Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on March 4, 2008

First off, I would like to talk about milk. I did not realize that people had such strong feelings about milk. But I would like to clarify, that I love milk. It does a body good. And it is so tasty. I don’t just drink it with meals. Sometimes I just drink it for the hell of it. A big, tall glass. And that apparently disgusts a lot of you. And that is just weird to me.

I am going to be sure to ask Bacon his feelings on milk. Seeing as you either love it or hate it. I think it’s moo-riffic! 

~~~~~~

Now on with the show!

So back when I was living in Northern California, almost all of my friends worked in sports. It just happened to work that way. A lot of my friends were co-workers at the 49ers and my other friends were all old co-workers from the athletic department at ASU. Seriously, I moved to Cali in 1999 and three of the people I worked with in the sports information office moved up all at the same time the following year.

My BFF Julie worked, at the time, at the Pacific-10 Conference, which is located in lovely Walnut Creek. She worked in media relations and handled a myriad of things, but mostly women’s basketball. And the Pac-10 Championships for women’s hoops. Which are always held the week before the men’s in early March, right around this time.

Since she was so involved with the women’s tournament, she wasn’t required to work at the men’s tournament, which was held in Los Angeles. She was encouraged to attend and show support for the conference and all that bullshit. Being my BFF, she went down to partake of the free beer in the hospitality room.

In March of 2003, she asked if I wanted to come along. It is a short-ish drive from San Jose to LA, I had a free place to stay and did I mention that there was free alcohol? This kid (points to self) will drive just about anywhere for free brewskies. So color me drunk and I was on my merry way!

I get there late on Friday night, after jamming to Justin Timberlake’s first solo album, Justified, on my drive down I-5 in some of the worst fog I have ever seen. (And really, with all the booze I’ve consumed in my life, this is what I remember?) I get to the hotel just after the games have ended for the day and meet Julie in the hospitality room. I’m not actually even sure that I brought my bag up to the room or worried about parking the car. I might have sprinted to the free beer all while singing Senorita.

We have a few beers there and close it down. The Pac-10 is not stupid. They aren’t going to let media and tournament people drink for free all night. They have limitations. So we head across the street to the hotel bar at the other media hotel for the tournament. That’s apparently where the big whigs were staying. Ergo, not Julie and I.

After a few respectable drinks in the bar closing down that bar, and having my first, and last, ever tasting of Sambuca, we are invited up to the REAL hospitality suite. This is an actual suite and not just some lame room in the hotel lobby. This is where all the Pac-10 muckity mucks and the university presidents and athletic directors have been imbibing some libations during the week.

At this point, it is well after 2 AM, which is closing time in California. We have seen last call come and go. Apparently no one told the people in this suite because there was still plenty of alcohol. And the beer was being brought up by the case still after 3 in the morning. By the hotel staff. And I wasn’t one to argue law and statutes with the fine hotel people in Los Angeles.

We are all just sitting around, shooting the shit, discussing how this year every good team got knocked out of the conference tournament early and this is why we shouldn’t have a conference tournament, blah, blah, blah. We’re in LA! Let’s talk about celebrities!

As I’m sitting there, I see a guy I work with at the Niners. This guy is a douchebag. And he is a UCLA guy through and through. He actually worked for the Niners and commuted to LA every weekend. The people at Southwest knew him by name. He was on the exact same flight every Friday to LA and every Sunday coming back to the Bay Area. I wasn’t completely shocked to see him there. I was more shocked to see him at 3 AM and have him see me blitzed out of my ever-loving mind.

So we shoot the shit for a bit. And I of course ask him what he’s doing there. Like I mentioned, this isn’t some party you can get into off the street. There wasn’t a whole hell of a lot of people who knew where we were. You had to be in the KNOW. Invite only, bitches.

He tells me that he came with Steve. And he turns and point to Steve Lavin. Steve Lavin (photo) who, at that particular moment, is the head men’s basketball coach for UCLA. Steve Lavin, whose team just got beat in the Pac-10 Tournament mere hours ago. Steve Lavin, who I have had an irrational hate of for so many years. Steve Lavin is sitting there, in the same room as me, and I’m full to the brim with barley and hops.

He’s ripe for the picking.

Because I have no shame and am beaming with liquid courage, I work up the nerve to talk to good old Stevey boy. This, I’m sure, after several conversations with people I don’t know that probably went a lot like “dude, can you believe Steve Lavin is here? I mean, your team JUST LOST. Maybe be a little sad about it. And not all in a celebratory mood!” In fact, I’m sure it went a lot like that.

I think the guy from the Niners introduces me to Steve. And I make mention that we’ve actually met before, when he came to visit the Niners facility the year before when his team went to the West Regional in San Jose. He just looks at me like I’m crazy. (Little does he know what’s coming.)

