I Has A Mortgage
Posted By Kristabella on April 26, 2009
So this seems like old news, but for those of you who do not follow me on Twitter or on Facebook, maybe you haven’t heard: I CLOSED ON MY CONDO!
I know! Can you believe it? BECAUSE I CANNOT! I was convinced that this whole thing was jinxed and that writing about closing was going to make the whole thing fall through!
Well, and up until I signed the documents, I was actually thinking that OHMYGOD! THIS WHOLE THING IS GOING TO FALL THROUGH! And why would I think that, you ask? Well, because my lawyer and my lender got into a pissing contest over email about ONE HOUR before I was set to close.
Oh yes, the drama with this purchase went right up until the last possible second.
I worked from home in the morning because my closing wasn’t until 1 PM. At about 10 AM, I got an email from my lawyer and he was perturbed, to say the least. The paperwork for the loan STILL wasn’t done and I wasn’t going to have final figures for my closing costs until after 11 AM. My lawyer voiced in this email exactly what I was thinking, which was “this is inexcusable. We’ve shown this lender more than enough patience with this whole thing.”
And then I was all “Boo yeah, lawyer dude! I could kiss you!”
So what I didn’t notice was that the lender was copied on that email. So the lender fired back at my lawyer. And he was all “thanks for the comments, but basically you’re an asshole. There was this issue and this issue and this issue and we forced the developer to do this and we did this, yada, yada, yada.” Basically it was a whole host of things that had delayed the loan. THINGS THAT NONE OF US HAD HEARD ABOUT UNTIL THAT MOMENT.
I was pissed. I mean, really, had we known these things and how hard my lender was working, we wouldn’t have been calling him all the time. Not that he ever called any of us back or returned our emails. The dude fails at communication skills. Fails with a capital FUCK YOU.
I was just about to fire off an email to my lender to say “this information would have been nice to know THREE WEEKS AGO!” And there probably would have been an F bomb or two and it would be insanely incoherent. But right before I did that, my laywer fired back. And he eloquently was like “Hey lender jackass, this would have been nice to know THREE WEEKS AGO! Also, you said you did like 10 other loans in this building, why didn’t you know about those issues? Also, why are you such a ginormous tool?” (No, he didn’t say all that.)
And I was like “RIGHT ON LAWYER! YOU TELL HIM!”
Meanwhile, lender sends back another email in response and the only thing I remember about that was that he mentioned that my mortgage rates expired on April 22. And instead of filing an extension (which would cost me money), he just let them expire and re-locked them in on Thursday, April 23, which was why there was a delay in the paperwork being finished on Friday. Which, yay for no added costs. But…
Um, what? MY RATES EXPIRED AND MY FUCKING LENDER DIDN’T EVEN ALERT ME? They changed. Not by much, but they did change. When I read that, I was pissed. Because at the time I figured they probably changed A LOT and not for the better. (Seriously, he’s so lucky they didn’t. And how hard is it TO TELL ME THESE THINGS?)
But I didn’t have time to think about this because at this point, it was noon. And I was still waiting for my closing costs and I still had to go to the bank and I still had to you know, like, go to the closing.
I finally heard from my lawyer at noon with the costs. And then he apologized for throwing the hammer down with lender dude. And I was like “oh, no need to apologize. He needed to be told those things. He is the worst communicator I’ve ever met.” And then my lawyer was all “I was tired of his horseshit excuses.” And then I decided that the $500 I spent on my lawyer was the best $500 I’ve ever spent. On anything. Including my laptop. (Sorry, Lappy.)
The closing went fine. I signed a lot of papers, just like you all warned me. Except I signed double because I had 2 loans. I forgot my middle initial on most of the papers and had to go back and add them in. I don’t think my signature was the same twice. But I got everything signed and we all laughed about how smart the lender was for not showing up because he probably didn’t want to be kicked in the balls by me. (Although I did joke that because I do not like him, if he did show up, he was going to be 35, hot and single and I was going to have to get all flirty and tell him I’d like to discuss everything over dinner and thank him properly.)
