CYOB – Choose Your Own Blogventure Take Two

Posted By on August 1, 2008

Do you remember those Choose YOur Own Adventure books from when you were a kid? Well I wanted to test my skills as a fiction writer, so today I am participating in Nancy Pearl Wannabe’s CYOB – Choose Your Own Blogventure. Click here to start at the beginning and read away, choosing your story as you go.

(Previous section can be found here.)

“Aww, fuck,” Aaron yelped as his ass hit the ground when Zombie Beej dropped him. He saw the back of Zombie Beej’s head as he ran down the street just like a kid who just heard the tinkling of the ice cream truck down the block.

Zombie Beej took off in the direction of the noise, almost immediately re-thinking his decision not to eat Aaron’s brains. He ran over to the side of the house on the corner of the block where he saw a tall model-like woman messing around in her back yard with an axe. Upon closer review, Zombie Beej noticed that this beautiful woman was chopping down her tree into small sticks.

As if on cue, the woman looked up and saw Zombie Beej staring at her, drool and blood dripping from his mouth. She yelped out and then immediately picked up two of the sticks she had just chopped and started clacking them together.

CLICK CLACK CLICK CLACK

“Stay away from me,” she yelled at Zombie Beej. In between her yelling and screaming, she clicked and clacked those sticks together frantically, as if something magical was supposed to happen.

CLICK CLACK CLICK CLACK

“Why are you clacking those sticks together?” Zombie Beej asked her, amused by her quirkiness.

“It’s well-known lore that clacking these sticks together will keep the zombies away,” she stated, proud of her zombie knowledge, and for her use of lore in a sentence.

“Did two little twin girls give you that information?” Zombie Beej asked. “Because I’m pretty sure that is straight out of The Parent Trap right there. Someone played you, honey.” And then he laughed until so much drool came out of his mouth it soaked his worn Boston Red Sox shirt.

“Well, then smartypants,” the woman said, “why don’t you tell me how I am supposed to kill a zombie.”

“Mawfwahuhuhwahfuhnn,” Beej answered.

“Oh my God! Was that just zombie speak for how you’re going to kill me?” the woman asked in a panic.

“No, sorry, I tried talking with peanut butter in my mouth,” he said. “What I was trying to say is that it is common knowledge that you could have easily killed all these zombies with one swift blow to the neck with your axe there.”

Right then Zombie Beej heard the screeching of the tires of a car heading in his direction. As he turned to look to see where the car was coming from, he noticed that Aaron had hobbled over after being dropped on his ass and was reaching for the axe – the axe that Zombie Beej had just said was easiest way to kill zombies. “Brilliant,” Beej thought to himself. “I am so SMRT.”

Aaron snatched the axe off the ground and immediately lunged at Zombie Beej, trying to aim as close to his neck as he could, so he could decapitate his zombie ass.

But just as the axe was about to make contact with Zombie Beej’s neck, Beej picked up one of the sticks of wood on the ground and held it out in front of the axe that was cutting through the air, getting rather close to his skin. He got the stick up just in time to have the axe glance off the wood and just miss cutting Beej’s carotid artery and ending his lonely, zombie life.

Feeling victorious with his quick thinking, Beej started thinking about the beautiful woman who originally was chopping wood. Beej realized he didn’t even know her name. As he turned around to ask the beautiful, lanky blonde what her name was, he saw Shelley come out of nowhere, jumping out of the Popemobile wielding an axe. Before he could even take in a breath, the axe sliced its way through the skin around Beej’s neck and he was instantly dead in a bloody heap on the ground.

Shelley, proud of her job well done, looked over in the corner of the yard to see Aaron cowering like a baby in the fetal position covered in drops of Zombie Beej’s blood.

“Shit never gets done right unless a woman does it,” Shelley said as she grabbed Aaron and the woman as they hightailed it out of town in the Popemobile. “But thank God I have a good story for my blog post.”

El Fin

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.

Comments

13 Responses to “CYOB – Choose Your Own Blogventure Take Two”

  1. courtney says:

    GIRL POWER! I knew Shelley would save the day.

    Hilarious ending! Well done!

    courtneys last blog post..Choose Your Own Blogventure: The Sequel

  2. mickey says:

    A Parent Trap reference! Bizarro! And so much feminism going on in this chapter.

    mickeys last blog post..Choose Your Own Blogventure II

  3. I had my money on Shelley all along.

    The Modern Gals last blog post..CYOB: Let’s get it on

  4. Okay, that is SO WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. And your Parent Trap reference is totally amazing. “It keeps the mountain lions away!” Haley Mills would be proud.

  5. Dingo says:

    You just crack me up.

    Dingos last blog post..You Didn’t Kill Jax?! (CYOB)

  6. abbersnail says:

    Oh my GOD I am laughing so hard right now.

    abbersnails last blog post..CYOB: Shelley ignores Aaron and continues watching TV.

  7. Noelle says:

    Shelley to the rescue. I love it!

    Noelles last blog post..CYOB

  8. Sarah says:

    I used to LOVE choose your own adventure books. Do they still make them I wonder?

    Sarahs last blog post..And the Winner IS……

  9. Lauren says:

    Great end to a story!! Girls rule the day!

    Laurens last blog post..Flugtag, German for…. flight day

  10. manic mommy says:

    i tried to get on your blog the other day but my computer was effed up and it wouldn’t let me on. i had found an alarm clock that made bacon when it woke you up and i immediately thought of YOU and I had the link and everything, but since i couldn’t get onto your blog to tell you, well, i lost the link. i guess i could google it to find it again, but i’m too lazy. but i wanted to tell you! lol!

    manic mommys last blog post..Prize Winners & Mamma Mia!

  11. Allison says:

    It took me a while to make it to this version of the story from the beginning…but I’m glad I did. Parent Trap? Priceless!!

    Allisons last blog post..If Only I Had The Strength To Be A Vegetarian

  12. DM says:

    AWESOME!

    Great Parent Trap reference (although I first thought it was the creepy Shining girls which someone mentioned earlier).

    Poor Beej but it will teach him to not try and eat people. Great job Shelley!

    DMs last blog post..Work is hell. Unless you work with Christy

  13. RA says:

    Go, Shelley! And yeah, blog fodder is totally worth it.

    RAs last blog post..Last fling