I Has A Mortgage

Posted By on April 26, 2009

So this seems like old news, but for those of you who do not follow me on Twitter or on Facebook, maybe you haven’t heard: I CLOSED ON MY CONDO!

I know! Can you believe it? BECAUSE I CANNOT! I was convinced that this whole thing was jinxed and that writing about closing was going to make the whole thing fall through!

Well, and up until I signed the documents, I was actually thinking that OHMYGOD! THIS WHOLE THING IS GOING TO FALL THROUGH! And why would I think that, you ask? Well, because my lawyer and my lender got into a pissing contest over email about ONE HOUR before I was set to close.

Oh yes, the drama with this purchase went right up until the last possible second.

I worked from home in the morning because my closing wasn’t until 1 PM. At about 10 AM, I got an email from my lawyer and he was perturbed, to say the least. The paperwork for the loan STILL wasn’t done and I wasn’t going to have final figures for my closing costs until after 11 AM. My lawyer voiced in this email exactly what I was thinking, which was “this is inexcusable. We’ve shown this lender more than enough patience with this whole thing.”

And then I was all “Boo yeah, lawyer dude! I could kiss you!”

So what I didn’t notice was that the lender was copied on that email. So the lender fired back at my lawyer. And he was all “thanks for the comments, but basically you’re an asshole. There was this issue and this issue and this issue and we forced the developer to do this and we did this, yada, yada, yada.” Basically it was a whole host of things that had delayed the loan. THINGS THAT NONE OF US HAD HEARD ABOUT UNTIL THAT MOMENT.

I was pissed. I mean, really, had we known these things and how hard my lender was working, we wouldn’t have been calling him all the time. Not that he ever called any of us back or returned our emails. The dude fails at communication skills. Fails with a capital FUCK YOU.

I was just about to fire off an email to my lender to say “this information would have been nice to know THREE WEEKS AGO!” And there probably would have been an F bomb or two and it would be insanely incoherent. But right before I did that, my laywer fired back. And he eloquently was like “Hey lender jackass, this would have been nice to know THREE WEEKS AGO! Also, you said you did like 10 other loans in this building, why didn’t you know about those issues? Also, why are you such a ginormous tool?” (No, he didn’t say all that.)


Meanwhile, lender sends back another email in response and the only thing I remember about that was that he mentioned that my mortgage rates expired on April 22. And instead of filing an extension (which would cost me money), he just let them expire and re-locked them in on Thursday, April 23, which was why there was a delay in the paperwork being finished on Friday. Which, yay for no added costs. But…

Um, what? MY RATES EXPIRED AND MY FUCKING LENDER DIDN’T EVEN ALERT ME? They changed. Not by much, but they did change. When I read that, I was pissed. Because at the time I figured they probably changed A LOT and not for the better. (Seriously, he’s so lucky they didn’t. And how hard is it TO TELL ME THESE THINGS?)

But I didn’t have time to think about this because at this point, it was noon. And I was still waiting for my closing costs and I still had to go to the bank and I still had to you know, like, go to the closing.

I finally heard from my lawyer at noon with the costs. And then he apologized for throwing the hammer down with lender dude. And I was like “oh, no need to apologize. He needed to be told those things. He is the worst communicator I’ve ever met.” And then my lawyer was all “I was tired of his horseshit excuses.” And then I decided that the $500 I spent on my lawyer was the best $500 I’ve ever spent. On anything. Including my laptop. (Sorry, Lappy.)

The closing went fine. I signed a lot of papers, just like you all warned me. Except I signed double because I had 2 loans. I forgot my middle initial on most of the papers and had to go back and add them in. I don’t think my signature was the same twice. But I got everything signed and we all laughed about how smart the lender was for not showing up because he probably didn’t want to be kicked in the balls by me. (Although I did joke that because I do not like him, if he did show up, he was going to be 35, hot and single and I was going to have to get all flirty and tell him I’d like to discuss everything over dinner and thank him properly.)

Oh! And my realtor gave me a gift. I figured it would be a candle or a picture frame or a bottle of wine. I mean, normal housewarming type stuff, right? I mean, even that Canadian chick on Property Virgins comes by with some awkward gift basket. So when I opened the gift, I was NOT expecting a FLIP VIDEO CAMERA. How fucking awesome is that? I seriously think I had a very wrong response because really? A Flip? I’ve so been wanting one! And I think I was so in shock that my already AWESOME realtor could get any more AWESOME! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!

After I signed my life away, I went to my new place. I twirled in a circle in the empty living room and unpacked a few boxes that I brought over. And then I turned on the air conditioning, BECAUSE I COULD. And it was glorious!

In addition to boxes, I brought over a beer because THIS EVENT NEEDED TO BE CELEBRATED!


And as I was sitting on my granite countertops, drinking my beer, I started crying. I was overcome with emotion. It had finally happened. All the worry and the stressing and the acid eating a hole in my stomach, it was ALL WORTH IT! I did it! All by myself! I bought a condo, a HOME, a place I am so happy about that I cannot wait to move in.

I couldn’t be happier. Well, that’s a lie. I’d be happier if the boxes packed themselves.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


61 Responses to “I Has A Mortgage”

  1. slynnro says:

    Congrats…but you best be quickly thinking of something else people can give you assvice about.

    slynnros last blog post..Their Ads Finally Got to Me.

  2. Eileen says:

    heck- I feel like crying. I am sooooo excited for you

    Eileens last blog post..Regrets

  3. Moose says:

    Congratulations! Now I can send obsessive, never-ending emails to a HOMEOWNER.

    Mooses last blog post..If You Can’t Find Me Tomorrow, Check Australia

  4. Ree says:

    Congratulations sweetie! I’m so happy for you!

    Rees last blog post..MM – Cleaning

  5. TUWABVB says:

    I just smiled at that last paragraph – so happy for you!

    TUWABVBs last blog post..House Hunters From Hell

  6. Scarlet says:

    I feel super special that I got to hear much of this story IN PERSON!

    Scarlets last blog post..Rain Song

  7. regan says:

    You own a home! Think of all the new and exciting places your cats will be able to puke!

  8. OHmommy says:

    Many many congrats on your new place.

    OHmommys last blog post..To (some) frazzled mothers of toddlers

  9. Fraulein N says:

    Yay, congrats!

    Fraulein Ns last blog post..Fraulein N, Fashion Detective

  10. That is the most ridiculous closing story! Your lawyer sounds like he was the perfect person to have on your side throughout this process. And a Flip?! What a great realtor. You know this means that you’ll have to post videos now, right? CONGRATULATIONS!!!

    La Petite Chics last blog post..Holly

  11. diana says:

    Congratulations – glad you had a good attorney and realtor – they make a huge difference. And I am totally in the same “hating on my lender” team photo as I have been trying to refinance my mortgage since January and it is, hello, April! And unless I call twice and email no one responds to me. But enough about me – Yeah you and your dishwasher.

    dianas last blog post..Happy Anniversary to Us