Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on October 28, 2006

I had Chinese food for lunch on Friday. It was pretty tasty. And I hit the jackpot with three fortune cookies. But these were the fortunes I got. I think the fortune cookie writers are smoking some good shit… 

The situation is changeable, yet you cannot push the river. (All I was thinking about was Texas Hold ‘Em. The one card is called a river. Because that makes more sense.)

The nearest way to glory is to strive to be what you wish to be thought to be. (I think there is one too many “to bes” in there. Or something.)

Every exit is an entrace to new experiences. (OK, this one makes sense.)

One out of three ain’t bad. Maybe they would make more sense drunk. Hmmmm……

Category: General | 1 Comment »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on October 27, 2006

So as some of you know, if I get REALLY sheeeatty when I’m out killing brain cells, I sometimes feel it is my need to “smoke” a cigarette. (The quotes are because actually inhaling would make me vomit. And if I’m THAT drunk, I can handle that just fine.) It happens less and less because, seriously, I’d rather smoke a cigar. It’s totally cooler and guys totally dig a chick smoking a stogie.

I am in no way advocating smoking. Smoking is BAD. Most everyone in my family smokes and they are all going to get lung cancer and in turn give it to me with their nasty ass second hand smoke. Chicago is EVENTUALLY going to be smoke free in like 200-forever once they stop listening to Mike Ditka. (Totally lurrrve the man, but him not being able to smoke his cee-gars in public is really not THAT big of a deal. I mean, who likes to go home from a bar reeking like smoke. To quote Noah, my 4-year old nephew, “Blech!”)

Anyway, this isn’t where this post was going. I had this wacky dream last night about cigarettes (hence the topic). I was out at a bar with some friends, but I only remember Schwerer being there. And it was early in the day and I was stone cold sober. (So it must have been early…..like 10 AM or something) I had just gotten there and Schwerer, with her completely full pack of Marlboros was telling me I had to go buy two packs of ciggys. And I was getting really perturbed because 1) I wasn’t drunk, so there was no way I was smoking one and 2) I’ve never smoked more than ONE cigarette in a drunken stupor let alone TWO PACKS!

So Schwerer? Suck it because I’m so not buying your cigarettes for you!

And I have absolutely no idea what that dream means. I’m taking it to mean that I need to go get drunk. Now. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere!

OK, he’s kinda yummy in a rugged, manly kind of way

Category: General | 3 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on October 26, 2006

So this past Saturday night, me and my bitches went to Howl at the Moon. Yeah, I know it’s totally like a touristy place to go, but it is SO much fun. I mean, the songs they play are great. You get to sing along drunkenly at the top of your lungs. People without rhythm ALWAYS want to go up and play the tambourine and it totally takes them a few minutes to figure out it’s TIED TO THE PIANO. (Utter hilarity every time!) The piano players are awesome! (We’re former band geeks, remember?) We ALWAYS have a good time when we go.

I think why Howl is great here, is that Chicago is a big city and full of talent – actors, singers, musicians, sports teams, etc. So it’s not like you’re going to a piano bar in, like, Des Moines. And the reason I know this is because I’ve been here. And it isn’t even close to Howl. I mean, they try real hard, but when it comes down to it, they’re in Wisconsin (read: Cheeseheads.) (Just to clarify, Cheeseheads = BAD; cheese = GOOOOOOOD)

The best part is the people watching at Howl. And last Saturday was NO different. It was apparently 40-year old birthday night. There was seriously about 10 different women celebrating the big FOUR-OH. And most of them came from out of town. And they were having a great time, going nuts singing and dancing. Which, 40-year old women dancing on stage in a bar is something definitely worthy of mocking. Lots of mocking. (Look, I didn’t say I was a good person.)

THEN there were the women who looked to be about my age, maybe a few years older (eye cream ladies). They were either still stuck in the 80s or totally STOKED that they could dust off their 80s gear now that it’s back “in style.” And I say that loosely. Because, to quote my girl Darcie, “If you did it the first time around, you should NOT do it the second time around.” This was particularly aimed at the chick with crimped hair. CRIMPED. I know, I know…..80s fashion is “in.” Skinny jeans, leggings, etc. This is BAD CLOTHING, PEOPLE! So I’m thinking the crimper should have gone the way of the poodle skirt and powdered wigs. Only brought out at Halloween.

But Crimped Hair was not to be outdone by her sidekick. This chick full on embraced the 80s generation in one single outfit. She had a skirt like a checkered flag (and not much bigger mind you) with GREEN leggings! Green LEGGINGS! Complete, end-at-the-ankle-with-bare-foot-in-black-flats, leggings. What in the sam hell is going on in this world?

See? NO good can come with bringing this shit back!

I mean, seriously, how could you not love this place?

I apparently had a GREAT time, from what my friends told me the next day. We stayed out until about 2 and then of course needed something to eat, so stopped at the diner in my ‘hood. (Pigs in a blanket anyone?) Thankfully for my friend Schwerer, I had Wham!’s Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go stuck in my head. But only the “jitterbug” part. And of course the chorus and the “I wanna hit that hiiigh!” line. Which at almost 3 AM and 5 buckets of Miller Lites later, I couldn’t hit that hiiiiigh! But, man I sure got a gold star for trying!

Thankfully, it’s winter and windows are closed. Otherwise, some old lady might have thrown a shoe at me or something.

Wake Me Up When Bad Fashion is Gone

Category: General | 5 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on October 25, 2006

I guess it pays to have friends with blogs!

Check it out!

Yay me! Thanks to Senor Beavis for the AWESOME plug.

I encourage you all to check out his site and read it. It’s damn funny people! Not everyone makes it into my Blogroll!

Category: General | 3 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on October 25, 2006

So I’ve lost my fucking sunglasses. Shouldn’t be that big of a deal, since I have about 12 pairs. But this was THE pair. I’ve had them for about 6 years, and they are awesome. They probably cost a total of $12. But that’s not the point. They looked good, were dark enough, blah, blah, blah.

But I wore them into work yesterday. Then wore them to the car last night. And sometime during the ride home, I put them in the little area below the cup holders. Where the other 3 pairs of sunglasses are (and those three are mediocre at best.) And during the 2-hour drive home, they slid off. This happens all the time. Too many sunglasses. Too little space.

But they usually land on the floor in front of the passenger seat. I mean, where the hell else would they go?

But…..they. Aren’t. THERE! When I leave the house, it’s dark (don’t ya love winter?) So halfway through my horrible commute this morning, sun comes out and I NEED my sunglasses. I have very sensitive retinas. (Shut it! My eye doctor told me so!) So I reached around for them, while driving, but couldn’t find them. So I’m thinking “that’s fine, I’ll find them when I get to work.” And this is why there is more than one pair of sunglasses in the car. For just this reason!

So I get to work and guess what?? NOT THERE! Seriously. I checked under the seats. EVERYWHERE. WHERE THE FUCK COULD THEY BE????

 So now, I’m hoping I can find yet another awesome pair at Wal-Mart or Target this afternoon. Because this is just unacceptable.

Editor’s Note: FOUND ‘EM! And no, not on the top of my head (thank you very much). Apparently I didn’t look EVERYWHERE.

Category: General | 2 Comments »
Tags: