Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on March 26, 2008

So tomorrow morning is the big day for my root canal. I’d like to tell you all I’m not freaked but that would be a lie. Or the beer talking.

(Yes, I went out drinking tonight, even though I’m sick AND I have a root canal tomorrow morning. Look, I can’t help it that everyone is leaving the company and I have going away parties every week! Me and beer is like a moth to a flame.)

I had my big freak out about the root canal back in December. When I SHOULD have had this procedure done. And instead the giant doucgebag dentist told me “nope, your bite is messed up.” Not listening to me when I said “I don’t think that would cause tooth sensitivity and PAIN. The PAIN! Do you hear me? PAIN!” To which he said “deal with it you tall bitch, and I don’t care about the pain, you can’t take that many pain pills.”

Sounds like a fun dude, right?

(I actually begged the chick at the dentist’s office Monday for anyone else. But apparently this guy is the only one who can do it. Without me shelling out tons of pesos to some sort of specialist. But I made it well know that the hate. I has it.)

That freak out had a lot to do with the woman who died like three days earlier while having a ROOT CANAL! And why do they call it a root canal anyway? Canal means water to me. And boats and cruise ships. And fruity cocktails that take away the PAIN!

I also was totally freaked out because I’ve had a root canal done before. Mind you it was like 20 years and I’m pretty sure technology and procedures have changed just a tad. Oh, for the love of God and all that is GOOD AND HOLY please let things have changed. Because the PAIN I experienced at my first root canal is a PAIN I hope to never experience again. Up until this past December and Dentist McDouchebag, my last root canal was the only time I ever cried at the dentist

I have a high threshold of pain. Clearly, since I’ve had a rotting tooth that needed a root canal since some time mid-2007. And I killed most of that pain with Advil. OK, maybe it was wine and Jack Daniels, but still. But when I was 10 and that dentist stuck a shot of Novocaine into my cavity, without numbing me up first, I saw stars and the room turned dark. I thought right then and there that God was punishing me for all the bad things I had done in my life and all the bad things I would do for the next 60 years. PAIN. Like no other, I tell you. And the tears, they just started a-flowing.

So naturally, I’m a little panicked about tomorrow morning. I’m pretty sure I can handle the pain. This tooth isn’t in as bad of shape as that other one was. And I plan to be totally hammered out of my ever-loving mind by the time I get in there. (I kid.) But I know I should be able to handle it. Only because some chick at work had a root canal two weeks ago and said “it’s not that bad.”

What I AM freaked out about is Dentist McDouchebag. My hatred of this person is off the charts. And for no other reason than he DIDN’T BELIEVE ME when I told him of the PAIN. And figured I was a pussy girl. That and when he told me I was overdosing on the pain meds, I asked “so am I supposed to just suffer in PAIN for two additional hours until I can take the pain meds again?” His answer? “Yes.”

Tell me you don’t want to fucking stick tiny needles full of acid under his toenails and make him listen to bad karaoke. Dude’s a fucking asshat.

I have this weird thing where I plan conversations out in my head sometimes. (Don’t judge the wackiness.) And I try and think of awesome responses to someone, in the off chance they ask me the question I had planned on them asking in the fake conversation in my head. So I can be witty and not stumble over my words and say things like “same to you, pal!” I’ve planned out that when this asshole asks me why I waited so long to get this fixed (you know he’s going to ask) I want to tell him that “I had to wait until the pain beat out my hatred for you.” Buuuurrrrrrn!

My mom doesn’t think this is a good idea because, well, he’s there to fix my tooth and best not to piss him off when he can do so much damage in my mouth and cause additional PAIN. Which will cost additional monies. That I do not have.

My thinking is that just because this guy is good at what he does (supposedly) I shouldn’t fawn all over him and be nice to him when he’s NOT NICE to me. Dude should know he’s being a jerk. And it will take every last ounce of will power to control my smart mouth and not make him aware of his douchebaggery.

I figure at the very least I can just bite him. And tell him it was an involuntary response to his asshattedness.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me | 15 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 25, 2008

So Jen Lancaster updated the links on her blog and then told the loyal subjects of Jennsylvania to go read the blogs in her links. Which I am one of (there are no words to describe the excitement and pure, unadulterated joy and squeeeee-ness of it all!) And then they all came here and had to read about having sex with cartoon dogs and my sick, whiny ass.

I’m pretty sure those readers won’t be returning.

In case they do (oh hai new readers! I’m sometimes funny! And there’s Bacon here!), I shall attempt to write something better. Attempt being the key word. I’m still sick and my tooth is sore and Root Canal Day can’t get here fast enough. And I’d also like my nose to stop running so that I can re-grow the skin under my nose that the Kleenex has RUBBED OFF like sandpaper.

