Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on July 13, 2008

I am livid right now. I just wrote this whole fucking post about my weekend and it fucking disappeared. And I’m not happy about it. The fucking internet has been screwy today and on top of it, my god damned DVR blew up. Which means that everything I had taped on it is gone and that I can’t do anything but watch live TV until I get a new one.

And you are all “cry me a fucking river, it is a DVR.” But you know what? It is irritating. Especially since I leave for San Francisco on Thursday and who knows if I’ll have it by then. Which means it will be sitting in a box in my god damned entryway to my apartment and most likely won’t be there when I get back from my trip.

I hate sitting here trying to re-create something that you already wrote. Especially when I don’t ever have an idea how it is going to come out. It just does. And when I’m in a pissy mood, I tend to write like a pissy asshole.

And on top of it, my teeth are all hurty because I’m a vain asshole and thought I should whiten my teeth before BlogHer next weekend. And after one application, my teeth hurt so bad I would like to pull them out one by one with needle-nose pliers. So everyone will have to deal with my non-white teeth that will just be purple from all the red wine anyway.

Deep breaths, deep breaths. I will tell you about my weekend. And I’ll try to be in a better mood. 

This weekend I met up with some fellow bloggers. And now I am more prepared for this coming weekend because those people did not go running and screaming after meeting me. There was some running, and maybe a little yelling, but no screaming.

On Friday night, I dropped everything, which consisted of plans to sit my ass on my couch and watch TV, to go meet Heather B. out after work. We obviously went to a wine bar and sat and talked and poured fermented grape juice down our throats.

After our bellies were full of nothing but wine, I hesitantly asked her if she wanted to maybe get some dinner so that she didn’t spend the evening puking up said wine. But mostly I asked her to go to dinner because I didn’t want our night to end! It was the best first date ever!

So we went down the street to Harry Caray’s. Which was funny because she didn’t know who Harry Caray was. So I think I told her. Or I may have just said “it’s a famous place with good food, let’s eat!” We both ordered pasta and were full and happy. I even made her take a photo of us by the statue of Harry’s head because I was all “I want proof that I hung out with Heather B.!” And she was all “we’ll see each other in less than a week.” Because she still actually makes sense after a few too many glasses of wine.

After dinner, we walked back to her hotel and I totally invited myself for a nightcap because I didn’t want our date to end. On the way to the hotel, I even got to meet her mom. Which was a little fast to be meeting the parents, but I figured our relationship was on a fast track.

We headed to the hotel bar, where I made Heather talk to strangers. Heather does not like to talk to strangers. (Consequently, this is one of my most favorite things to do.) So we talked to some dude, helped him try to flag down a bartender and then he made some idle chit chat with us.

Stranger: So how do you two know each other?

Me: *blink blink blink*

(turn to Heather)

Heather: *blink blink blink* “Through mutual friends.”

Me: *giggling uncontrollably* “We’re actually lovers.”

And then we went on and on about our strained relationship and how we are trying to work things out and we’re actually going to San Francisco next weekend to really work on trying to fix the relationship and reconcile and move on. And then he was like “well, that seems like the perfect place to work on a special same-sex relationship.”

And then Heather murdered me for EVERY TALKING TO STRANGERS IN THE FIRST PLACE. And that was the end of our perfect first date.

Saturday night was more blogger fun, as the ladies on the Mom Road Trip made a pit stop in Chicago. They are driving to San Francisco for BlogHer, picking up fellow bloggers along the way and documenting it. You can read all about it here.

I am not that familiar with most of the people on the trip, but Sarah from Sarah and the Goon Squad was there and once I knew that, I had to go stalk her! I pink puffy heart her.

She is fabulous and we hit it off right away like we were old pals. And I’m seriously so happy that I have met a few people now that will be there next week so maybe I won’t spend all my time behind the ficus at the conference. I’ll at least come out to refill my beverage.

Today I did some shopping for some last minute things for my trip. And then I fought with the Dish Network people because their solution for everything is to shut it off and turn it back on. And when that doesn’t work, they tell you to unplug it for a minute. And what was more irritating is that I did all this before calling because I actually TROUBLESHOT (TROUBLESHOOTED?) on my own so that I wouldn’t waste their time. And instead the woman was asking me all these stupid questions like “is it on? Is it plugged in? Did you push the SAT button on the remote? What do you see?” So I said “my foot kicking in your face.”

Actually I yelled “I LOVE MONEY IS ON TONIGHT!” and hung up on her. Because bitch, I don’t remember what it is like to live without a DVR and not be able to pause live TV. What do normal people do when they have to pee when they are watching TV?

So I made banana bread. Just like in the olden days, before technology.

And finally, as I was sitting her writing the LAST post that disappeared that was substantially funnier, my home phone rang and some dude left a message. (Note, I do not answer my phone at home. My family knows this and will leave a message to tell me to pick up when they need to talk to me. I also don’t answer my cell phone most times. I hate talking on the phone. I would rather spend 40 minutes texting with someone than have a five minute phone conversation.)