But then I actually say, to Steve Lavin, a head coach at a major Division I school, a man pretty well-known across the country, who is just looking to unwind after a loss and not be harassed, since he’s in the comfort of a Pac-10 Conference hospitality room, I say “you know, I used to hate you.”

(I’ll let that just sink in for a second.)

Yep, I told Steve Lavin that I used to hate him. And let’s be honest, I was just being nice. There was no “used to ” about it. I still hated him.

He was taken aback, obviously. But I explained myself, through all the beer haze and the slurring of the speech. I told him that I went to Arizona State. And we suck in basketball. And his team always beats us. Ergo, I hate you.

Strangely enough, he said that was a valid reason. And didn’t even get up to run for the hills.

The next morning, as we awoke and groaned quite audibly because all that beer was coming back in the version of pounding headaches and dry heaves, the previous evening started coming back to me.

Me: “Did I tell Steve Lavin that I hated him?”

Julie: “I think I puked in my sleep.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we are BFFs. 

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, Hooch Hilarity, Sports | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 3, 2008

Random wonderings on a Monday evening:

• Why 20 degrees after an almost 60-degree day just feels colder than a normal 20-degree day.
• Doesn’t everyone drink milk with dinner?
• Because I mentioned that I do and someone at work laughed at me. I don’t really care that you laughed at me because you won’t be laughing when you fall down the stairs when you’re 70 and you break your damn hip.
• But seriously, how else do you get calcium?
• My department at work is way behind in the entertainment world. Brought up at lunch today “hey have you seen that NEW video with Sarah Silverman and Matt Damon? How hilarious is that?”
• Me, because I’m am UNABLE to keep my fucking mouth shut about anything in which I am either right or superior: “You mean the one that’s been out for like a month? Yeah. I saw it. A month ago.”
• That somehow earned me the title as Resident Hipster.
• I’ve been called worse.
• But just as an FYI, knowing about funny videos and what days my shows premiere again in April does not make me a Hipster. It makes me sane.
• Am I the only one that likes mushy apples? Not mealy and gross, but not super hard?
• Because when I announce that I prefer Jonagold apples because they are sweet and mushy, why must everyone be all up in my face because of my APPLE SELECTION?
• I don’t get on your ass for your sweater selection.
• Who is Flava Flav? Because apparently the guy on the TV show Flavor of Love is FLAVOR Flav. And boy howdy, nothing pisses him off more than spelling his name Flava instead of Flavor. Well, that and touching his face.
• I won’t even get into wondering why anyone would want to get close to him, let alone touch his face for anything but slapping.
• That technically I could qualify for NaBloPoMo this month. (They made it every month now, if you’re interested.) Because I have written every day this month. And this actually qualifies for this month’s theme of lists.
• But one NaBloPoMo a year is good enough for me.
• Why did I go to see The Other Boleyn Girl in the theatre when I didn’t even like the book?
• Oh, right. Eric Bana.
• We need more Eric Banas in this world.
• I might have to do a DINAO with just Eric Bana.
• Does anyone else hate Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love? Dude, you had me in Italy. And then I just wanted to shove you into a ravine.
• I went to school with a guy named Raveen.
• He had a bit of the KJ-itis. He played the tuba.
• Does anyone need a roomie for BlogHer? Because I do. Think of the stories! Purple -aced as I meet strangers! Purple wine-stained teeth! The inability to SHUT UP about anything in general!

Don’t forget to leave your wonderings and burning questions for Bacon. He’s feeling a little unloved because his posts don’t get as many comments as my posts. Which just makes me point and laugh.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Rants & Rants | 25 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 2, 2008

A sign you have too much time on your hands over the weekend, time that could be spent doing things that need to get done like cleaning house and getting your oil changed (on your car), is when you write a whole page about Bacon. So that when you write Bacon posts, you don’t have to always explain the story or leave readers scratching their heads. Because your incessant rambling does that just fine, thankyouverymuch.

So here is Bacon’s very own page on this site. Let’s all give him a standing ovation. He deserves it. For all his snarky wisdom.

And now just not to let his salty head get too big, I’m going to put him to work. I have a few questions that I need Bacon to answer. In turn, in the comments, you can ask Bacon all your pressing questions. And this time Kristabella will answer them at the end of the week. And not wait three weeks like she did last time. Because she’s a lazy whore.

Bacon, why is it that Scott Baio makes me cry EVERY DAMN WEEK? Why does he have a damn soul all of a sudden?

First off, Bacon thinks you waste far too much of your so-called precious time watching crappy reality television. Bacon is convinced you can spend this time more productively, like, for instance, creating more pages for Bacon. And while you’re at it, maybe Bacon needs his own actual site. Bacon thinks you should “Smoke” because you’re clearly smokin’ hot and he’s totally trying to get on your good side to get you to turn off the TV and write more about BACON.

