This Pedestal Is Kind Of High

Posted By on November 20, 2007

We were sitting at a bar tonight, celebrating the fact that we all still have jobs, at least for one more day, and we started talking about Michael Jordan. And the talk turned to how he’s probably one of the most attractive men in the world and that he was a crazy womanizer. As evidenced by his recent divorce. And one of the people I was with hadn’t heard the rumors, nay truth, that our beloved Michael Jordan was a cheating dog.

And it got me to thinking about how we have these images of our favorite athletes and celebrities.

Having worked in sports, I was privy to a lot of information because I knew a lot of people in the media who knew the real story.?And there were the ones of our own players that I would have cared NOT to know about. In the case of Jordan,?I was constantly being bombarded with tidbits about his um, habits and, um, indiscretions. And I would always stop the conversation before ANY INFORMATION was said. Michael Jordan is a God among men. And he can do no wrong. He does NOT gamble, he did NOT cheat on his wife and he is totally an upstanding citizen.

Well, unfortunately the news media did NOT listen to me. And they felt compelled to divulge this information to me. And you know what? Who cares? Because it doesn’t take away from anything he did on the court. And I’d totally sleep with him if he asked. So pretty.

It’s crazy how these normal people are built up in our minds. I told people tonight my story of meeting Mike Singletary. He was hired by the Niners about a week before I was let go. (Actually I just looked and it was 10 days.) As much as I hate, and hated, Mike Nolan, I was so excited for Singletary to be one of the coaches on Nolan’s underwhelming coaching staff. This was Samurai Mike! From the 85 Bears! Maybe he’d sing the Super Bowl Shuffle!

The weird thing is that in my mind, he was always going to be the larger-than-life Mike Singletary. The Mike Singletary?from when I was eight. I imagined he was about seven feet tall with muscles as big as my entire body. The man HAD to be huge! Even still today! 20 years later!

So on the day we hired him, I was so nervous to meet him. I had to go introduce myself. And I did, all prepared to tell him that I was such a big fan and from Chicago and was so excited to meet him and God 85 was a great year and the best team ever and do you know Jim McMahon? Pretty much everything you SHOULDN’T do as a PR person for an NFL team. At least if you plan?to get any respect. Especially as a woman.

But I don’t think I told him any of this. Because I? Was taller than Mike Singletary. Me! It damn near broke my heart. Image. Shattered.

Although I still think he is one of the nicest people ever and just hearing him speak made me want to strap on the pads and go out and win some football games for him. Even after the Niners had just finished 2-14.

And then I started to think about all my other Pedestal People. One of them is Jim McMahon.



He’s the punky QB. And the start of a long line of China Doll quarterbacks for the Bears (see: Rex Grossman).? And I don’t even think I can do justice to my McLovin for McMahon. At least in writing. And in the least embarrassing way possible.

I have read his biography more than 5 times. I used to wear sunglasses like his. I had a McMahon calendar (yes, they made them) and my room was covered in his posters. When he was traded to San Diego in 1989, I immediately became a Chargers fan. When I was ushering Arizona Cardinals games as a freshman in college, I saw him, from a short distance, during a preseason game with the Browns. I almost fainted from the pure joy.

And here’s the thing. He’s apparently the world’s biggest asshole. And I’ve tried to not hear these stories, but how can you think a guy who moons a camera is?the sweet, innocent type? Even I’m not that stupid.?But I’ll hear nothing of it. I know two newspaper guys who covered him in San Diego. And have some horrible, horrible stories. I won’t even let them tell me. Because Jim McMahon will always be King of Kristabellaland.

Jim McMahon is also a huge fan of beer. Which totally explains the attraction.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to β€œHey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


13 Responses to “This Pedestal Is Kind Of High”

  1. Yeah, remember how you went and ruined my childhood image of Jerry Rice? Ha…

    But want to know my athlete childhood crush? Pete Sampras. No, really.

    Not an athlete, but I totally believe Tom Hanks is faithful. He said that his wife was the best thing to ever happen to THE PLANET. When he is shown to be a lying cheater, I’ll stop breathing. ON THE SPOT.

  2. alyndabear says:

    I wish I knew these people, because then I could totally empathise with your idolising them. It goes both way though – I think the most gorgeous footy stars here are Luke Rooney & Sonny Bill Williams. Know of ’em? πŸ˜‰

    I do know of Jordan though. Not completely insane.

  3. Jules says:

    KJ: I barely made the midnight deadline for tonight’s NaBloPoMoFo. I thought of you as I was sweating it out…
    House of Jules

  4. Mahnee says:

    I’m so glad I talked you out of stabbing yourself in the eye with a fork so you could TOTALLY be like McMahon.

  5. Lori says:

    Me thinks you should go work for Da Bears. πŸ™‚

  6. Ree says:

    You know that your stories are way better than mine, but here’s one. Okay, two.

    The Thursday before Super Bowl 40, I was coming back from Chicago and Mike Ditka was sitting in front of me. He put his seat back and I immediately texted Mr. Hot and said “Mike Ditka’s head is in my lap. He’s freakin’ huge.”

    Then, when I landed, I was telling the driver about sitting behind Ditka. He told me that right before he picked me up, he picked up Jim McMahon. So, yes, my ass touched the same leather that your Mclovin McMahon had just vacated.


  7. Katie says:

    Funny story to share…my best friend met Scotty Pippen in a bar in DC last year and he asked her to come back to his hotel room with him. She denied him! Ha! She said it was a way better story to tell that she turned him down than if she would have slept with him.

  8. and let’s not get started on your boy, from the dub i might add, t.p. (tony parrish)! one nut and all!

  9. Schwerer says:

    I’m the punky QB known as McMahon, when I hit the turf, I ain’t got no plan, I just throw my body all over the field…. I can’t believe I know this and the entire rest of the song, SAD, I say SAD!

    There should be consumption of alcohol, perhaps at the our fave dive bar this weekend?

  10. Rob says:

    There is nothing wrong with having hero’s.

    Since most of my hero’s are writers, engineers or pilots I already know they are geeks going in so I am never disappointed in how they look! πŸ™‚

  11. Scarlet says:

    I used to play tennis in high school with a heart locket that had a picture of Pete Sampras in it.

    I really like Kobe Bryant and didnt want to hear anything that chick had to say about him.

  12. Julie C says:

    Yep, reminds me of my hero worship for Kirby… I will always love #34, so I know what you mean.

    Anytime I’m exposed to media coverage about alleged groping or this or that, I cover my ears with my hands and shake my head back and forth, ‘noooooooo.’

    R.I.P. Kirby. Love you, man.

  13. It’s always sad finding out that someone you thought so much of is really a piece of crap. NOT that Jordan is, but you know what I mean!