Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

My Body Isn’t Quite Sure Of The Time

Posted By Kristabella on March 10, 2008

Why the fuck do we have this whole Daylight Savings Time? Why do I want to save daylight? Daylight needs to be shared and felt and seen. And don’t tell me because energy because when it is dark when I get up and dark when I get home, I’m using power. To light my house. And don’t tell me it is for the farmers. It’s fucking 2008, I think the farmers have the technology to not care about the sun and what the hell time it rises or sets.

Because my body, it gets used to things. It gets used to cookies and pizza and alcohol. And it gets damn used to the time. It knows when it is 6:30 AM. And it knows that even though the alarm went off at 6:30 this morning, it was not 6:30 AM. It was 5:30. And then my body revolts into a series of fits and tantrums. And there is usually crying involved. It’s not pretty. Why do we even have to change it in the fall? Why can’t it be like this all year round? They do it in Arizona. And no one there seems to mind. But that’s probably because their brains melted into a puddle from the HEAT and they don’t even know what month it is, let alone what time it is, but still!

What I’m saying is that I’m tired. And my cats are confused because they want to eat at weird times. But that’s probably not from the time change.

FuckDaylightSavings

So I want to say a big thank you to all of you and your nice comments regarding my little work situation. Things are OK. I think as the weeks go on, it should get less awkward. For right now, I have a hard time talking to anyone. Or looking them in the eye. I’ve resorted to dancing around with a monkey in a tutu to distract all of them from the fact that they are losing their jobs and I am not.

But that didn’t really help. Because they aren’t sure why I was the one they kept.

But I do have some serious Survivor Guilt. It’s not fun. I just try to keep my head down and make it through the day. But this morning in the staff meeting, when the VP was all “how was everyone’s weekend?” had to be one of the most awkward moments in my life.

Well, right after the moment I decided to bring a monkey in a tutu to work.

FuckDaylightSavings

So I found this out through Candy and Hotfessional, but Peach organized a bunch of bloggers to submit some posts to a blogger compilation book called You Are Not The Only One. And the proceeds are going to help War Child, which is an organization that helps children of the world that have been affected by war. So I not only got to submit some of my writing to possibly be published, I also got to help out a great charity, regardless whether I get published or not.

Submissions were due on Sunday, but I would encourage everyone to go out and buy a copy when it comes out because it helps a great cause and it should be some fantastic writing by fellow bloggers. Of course, if I actually made it, then you’re all REQUIRED BY LAW to go out and purchase it.

FuckDaylightSavings

So I went to Target this weekend and spent my life savings on shit I need and shit I probably don’t need. In my haze of shopping because I was still distraught from the dismantling, I bought a new hair dryer. I actually need a new hair dryer. My current one is making noises that a hair dryer shouldn’t make and I’m starting to wonder if the smoking is a good sign.

Anyway, I picked up this dryer. It was all pink and brown and cute! I don’t get something too cheap since the dryer is essential to my styling regimen. I prefer to only blow dry my straight-ish, limp hair with a round brush to give it a little bit of volume. At least for 20 minutes. And I want my dryer to get nice and warm so that the hair does the things the round brush politely asks of it. And no, don’t talk to me about curling irons and flat irons and anything that will add more time to my routine. I’m already consistently 5-10 minutes late for work in the morning.

(I also realize the smart thing would be to buy a nice professional hair dryer and spend the extra money because it is worth it. But alas, I am cheap and also poor.)

This blow dryer SUCKS. Well, for me at least. One, it doesn’t get hot enough. And the ends of my hair that I want the round brush to curl under REBEL. And there isn’t enough heat to melt the hair follicles into submission. And also, the “low” speed is like the high speed on my previous dryer. And since I don’t have four arms and a swivel head, it blows my hair everywhere and makes my hair a big, fucking rat’s nest. And on top of it, because the hair is blowing ALL OVER, I don’t get that little bit of body that the round brush usually provides from 7:15 – 8:30 AM. And it leaves me in a sad, weepy mess on the floor because WAH! MY HAIR IS FLAT! WHO CARES PEOPLE ARE LOSING THEIR JOBS? WAH! FLAT HAIR.

Perspective. I has it.

So I hear you all yelling at your computer screens, TAKE IT BACK, FUCKWIT! Ah. Yes. A very smart idea indeed. You are under the impression that I am SMRT. I am NOT. Because I threw away the box because in a momentary lapse in judgment, I threw the box away! Without testing out new dryer! Figuring it is a blow dryer, what’s not to love? In all its pink and brown cuteness? And now I’m suck with this piece of CRAP.

