Suck It, Bing

Posted By on December 16, 2007

This weekend, we were hit with another snow storm in Chicago. It seems like we’ve actually gotten more snow in the past few weeks in Chicago than we have the last two winters combined.

The last bigger snow storm we had, I was at the hotel for the sales conference. I was sitting on the 32nd floor, staring out at the Wrigley Building and Michigan Avenue. And it was really pretty and calming. I even ordered chili from room service and was thinking it was a perfect winter night. Until I realized that it is possible to fuck up chili and to never order chili from hotel room service ever again. How do you screw up meat, tomatoes?and beans?

And I was inside. And didn’t have to go outside. And I didn’t have to drive in it. So I could actually enjoy the peacefulness and beauty of it all.

Last night, I did not enjoy the snow. In fact, I am going to go out on a limb and say that the time above was probably one of the few times in my life I enjoyed snow. Because I loathe snow.

I spent a lot of my afternoon on Saturday in the car. I had two places to be. And one was in Indiana and the other was in Wisconsin. Well, not really. But pick the suburbs right across the border of those states and that’s where I was. Most of my drive up to Wisconsin was fine. It was a bit wet, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Well, until I got off the expressway and got onto a country road in the middle of nowhere where there were no lights. And dayum it is DARK in the country. Stars, schmars. I like city lights.

So as I’m driving like an 80-year old woman because I can’t see anything because of the DARK and the snow, it starts coming down even heavier. And it’s coming right at me. It was like being stuck in that Windows screensaver with the stars. And then all of a sudden I’m hypnotized by the snow and its white fluffiness reflecting off my headlights, I end up in a damn ditch because when you drive in the snow, you don’t pay attention to each flake. You pay attention to the road, dumbass.

OK, no. I didn’t end up in a ditch. Because when you’re 80 and driving 10 miles an hour, it is really hard to do that. Or at least that’s what the ladies at the senior center tell me. Because they are 80.

As it is coming down harder and there’s more of it everywhere and the plows are nowhere to be found and if you have a fucking plow on the end of your truck, put the damn plow down on the GROUND. Do you need a damn handwritten invitation to plow the snow-filled streets? Because the white SNOW should be your first clue.

So then I just start panicking. Me and snow, we’re not friends. We have battles. Gone are the days of admiring its beauty on the 32nd floor. I will never feel that way about snow again. Snow is dead to me. And as I start panicking, I just don’t know what to do. Except drive slower. And you can drive so slow you just stop moving.

I was heading to Jenn’s house for our girls Christmas party. She lives up by my brother. Once I got to the stoplight where heading right would have been closer to my brother’s and turning left would have been more time on the road with the snow, I flipped out. Full on crazy. Because as I tried to turn out of the intersection, I got stuck. And I just sat there with my tires spinning. Because the Sentra misses California and she decided right then to revolt and NOT MOVE. Finally after promising a car wash to make her feel pretty, she made it through the intersection.

It didn’t get much better. But I finally made it. After many tears. And calls to my mother. And every swear word known to man. You did not want to be close to me then. Sadly, Jenn and her house full of guests did have to hear the venom I can spew and the atrocity that is me stressed and pissed off and for fuck’s sake I can be such a bitch. I calmed down later after a few deep breaths gallons of red wine. But not before making the entire room uncomfortable and wishing that they were sitting outside naked in the snow because that would have been a more pleasant experience.

And I do feel bad for the way I reacted. But snow is the worst. You’re completely helpless. Nissan Sentras and wet, slippery surfaces do not play nice?together.?And pulling over is not an option. You have to get to your destination. Otherwise you’ll end up a frozen corpse when they pull your body from your car after they dig it out from the three feet of powder packed on top of it. So that plus being in the car for like four hours for 150 miles does not a happy Kristabella make. It doesn’t excuse my behavior, but at least I chilled the fuck down after that. Wine has so many useful properties.

But as my socks are still drying out because my boots are much better utilized as paperweights than actually on my feet to keep the wet, cold snow from getting inside my shoe, I’d like to let Bing Crosby know he can take his White Christmas dream and?shove it right up his ass.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


14 Responses to “Suck It, Bing”

  1. alyndabear says:

    Okay, so as a naive southern hemispherean, I love snow. But I’m sure I can understand why it would suck an awful lot. But still. Snow. Love. Want. Sort of. Don’t hate.

  2. Laurel says:

    I do NOT missing driving in snow. It is terrifying!! Even though I drove in snow early and regularly in my driving life, I still do not feel confident.

  3. This is why it took me about 2 seconds of living in North Carolina after 4 years in Chicago to completely adapt to the warm weather and become a total wuss for winter.

  4. Marianne says:

    I’m such a winter girl. I love the snow. But the ice is not so fun. So far, I haven’t fallen on my large arse … but, it’s likely just a matter of time. And also, Chicago drivers = idiots. I’m serious! It’s probably not the best idea to blow through stoplights (WITHOUT YOUR LIGHTS ON!!) when there’s ice on the roads. SCREAMMMMM!

  5. Katie says:

    Oh man, I am the same way with snow, mostly because driving in it scares the crap out of me. I had to pick the husband up from the airport after a work trip last year, on the exact night that we got a little snowstorm. I arrived at the baggage claim with a tear streaked face and splotchy skin and then got to be introduced to his boss and coworkers. Suck it, snow, suck it!

  6. Michelle says:

    Agreed. I hate snow. I did get an excellent workout this weekend shoveling my parents gigantic circular driveway, though.

  7. at least your city knows how to deal with snow. here, they put down little rock pebbles for “traction.” well little does the city of seattle know that heavy cars push said pebbles in to the snow, thus compacting the snow in to a sheet of ice with pepples in it. then it all melts and the streets are covered with rocks. it is fun.

  8. Mahnee says:

    The Windows screen saver metaphor cracked me up again. Too funny!!!!!!

  9. Closetmom says:

    ugh, if i never see snow again, i would not be sad. it’s just so…cold. glad you made it safely though!

  10. hotfessional says:

    Three Words. Suck.Ass.Snow.

    Luv ya!

  11. Liz J says:

    I live about 3 hours south of Chicago, so I know what you are dealing with – – we had the same crap this weekend you all did up there. We don’t have to deal with the lake effect snow, but Central Illinois is so damn flat that the wind blows the snow into huge drifts. I couldn’t even open my side garage door for the large mounds of snow piled up against it!

    I hate snow. I hate cold. I hate winter.

    Winter sucks! *sigh*

  12. Swishy says:

    My car HATES the snow. It actually hates the winter, but especially the snow. It took me 15 minutes just to navigate the parking lot last night. I feel your pain!

  13. I don’t know how you did it. I see a few flurries and I instantly start crying and wishing I had told my mom I love her one last time.

    Chicago was amazing, but I don’t think living there would ever be feasible for me.

    And I bet you do miss San Francisco. When I was a kid, it hailed once, and I was in such awe, I tried to save the ice pellets. (Not the smartest kid, apparently.)

    Glad you were safe, eventually.

  14. Shelly says:

    Just curious to see what you had to say about that horrid drive out to McHenry! I agree. Snow sucks ass- especially driving in it. It was great to see everyone though!