seven feet tall with muscles as big as my entire body. The man HAD to be huge! Even still today! 20 years later!

So on the day we hired him, I was so nervous to meet him. I had to go introduce myself. And I did, all prepared to tell him that I was such a big fan and from Chicago and was so excited to meet him and God 85 was a great year and the best team ever and do you know Jim McMahon? Pretty much everything you SHOULDN’T do as a PR person for an NFL team. At least if you plan?to get any respect. Especially as a woman.

But I don’t think I told him any of this. Because I? Was taller than Mike Singletary. Me! It damn near broke my heart. Image. Shattered.

Although I still think he is one of the nicest people ever and just hearing him speak made me want to strap on the pads and go out and win some football games for him. Even after the Niners had just finished 2-14.

And then I started to think about all my other Pedestal People. One of them is Jim McMahon.

Swoon.

He’s the punky QB. And the start of a long line of China Doll quarterbacks for the Bears (see: Rex Grossman).? And I don’t even think I can do justice to my McLovin for McMahon. At least in writing. And in the least embarrassing way possible.

I have read his biography more than 5 times. I used to wear sunglasses like his. I had a McMahon calendar (yes, they made them) and my room was covered in his posters. When he was traded to San Diego in 1989, I immediately became a Chargers fan. When I was ushering Arizona Cardinals games as a freshman in college, I saw him, from a short distance, during a preseason game with the Browns. I almost fainted from the pure joy.

And here’s the thing. He’s apparently the world’s biggest asshole. And I’ve tried to not hear these stories, but how can you think a guy who moons a camera is?the sweet, innocent type? Even I’m not that stupid.?But I’ll hear nothing of it. I know two newspaper guys who covered him in San Diego. And have some horrible, horrible stories. I won’t even let them tell me. Because Jim McMahon will always be King of Kristabellaland.

Jim McMahon is also a huge fan of beer. Which totally explains the attraction.

Category: NaBloPoMo, Sports | 13 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 19, 2007

Recently when IMing with Alynda, she pointed me to this website. It’s got writing prompts. For those days when you just can’t think of anything relatively interesting to write about. And when she sent it I’m sure my initial reaction was “whatever. Will never need this. Am full of ideas.”

Well, I’m full of many things. On any given day it could be wine, beer, Mexican food, shit and always snark. But ideas? I’m never full of them. And this WriteEveryDayForTheMonth thing is really starting to suck the life and creativity right out of me. Which again, I’m full of shit because let’s not pretend pre-November I was writing anything different.

So today’s random prompt generator gave me this:?

“Who answers a question with a question?? Write a fictional conversation between two characters or people you actually know.? The characters/people are only allowed to speak in questions.? How long can you keep the conversation interesting?” (I think you’ll be able to answer this question with “not long” once you get to the end.)

At first I was going pass it up. Because it is kind of as dumb as the Friday 5 and their craptastic offerings. But then I remembered that this party trick is one of my favorite skits on Who’s Line is it Anyway? Which? Is a question.

Scene: Solider Field on a Sunday during football season. Our two characters, Belinda and Farquar, are watching the Bears take on the Atlanta Falcons.

B: Who’s playing?

F: In this game?

B Is there another game?

F: Are the Bears playing?

B: Didn’t I ask you?

F: What?

B: Are those birds on their helmets?

F: Are they Eagles?

B: Aren’t the Eagles in Philadelphia?

F: When did you learn so much about football?

B: Didn’t you know I used to sell beer at hockey games?

F: What does that have to do with football?

B: Aren’t all sports the same?

F: So what team did?you?sell beer for?

B: Who is the hockey team in Philadelphia?

F: Do you actually think I know the answer to that question?

B: Why are we friends again?

F: Didn’t we just meet today?

B: Did we?

F: Didn’t we?

B: Did you hear that?

F: What?

B: Is that a fight song?

F: Did they just say they were the ‘pride and joy of Illinois’?

B: Who says that?

F: Are you kidding me?

B: What?

F: Did that just say ‘we’ll never forget the way you thrilled the nation’?

B: ‘With your T-formation’?

F: Seriously?

B: Are we winning?

F: Who are we rooting for?

B: Which team doesn’t have Rex Grossman?

F: The bird team?

B: What does the C stand for?

F: Charlotte?

B: Is that the beer guy?

F: What do you want?

B: Do they have Miller Lite?

F: You drink Miller Lite?

B: Do you have a better idea?

F: Is he out of Miller Lite?

B: What else does he have in that tray?

F: Are those kittens?

B: He has kittens in the beer tray?

F: Is that why he’s out of Miller Lite?

B: Would someone really ask for a MGD and a side of kitty?

F: I can has beer kitteh?

B: Do you go to that website?

F: Which website?

B: What is it called?

F: What were we talking about?

B: Were you just distracted by that hot chick in a bikini?

F: Who wears a bikini to a game?

B: Correction, who wears a bikini to a football game in Chicago in December?

F: Wow, how stupid is she?

B: Well, wasn’t her mission asscomplished?

F: What do you mean?

B: Didn’t we all just stop watching the game to watch her?

F: You think she might be in Mensa?

B: You think a bikini in December is genius?

F: You don’t?

B: What do you think?

F: I’m thinking I need something to eat, do you want something?

B: Are you buying?

F: Is that appropriate?

B: What do you mean?

F: Didn’t we just meet?

B: Do you have Alzheimer’s?

F: Can you get it before you’re 30?

B: You’re under 30?

F: Why?

B: How old are you?

F: Why does it matter?

B: Can’t you just tell me?

F: How about if I said I’m closer to 30 than 20?

B: How about if I gave you a knuckle sandwich?

F: What?

B: What?

F: Who says that?

B: What?

F: A knuckle sandwich, are you 75?

B: Don’t I look good for my age?

F: Do your boobs sag?

B: Like without a bra?

F: How would I know?

B: Didn’t you just ask?

F: Do your nipples hit your waistband?

B: Is that a bad thing?

F: What is the right answer to this question?

B: Are you serious right now?

F: What?

B: You actually think I’m 75?

F: Should I answer this question?

B: That depends, are you hungry?

F: Why?

B: For a knuckle sandwich?

F: Are you for real right now?

B: Do you know anything?

F: What do you think?

B: You really want me to answer that?

F: Can we change the subject?

B: Why? Are you scared?

F: Do you like Nelly?

B: The rapper?

F: Isn’t he from St. Louis?

B: In Missouri?

F: Is there another St. Louis?

B: I don’t know, is there?

F:?Do you realize how irritating this is?

B: This conversation?

F: Would you punch?me if I said yes?

B: Would you push me down the stairs if I punched you?

F: Would I get thrown in the stadium jail?

B: Do they have a stadium jail?

F: Shouldn’t they put Rex Grossman in there?

B: Why? Because he sucks?

F: Doesn’t he fumble a lot?

B: Wouldn’t?you?

F: Isn’t he making a ton of money?

B: What’s that saying?

F: Which one?

B: Is it money makes you stupid?

F:?Or is it money can’t buy you smarty pants?

B: Now you’re just making shit up.

Oh for the love of God this might be one of the?worst posts ever. Maybe I’ll win a prize for stupidest NaBloPoMo post.

It. Had. To. Stop.

I’m going out after work tomorrow,?so please, if there is a God,?someone will fall. Or I’ll?piss my pants. Or trip over the cats. ANYTHING!?

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging, NaBloPoMo | 12 Comments »
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