Actually, my mom, who has seen said tantrums live and in person, just offered to buy it from me because she realizes if she doesn’t, every email of every day until I chuck the dryer out the window will start with WAH! FLAT, LIMP HAIR! WAH! And it’s just as annoying in person as it is over email.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging | 26 Comments »
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Presenting Bacon: Now With Less Attitude!

Posted By Kristabella on March 9, 2008

Well, Bacon sure had a little attitude the other day, didn’t he? He’s getting a little too high and mighty for his own good. So I left him alone in a locked room with the cats for a few hours, just to show him who is boss. We won’t be having a Bacon uprising here in Kristabelliskstan.

But, he’s been unshackled and is here to answer all your questions from the last week.

Question from Jules: Why am I so emotionally weak after seeing Scott Baio sing a cheesy 70s song to his infant daughter that I not only shed a tear, but I am moved enough to buy said cheesy 70s song from iTunes right after the show ends?

B: Well, Bacon isn’t sure. He does know that something happened to Scott Baio this season and either the editing is better or he actually grew the fuck up. Because any man that rides a three-wheeled motorcycle, therefore looking like a pussy, especially with another man on the back, only because he wants to be safe for his daughter is known to make anyone cry. Even Bacon. So Bacon says “Beckon” because there is no use in hiding or squelching these feeling that Scott Baio brings out in all of us. We need to all beckon these feelings to the surface and embrace the joy that is Scott Baio.

Question from Raven: Bacon, what is your take on Kristi Jo? Is she going to win Rock of Love II and then take out a restraining order on Bret?

B: Bacon was under the impression that Kristabella was the only person who wasted her time with these trashy shows. All while Bacon sits in the background reading Proust. But apparently Bacon is wrong. Bacon’s take on Kristi Jo is that she should “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B stands for Batshit, as in the crazy variety. And if Bret knew what was good for him he’d put the B in BLT as well, and Bolt the fuck out of there and far away from that crazy ho.

Question from Lisa Ann: Why the HELL is Donny Osmond hosting Entertainment Tonight? WHY? WHY? WHY? And when did anyone start giving a damn about Valerie Bertinelli again? I’m fairly certain that many ET watchers had to Google her name just to figure out who the hell she is!! All Knowing, All Wise Bacon, please tell me why!?!?!?

B: Bacon’s head is spinning from so many questions with so many question marks. He needs to sit down and rest for a second. Mostly because he didn’t know that Donny Osmond was hosing ET because again, Bacon spends his time doing intellectual things. And also, he can’t turn on the TV before Kristabella gets home, hence why he reads Proust all day. And by Proust, we all know Bacon means US Weekly.

As for Valerie, Bacon knows the only reason we care is because she wrote a book, lost some weight and then went on Oprah. And if Oprah says we should care, we care. To which Bacon says “Smoke” because with a little Mary Jane, I think we could all come to love Valerie and be able to stand Oprah’s voice and all the YELLING she is always doing on her show. Because bitch be crazy.

Question from Melissa: Am I ever going to get to meet you and Kristabella?

B: Bacon says “Sizzle.” Fo Sizzle, Melissa.

Question from Allison: My dearest Bacon, I have an idea for a novel that I would like to write, but most of the characters are ex-boyfriends of mine. Is it okay to trash them and kill their characters in print if I change their names even though everyone I know (including them) will know who I’m writing about?

B: Bacon sees nothing wrong with this. As long as the names are changed and it is clearly a work of fiction, then there is not reason to be hesitant. All novelists pull from real life in their writing, or so Bacon hears. Bacon says “Spit Hot Grease” and let those douchebags have it!

Question from nancypearlwannabe: I’ve been moaning over summer pants for the past two months. It’s March, do you think I could stop holiday binging already?

B: Bacon wants to know if this is really Kristabella asking this question. Since Bacon is SO tired of hearing all about her fat pants and summer and maybe, Kristabella, if you stop eating entire pizzas in one sitting you could stop your yammering and lose the weight and shut the hell up.

Ahem. But to answer your question, Nancypearlwannabe, Bacon says to “Liven Up A Salad” and by livening it up, Bacon means eat more salad. And less pizza and beer. And you should fit in those summer pants just fine. That is, if summer ever comes. Which Bacon isn’t convinced of.

Question from Vanessa: Bacon, this is very important and I trust your opinion as much as I trust my own at this point, should I move back to Seattle? Think hard Bacon…

B: Well Vanessa, Bacon doesn’t much care for Seattle. The damp climate isn’t the most conducive to salty, cured meat. But Bacon says that if you do end up moving back up there, be sure to “Boycott Tofu” and all those crazy tree huggers up there who hate meat and all that Bacon stands for.

