I’ve Haven’t Complained About The Heat In Awhile
Posted By Kristabella on June 5, 2008
Guess what? Summer is officially here. Not the summer solstice kind of official, but the unofficial THE HUMIDITY IS SLOWLY KILLING ME AND MAKING ME STABBY arrival of summer.
I have a few things to say about this.
- I am excited. I get to wear flip flops. Which is the one thing that will make me happy always.
- On Tuesday, May 27, about 10 days ago, it was 48 degrees. FORTY EIGHT DEGREES! I wanted to wear my winter coat because HOLY SHIT! I think the wind chill that day was in the upper 30s(!), but I refused because wool coats should NOT be worn in almost-June in Chicago. Ever.
- We went from like 48 degrees to 75 to 90 degrees! Like overnight.
- My current haircut does not like humidity. I blow dry it in the morning, it is straight and has a slight bit of volume to it. Then I get to work, look in the mirror and realize I look a strung out crack whore who just woke up after sleeping in a cardboard box under the expressway. It gets all stringy and flat and FUGLY. DO NOT WANT!
- It is not snowing. This is a good thing.
- But it also means I have to install that heavy, cumbersome window air conditioner unit like yesterday.
- Cranky season for KJ has officially opened.
SHUTYOURFUCKINGMEATFACE
So last night I stepped on my cat. And that is not a euphemism for having hot, hot sex. I actually stepped on my cat. And I don’t mean like I accidentally stepped on a small part of his tail. I mean I crushed my cat’s entire torso under my ginormous, ski-like feet.
The ceiling fan in my bedroom doesn’t have separate switches for the light or fan. So if the fan is on (which it will be from now until October) and I need light in my room, I have to step on the bed and pull the chainy thing.
Last night I needed to turn the light on, so I stepped on my bed, pulled the chain and stepped back down.
“Hmmmmm,” I wondered. “When did my hardwood floor get so squishy?”
So I look down and there is my cat Simba underneath the weight of my foot. And he’s not really making any noise, but that might have been because I stepped on his neck and chest, FLATENING HIM, and he probably had a little trouble getting air into his lungs. Seeing as a chubby giant was standing on HIS NECK.
I freaked out. Well, actually I yelled at him for following me so closely. Because what the fuck cat? You brought this on yourself!
But then as I stepped my foot back, as to remove my flip flop from his chest cavity, I slipped and fell forward. So I stepped on him AGAIN.
Then I was worried about the other cat. What if she saw me step on Simba? She’d never get close to me again. (Which isn’t such a bad thing when it is 90 degrees in your apartment and she is a walking ball of hair.) So I turn, guiltily, and look out the bedroom door. And there she is. FROZEN. Staring at me, mouth agape, horrified and wondering how hard it would be to chew her way through the window screen and jump three stories to FREEDOM!
And now just thinking about it makes me laugh so hard that I pee a little and as we speak the stupid cat is trying to sit on my lap and lick my arm because apparently he has forgotten that I STEPPED ON HIM! TWICE!
I also find anyone falling absolutely hysterical.
SHUTYOURFUCKINGMEATFACE
So The Hotfessional sent me an email today telling me about the BlogHer Open Mic thingy that they are having at the annual conference in July. You submit a post in one of the five categories and if they like you, like really like you, you get to stand up in a room full of people and read your post out loud.
Did you read that correctly? YOU STAND UP IN FRONT OF A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS AND READ SOMETHING YOU HAVE WRITTEN OUT LOUD! FOR ALL THE HEAR!
That sound you heard was the THUD of me passing out and falling off the couch onto the hardwood floors.
So I wrote The Hotfessional back and was all “are you fucking insane? Do I need to call 911 and have them send a truck to take you to the funny farm? Because hell no! You are insane! And have I mentioned you are insane?”
And then I told my mom, and she’s all “it will prepare for you for your future book tours.” (Don’t you just love my mom and always with the ENCOURAGING?)
And Raven told me she’d be there for moral support if I got picked and would not point and laugh at all. To my face, at least.
