Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on April 3, 2008

Dudes, Jen Lancaster tagged me for a meme. And it is a meme I’ve done a few times before. Generally, unless it is NaBloPoMo, I don’t do a lot of memes. But when you’re tagged by Jen freaking Lancaster, you do as she says. If only for the increase in site traffic she has graciously given you from being linked on the front page of Jennsylvania.

So here goes. The rules:

1. Link back to the person who tagged you.

2. Post these rules on your blog.

3. Share six unimportant things about yourself.

4. Tag six random people at the end of your blog.

1. I had personalized license plates back when I was in college. The plates were ASU DVL2. The 2 is because it costs less when you have a number in your personalized plates and someone had 1. I was constantly in search of that person for years! I had to get rid of the plates when I changed in those IL plates for California ones after college. That and I totaled the car that they were on. But I do have one of the plates hanging on the wall above my doorway in my bedroom. Because I like my bedroom to be like a frat house, apparently.

2. I will not eat cake if there is fruit in it. Fruit does not belong in cake. Fruit belongs in pie and fruit salad, but cake is meant to be fruitless. Pudding, frosting, peanut butter? All fine, tasty excellent things to put in the middle layer of cake. Fruit? NOT GOOD. Ever.

3. I have really bad eyesight. I’ve had glasses since I was about 8 years old and I’d venture to say I’m legally blind. I can’t see anything without my contacts in or my glasses on. As bad as they are, I’m deathly afraid getting Lasik surgery done on my eyes. A lifetime of glasses and having to buy saline and stick my finger in my own eyes is not worth the risk of being blind. I fall enough as it is when I’m sober.

4. My alarm clock is set 10 minutes fast and my snooze is seven minutes long. The clock in my car is set 3-4 minutes fast. This is my way of making sure I do math every day. But I keep it easy enough so I don’t have to use my fingers.

5. Freshman year in college, I turned in the same paper in first-semester English 101 and again in second-semester English 102. In first semester, I had a professor who did not like my writing. I wrote a lovely research paper about how college football should have a playoff system for the National Championship. I got a B-. Because I was so proud of this paper, and all kinds of lazy, I turned in the same paper for the first assignment in my second semester class. It was a different teacher, but the same assignment. I got an A++. That professor was an ex-editor at a magazine, so I trusted her judgment more. And she encouraged me to submit my stories to magazines. I thank her immensely for the encouragement. Even if I didn’t get published.

6. I wash my hair every other day. I can usually only accomplish this in the winter when it is dry and when I don’t work out, which is almost always. It stemmed from laziness and oversleeping, but it turns out it is good for my hair and makes my color last longer, which means I can sleep longer, continue my lazy streak and save money. It is a win-win-win for me on all accounts.

I’m not tagging anyone, but you are required by Blogging Law to leave one unimportant/weird thing about yourself in the comments. I cannot be the only one to share. Plus, I’ve shared like 142 weird things about myself. I’m just asking for you to share ONE.

Category: All Things Blogging, Memes | 37 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on April 2, 2008

I actually meant to write this post on Monday, but since I have a tendency to forget things and get distracted by all things shiny and photos of hot baseball players with their shirts off, it slipped my mind. Which is actually surprising since not a day goes by when I don’t think about this time of my life last year.

It was a year ago today that I was officially fired because of my blog. When my world, as I knew it, was turned on its head.

For those of you who are new here, you can read the two-part story here and here of how it all went down. The bottom line is that I guessed the company’s new (STUPID) name, jokingly put it on my blog because of all its STUPIDNESS and when people searched for Slalom Consulting, when they found out the new (STUPID) name, I was the first hit on Google. Which was exciting for a hot second and then the whole firing took place and I couldn’t really be excited about my Google Page Rank status, now could I?

They had (STUPIDLY) decided not to make the new site live until the big party (which I ruined, by the way) later in the evening. So five locations of a company were TOLD the name, and being IT consultants, they Googled the new (STUPID) name. Enter Kristabella: Full of Snark. Top of page one. As Jen pointed out, I got fired because I was smarter than them. And that is why I love her. That and her love of trashy reality television.

I have moved on from that incident. I have grown and learned from it. For instance, I learned:

• It isn’t a good idea to call a VP at your company a pompous ass
• Repeatedly
• Even if he is
• Most companies are oblivious to the technological world we live in
• So don’t blog about work
• Everything really does happen for a reason

It is one year later and it still haunts me every day. I live in fear of being found out. While I really try not to blog about work, I worry that I’ll encounter another person who can’t get the fuck over themselves and take offense that I have a website. Where I say fuck a lot. And talk a lot about Bacon and sleeping with ugly celebrities and/or cartoons. It has changed me. And not it a good way.

