Won’t You Be My Neighbor
Posted By Kristabella on May 27, 2009
So as we all know, one of the joys of living in multi-unit buildings is having neighbors. Who literally live on top of you. And to the side of you. And behind you. And under you. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. But you get used to it. Because it comes with the fact that you share walls and floors with people. And you can only stop complaining when you either buy your own damn single-family house or when you’re old. Because old people are allowed to complain. Because they are old and getting old sucks.
I’ve actually very rarely been friendly with any of my neighbors. Through the years I have realized that this is because I don’t smoke. Because smokers hang out on their porches or decks and they meet their neighbors. I do not hang out anywhere besides my couch or bed because I’m lazy and totally anti-social and unfriendly. Also, if I meet you and befriend you, you probably will get mad when I talk about your stupid ass on my blog.
We all know my feelings on my old pot-smoking neighbors. I HATED THEM. While they were nice kids, they were just fuckwits with the world’s stupidest, fat-fingered friends that pushed the WRONG BUZZER ALL THE TIME. (Side note: I saw the one pot head dude when I was moving the last of my stuff out on Monday night. Thankfully he was on the phone and I didn’t have to tell him I was moving out all because of him and his inconsiderateness!) (Which I so would have never said because I avoid confrontation like Paris Hilton avoids panties.)
Back in California, I didn’t like any of my neighbors in the million places I lived. At one apartment, we lived below two whores who had sex ALL THE TIME. RIGHT ABOVE ME. My roomie was friends with them because she is nice and also needed someone to chat with while smoking on the patio.
At the first place I ever lived in alone, a converted garage behind a house, I moved out after six months because of the jackasses who lived in that house. They put the pot smokers to shame. They were loud. ALL THE TIME. And ALWAYS parked in my parking space. One time, while watching the Cubs in the playoffs, I screamed quite loudly at a good play. And the loud-ass neighbors were all “SHUT UP!” And then I yelled back “FUCK OFF!” They left me alone after that. And probably put water in my gas tank.
I figured I need to be nicer this time around. Since I live in a condo and we have board meetings and such. And I’m almost 32 so it is about time I am nice to someone I live near.
I haven’t met any of my neighbors really. My mom did. Because she smokes and she talked to someone outside. NOTE TO SELF – START SMOKING. But they seem to be nice. The one couple next to me, they have a dog. It’s a pretty big dog and it barks a lot. The cats are just now finally getting used to it.
Across the hall is an Indian/Middle Eastern couple. I only know 1) because of the name on the mailbox, 2) because of the sign on their front door that is written in what looks to be Arabic and 3) because they cook stinky food that smells up the hallway. Thankfully, that smell doesn’t make it into my house, otherwise I might be puking on the carpet next to the cats. I’m sure they won’t like it when I cook bacon, so we’re probably even.
The only other people I have met was a couple that I rode in the elevator with. I was in the process of bringing down a bunch of empty boxes that were cut down to throw into the recycling bin. In an effort to be the “nice neighbor”, I decided to make small talk on the two-floor ride down.
Him: Are you moving in or out?
ME: (Do not be a smart ass and point out you wouldn’t be taking empty boxes from your condo if you were moving in.) *smile* Moving in.
Him: Moving in? Then what are you doing with those boxes?
ME: (What is wrong with this person?) Yep, I moved in a few weeks ago. I’m throwing the boxes away. Well, recycling them. (Way to clarify, jackass. You clearly don’t want them to think you’re not green.)
Him: Oh yeah, I saw your truck. Why are you throwing them away?
ME: ……. *blink* *blink* Um, because I don’t need them anymore.
Him: So do you have a two bedroom? Or one and a half bedroom? How much did you pay?
ME: (Did he just ask me, totally nonchalantly, how much I paid? And what the fuck is a one and a half bedroom? My second bedroom is small, but it is a bedroom with a DOOR and a CLOSET.) Um, a two-bedroom.
Him: Oh. We’re moving out.
ME: DO YOU NEED ANY BOXES?
I know that purchase price and all that is public. I know this because I know what other people paid. And how much less than them that I paid. (One good thing about the recession!) But this is the SECOND stranger to ask me. The dude who came out for a blinds consultation asked too. So I told him I paid like some ridiculously low price. And then he was like “oh, are there any open units in the building?” And then I pretended I heard my phone ringing so that I didn’t have to talk to him anymore about housing prices and him moving into my condo building and criticizing me daily about not buying $1000 blinds from him.
You know, if this is what being a good neighbor and being nice is all about, I’m not sure I want any part of it. I think I prefer my typical curmudgeonly, snarky, drunk 30 something self instead.
About the author
They probably know that you got a good deal and are pissed.
We bought our house before 9/11 (When rates plummeted and prices skyrocketed) and we got a SCREAMING deal.
3 acres and a 3000 SQ FT house for $175,000.
I KNOW.
So, when people ask, I tell. I like to see them squirm.
😉
Angellas last blog post..Uncharted Waters
I just prefer not to get to know my neighbors. Then they’ll want to… hang out… and… borrow sugar. And they’re likely to see my at 6 in the morning, in my pajamas, taking the dogs out. And I really can’t be friends with people who see me that way.
I feel like knowing your neighbors in a multi unit building is so much more awkward than how your parents knew your neighbors in neighborhoods with single family homes, because you can’t avoid them. I know when my neighbors are washing clothes, having sex, what they’re having for dinner. We’re already in the stage of TMI. I don’t really want to get to know them, because that would just reach a level of awkward that I’m not comfortable with.
tutugirl1345s last blog post..On Notice
Our new place is a single-family house and we could not be more excited that a) we won’t have to deal with loud neighbours and b) we don’t have to worry about BEING the loud neighbours. That was one of the biggest motivations for us buying a house.
