Hands Off!

Posted By on May 3, 2011

One of the joys of my new job (yes, joys! I still love it! Yay!) is that I get to take public transportation to work. No more sitting in traffic, worrying about the insane increase in the cost of gas, or having to scrape mutant ice from my windshield in the winter. Added bonus? No more sweaty-ass in the summer since my car doesn’t have air conditioning!

And, as Ali mentioned, the blog fodder is amazing!

Where else can you just be sitting, silently, reading your book and then realize that the person who has his/her ass near your face just crop-dusted you?

Or, where else can you get a man to rub his arm across your chest, from the right breast to the left?

Yes, that really happened.

A few weeks ago, on a Friday night, I stopped to run a few errands downtown on my way home from work. I only point this out because it meant I was on different trains than I normally take.

I finished my shopping and walked out of the store and almost ran into this dude. I don’t know why I remember what he looked like, but I’m glad I did. He walked funny, but looked like a normal guy coming home from work, wearing khaki pants, carrying a computer bag, and wearing a Toyota baseball cap to protect him from the evening drizzle.

I went on my way, down the steps to the subway to take the Red Line. I was thankful it was later in the evening, since the Red Line can be super packed. I got a seat and went about reading my book and/or checking Twitter.

We got to Fullerton and I debated about switching to the Brown Line there, if there was a train at the stop. There wasn’t, so I went back to my book. But as I was glancing back down at my book, there was a dude running to get into our train car. He almost didn’t make it and got slammed a bit in the doors, but made it into our car. That’s when I noticed it was Toyota hat guy. Who had apparently gotten on with me at the subway stop and then changed cars at Fullerton.

“That’s weird,” I thought. “I knew that guy seemed sketch.”

We went to the next stop, Belmont, and I got off to transfer to the Brown Line. So did Toyota Hat and this other little, old man, who appeared to be with Toyota Hat. I waited a bit for a train, and as it pulled up, I made my way to the door to get on.

And that’s where it got weird. I got stuck behind the little old man. And as soon as he stepped foot into the train, he dropped the envelope he was carrying. When he bent down to pick it up, he was like Shaquille O’Neal blocking out the area under the net in basketball. He wasn’t letting anyone by until he picked up his envelope.

Keep in mind, this is all happening at the doors of the train, so me and the rest of the passengers are still on the platform, trying to shove our way on before we hear “Doors Closing.”

Little Man picks up his precious envelope and then I go to make a move around him because I notice an open seat and I want it. I move left and Little Man jumps in front of me and blocks me, as if he wants to go left. So I decide to go right, to go around him. Nuh-uh, KJ, Little Man is saying because he again blocks me out like I’m going for his rebound. I’m talking arms out, clearly NOT letting me get by. Like this:

This goes on for FAR too long (i.e. any length of time longer than ZERO SECONDS) and I finally see an opportunity to get past him and move to the back of the train to stand so that everyone can board and we can be on our way.

While I try to get past him, Little Man puts out his arm and rubs the back of his arm across my chest, breast to breast, like a full-on grope of my chesticles. Granted it was with the back of his arm, not his grubby hands, but STILL. There was a conscious effort to RUB MY GIRLS!

As this happens, I make sure to let Little Man know I didn’t appreciate his rudeness and his basketball skills by asking him “What the fuck are you doing?” I’m stunned, STUNNED, because I can’t believe I not only just got boxed out by Dennis Rodman trying to get on the train, but that I got felt up in the process!

He must have realized his mistake, because then he apologized. Probably because I called him out to the whole train and everyone was looking at him. The gig was up!

I kept my eye on him from then on out. I saw Toyota Hat appear at Little Man’s side, all of a sudden, and do a slight nod to Little Man. Then they got off at the next stop.

And I was just left standing there reflecting on the most fucking bizarre thing to happen to me in quite some time.

Ahh, the joys of public transit!


Have you been following all my good stuff over at Food Lush? Yesterday I wrote about a perfect replica of Chick-fil-A’s Diet Lemonade, that you can make at home.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


14 Responses to “Hands Off!”

  1. Sarah says:

    I bet hat man said to little old man, ‘Dude, I bet I can feel up that cute chick before you’ and little man said ‘watch and learn son’

    Seriously, that sounds gross and good on you for calling him out on it.
    Sarah´s last blog post ..80K in 80 Days

  2. -R- says:

    Yuck. I’ve only had something like that happen once, and I yelled at the guy too. So creepy.

    I was just thinking yesterday that I hope you are still liking your job. I’m so glad you are!
    -R-´s last blog post ..Living In A Minefield

  3. Rhi says:

    So weird and so creepy.

  4. Ewwwww… So awful. I’m glad you yelled at him. Frankly, I’m kinda surprised you didn’t rack him.
    Jen on the Edge´s last blog post ..Lost

  5. Angella says:


    I am so skeeved on your behalf.
    Angella´s last blog post ..Run Like A Girl

  6. pseudostoops says:

    Blergh. So annoying. Though I’m glad this story didn’t go where I thought it was going, which was with you ending up with your wallet ripped off- that’s a ploy I’ve seen before, one person blocks the way and gives the partner the opportunity to fish in someone’s bag for the goods. Not cool, public transit pickpockets.

  7. Mama Bub says:


    Oh, and, ICK.

  8. Jessica says:

    Yuck. Next time you see them (hopefully never) take their pic with your phone and give it to the transit police. That’s so sketch.
    Jessica´s last blog post ..Confession

  9. I had a man grab me once on a Paris subway. I elbowed him in the gut. Take that stinky Paris man!

  10. Cheryl says:

    Sounds like a normal Tuesday on the red line. I took it every day for years, and can’t count how many times I got “brushed” or flashed. The first time that happened to me, I burst out laughing because it just struck me as bizarre and the little man got up and ran off the train at the next stop. I must have hurt his poor feelings.

  11. ewww, they totally pick pocketed your boobies!
    Sensibly Sassy´s last blog post ..Shopping Amnesia

  12. mouncie123 says:

    Wow friggin Chicago Pervs

  13. Suzanne says:

    I wish I could say I was skeeved for you, but I think I just broke something laughing.

  14. Ree says:

    “We got to Fullerton and I debated about switching to the Brown Line there, if there was a train at the stop. There wasn’t, so I went back to my book. ”

    OMG. That was always my thought process when I did the switchover, too. But now, I just get on at Adams/Wabash and figure that it doesn’t take that much longer because of the damned wait at Fullerton or Belmont. And I almost always get a seat.

    So, I guess I’ll start texting you when I get on and see if you’re on my train!
    Ree´s last blog post ..Why did the chicken cross the street