Toothless Joe Jackson

Posted By on February 11, 2007

I totally had plans to sit down and actually write some good, thought-provoking posts this weekend. Even start them and post them later in the week. But I’m sure you can judge by this title, that did not happen.

I really had all intentions to have a very productive weekend. My house is a mess. I need to do laundry. My closet and dresser need a good purging. And guess what I actually got accomplished? Well, I did laundry. And unpacked from my trip to San Francisco. And tidied up a little. And that’s about it. And? After all that strenuous work this afternoon, I passed out on the couch.

But it felt good. Because I haven’t had a weekend to do nothing in awhile. So it was nice. Although, I’m still pissed about my house being a tad on the disgusting side. And my dresser in shambles. But hey, what can you do? Sitting on the couch catching up on your TiVo is a much better way to spend the weekend. Duh.

To be honest, the real reason I did nothing on Saturday was because I was super hungover. And didn’t get to bed until after 3 on Friday. Which is pretty much almost being up 24 hours. So I slept until 2 on Saturday afternoon. And by that time? The day is wasted.

So what was I doing, you ask? Well, Friday after work I met mom mom downtown for a few beers. We work so close to each other and I haven’t seen her in awhile. And she had a bummer week. So we met at the bar near her work, which was only a few EL stops from my office. We hung out there for some time, having beers, catching up and eating pizza. At one point I got up to use the facilities  and when I came back, my mom said “I got propositioned.” And I’m all “whaaaat?” She said some black guy in a beret came up to her and told her his hotel room and wanted to meet her there. He said “meet me in room 1329” And my mom asks “what hotel?” And he says “I don’t remember.” So she told him OK because “it was better than arguing.”

So I immediately laugh and pull out my blog n0tebook. She thinks he’s still in the bar, but we don’t see him anywhere. Later that night, this black guy comes in, wearing a beret. So I ask my mom if that’s the guy. She said no. Beret Man is sitting at the bar with a friend of his, and they’re all chummy and drunk and old and hitting on me every time I go up to get drinks. Asking me about Jimmy Durante. Beret Man has no teeth. OK, fine. He has like three. But he’s missing more than he’s got.

A few minutes later, Toothless Joe takes it upon himself to come up to our table and start talking to us. (See what I get for being nice and knowing who Jimmy Durante is?) (And I wasn’t about to tell them the only reason I know who Jimmy Durante is is from Pee Wee’s Playhouse.) And he’s all flirting with my mom. Except, he didn’t think it was my mom. He thought it was my co-worker. And then starts apologizing because he tried to pick up my mom when she was with her daughter. Which just makes me start laughing more. Because my mom got hit on by a guy with no teeth. NO TEETH!

I’m trying to get out of this situation, but I can’t. I try all these things to get him to go away, but he doesn’t. So I go up to the bar and grab some random dude that I met for a second while getting beers and I ask him to save my mom. Which he does. Which pisses Toothless Joe off to no end. But seriously, I’m pretty sure my mom isn’t going home with some homeless dude with no teeth. But he made some snide comment to me as he walked past. And I yelled back “don’t get mad at me because you can whistle with your mouth shut!” (No, no I didn’t.)

So with mom saved and out of that mess, we sit talking to Jack, the dude that saved my mom. Who has teeth. He’s a nice guy. Works across the street at the Chicago Symphony Center. I continue to go on and on about that guy having no teeth. Things like “how is that possible?” Or “if you have a job, you should have all your teeth.” And “save your beer money and go to the dentist!” And on and on and on. I tried to take photos of him on my camera phone, but I couldn’t get him to smile. I think I even told him to give me a big “toothy grin.” Nothin. I think I may have pissed him off. Or something. Whatever. You have no teeth. And I do. I win!

Turns out he’s a regular in that place. He told us he lives in Springfield and works for a travelling jazz ensemble. Later that night, someone asked me what he told us he did because he’s always doing something different. And if he lives in Springfield, how does he know everyone in the bar? And how can he be a regular? So he’s a liar and has no teeth!

That was the extent of our evening. I hung out after the bar closed with the owner, the hottie bartender and a few others for an hour or so. Nice to drink free beer with the owner of a bar after last call. They were cool people.

Oh, and I forgot to mention. Which actually makes me laugh. Just from this story. This guy tried to steal my coat. It was sitting on my chair, by my bag and he tried to steal it. And he was a big fat man. And when he did find his, his was a short coat. Mine is a long coat. And his looked nothing like mine, except it was black.

I think I may have pissed him off too because I told everyone in there that he tried to steal my coat. Maybe I shouldn’t go back to that bar.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


3 Responses to “Toothless Joe Jackson”

  1. Mahnee says:

    I just knew I was ending up on your blog….I kept repeating that like a mantra all weekend…”I am so ending up on Kristabella’s blog”…. I just don’t want to run into Toothless Joe down here on a random break or errand. YIKES!
    I had fun though. You’re a fun date!!!

  2. i proofread your blog and you spelled toothless wrong in the headline. it is toofless…

  3. Jenn says:

    Go Ma Johnson!!

    Way to score a toofless man!!