Juliennes last blog post..Completely normal or completely evil?
at my new job i have totally considered becoming a smoker. everyone smokes! how am i supposed to be social when they are all outside smoking and i am hanging out in my cube. maybe i should get candy cigarettes and stand out there. that wouldn’t be awkward…
We only have two neighbors we speak with. The others, we just spy on. 😉
Rees last blog post..Just some stuff
dude–was elevator guy high? is everyone but you in chicago high? what the hell? it is supremely rude to ask how much someone paid for a property. it is public record but they can look it up themselves at their house.
micheles last blog post..Jen Lancaster Book Signing!
also, i so feel you on the becoming a smoker thing so i can meet people!
micheles last blog post..Jen Lancaster Book Signing!
i’m sorry, I can’t get past Angella’s comment. holy shit.
alis last blog post..do I even want to know?
I’m with Ree…my apartment is right next to the vestibule doors so from the living room I can here when someone comes into/out of the building. I may not know their names, but I know what they look like!
“How much did you pay” is not only a rude question it is a LAZY ONE. It is easily accessible info if you’ve ever heard of this highly secretive, underground little thing called THE INTERNET. Or if you were paying any attention at all to the fact that units in your building were, you know, LISTED FOR SALE. Probably with a big fat FOR SALE! sign on your front lawn. PFT!
You go with your bad ass curmudgeonly self. Especially if it insulates you from asshats like him.
HollyLynnes last blog post..ZOMG IT IS FINISHED!
I can’t wait until you start going to the meetings every month, you will have so much to Blog about. Just you wait.
I am so not a neighbor person. I just can’t handle small talk and then awkwardly running into those people all the time and having to have more small talk and getting sucked into their ridiculous lives. I say be courteous and polite, but don’t be too chatty. Make them think you’re nice, but shy or some shit.
Neighbors have a way of getting into your business and before you know it they are showing up unexpectedly for drinks or telling their kids to go ahead over to your place because you would no doubt love to spend time with them for the evening. They know when you’re home!
Um…yeah. I’m dramatic, but you also reminded me of a blog post I want to write about my neighbors. So thanks!
I have one close neighbor. Used to be friends with all of them, and then someone moved in down the block who wanted to be a drama queen and relive her hs years reeking havoc anywhere she could. I finally gave up, since I graduated in 1986 and really, don’t want to go back.
There’s a difference between being friendly and being friends. It took me moving here to learn the difference.
Can’t wait to hear about your condo meetings. Should be fun!!!
Sheris last blog post..Oh Hell, I Dunno!!! I’ll Call This Mom Behaving Badly
[…] by Kristabella’s post which reminded me I have a lot to say about […]
I never knew any of my neighbors until I got a dog. Now I seem to know half the complex. We all hang out and gossip about the other neighbors while our dogs play.
Ann Maries last blog post..Not a "Dear John" Letter
I haven’t even seen my neighbors yet.
Scarlets last blog post..Via Chicago
I was ONCE friendly with a neighbor while I was sitting outside reading. She then wanted to chat EVERYTIME I was outside, so I stopped going outside. Then, she became very mad at me for ignoring her. And, then thank god she moved away. Never again will I be friendly with a neighbor.
Rhis last blog post..Please, have a laugh at my expense
Yeah, I don’t know any of my neighbors now. The first time I lived alone, which was my senior year of college, I didn’t get to know my neighbor until after Christmas break, when I was trying to lug all my stuff in as few trips as possible. He saw me drop something, grabbed it off the stairs and helped me get it into my apartment. We got to talking on the porch (as a thank you, I gave him a beer from my fridge), and by the time my friend came over that afternoon, we had covered the gamut and the 3 of us went for dinner.
Probably not the smartest thing to do, befriend a strange guy in college when I lived alone, but he ended up being a great person to help out on things (like when my ex showed up at 3am and starting banging on my door because he was drugged out of his mind and wouldn’t go away… so my neighbor walked out and threatened to call the cops and stood out there until he left).
I’ve never gotten to know my neighbours either. But I have always wanted to go knock on one of their doors just to say, “lend me some sugah, I am your neighbour” and hopefully they’d find that as hilarious as I do…but probably not because they listen to techno.
Deidres last blog post..Ways to make your daughter want to move back home: Lesson One.
Everyone in the neighborhood asked us what we paid for our house when we moved in. Irritating. Then we had the guy behind us telling us that our grass was somehow inferior to everyone elses grass and we should replace it (um, no).
Saras last blog post..Man shoots himself while trying to get party guests to leave
Yeah when I came home and found a gallon of blood on my neighbor’s doorstep, I decided itg may be a good idea to get to know my neighbors. You know, so I can identify my potential murderer in court.
thecoconutdiariess last blog post..The One Where I Try Not to Channel “Silence of The Lambs”
i DONT WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH SMOKERS OR GO ANY WHERE NEAR THE SECOND HAND SMOKE OR BE WITH THEM WHEN THEY A RE DRINKING BEER . THATS WHY i DONT SOCIALIZE WITH THESE NEIGHBORS . ALSO EVERYTIME i TAKE OUT MY GARBAGE THEY RUN TO THEIR WINDOW AND TO START A CONVERSATION. and I literally mean every time I go out they ask where I am going gosh how intrusive . their child screams so much they are truelly neighbors from hell .