Well, Bacon, I appreciate the compliment. But remember that when you get out of hand like this, the cats aren’t too far away. I’m just saying. Anyway, back to me, since it’s MY blog, I want to know Bacon, is winter ever going to end?

Bacon is going to just answer the question that Kristabella asks, since she is all-knowing and wise and Bacon is totally not kissing her ass. No. Not at all. He really feels she is genius squeezed out of heaven into human form. And he is thinking Kristabella should “Hang Out With Hash Browns” because they’ve been known to hang out in caves and hibernate. Which might be a good idea because it will probably still be snowing in June because that’s what happens when Bacon doesn’t see his shadow.

Bacon, I’m wondering if I’ll ever get my ass in gear and start working out? Because all this sitting on my ass and eating is really starting to stretch the seat of my pants.

Clearly Bacon only has one answer to this. Besides no. He thinks you should “Shrivel” because if a gymnasium sucking $64 a month out of your bank account isn’t motivation enough, then the only way you’re going to fit back into your summer pants is to just stop eating and shrivel back into that ideal size.

I’m going to Vegas in April and I’m not really looking forward to it. What Would Bacon Do?

Bacon would “Boycott Tofu” and NOT boycott alcohol and just spend those 48 hours piss drunk out of your ever-loving mind.

Thanks Bacon. Wise as always.

Fo sizzle. 

So what are your questions to Bacon? What advice do you need that only a salty, snarky piece of meat can give you? Leave your questions in the comments and Bacon will be back on Friday to answer your burning questions. Unless Kristabella is struck with a case of The Lazies or The Drunkies. Which has been known to happen from time to time.

Category: Bacon | 14 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 1, 2008

You know what is a really smart idea? Write about something you did on Tuesday evening on Saturday afternoon. Because clearly that makes sense to only me. And my sense is clouded by all the years of alcohol damage to my brain cells.

So remember when I mentioned that Tuesday I was going to be hanging out with fabulous people? Well I DID! And I met some even more fabulous people! And I got out of there without spilling anything on myself or eating anything off the floor. Which is an amazing feat, apparently, when this group of people get together.

So Tuesday night I went out to a book signing for Eileen Cook and her new book Unpredictable. An before we go into anything, you all should go out and buy the book. Because she’s already sold the movie rights. And from the little excerpts she read at the signing, I am hooked and can’t wait to read more. And she’s actually a very fabulous person and didn’t even mind that I almost passed out and turned PURPLE when she asked me how to SPELL MY NAME.

Must I go any further about how I should not be allowed out in public when sober? Or ever?

Also at the book signing with purple-faced Kristabella was Jen Lancaster, Jess Riley, Swishy and Manic Mommy. So me plus published authors and hysterically funny bloggers. It was a feat that I didn’t pass out.

Manic, Swishy, Jen, Jess, Eileen and me (Photo courtesy of Manic.)

The highlight after Eileen’s reading was as we were getting ready to leave, Manic bought Jen’s first book Bitter is the New Black and Eileen mentioned “oh, I love that book.” And Jen said thanks. And then a huge lightbulb went off over Eileen’s head and she was all “is that you?” (pointing to book?) “Are you that Jen?”

And then we all laughed and laughed and I thanked my lucky stars that I wasn’t the one who asked since published authors with movie deals can so get away with asking that.

After the book signing, we headed on down the street to a local wine bar, naturally. I was thankful it was dark in there because after all the meeting and the greeting and all the fabulous people around me all in ONE PLACE, I was convinced my face was going to be that sickly purple color for the rest of the night. And in the dark of the bar, it probably just made me look glamorous. Or drunk. And I’m fine with either.

At the bar, we got to talk more with Eileen, her friend and lackey Jamie, who was helping her out on the book tour, and everyone else. It was nice because the last time I hung out with Manic, Swishy and Jess, it was in a loud bar in Naperville and it wasn’t easy to actually talk to these people without yelling and spitting.

Jess is really such a sweet, nice and funny person. I even like her despite the fact that she’s from Wisconsin. And that’s saying a lot! Her book (Driving Sideways– go pre-order it!) comes out in May and I’ve already told her that she has to come to our book club when it comes out. And I told her that our book clubs are fantastic and that Jen Lancaster would back me up because not only did she come and spill wine all over herself, she actually still comes from time to time and still actually talks to me and reads my blog. (And I’m actually a nice shade of purple right now writing about it.)

It was a really great night. And so much fun to spend an evening hanging out with so many talented writers. Which was kind of cool to mention when I got into work the next day and was asked if I had watched American Idol on Tuesday night. To which I replied, “no, I went to a book signing and then I went out for drinks aftewards with published authors. Yeah. That’s authors. With an S.”