Anyway, this drunk sounding man is leaving a message and he’s telling whoever he thinks he’s calling to call him back. He leave his number, pauses and then says “you don’t sound like my sister either. Hmmmm.” And then he hangs up.

Thankfully he said that, otherwise I would have thought it was one of my cab driver lovers.

Category: All Things Blogging | 30 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 11, 2008

The other day on a local morning radio show, one of the topics of the day was Barack Obama and his whole family, including his two children, appearing in an interview on Access Hollywood. The debate was whether this was bad to be exposing the children to the media and to interviews and subsequent paparazzi. This was the first-ever interview with the entire family.

Barack has since come out to say that he regretted granting the interview and exposing his kids and the attention it received on all the major news outlets. He wants to shield them as much as he can, since they are young (10 and 7), which is completely understandable. I have absolutely no idea what that kind of media attention is like.

This is a similar debate that went on in the blog world a few months ago, with several popular bloggers being called out for exploiting their children on their websites.

First off, I don’t feel that writing about and/or posting photos of your children or your friends children or your nieces or nephews online (with permission) is exploiting them at all. A lot of bloggers start their blogs when they are pregnant as a way to not only keep track of their pregnancy for friends and family, but also as an online scrapbook that all these kids of bloggers are going to grow up and cherish. I know if I’m ever pregnant, I will do the same thing. I’m a middle child, I think my mom gave up with my baby book when I was a few months old. These Children of Bloggers will have so much more to read about their lives.

On the same page, I don’t feel that Barack and Michelle Obama were exploiting their kids in this media interview. For one, it was Access Hollywood, not an interview on CNN with Wolf Blitzer. Second, the questions were about their family and very tame things.

I am a Barack Obama fan. People can say he doesn’t have the experience or he’s too wet behind the ears, but he has been my choice since the beginning. I am not an overly political person. I should pay more attention. I vote Democratic every time. My beliefs lean to the left. I don’t follow a lot of the issues, which I know makes me a bad American, but I also learned an important lesson in Political Science in college that stuck with me – vote for the party, not the person. Because, even as much as we’d like to think differently, one person does not make a difference in our political system. If you’re a Democrat, you want a Democratic President and a Democratic House and Senate. It’s the best way to get things done. And vice versa for Republicans.

One of the biggest reasons I am a Barack follower is because he represents change. He’s different than any other political figure I have ever seen in my lifetime. He moves and motivates people. My half-sister Kelsey and I had a discussion about the election back in the winter. She turned 18 in May. And she was EXCITED to vote in the election this November. She had been reading a lot about Obama and was EXCITED to vote for him. EXCITED. Now, honestly, how many of us were really all that moved and EXCITED to vote in our first elections? I wasn’t. I did my duty, but I wasn’t overly excited about any of the candidates.

Which leads me to this interview with the Obama family. To me, this might have been one of the smartest things he could have done. Not only is his wife amazing, but his girls are so cute and so normal. He’s a normal family guy. They like to go out to get ice cream as a family, they go to church, they like to spend time together. Totally normal.

I have never been able to really relate to a candidate before. And I know this all seems so silly because it is his political persona that we need to be concerned about, but I feel like Barack Obama is a man of the people. Which means for the first time in a long time, we may have a man leading this country who actually listens and makes decisions for the masses and actually leads the country.

So what do you all think? Was the interview with his children too much and too exploitative? Or just a new insight into a man running for the office of the President and the leader of the free world?

Category: Politics | 28 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 10, 2008

Seriously, for the second time this week, I am guest blogging somewhere else.

I am not kidding when I say I am an attention seeking famewhore. If you ever need a guest blogger, just ask. I apparently cannot turn anyone down!

So today I’m blogging over at Who Made This Mess about vacations. Because Lela is out of town on “vacation” camping with her whole family, which includes children. Which does not sound like a vacation at all.

Go check it out! And say nice things!

Category: All Things Blogging | 5 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 9, 2008

I’m having a hard time coming up with post ideas. Mostly since The Day of Doom when I got word my position was being eliminated. I think the tiny bit of depression my therapist saw kind of then blew up into full-blown bouts with crazy depression in the last week or so.

Part of it is because I don’t want to look for a job again. I just don’t. It’s a sucky job looking for a job. On top of it, I’m not sure what to look for.

Here’s the thing, I KNOW I want to be a writer. Which is all fine and good except that isn’t really a position you apply for on the internet. And it is hard to make a living as one of those writer things. I would love to write books or magazine articles or something and get paid for it.

As my therapist pointed out last week, I don’t seem like someone who enjoys the whole corporate culture and I’m always fighting back. I cannot be contained in a little box that is Corporate America. I do not like to conform. I am my own person. ROAR!