Anyway, so last week at work I had my review. It wasn’t my annual review since I’ve only been there 10 months, but it was my six-month review a few months late. Because right around the six-month mark, we decided to like fire almost everyone in the company. And then there was scrambling and more cuts and whatever, it’s four months too late.

It went really well. There were no surprises. They said a lot of good things. They mentioned things I should work on and issues I’ve had in the past that have been addressed and improved on. It was very nice for two people to sing my glorious praises for a good half hour. I mean, they are only human.

(Which is all a big damn lie because as big of an attention famewhore that I can be at times, it is very awkward to sit in a room with two people telling you all the good things you do and all I just did was sit there and let out a weak “thanks!” every now and then.)

I have had some very interesting reviews in my life. My boss at the Niners, who I am still friends with today, wasn’t always so good in that area of managing people. (His wife reads here (Hi Teri!) so I hope he doesn’t get offended. And just looks at it as constructive criticism. And when you send the mail bomb, please send it to my work address.)

So we had the yearly reviews at the Niners, like all companies. I haven’t mentioned it a lot on here, but I had some very difficult years at the Niners. I grew up working there. I spent most of my 20s working there. I had never worked in an office before (besides my father’s) so this was all new to me. And since I’m a little *ahem* outspoken, I had a lot to learn when it came to biting my tongue and playing the office politics game.

And let’s just say, I sucked at that game. I still kind of do. I might be better working from home where I have the lowest possibility of saying the wrong thing.

So a lot of my Niners reviews and one-on-one conversations with my boss were all about shutting my trap and learning from my erroneous ways and shedding a lot of tears. Mostly me. And guys don’t like it when girls cry in front of them. It’s too bad I cry when I burn my toast, so it doesn’t take much.

But the thing that happened every year when I would have my review is that I would get blindsided by something. There would be some thing, some issue that he would bring up that I wasn’t expecting. Some sort of fault or mistake I made that became a big deal. The problem was that most of these issues were OLD issues. Something I did months prior that wasn’t mentioned to me at the time, that became a weakness on my review. Written down and filed for ALL ETERNITY.

And it pissed me off. I know I’m not perfect. I’m pretty damn close, but I have my faults and things I have worked on. And if I ever worked for my old boss again, I think he’d be the first person to notice the changes I’ve made as I have grown up and matured in the workplace. So I never expect my review to be flawless. There is the “Things to Work On” section for a reason. No one is perfect.

But I prefer for issues to be addressed at the time they occur. So that I KNOW I did something wrong when I do it so that I can fix it and not do it again. Yes, it may take you a few times of telling me because I have very few brain cells left from all the alcohol I consume, but I will make all attempts to fix it. Again, attempt being the key word.

So when issues are brought up six months later, I get pissed because I’m not aware of this issue that more than likely I’ve completely forgotten about and also because I hate the unexpected. Julie Chen can kiss my ass because I will not expect the unexpected. No matter what her skinny, stupid ass says.

It has almost ruined me a bit. I go into every job review expecting something like this. I expect some issue to be brought up that I’m not expecting. I expect some problem to be brought up that I wasn’t even sure was a PROBLEM. And that is NOT NORMAL.

I actually mentioned this at my review last week because it was a refreshing change, this not being blindsided by something. And I wanted them to know that I appreciated them communicating issues with me as they arose. I am aware that I have things to work on and I’m better able to work on them when I know the problem when it happens. Again, the booze-related memory loss plays into this. And I appreciate that they have no problem telling me positive feedback when appropriate. They are good about handing out praise, so there really were NO shocks in my review. Everything said was something I had heard before. 

And really, it never hurts to have people tell you over and over just how awesome you are. I for one never get tired of it.

:::

Also, remember to cast your vote today for my friend Jenny for Chicago Woman of the Year! Less than a week left!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Worky Work | 10 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 24, 2008

I do. But I’m sick. And tired. So my motivation is null and void. All I want to do is sleep. But I’ll give you just a few of the things I have to say. Because we all know I’m incapable of shutting the hell up.