Question from curlatini, esq.: Bacon, this is a 2 part question: Does Daisy from Rock of Love 2 look like a cartoon to you, or is it just me? And do you think it’s capable for Daisy to smile with all of that schmutz injected into her lips? She always looks like she’s on the verge of tears. I think the lip injections have affected her ability to communicate emotion. So sad.

B: Again with this trashy show? You people need to watch less VH1 and eat more bacon. But Bacon would agree that Daisy is in fact a platypus in disguise. And that Bret must be a little kinky, seeing as they’ve already spent the night together and he must have figured out she’s not human. Bacon says “Hang Out with Hash Browns” because clearly that is just as weird as making sweet, sweet love to a platypus.

Question from Moo: Hey, Bacon! It’s 4:30 am here and yep, I’m up surfing the interweb. Oh! The joy of having a toddler! Well, this toddler at any rate. Here’s a question for you dear bacon, how do you get a 19 month old to sleep through the night? Would you recommend a diet of bacon?

B: A diet of Bacon is always a cure. For whatever ails you. As for your 19-month old sleeping through the night, Bacon says to “Raise Cholesterol” because maybe if the toddler has a nice full belly of meat and cheese, then sleeping through the night will not be a problem. And if that doesn’t work, Bacon says to “Spit Hot Grease” and put the fear of Bacon into the child to get them to sleep.

Question from LarryLily: Bacon, who do you pork? Miss Piggy?

B: It’s a good thing raw Bacon is already pinkish, because then you can’t tell that Bacon is blushing. Bacon is also a tad offended by this question. Because Bacon doesn’t pork and tell. But he says Miss Piggy does “Taste Really Good.”

And there you have it! Bacon would like to thank you for all your insightful questions. And he hopes your lives can go on living now that you are much the wiser.

Category: Bacon | 18 Comments »
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Dismantled

Posted By Kristabella on March 8, 2008

First things first, I still have my job.

Second things second, I’m only one of three left in the department. My entire department at work was dismantled on Friday. And I wasn’t expecting it at all. In total, we lost 7. By July 1 there will be three people left in the marketing department. Since I’ve been there since last May we’ve lost 11 people.

I’m not sure how I feel. Yes, I’m glad I have a job. But I’m not sure if it is going to be a job worth going in to anymore. And that six months severance would have been nice to pay off some debt. And I am glad that I didn’t lose my job for the third time in three years.

I’m heart broken. There is one person I work with who has worked for this company her whole life. This is the only job she knows. She’s been there almost 40 years. I would gladly switch places with her because she shouldn’t be treated this way by what she considers her family. And I’ve been through it before so I know I can bounce back from this.

I’m scared because the VP of the department is also leaving. And she’s been the biggest champion for our efforts. And I don’t know how things are going to go without her and reporting to someone outside the marketing realm.

I know everything happens for a reason. I’m just not sure what the reason is. And until then, I spend my time between being sad, scared, stressed and scared some more.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Worky Work | 29 Comments »
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We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Post

Posted By Kristabella on March 7, 2008

Hi. This is Bacon. I’m filling in for Kristabella. And I’m not happy about it, let me tell you. Remember how she was telling us all how she’d answer the questions for Bacon TODAY? And that she wasn’t going to be lazy like last time?

Well guess what? I sat up waiting, patiently mind you, for her to get home this evening. Because she teased me and told me that people had questions for me! And I would get to answer them today! I couldn’t have been more excited! But instead, she comes home all buzzed out of her mind after going to a party all giddy because her new eye doctor told her she had such pretty eyes and now she doesn’t have time to post the answers to the questions for ME that I have spent time meticulously crafting.

Instead, she just passes out on the couch, still in her down parka. And expects me to spread the news to my adoring fans that the answers to Ask Bacon will have to wait. Until she can be bothered to not only take off her coat, but use her fingers to type and not hold a damn drink in her hand.

So yeah. Needless to say. You’ll have to wait for MY answers to all your questions. Because she’s a lazy, drunken whore.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Bacon, Hooch Hilarity | 14 Comments »
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DINAO Round 5 – The TV Personality Edition

Posted By Kristabella on March 5, 2008

I have to say that so far last week’s Death Is Not An Option was by far my favorite. I could feel everyone’s skin crawling as they commented with their choices. I had a good laugh reading all your choices. Especially since most people had some really good and well thought out reasons for picking the lesser of two evils. And it is good to know that most people would rather sleep with George H.W. Bush than our current President. Which is both disgusting and makes complete sense, all at the same time.

For those of you new to the game, the rules are simple, between the two choices, you have to decide who you would sleep with. And death is NOT an option. That means you too, Haro. Previous rounds here, here, here and here.

Round 5

The Sexy Newsman Edition

Anderson Cooper vs. Matt Lauer