Oh! And my realtor gave me a gift. I figured it would be a candle or a picture frame or a bottle of wine. I mean, normal housewarming type stuff, right? I mean, even that Canadian chick on Property Virgins comes by with some awkward gift basket. So when I opened the gift, I was NOT expecting a FLIP VIDEO CAMERA. How fucking awesome is that? I seriously think I had a very wrong response because really? A Flip? I’ve so been wanting one! And I think I was so in shock that my already AWESOME realtor could get any more AWESOME! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!
After I signed my life away, I went to my new place. I twirled in a circle in the empty living room and unpacked a few boxes that I brought over. And then I turned on the air conditioning, BECAUSE I COULD. And it was glorious!
In addition to boxes, I brought over a beer because THIS EVENT NEEDED TO BE CELEBRATED!
And as I was sitting on my granite countertops, drinking my beer, I started crying. I was overcome with emotion. It had finally happened. All the worry and the stressing and the acid eating a hole in my stomach, it was ALL WORTH IT! I did it! All by myself! I bought a condo, a HOME, a place I am so happy about that I cannot wait to move in.
I couldn’t be happier. Well, that’s a lie. I’d be happier if the boxes packed themselves.
About the author
I think your lender and my (former) (thank god) caterer went to the same school of communication. Which is to say, THE SCHOOL OF NO COMMUNICATION WHATSOEVER, where you can take NOT REPLYING TO EMAILS 101 and major in NEVER CALLING BACK.
Congratulations on your big purchase! You are now SO GROWN UP. God, I’m not even sure if we can still be friends.
Nothing But Bonfiress last blog post..Let’s Ask For A Falafel Machine Instead
SO happy for you. Congratulations. We want to purchase the house we’ve been renting for the last two years, but I get laughed out of every mortgage place I’ve tried because of our credit.
*sighs*
But enough of my pity party. Enjoy the “new”…. you deserve it!
Congratulations! I’m so excited for you! I can’t wait to see more pictures as you settle in!
Congrats! Pretty kitchen. We are getting ready to put our house on the market and yeah, the process sucks. But I am dying to move.
Party at your condo for BlogHer!
Congratulations! Were you able to get settled at all over the weekend? We’re semi-settled, but Alex was frantic this morning because he couldn’t find his toothbrush. Was it bad that I told him I didn’t know where it was when I actually threw it out because it was so disgusting?
And your kitchen is BEAUTIFUL!
Congrats on your new home, the home of your very own!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
Hurray!
Yay for your condo and your Flip video camera! I am so excited to see pictures!
I have a friend that is going through HELL trying to buy a house, so much so that they just got all their money back and out of a contract.
I am so glad that you are finally through it and happy in your condo!
Yay! Congrats!
Plus, I love hearing stories where the lawyer is the good guy for once.
YAY for homeownership!!!!
Congratulations homeowner!
brookes last blog post..ch-ch-changes
Congrats on being a homeowner. A Flip video camera? Damn, I don’t remember getting anything when we signed. Cheap Bastard.
Ritzs last blog post..The Prom is for Assholes Extravaganza
Beer makes the pain go away!! Congrats KJ!!!
Woohoo! SO HAPPY FOR YOU!
Angellas last blog post..Crunch Time
OMG, you are such a grown up! I can only dream. Congratulations!
Congratulations! I’m so jealous- the boyfriend and I went open house stalking yesterday, drooling over new construction and “master suites.” Oh to dream!
Kitchen Vixens last blog post..Quiche
Very cool, I know as you were going trhough everything your heart was racing. But it is your’s…all yours!
Very awesome!
Christinas last blog post..Antoehr one hits the dust!
I would have started drinking during the smackdown. Congratulations on remaining sober while they lawyer and lender came to cyber fisticuffs and congrats on your new home!
Dingos last blog post..Washed Up
OOOOooh la la! I am so, so happy for you and your shiny granite countertops.
Congratulations, Chica. But next time celebrate with real beer, and not goat urine.
Namaste.
Phils last blog post..Mt. Hope Winery Beer Festival
Congratulations! Your kitchen looks awesome!
Melisas last blog post..Fun with Austin
Congrats! Please send me your address 🙂
GAAAHH! EXCITEMENT! Your place looks amazing, from the 1/8 of it I can see in that photo. We demand photos!
