Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on October 24, 2006

I seriously was going to name this post “Six Penises. One Vagina.” But my mom reads this. And I think I would cringe every time I saw it in the sidebar. And the kids. Think of the mother fucking kids, bastards.

So dinner was pretty uneventful. I should have felt privileged to be invited. I mean CEO, VP, a few directors, an owner of a company who traveled all the way from The Netherlands. But I could care less. They are just people. And seriously? Where’s my wine?

I think the highlight of the evening was when, with all the above mentioned people, I volunteered my services to “bunk up” with DD on the upcoming sales trip. (Think for a second and figure out who DD is people.) I mean, I’m just trying to help the company save some cash. I’m more than happy to share a room with him. Think of the money we’ll save! And the CEO/President of my company just shook his head (like he usually does when I speak) and said “you’re just one of a kind KJ.” And my boss added “she’s in need of some sensitivity training.” (This was after he made some questionable comments about Arabs and homosexuals. But I don’t have a penis, so I apparently can’t get away with this.)

But I had a nice dinner of this shrimp and spinach pasta, it’s called like Algio Olio or something weird like that. And I’m really not sure how it is pronounced, but in my head it sounds a little like Magglio Ordonez. Or Ollie, Ollie, Oxen-free (??? Yeah, I don’t know.) It was very tasty. And all I keep thinking about is the Seinfeld episode where Elaine goes out to dinner, she had the lobster bisque and yada, yada, yada, she never saw the guy again. And Jerry says she yada, yada’d over the best part. And Elaine says, “no, I mentioned the bisque.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, summarizes this dinner.

Category: General | Comments Off on Six to One. Half Dozen to Another.
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Posted By Kristabella on October 23, 2006

So it is past 6 PM on a Monday night and I’m still at work. Mind you, there is a reason. I’m waiting to go to dinner with some of the big whigs. I’m positive they thought I was someone else when they invited me, or they were drunk, you know since I don’t have a penis. But whatever, I said yes before they could change their mind. Two words – Free. Food. And hopefully some booze, but I’m not going to push my luck.

But other than that, I do actually have enough work to keep me here. Mainly because I work with idiots. Short story long, we have this sales meeting in two weeks in Orlando. And everyone I work with seriously waits until the last possible minute with everything. (Right, I know. Not different than your job.) So today, I have to do all this shit and it HAS to be done because we need it for the meeting. Um, hello? I enjoy my days of doing nothing and blogging. You need to stop cramping my style for the love of Pete. (Who is Pete, by the way? And why so much love?)

So that’s what I’m doing. What I do best. Work my ass off to make them look good. (Do you hear that? Those tiny violins playing? Hmmm, must just be me.)

But today is a highlight day because I have seriously turned into a secretary and I’m having that whole “I went to college for this?” mental note. About an hour ago, my boss asked me to make coffee. (I’ll pause here while you laugh and pick your mouth up off the floor.) Now mind you, this is NOT what I signed up for. I mean, I knew there would be a little of that – it’s a small office and I work with all men. Duh. But coffee? Fine I’ll mail shit and make hanging file folders for you, but coffee? You must be joking. This is on top of the manual that I’ve been oh so lucky to type up and get to assemble for the meeting. I mean, this company? Could. So. Not. Work. Without. Me. Seriously. MANUALS. COFFEE. I am an integral cog (does anyone else always think of The Jetsons when anyone says cogs? No? Just me then.)

But now I’m off to dinner with all the boys. Should be good. If only for the fact that I’m not paying. Stay tuned tomorrow for hopefully some good dinner stories.

And all you wondering “where’s the funny?” You know what? It’s my blog and I’ll whine if I want to!

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Posted By Kristabella on October 22, 2006

Because the Bears have a bye and you can’t seriously expect me to watch The Packers play the Dolphins (Seriously? There isn’t a better game on today? Upon further review, no there isn’t.) I have decided to not keep you all waiting and continue my saga.

Previously on Oh, You’ll Get Your Day in Court: I shared the harrowing journey (read: went on and on incessantly) of my day in Oakland Court. For a speeding ticket from some asshole cops who were in an unmarked car and were chasing me through downtown Oakland on a Saturday night. The end result? I spent a half day in court and still had to pay the damn thing.