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging | 17 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on February 27, 2008

So you all should remember that I participated in Citizen of the Month’s Great Interview Experiment. A few weeks back I interviewed Incurable Insomniac. Now it is my turn. And since I just spent the evening drinking wine with published authors and awesome bloggers, I have to post this so I can go to bed!

So Jen from Semanitically Driven was chosen to interview me. And I was a little shocked that she went through with it and didn’t back out because of all the ramblings and the swearing and “does this woman do anything more than drink and talk about Bacon?”

Without further ado, here is the GREAT interview of Kristabella.

What do you like best about blogging?

I love having a creative outlet. I love to write and since moving out of public relations, I definitely don’t get as many opportunities to write. And it also serves as a perfect way to keep in touch with family and friends, much more than a mass email every day.

But one of the best things I love about blogging is the network of awesome people I have met. It is great to have that support system from a group of people that you’ve never met in person, in most cases.

You’re pretty good at telling stories. Is there a story you can share that you haven’t written about on your blog before? Perhaps a really embarrassing one?

Wow. I don’t think so. I share EVERYTHING on my blog. So if there is an embarrassing story, I probably just haven’t gotten around to telling it yet. Oh! I just thought of one. One time, when I was living in California, we went out one night to Dave & Buster’s. And I was kind of drunk and had to use the ladies’ room. I was squatting to pee, since I hate sitting on public toilets, and I wasn’t paying much attention, so I ended up peeing on myself, ALL over my jeans. It wasn’t my best moment. Thankfully I had a jacket to cover it up until it dried. I can imagine I must have smelled lovely.

You have a gorgeous niece Skyler, and nephew Noah, and babysit them a bit. I think more aunties and uncles should take a leaf out of your book. What do you love about babysitting them and what’s your favorite thing to do with them?

Thank you! They are cuties! I just love spending time with them. They are constantly making me smile and laugh and NOTHING can bring me out of a sour mood like seeing those two.

I’d actually rather prefer not to babysit, since then I have to be responsible. And when I’m just visiting with them, I can play and then mom and dad can be the responsible adults. But I’d have to say that reading books to them before bed time is one of my favorite things to do when I babysit.

As for my favorite thing to do with them, I like to chase them around! In fact, every time I’m there they are both like “Auntie, do you want to chase?” I started that when Noah was a toddler and it has never gotten old.

Do you imagine having kids of your own one day?

Oh, yes! I’m so one of those people that are dying to have kids. Hopefully I’ll get married and have kids, but if not, I’d like to adopt or something. I’ll be a mom one day, somehow, someway.

I gather you like a tipple or two. If someone was to give you an alcoholic drink as a present what would you love best and why?

I’m guessing a tipple is booze. Which I’m SO going to start using in every day conversations. Wine is the best gift ever. Red, preferably. So if any of you want to send me some, I will not turn it away.

What do you like about where you live? (I’m from Australia and while I’ve been to the States once, I didn’t see that much of it).

I love Chicago for everything except the winters. Chicago and the Midwest in general have such fabulous, down-to-Earth people. I’ve lived on the West Coast and the people there just aren’t as friendly. Chicagoans will talk to random strangers, help people out, never without a pretense. We just do it to be nice.

And also, we are a big drinking City, which doesn’t hurt.

I like your Death Is Not An Option (DINAO) game. In round 3, the heartthrob edition, I picked Johnny Depp (although I could go Orlando too), Matt Damon, Hugh Jackman (no competition), Matthew McConaughey, Reese Witherspoon, Kate Beckinsale, Jeremy, John and McSteamy (I’ve never heard of these last three). Actually it wasn’t too hard. Who did you pick?

This one was a hard one for me! I would go with Johnny Depp, Ben Affleck (because he’s taller), Hugh Jackman (even though Candy is convinced he’s gay), Ryan Phillipe, Reese, Kate Winslet, Adrian, Adam Levine and McDreamy. But they were not easy decisions! I love Death Is Not An Option!

I’m always on the lookout for new music. What’s your favorite CD or musician/s?

I’m a huge rap and R&B fan. Sadly, I’ll listen to most anything. And I don’t have a lot of distinguishing tastes. I like things I shouldn’t (Britney Spears). But Kayne West’s latest CD is one of my favorites. Dave Matthews is someone I always will love. And I’m a huge Beatles fan.

Other than that, it’s just Sirius Hits 1 and what they tell me I should like.

Is there anything you wish I’d asked but didn’t?

Nope. I think you covered it all.

Is there anything else you all out there would like to know?

Category: All Things Blogging | 15 Comments »
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