Then I realized that The Hotfessional TOLD me I should do it. And I lurve her and will do as she says. Otherwise she may beat me up with her shit-kicking boots. Have you seen those heels?
I’m going to be reading though my archives and pick a few for you to choose from. Because I need help and can do nothing on my own. Too bad the Bacon ones can’t really stand alone (I mean without confusing a whole room of people) because his posts would be a shoo-in.
SHUTYOURFUCKINGMEATFACE
People, I REALLY want to make the Bacon: Shut Your Fucking Meat Face shirt that Jenn suggested and you all seem to also WANT WANT WANT! But I have no design skills! Or any idea about how to go about it! So I need your help! We need someone to make a Bacon “Shut Your Fucking Meat Face!” design for a shirt. And then I can post it on CafePress.com and the genius of Bacon will SWEEP THE NATION.
Any halp any of you can provide would be teh awesome. Kthxbai!
SHUTYOURFUCKINGMEATFACE
And now it is time to eat my third bowl of ice cream and wring out my underwear. In no particular order of importance.
About the author
“SHUT YOUR FUCKING MEAT FACE” didn’t go over so well at today’s client meeting. It sure felt good to say it, though. Can you direct me to the nearest unemployment line? KTHXBAI.
(Just kidding. I didn’t SAY it but I did THINK it. Several times, actually, and it always made me smile.)
Jules
House of Jules
HouseofJules’s last blog post..Remarkably valiant, indeed
Have you SEEN the designs on Cafe Press? They are miniscule.
witchypoo’s last blog post..The Queen
Kristabella is totally serious that she finds anyone falling HYSTERICAL…fortunately, she’s still alive today because when I fell off a curb in Rolla, MO, she waited to make sure I was OK BEFORE she started laughing.
Your cat is mighty forgiving… I rolled over in my sleep and CRUSHED our little cat about a year ago, and he still has not forgiven me. Which is OK, because now I get my pillow to myself again.
Operation Pink Herring’s last blog post..WANT
BAWAHAHAHAHA!
except for the flatten kitty.
=)
Ashmystir’s last blog post..TGIF… Be an open book!
Of course I won’t point and laugh at your face…you MIGHT STEP ON ME!
Raven’s last blog post..from our living room
I think we just found your BlogHer presentation post. Everything from “So last night I stepped on my cat” through “I also find anyone falling absolutely hysterical”. Because I peed my pants a little just sitting here reading it!!!
Ree’s last blog post..For Sweetney
Ah! Thank you! Now every time my co-worker pisses me off today, i’m just going to think “shut your fucking meat face!” Pretty sure that’ll make me feel much better!
Erin’s last blog post..This is Why I need a Man in the House!
you’re lucky. my mom really could care less about the things i do…”do you still do that online stuff?” hahaha
ali’s last blog post..beast of burden. and the soccer field.
I love the idea of a squishy hardwood floor. That story made me laugh.
Noelle’s last blog post..Quick update…
I am one of the few, sick people who love the stifling, unbearable heat. It makes me happy. Far fewer people look at you funny for drinking a margarita at 10am in the dead of summer than in December. It’s my kind of season.
She Likes Purple’s last blog post..Dragging Along
Im going to nominate the post you wrote about walking down the aisle with the asu mascot (i forget his name).
http://www.amazon.com/FUNKY-BACON-CAR-AIR-FRESHENER/dp/B000SSVZLW/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1212772302&sr=1-12
Ashmystir’s last blog post..TGIF… Be an open book!
BACON TSHIRT? check! I’m on it. Seriously. I do have work to do, but I will make this happen.
I would LOVE to do the open mic thing too! I just don’t think my posts are worthy. Bah.
You, however, will be HILARIOUS.
Angella’s last blog post..Need Cards For BlogHer?
Ugh…. tomorrow will be 96 in NY and I have to go to an outdoors wedding.
STAB STAB STAB
Laurel’s last blog post..Sorry Boys, Lindsey’s Off The Market
Hey, no snow is a good thing, especially in June! Hopefully kitty learned his lesson? Maybe was trying to make up for it by kisses on your arm?