• Snow in March sucks.
• It just shouldn’t snow in the spring.
• Dressy boots are not appropriate footwear for spring snow. As the ground is kind of warm, so a slushy mess is created and therefore there are a lot of puddles.
• Puddles + fancy, cute dressy boots = wet socks
• Nothing warms you up when you have wet socks like ice cold beer in a bar on a Friday afternoon.
• And nothing will make your horrible cold and flu worse than ice cold beer in a bar.
• Two nights in a row.
• A limo driver asked me if I needed a lift. Too bad my car was three cars away or I probably would have asked him to drive me around the block.
• Guys that are in their early 20s, who are under the impression you too are in your early 20s because you apparently look young for your age, will run for the hills when they find out you’re 30.
• And by running for the hills, I mean never talk to you again for the rest of the night.
• But they are pretty to look at.
• Is there something wrong with WordPress? Why is it not alerting me of my comments? I got like 7 emails on the last post and it turns out I have 23 comments. WTF, WordPress? People wait for my email responses.
• American Idol Karaoke for Wii is AWESOME. According to Simon, I’m the next big thing and just sensational.
• I think I’m incapable of losing my voice.
• Remember that tooth that was bothering me in December? The one I said I needed a root canal on but DoucheBag Dentist disagreed? Turns out I was right and HE was wrong. FAIL. Because I have to have a root canal on Thursday morning.
• And DoucheBag Dentist is doing the procedure. Apparently he’s the only one that knows how to in the whole office. So that should be fun. And should end in tears.
• If you splash half of your soup on your sweater, you will smell like soup for the rest of the day.
• And it will make you want more soup.
• My heart broke on Easter when my niece Skyler, my BFF, told me to “GO AWAY!”
• I made sure to put all that emotion into my rendition of Black Velvet for Simon, Paula and Randy.
• The real Sudafed is way better than the fake crap on the shelves. It’s so worth getting it from the pharmacist and having your driver’s license entered into the meth lab database.
• People don’t like the idea of sleeping with cartoons. Death IS an option.

And now I must get to sleep. To rid my body of the Ebola virus that has taken residence. I’d mention that better posts would be coming once I got well. But let’s face it, sick or not, it’s just a bunch of crap.

:::

Also, remember to cast your vote today for my friend Jenny for Chicago Woman of the Year!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Rants & Rants | 22 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 20, 2008

Because I love cartoons and because I love all of you readers, I have pulled my sick ass out of bed to do this week’s Death Is Not An Option.

This one just makes me giggle because the idea of sleeping with cartoons is just funny. But that may be the cold medicine talking.

Anyway, here is Round 7. For anyone new here, the point is to pick who you would have sex with out of the two options. And death is NOT an option. To see previous versions, click here.

Round 7

The Old School Cartoon Edition

Fred Flintstone vs. George Jetson

The New School Beer-Drinking Edition

Homer Simpson vs. Peter Griffin

The Big Man Edition

Fat Albert vs. Bluto from Popeye

The Squeaky Voice Edition

SpongeBob Squarepants vs. Mickey Mouse

The Dawg Edition

Scooby Doo vs. Astro from The Jetsons

The Ladies of Bedrock Edition

Wilma Flinstone vs. Betty Rubble

The Pin-Up Cartoon Edition

Betty Boop vs. Josie from Josie and The Pussycats

The Kitty Edition

Felix the Cat vs. Tom from Tom & Jerry

The Duck Edition

Daffy Duck vs. Donald Duck

The These-Two-Have-Nothing-In-Common Edition

Bugs Bunny vs. Gumby

Leave your life-altering choices in the comments!

:::

Also, remember to cast your vote today for my friend Jenny for Chicago Woman of the Year!

Category: Death is Not an Option | 24 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 19, 2008

Today is the last day of winter. Yes, I swear, the first day of spring isn’t ALWAYS March 21 like I always thought. Sometimes it is March 20. Which means today, Wednesday, is the last day of winter. It also marks the end of my streak of not getting sick AT ALL this winter. Because I have a cold. It came on today. My fucking streak is broken. And I’m none too pleased.

So because I’m mostly a whiney mess when sick and am even more exhausted than normal, I have nothing much to post. It’s also nice to get sick so you can blame the writer’s block on that instead of The Lazies or The Uncreatives.

Here are a few things I should share:

• You know I’m sick when I don’t really want to drink any alcohol.
• Last night I had a work dinner and drank the Blood Orange Martini, which was tasty, thinking the vitamin C would help. Until I realized there was no fruit juice in it.
• So I had a glass of wine instead, thinking there should be some vitamin C left in those grapes.
• I turned down a second glass.
• It was a work dinner so it was FREE BOOZE.
• I turned down FREE BOOZE.
• Me!
• Fondue is the world’s best meal. We had chocolate AND cheese fondue at book club tonight. It’s no surprise I parked my ass in front of the cheese.
• It will also be no surprise when my pants don’t fit tomorrow.
• The meeting request feature in Microsoft Outlook is not meant to call me into a meeting to yell at me. About crumbs.
• Now it is time for sleep. Because I think the wine is mixing with the antihistamine and vna’bndfosbnvkd;sZZZZZZZ.

:::

Don’t forget to cast your vote today for my friend Jenny for the Chicago Woman of the Year! You can vote once a day until March 31. And I will keep reminding you.

Category: All Things Blogging | 16 Comments »
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