I hate that I have this constant fear. Because I’ve done nothing wrong. This is my life outside of my job. And I shouldn’t be fearful that something like this could happen again. Because it really shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

I know. I fucked up last time. Had I read more Dooce and not just gazed at photos of her dogs and her baubles and fancy tea cups, I would have known DON’T BLOG ABOUT WORK! Especially don’t blog the new (STUPID) name, even if you think it is a big joke because who the hell names a consulting company with offices in Chicago after a skiing term? Besides stupid people? I like to think I’ve learned my lesson.

But my one mistake (in their eyes) shouldn’t make me worry. I HATE, like heat of a thousand suns HATE, the fact the jackass CEO at Slapdick Consulting has won. That until I let go of the fear that he created, he will always win and have a little piece of my soul. And as much as I tell myself I’m not fearful, it doesn’t stop my heart from racing and the bottom dropping out whenever I’m approached by a boss-type person about something I’m not expecting or told to come into their office.

I have to let it go. It happened. I ended up way better off, at a job I enjoy much more, where I get to do things that I enjoy and get to drink a lot more free alcohol. I can do that again, if I were to be faced with that again. I can bounce back. I am a survivor. Me and Beyonce.

Because I can’t let the asshats win. But I can turn Asshat CEO into an awful, awful character in my book. And that’s just as rewarding.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging | 21 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on April 1, 2008

So has DINAO run its course? I’m thinking maybe we can go to monthly or every so often? It seems that we have had an overload of nasty thoughts of sleeping with the world’s most unattractive people and want nothing more to do with it.

And also? I’m running out of ideas. So feel free to suggest some ideas. I’m open to most anything. The nastier the better.

I also wanted to say thank you to all of you for all your comments regarding all my PAIN regarding my stupid tooth and listening to my whiney ass about the World’s Worst Dentist’s Office. I was out of it and didn’t have to time to reply to all your comments, but they made me feel better and made me not want to pierce my nipple to take away the pain. Although, I am pretty sure that would do the damn trick.

The tooth is much better. There is still some sensitivity, because there is still a root, but apparently this is common. I’m just itching for the day that I will be able to chew on that side of my mouth and not recoil in pain with a tear streaming down my cheek.

As for the dentist, I will be switching. I know it is best to switch now, but I really need this asshat to finish. And to be honest, as big of a douchebag as he is, it makes me happy that he is making sure that he finishes and does it right. He could be a bad dentist and just say fuck it and leave part of the nerve there. So there’s the fact that he does want to do a good job. Even if he does somehow blame me for something I can’t even control like drying out the root of my tooth below the GUMLINE!

I also want to apologize for being a bad, bad blogger. I haven’t had time or energy to read blogs and comment. So I’ve dropped off the face of the Earth with a lot of my blogging peeps. And I do sincerely feel bad. I think I need to just clear it all, mark it all read (dudes, I’m almost over 1000 NEW posts that I haven’t read) and start from scratch. But I do want to know what’s going on with all of you. And more importantly, I want you to know that I haven’t forgotten about you. And that I do want to read all your posts and know what’s going on and I don’t want you to leave me because you’re feeling the neglect. Because you comment here and I don’t give the love back.

Or maybe I just need to get the fuck over myself.

Category: All Things Blogging | 17 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 31, 2008

It’s Opening Day! Baseball season is officially here! Which means that maybe it will stop snowing and get above 40 degrees. And maybe I’ll be able to wear flip flops again sometime soon.

It also means it is completely acceptable to start drinking before noon and spend all day drinking Old Style and making out with cute boys in Wrigleyville.

Oh, who am I kidding? That is acceptable all the time.

In honor of Opening Day (Go Cubbies!) I present to you the Opening Day Death Is Not An Option. For any new folks, the idea is to vote for one of the two choices that you’d sleep with, and death is NOT an option. (Previous rounds can be found here.)

Round 8

The Vomit in Your Mouth Edition

Randy Johnson vs. Rod Beck

    

The Announcer Edition

Peter Gammons vs. Harry Caray

    

The Manager Edition

Don Zimmer vs. Lou Pinella

    

The Both Are Just Ugly Edition

John Kruk vs. Gary Gaetti

    

The ‘Stache Edition

Dennis Eckersley vs. Jim Leyland

    

The Death Would Be An Option for Kristabella Edition

Derek Jeter vs. Alex Rodriguez

    

The Pitcher Edition

Barry Zito vs. Tim Hudson

    

The I Wouldn’t Kick Them Out of Bed Edition

Mark Mulder vs. Troy Glaus

    

The Yummilicious Edition

Joe Mauer vs. Pat Burrell

    

The Two of Kristabella’s Favorites Edition

Mark Grace vs. David Wright

    

A nice blend of nasty and yummy for a Monday morning! Leave your choices in the comments!

:::

Also, it is the last day to vote for the Chicago Woman of the Year, so if you wouldn’t mind, please go cast one more vote for my friend Jenny! Many, many thanks to all the people have voted so far!

Category: Death is Not an Option | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 27, 2008

Today was Root Canal Day – Part 1.