Which bring us to my next awesome dealings with judges and all that legal bullshit. This time, the location is Lake County, Illinois, which is pretty much almost Wisconsin. And don’t even get me started on the Cheeseheads.

To preface, I know full well I was guilty both times. But seriously, the first one in Oakland, I honestly was trying to get away from Creepy Unmarked Car. Granted, I could have pulled off, etc. But I didn’t know where I was and wanted to get home. Oh, and not the best area to “pull off.” So yes, I was speeding, but for SAFETY. (That right there is logic for ya)

Anyway…this second ticket just occurred this summer. I got a ticket on my lunch break. I had just stopped at Panera and was speeding back to work to eat it. Helloooooo, it’s PANERA! Yum! Some dickhead cop was sitting in the median and just pulling people over left and right. I was one of his lucky victims. The verdict? I was going 51 in a 35! (DAMN!) (And by the way, I still don’t think I was going that fast.) So he gave me the ticket and sent me on my merry sobbing uncontrollably way. (The worst part? A car full of co-workers totally drove past me being pulled over. And laughed. At me. ME!)

So the reason for the crying is A) I make NO money. Don’t listen to what people say. Soil does not pay. (But I hear something called crime does??) So I was trying to figure out where I was going to come up with $100. (Yes, I’m THAT poor). And B) I just got a ticket in December and it wasn’t 12 months in between, so I can’t do traffic school. Which means it goes on my record. Which means insurance will go up. Which leads us back to point A.

Back at work, I stop crying, but since I’m a fair-skinned beauty, my face gets red and puffy and I look like I had some sort of allergic reaction, so EVERYONE knows I’ve been crying. Which isn’t fun at work. Totally kills my hard-ass facade. But my boss comes over and makes his first ever intelligent comment and tells me to go to court and hope the cop doesn’t show up. GENIUS! So that’s what I do.

Someone tells me I might want to have some sort of defense in case the cop shows up (which he totally isn’t going to do by the way. Because don’t cops have like better things to do? Like fight crime???) So since I happen to visit Panera semi-regularly, I come up with my defense. Technically, from where I pulled out, there was NO sign with the speed limit. (That is indeed true.) Only one for a school zone, which it wasn’t because it was August. And my only knowledge of this road is a little further north, where it is 45 MPH. (OK, so YES 51 in a 45 is still technically speeding, but that’s not ticket worthy.) Plus I drive a Nissan Sentra. There’s no way in hell that I got up to 51 in that short distance. No matter how much I wanted that Panera.

Whatever…….I go to court. I totally planned on wearing a low cut top (I have NO shame people. This is money we’re talking about) but it happens to be f’ing cold that day and SNOW! In October! Earliest EVER in the history of Chicago. So I wear a turtleneck. (Boo.)

Court starts at 9. I swear to mother fucking God that the cop walks in that door at 8:59:59. RIGHT before they close the doors! I wanted to just stand up and be like “where the hell do I pay the fine?” But I don’t. Because I don’t think that’s like protocol or something. And I’d be in contempt. Or something.

I’m the LAST person to go (what is it with me always going last in court? And I’m pretty sure it ain’t the “save the best for last” bullshit) and again sat through all kinds of miscreants. People with no licenses. People with no insurance. People with NO SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERS (um, not citizens. Um, not supposed to be driving!). And the best, two underage teens caught drinking and driving. OK, that one was serious, but still, I giggled. (Don’t judge  me)

And let me point out that the Buffalo Grove police department had FOUR cops there that day. FOUR! And my guy? He had FOUR people fighting HIS tickets. Which irritated the piss out of me. Because you know it’s the whole “I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine” thing with the court planning them all on the same day so he doesn’t have to come on more than one day. Bastards!

Anyway, I get up there, get all red-faced AGAIN, stumble over my words and pretty much want to crawl in a hole because me? I’m an asshole. So I pay the fine after saying something lame-ass like “the radar gun wasn’t calibrated correctly” and they both look look at me and laugh. And then laughed some more when I told them that my previous ticket in December was the day after I broke up with my boyfriend and I was a mess, when all he was asking was if I went to traffic school the last time. (I want to crawl in a hole just thinking about it now)

There was some good in this story. I guess. He put me on court supervision, which is Illinois’ term for it not going on your record, as long as you don’t get another ticket in 12 months. So that’s good. I guess. Insurance won’t be going up.