I know most people aren’t corporate drones or don’t set out to be. But they kind of get used to it and it becomes a way of life. Not so much for me. I’ve gotten the boot for having a big mouth and telling the CFO that his policies are bullshit. I’ve gotten fired for calling Slalom Consulting a stupid name and calling one of the Vice Presidents a pompous asshole on my blog. I’ve gotten in trouble COUNTLESS times for opening my mouth. I am unable to play the game and go along with protocol of being in an office and learning the game of office politics. I CANNOT LEARN. Shit, it was just Day 12 at my current job that I pulled a Kristabella and ended up crying because my mouth once again got me in hot water.

I know I should learn. I HAVE to learn because that is the society we live in. But it would be so much better for me to work for myself or from home and not have to deal with all that bullshit. I do not deal well with bullshit. If bullshit was something we LIKED, it would have a better name like puppykisses.

So I’ve come to a crossroads in my life. My current situation is providing me with an opportunity to write and not have to worry about the 9 to 5 for a little bit. I will have some time to play with. In that time I could write, live off my severance, unemployment and take odd jobs. I could also temp if I had to if it meant I could write.

But there are so many unknowns. I will write a book one day, whether it gets published or not. But I think that is part of the reason for my procrastinating. I could spend all that time and then nothing. Just writing and finishing something doesn’t necessarily mean it is going to get sold or published. There are no guarantees

And what if I take this time to write, do something for ME, and then I can’t get back into the Corporate World? What happens if I can’t pay the bills? Then what?

I’ve had some hard times finding jobs. When I moved back to Illinois in 2005, it took me almost 6 months to find something. The consulting job? I had been looking for over four months. And these were at a time when our economy wasn’t in the tank.

The other part of this is that if I can find a job in September, that means I will be able to take that severance and put it towards my debt. I could pay off all my credit card debt AND make a dent in my student loans. And I would also reward myself with a flat screen TV because it’s the least I deserve for getting laid off for the third fucking time. (Don’t even try to talk me out of it. I can justify ANYTHING.)

So I’m stuck. I’m not sure what to do. My gut tells me one thing and my bank account tells me another. I really feel like this happening was the universe’s way of kicking me in the ass. There is something that I’m supposed to do because of this window I’m provided with and that isn’t just to jump into another crappy job.

I know it will work itself out. It always does. But I feel like time is starting to run out and my head is still spinning from it all. I feel like I’m swimming underwater and I’m having a hard time breaking the surface. And I’m afraid when I do, it might be too late and I’ll have missed out on something great.

Category: Writing | 33 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 8, 2008

Dear Wine,

You and I are no longer friends.

We have always had a good relationship from the minute your grapey goodness touched my lips. Yes, you turn my teeth a disgusting shade of purple, but I never cared. I liked having you in my belly, loved the warm feeling and the lovely glow you gave me.

You always were my drink of choice. You didn’t give me raging hangovers in the morning, at least not the kind that comes with stabby pains in my head that DON’T GO AWAY. I could drink bottles of your tastiness every night and still want more of you when I woke up, er, I mean the following evening.

And then last night happened. You went and fucked me up. You fucked me up good. So much so that I spent part of my night praying to the porcelain god and sleeping on my bathroom floor, which is NOT clean and/or comfortable.

You tempted me all day, Wine. You had that awesome waiter at the Park Hyatt pour me HUGE glasses with lunch. And then there you were with all of you friends, like little soldiers, lined up on the bar at the going away party last night. Tempting me with your intoxicating charm and the fact that you were FREE. And you know, oh you know really well Wine, that I cannot turn you down when you are free.

And then you mocked me all evening, watching me try to make a meal on tiny little snacks and cheese and crackers. You knew, Wine, that it wasn’t going to fill me up and soon my belly would be full of nothing more than you and you alone. And you knew what that would mean. You knew it would mean you would later be exiting my belly through the same hole you went in.

You sucked me in. You made me go out to that bar after the party and drink more. Which means that today, I don’t have any recollection of that bar. And that I may or may not have gotten in a fight with a co-worker at said bar. And that I also took a cab home, which normally leads to great stories, but you ruined even that for me Wine. You took over my whole body so that I couldn’t even speak to the cab driver, let alone sit upright.

Wine, you forced me to call in sick today with the brown bottle flu. Wine, in all my years of binge drinking, I have never done that. You FORCED me too. Because when I woke up fully clothed, half laying on my bed with my shoes still on at 5 AM, I realized that you won Wine. I was not going into work today.

So, Wine, you and I need to sever our relationship. We have gotten too close and it has ruined both of or lives. We both need to move apart and away from each other to stay sane. We are so on a break, Wine.

Drunkenly yours,

Kristabella

P.S. Wine, you know this break will only last until the next time you seduce me. Which will probably be later this week.

Category: Hooch Hilarity | 43 Comments »
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