Yeah, you read that right. Part one. Which means I have to go back. And I’m not talking about going back to get the crown made and put on. I’m talking I have to go back and have another partial root canal done. In two weeks. I must have pissed the dental gods off something awful with all my bad talk about Dentist McDouchey and just hating the dentist in general.

Let me just tell you why the dentists of the world have it in for me. First, let’s rewind to Wednesday afternoon. I get a call from the dentist’s office to tell me, frantically, that I have to come in at 9 instead of 9:30 so that the dude will have enough time to do the procedure of removing the nerve from my tooth.

So this morning, I bust my ass to get there before 9. Because I try to follow directions. So I get there about 8:57 and I walk in the front vestibule, turn to the office door and notice the lights are out. So I pull on the door and it is locked. There is NO ONE there. The people who frantically told me to be there RIGHT AT 9, were not even there themselves. As if I did not hate this dental office anymore, they wanted to throw one last log on the Hatred Fire.

About 9:15, some woman comes and half-heartedly apologizes for being late. I was on the phone with my mom at the time, and made damn sure I told my mom loudly how ridiculous this was and how angry I was. Just loud enough for the dental assistant lady to hear. And the people down the street.

Dentist McDouchey didn’t even make it there until after 9:30. Which, what the fuck? I could have slept an extra half hour. He numbs me up and gets going. I turned on my iPod right away and said as little as possible to him. Thankfully since he’s such a jerkface, he wasn’t saying much to begin with. Although, anything he did say, I didn’t understand because he’s foreign and has a heavy accent and mumbles.

It went fine. I didn’t feel anything after the Novocaine kicked in. It was just a lot of drilling, a lot of weird smells and some weird beeping. So he finishes up, puts the chair upright and all I hear is dentalwordsIdon’tknow solution dewifodwnvodsoi two weeks. And then he looks at me again and says “two weeks” and him and dental assistant lady walk out of the room. I just sat in the chair because WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING IN TWO WEEKS?

Thankfully dental assistant lady came back in so I was like “why do I have to come back in two weeks?” And she said, quite snottily I might add, which I won’t even point out that she kept me WAITING, “like he just told you, you have to come back in two weeks to finish.”

Me: Finish what?

Snotty Dental Bitch: He just TOLD you.

Me: I didn’t UNDERSTAND him.

Snotty Dental Bitch: Finish the root canal.

Me: Why didn’t he finish today?

SDB: Like he just said, you somehow have made it so that you, and only you, are responsible for having a dried out root and nerve. So because you suck and have dried out the inner recesses of your TOOTH, he has to do extra work to get the rest of it out.

Me: Um, OK, what?

SDB: He had to put solution in there and seal it up and hopefully it will soften the rest of the nerve up and hopefully you don’t fuck it up and dry it out again and then come back in two week to get it all out.

So not only did I got through a root canal, so I’m in immense pain, I also still have part of the nerve left so I still have the sensitivity. It’s like I won the devil’s lottery and get to live in hell with a space heater.

I was fine up until about 2 this afternoon. I ate lunch, took some Advil, but then it started to get unbearable. I got some Vicodin on Monday, but I was a little nervous about taking it at work because I’ve never taken it before. So I didn’t know how I’d react and I figured I could get through the day with tons of Advil.

I was wrong. I was almost crying by 3, after about 7 Advil. And I made it until about 4:30, mostly by continually slamming my hand in the desk drawer to take the pain elsewhere, before I asked to go home. I popped the Vicodin as soon as I walked in the door. And let me tell you, it isn’t helping.

Yep. It has been almost 4 hours since I took it and it ISN’T HELPING. I still feel like someone is hammering on my jaw all while squirting acid into the little piece of nerve left. My ear is starting to hurt as is my head. And all the Vicodin is doing is making me dizzy. Which let me tell you, is not teh awesome because it’s making me have a headache. I don’t know what Brett Favre was thinking getting addicted to this shit.

So I’m going to try and go to bed. With a bag of ice on my face. So I hope you’ll forgive me for no DINAO this week. But I have something special planned for Monday, since it is Opening Day. So next week will be a bonus DINAO week because I’ll try to have 2 rounds, sans cartoons.

And if you know any sacrificial offerings I can make to Denticus or the other dental gods, it would be much appreciated. (And if this makes no sense, the Vicodin does more than make me dizzy.)

Edited to add: Thanks for all the comments!

I took 4 Advil before I went to bed and slept with an ice pack on my face and it seemed to work. It is A LOT better today. But I’m sticking with Advil and not the Vicodin, unless it gets out of control.

And for all your suggestions to go see a new dentist, as much as I’d like to, since they’ve already started and have charged me out the nose for this, I don’t want to go somewhere else and get charged all over again and they have to finish it.

But BELIEVE YOU ME, once he’s finished, I’m off to a new dentist for the crown.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me | 26 Comments »
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