But still…..I would have loved to tell him where he could shove that gavel!

Category: General | Comments Off on Swift Judicial Kick in the Ass – Part Two
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Posted By Kristabella on October 20, 2006

I know we live in a great country. Please, can you imagine me in Afghanistan? I love the freedom of speech, right to trial by jury, reality TV, doughnuts, deep dish Chicago style pizza, yada, yada, yada.

But I have a serious issue with our judicial system as it is today. Justice is Blind my ass!

Let’s get a bit of background here. I’ve been to court twice in my life, both times traffic courts and both times for speeding tickets. (Look……I seriously think my right foot is a lot heavier than people think! Like as heavy as lead or something) Anywho, both times I had valid excuses for going. I mean, I’m not going to waste precious PTO time for court. Pah-lease!

Today will explore Why the Judicial System Hates Kristin Part One, which was a speeding ticket. In downtown Oakland, CA. At midnight. OAKLAND, people! This shady car started tailing me and was pulling next to me, totally kind of scaring the burritos I ate earlier out of me. (Did I mention I was in downtown Oakland, CA???) So, I sped up to get around him/them/aliens/rapists/killas. It was late and I wanted to get the hell home to the safety of the South Bay and quiet, innocent, not downtown-Oakland-at-all-peaceful-and-quaint-Los Gatos.

Turns out it was an unmarked police car. Narcotics cops. (Seriously? There wasn’t ANY other crime going on at that time of night? Riiiight) Who lectured ME about speeding and then proceeded to treat me like a CRIMINAL. Shining light in my face, walking around my car. Could they not tell I wasn’t from these parts? My license clearly stated I was from 50 miles down 880!

Anyway, a few days later back at work I told my horror story, complete with fainting spells and excessive exaggeration about how bad I was mistreated. (Woeis me.) Our security director was an ex-cop who first lectured me for stopping for an unmarked car in OAKLAND and didn’t I hear the stories about the people who pulled over for fake cops and got raped and killed????  (WHA?!?!) Ex-cop told me to fight it (which I planned on doing anyway since I had gotten a speeding ticket a few months before and was therefore no longer eligible for traffic school, but THAT is beside the point.)

So I go. Drive ALL the way back up to Oakland again, where I never wanted to go again unless the A’s were home and this clearly wasn’t baseball season, and sit in court all morning. I’m of course the last to “present” my case. I go after numerous people who are either A) driving without a license, B) driving without insurance or C) driving their kids around with NO CAR SEATS! And he’s letting them go….pay a fine, show proof, put kids in a safety device, blah, blah, blah. (Brain: We’re so money! No way he’s NOT going to let us off. I mean, seriously the HORROR at what could have happened!)

But the judge? Doesn’t even look me in the eye and treats me like I’M wasting HIS time! Him – Pay the fine, smack the gavel, on your way. Me – stand there, gaping mouth, Whaaaaaat?

Moral of the story? Apparently it’s quite OK and legal to drive without a license and insurance or with your kids on your lap (see Britney Spears) You’re golden. And also? Never, ever, ever drive through Oakland. At night. Unless you’re on your way to like Orinda, or something.

Up next: Part Two of Why That Judicial Branch Is SO Out to Get Me

Category: General | Comments Off on Swift Judicial Kick in the Ass – Part One
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Posted By Kristabella on October 19, 2006

This is my first post. And me? I’m kinda excited. Mostly because, well, I don’t have much to do at work so this is SO going to pass the time. And also, because I’ve wanted to do it for awhile and finally worked up the courage. So, yay, two points for me!

All those people on my links made me really want to start one of my own ’cause, like, all the cool kids are doing it. So since everyone else is doing it, I might as well follow the crowd. Yes, if they all jumped off the proverbial bridge, I would do it too. But only the proverbial one….not like the Golden Gate or anything.

So stay tuned. For snark. And funny. And good times. GT2. I’m blogging, people!

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