Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on January 8, 2008

I blew my fuse this morning. No, I don’t mean like I finally had it up to here (waves hand a good six inches above head) with the cat puke and lost my shit on the cats and threw one out the window. I mean, I literally blew my fuse. In the kitchen. Apparently if you try to run the microwave, coffee maker and toaster all at the same time, your house? It blowed up.

So since the coffee was only halfway through, and Lord help us all if I don’t have my coffee (you’d see a blown fuse, fo sho), I moved the coffee pot to any outlet that would work. Outlet by the kitchen table? No. Outlet by litter box? No. Probably for the best. And yes, I was that desperate. Outlet in bathroom? YES! We have drippity drip!

When it finished, I unplugged it, moved it back to the kitchen and made my coffee. And was content with coffee and a soggy English muffin. Small victories. And all I was trying to do was to cook some eggs to put on my English muffin with a slice of cheese for a makeshift Egg McMuffin. Is there no justice? A girl needs her protein! And why the fuck isn’t the fuse box in my apartment? I have to call the office, which doesn’t open until 9, to have them flip the switch. Lest you wonder why I just didn’t do that myself.

I made sure to unplug everything so that I didn’t come home to a burnt down house because the microwave was nuking the world and the cats, one by one.

And that is how my day started today. And that’s pretty much the highlight.

I was exhausted for like 98% of today. I think I had a blown fuse. Somewhere in the lower quadrant of my right quadricep. Because I started back up at the gymnasium yesterday. And I decided it was time to start back up with the running. Because I’d like to do the Shamrock Shuffle again this year. But being the asshole I am, I decided to go overboard with the running. Acting like I’d actually run to more than just the bathroom in the last 10 months.

So I was tired. And it didn’t help that I decided to dick around on the computer until almost midnight after all the running. That is no way to recover after exercising. I mean, I need at least 7 hours of sleep when I sit around and do nothing. Add a whole lot of activity to the mix and girl needs to get some damn shut-eye. Tell this to the part of my brain that decided to transfer all my music from the one computer to the laptop. At 11 o’clock at night.

And then on the way home from work, to the gymnasium, I almost hit a guy. No, not a guy in a car. An actual pedestrian. Walking across the street. Doing his part for the environment and taking the train.

The best part? I almost hit the same dude twice. TWICE. At the same intersection!

I was turning right onto a busy thoroughfare (that is a word that needs to be used more often), so I was looking left to make sure I could turn. So I try to turn, completely oblivious to anything happening to the right of me. I can’t turn. Too many cars. I inch forward. That was apparently the first time I almost hit the dude. I never saw him. So I can’t be sure. But since I couldn’t turn, I just stayed there, head stuck looking to the left like my first-born’s life depended on it, looking for an opening. Must. Not. Look. Right. At all.

And then, finally! An opening! I start to turn. And then I see him. The Shadow. Who was wearing ALL DARK COLORS on a RAINY NIGHT. Standing right there on the corner. Trying to cross. Trying to get home to his plate of lard and fried cheese. Carrying his BLACK umbrella. Thank God for the iPod headphones. That was how I spotted him. He looked kind of like this. Only fatter. He apparently wasn’t on his way to the gymnasium.

But The Shadow had a face. And that face was not happy that I almost just crippled him. Twice. I could tell by the flailing arms and wild gestures that he had some sort of attachment to his legs and feet.

So I just wave the sorry wave and turn. He can cross after I turn. These openings aren’t there forever. It’s rush hour, silly. And you’re not getting wet. You have an umbrella. You won’t melt.

Actually, I got mad at him. For appearing out of nowhere and not wearing light colored clothing. With reflectors. Or at the very least, some sort of glow stick. I yelled “Oh calm down Shadow! Clearly I wasn’t paying attention! And you still have your lower extremities!”

Blocks later, I said to my brother (who I was on the phone with this whole time) “I almost hit a guy. Twice.” I felt kind of bad. So I’m glad I didn’t hit him. Because I already did that once.*

My driving prowess didn’t end there. As I was driving home from my gym (oh, did I mention? I went to the gym tonight.), I turned on a one-way street going the WRONG WAY. And not only did I simply turn the wrong way, I actually drove the wrong way down the one-way street. Like head on into a car. And kept going. And figured that the three inches next to the car going the OPPOSITE WAY that I was about to crash into HEAD ON, was plenty of room for a whole other lane. Clearly, I was wrong. And not paying attention. Again. Must have been all those endorphins.

I quickly three-point turned it out of there, in a very un-Austin Powers-like fashion, and got back going the right way. And finally made it home. To a house that was blown-fuse free. So I could use my toaster, microwave and coffee maker to my hearts content. Just not all at the same time. 

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*It was back in college. As I was heading to class in the morning. The guy was on a bicycle. Same situation where I was turning right and was looking left. Completely ignoring anything that happened over my right shoulder. And I saw an opening, went for it, and dude went right over my hood. I never saw him. (I’m sensing a pattern here.)

The funny thing is, he got the ticket. Because he’s supposed to ride with traffic. So as to not get hit at an intersection. And I had an excuse to miss the entire first day of second semester.

Categories: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me
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