First, cat story? Too fucking funny.
And why can’t bacon come along?
Candy’s last blog post..Altercation with The Crazies, Part IV
Ok, off topic, but I was reading the end of Such a Pretty Fat last night, and I got to the part where you were mentioned, and it was all I could do not to point and squee! at the references. Seriously.
Somehow, I think I would’ve had my Business Class ticket revoked and asked to join the masses of regular people if I’d squeed.
And I so do love the leather seats and free booze.
The Muse’s last blog post..NYC, Part Deuce
Please have your moo cards say SHUTYOURFUCKINGMEATFACE
That is all 🙂
Rhi’s last blog post..Friday Bullets
The easiest thing to do would just make the shirt look like the folder, um, I mean, like BACON. Can you scan it and sent it to a shirt company? But make sure you record the call because I really want to hear you try to explain exactly how the shirt must contain the spinning piece bacon! “Oh, no, sir, not a REAL piece of bacon. A fake one. Because a real piece of bacon spinning on shirt would not make sense!”
Jenn’s last blog post..You’re The One Who Slept With A Fat Guy for Tiger Woods Tickets
Hotfessional speaks wisely. This post definitely has that “Holy ****” factor, especially after stepping on the cat.
Lys’s last blog post..From Meowmix: Tips for the Ladies…
okay…
1) flat hair is always better in humidity than supercurly hair so SHUTYOURFUCKINGMEATFACE!
2) I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stepped on my little guys. It’s a wonder they still love me. I also make them wear hats.
3) http://www.customink.com – you can make any kind of t-shirt you want. My brother-in-law did for our Avon Walk.
Sarah’s last blog post..They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab…
okay…
1) flat hair is always better than supercurly hair any day so SHUTYOURFUCKINGMEATFACE!
2) I’ve stepped on my little guys so many times it’s a wonder they still love me. Also, I make them wear hats.
3) http://customink.com you can design any kind of shirt. My brother-in-law did for our Avon Walk.
Sarah’s last blog post..They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab…
Stepping on a cat is a good way to die. They are vengeful fuckers.
Also, I’m pretty sure I can’t participate in this open mic shit as 90% of my posts are profanity.
slynnro’s last blog post..HOME ALONE.
Slynnro took the “shit” out of my mouth with her comment. I am curious if they have a requirement like: “To speak here, you must use 6 references to ILOVEBLOGHER.”
But you know, I’m fairly certain that SHUTYOURFUCKINGMEATFACE isn’t really an F-Bomb as it’s just a small part of a greater whole. At least that’s what I’ll tell my boss when I get fired on Monday for dropping it.
Also–I think that my cats are basically super special, if you catch my drift. That’s why I keep them around. They make me feel like a genius. Stupid Cats. *nervous laughter* shit–I think they saw me type that….sendmedicskthanksbai!
The Over-Thinker’s last blog post..I am quirky….let me count 5 ways…
It is soooo hot and sticky here and you are right-it happened overnight!
Scarlet’s last blog post..The Sleep
Would it be too rabbit bolier (ala Ms Jen Lancaster reference to Glen Close) if I said I absolutly adore you, even though I have only been reading your blog for a short time and have never met you?
Whatever, you fuckin crack me up.
Wendy
Wendy’s last blog post..A Letter to Our Family and Friends
Oh, my ribs! I am laughing so hard at your near cat kill!! Oh my heck, that was funny!
Kimberly/ MommaK’s last blog post..75 Things I May Or May Not Be Able To Do
Wringing it out IN your bowl of ice cream?
I’m just saying. These things can happen.
girlplease’s last blog post..10 weeks
LOL – I nearly spat out my coffee! I’ve stepped on my boyfriend’s cat like that before. He likes to blend in with the rug, and thinks my approaching foot is going to pet him, or something.
kir’s last blog post..Earthtones
Wait. Stepping on your cat is NOT a euphemism for having hot, hot sex?? Damn. I will have to remember this next time I am telling a story.
rye’s last blog post..the smell