Amanda Nicoles last blog post..switching sides
Congratulations!
Coast Rats last blog post..2009 – Week #8 Mississippi Gulf Coast Blue Bird Trail Update
Congratulations!
I love your kitchen cabinets. We want PICTURES!
Summers last blog post..The Darker Side of Me
PARTY AT KRISTIN’S!!!!!!
Kimberlys last blog post..So Not Famous
Congratulations!
Congratulations on closing! Your lender sounds like a big tool; Thank goodness for you lawyer. 🙂
Jennies last blog post..Grace
Yay, yay, yay for you!
KJ’s Lawyer = Epic Success
KJ’s Lender = Epic Fail
KJ’s Condo FTW!!!
Woo hoo! I told you it would work out, even though, yes, the process does suck the big one.
And now you have a dishwasher. Awesome!
Elizabeths last blog post..Stabby Part Two
Huge congrats. That’s probably one of the sweetest beers you’ve ever tasted. Here’s to home ownership!
Congratulations Kristabella!!!! We’re so happy for you!
I’ll add my congrats to you as well! As much as I loathe the packing, I love the arranging furniture & unpacking part.
Have fun!
Yay! Congrats again. You really deserved that beer 🙂
Ambers last blog post..Because I have to compensate for my red hair somehow…
Yay! I am so, so excited for you, and may possibly come over to stalk you in person when I come visit in June.
metalias last blog post..Really, when are school pictures NOT unintentionally hilarious?
Yay! Now lets go jump on your bed to celebrate.
How very very awesome!I am really happy for you. I can’t wait to see more pictures or a video tour!
P.S. your lender sounds like a giant tool bag and your lawyer sounds like a bad ass!
sensibly sassys last blog post..Hurdles
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
i am so happy for you. even though you think you are babbling and annoying people with the condo posts–i have learned a lot! thanks.
micheles last blog post..Memorial: Bea Arthur
Dude, I got a fucking orchid when I bought my condo. I didn’t even pretend that it was going to be alive in 6 months – I just threw the sucker out with my empty moving boxes.
oh … and congrats! I’m happy it all worked out for you.
hillarys last blog post..I Got My Swim Trunks And My Flippie Floppies
that is AWESOME. straight up AWESOME. (kind of like your lawyer! and your realtor! and kind of like the OPPOSITE of your doucheriffic lender!)
Alices last blog post..have you had your coffee yet? ok good. let’s talk about sex.
Congrats! Now please use your awesome housewarming gift to give us a virtual tour please 🙂
Miss Es last blog post..The Stockholm Syndrome
someday, i hope to be a real adult like you! until then, please know that i’m insanely jealous.
also, i love that you called your laptop “Lappy”. is that its regular name or what that special just for the post? 🙂
aunties last blog post..Happenings (Not to be confused with "The Happening", which totally sucked rocks.)
Oh, I’m so thrilled for you. THRILLED.
(I will forgive your beer of choice, THAT is how thrilled I am for you.)
She Likes Purples last blog post..All over the place like the awful Capricorn I claim to be
congratu-fucking-lations!!! that’s gotta be one of the best feelings EVER, to have your own space, to do with whatever you want, and to know that your monthly payments aren’t going to pay deadbeat landlords and maintenance men. 🙂 post pics soon!
stefs last blog post..review: yann tiersen at logan square auditorium, chicago, illinois.
Hooorahhh!
jens last blog post..It’s raining again
There must be something about being in realty that attracts drama queens. Everyone involved in my closing seemed to revel in the drama.
Congrats, homeowner!
Sarahs last blog post..Hey….. This IS my Tan!
CONGRATS! This is so awesome. And really, your story cracked me up. Only you could have such a dramatic closing. hahahaha
living with lindsays last blog post..Five Home Decorating Lessons We Can Learn From Disney
Oh that is soooo soo sooo so so so sOOO exciting! But now I am expecting some movie genius with the flip and the unpacking….JUST SAYING. 😉
Deidres last blog post..A Note the Self: The "Well that’s adorable" edition