Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on September 13, 2007

So today was like the craziest day ever. I knew it was going to be a little busy because I had a meeting from like 11-3. And with a last minute sales conference in a week and a half and not being in the office on Friday (because it’s my BIRTHDAY!), I was expecting a little madness. And I like being busy because it makes the day go faster.

What I DON’T like is spending about two hours this morning containing myself and NOT sending a shut-the-fuck-up email to Winky. Because Winky made it apparently clear today that he is 25 and a big fucking baby and the Salesboy Formerly Known As Winky (SFKAW) is so dead to me.

He’s pissed because he can’t stay at the hotel for the next conference. Because it’s in Chicago. And he lives in Chicago. And you can easily take the damn train or bus or drive. It will save the company loads of money.

And while SFKAW knows this was not MY decision because I have no say in the matter, it did not stop him from sending a rather immature email to me this morning. One where he threatened to not come to the extracurricular activities during this next conference because “I’m not going to go out and drink and then drive home.” (Wah. Let me wipe away my single tear.)

To which I responded that the point of this conference is to LEARN and not DRINK. I know it wasn’t made abundantly clear at the last conference, but it is why we spend the big bucks. Not on the booze.

And I also may have responded with “suck it up, take the train and take a damn cab home and expense it, you big fucking baby.” (OK, maybe I left out the big fucking baby part. But I was THINKING it.)

Which maybe isn’t the most professional. But also is a whole hell of a lot better than SHUT THE FUCK UP! Which was my initial reaction. Thank God I’ve learned not to send that email right away. Deep breaths. Count to 10. WAIT to send scathing emails. Words to live by.

But thankfully my day ended so awesomely! Want to know why? Do ya? Do ya do ya do ya???

Because I’m typing on my NEW LAPTOP! RIGHT NOW! ON MY COUCH! And I LOVE IT! It’s so shiny and has a big screen and is just 17,000 kinds of awesome!

(And I’m a total nerd because I planned the pick up this evening around when I could get home with enough time to take it out of the box, fire it up and still do the Top Chef open thread over at MamaPop Talk. Yes. Am BIG nerd.) (Although tonight’s episode kind of sucked.)

But I still have to pack and do everything before I leave tomorrow evening, and so wasn’t even going to write a post. But that’s how effing irritated SFKAW made me.

Actually, the plan for tonight’s post was to just let people know that I have re-posted the infamous post from March that got me fired. Sadly it doesn’t have the comments from the first time I posted it, because those were the best part of the post. And probably helped with the boot kicking of me out the door.

So check it out. And let me know here (or there) what you think. And if you think the CEO might have overreacted a wee bit.

And coming next week, when I have time, I’ll actually write THE post and tell you all how it went down. Because Down With Asshats, and all that!

And now I have to get the cats out of the suitcase so I can pack for Arizona. Because the K-Train is rolling into town tomorrow night! Lock your doors and keep the kids inside.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, General, Worky Work | 9 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on September 12, 2007

No, this is not a post about how the Divorced Daddy introduced me to his daughter and she called me her new mommy.

Because if that happened, you’d see a Kristabella cutout on his front door (a la Tom & Jerry) as I ran for the hills. Not, not The Hills. I hate Heidi and Spencer too much. Although, it is nice to see Heidi actually dressing like she’s going to work. And not the gentleman’s club down the street.

Actually, this post is about funny things kids say. My brother has recently told me some high-larious stories about things my almost-two-year old niece has said of late. And they are too damn funny to not share with the rest of the world.

My niece Skyler, she of walking around in just a diaper and Auntie’s flip flops, was a very early talker. And much like her Auntie, once she started, she has not shut up. Which makes it absolutely hysterical because she’s a damn parrot. She repeats just about everything. Everything within the realm of a two year old’s vocal capabilities.

At one point, her favorite movie was The Little Mermaid. (Which? Good choice.) So when you asked her about Ariel, she’d be all “Ahh, ahh, ahh. Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh.” Like that one song. I think you needed to hear it. It was funny. Take my damn word for it.

One weekend when I was over there, the oven was on and my sister-in-law told her to stay away because it was hot. And she was all “it’s hot.” Which then made me teach her to walk around saying “that’s hot.” (I also taught her to say “Awwwww, snap!”) (You parental types might want to keep me away from your chilluns.)

Like every kid in the freaking world, my niece and nephew have Crocs. (Which are also worn by adults, like Divorced Daddy, but don’t get me started on that.) But when she sys it, since she’s not yet two, it comes out sounding like “cocks.” And because she’s again just like her Auntie and doesn’t know any level besides LOUD, it always comes out as “COCKS!!!!”

So she’s in a store with my sister-in-law and they happen to pass some Crocs on display. And she just starts yelling “SKYLER’S COCKS! COCKS! NOAH’S COCKS! COCKS!!! COCKS!!” And it is clear as day what she’s saying.

Last week in church, during the Homily or sermon or whatever, the priest was talking about a story of a hermit crab and a rooster. And every time the priest say rooster, my niece, not so quietly, yelled in quite a high-pitched voice “cock-a-doodle-dooooooo!” Every. Time.

And then a few weeks ago, again in church, they were all sitting close to the front, pretty close to the priest. And the Father was doing his thing when he blesses the bread and the wine before Communion. (I have no idea what this is called. And I’m Catholic.) Anyway, those of you who are Catholic, know that this is a very quiet time. Everyone is waiting for the damn bread so they can skip out the door right after Communion.

Anyway, as the Priest says “Take this all of you and eat it…” my niece, the parrot, decides to yell loudly, “EAT IT!”

Which turns my brother and sister-in-law and quite a few others into Giggle Monsters.

I mean, how could you not? This is why I can not be a parent. I would so make it worse. When I get the giggles, I can. NOT. STOP. It is a good thing I wasn’t with them.

But she’s just so damn cute, it is freaking impossible to not encourage it.

I can has cuteness?

Whose me? Yes I are cute. Kthxbai.

Oh noes!!1! Mine shampain glas are emptee!

(And finally, on a completely unrelated note, I want to wish Rich a HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY! And this is your damn present.)

Category: All in the Family, General | 6 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on September 10, 2007

I had an entire post planned out for tonight. And thank God for Yahoo Instant Messenger and Lori, because I would have posted it. And looked like the world’s biggest asshole. Since she reminded me that Tuesday is September 11.

In all honesty, I knew it was coming (duh, it’s 3 days before my birthday) but it doesn’t occur to me until I look at my watch or see a calendar or see an email that says it was delivered on September 11.

I really can’t honestly believe that it was six years ago. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday. To think that my niece and nephew weren’t even born. That their life has always been one where we are worried about terrorist attacks. They’ve only ever known a country that is at war with Iraq. That is a crazy thought to me.

Thankfully, I did not lose anyone close to me on that fateful day. But I do know it was touch and go for a lot of people that day. Like Teri, who is a flight attendant and was actually on the East Coast, scheduled to be flying back to California that day. Or a guy in the PR department, whose Dad worked steps from the World Trade Center. That was enough for me to handle. I have no idea what it was like to be there. To know people who lost their lives. And I hope it is nothing I ever have to experience. And something we never experience again as a country.

The weirdest thing for me was that I worked for the National Football League. Tuesdays are the players’ day off. But it is a busy time for the coaches. That’s when they do all their planning. And it’s also when the advance person sometimes heads out to the opponent’s city to get to work on the hotel, bus, airport stuff.

That day in 2001, my boss was expected to fly to New Orleans. We were playing the Saints on Sunday. And the team was traveling there on Friday afternoon. And the sad thing? As those towers were falling, the show was still going on. Kirk was frantically trying to figure out how to get to Louisiana. We worked a full day. Yes, a lot of it was sitting and watching TV and just sitting there with our mouths open in complete and utter shock. (What’s FONY?) But those coaches were in their office, with their TVs on, doing what they do every other Tuesday – preparing the game plan and playbook for the Saints game.

The NFL didn’t cancel the games until Thursday afternoon. One day before the team was scheduled to fly to New Orleans. We still practiced and had a normal (well as normal as possible) schedule on Wednesday. It was business as usual.

When the word came down that the games were indeed cancelled, only the second time ever in the history of the NFL, Steve Mariucci, the head coach at the time and one of my all-time favorite people, organized a blood drive. For every single person. Players, coaches and staff. Every single person.

And they all did. I will never forget Julian Peterson freaking out. Big, Pro Bowl linebacker Julian Peterson. He does NOT like needles. Or giving blood. And he didn’t want to do it. But he’s from the Washington, D.C. area. And one of his parents worked at The Pentagon. They were okay, but he knew that there were others that weren’t.

I know its probably pretty cliche to write a “Where Were You?” September 11 post. Me and all other 3 million people with blogs. But as I was sitting here typing a post about my dislike of the national anthem, set to post on September 11, it made me realize that I tend to only be aware of this day on the day.

And while we shouldn’t live in fear and let the asshats win, we also can never forget.

/end soapbox

Plus it didn’t feel right to have a post about booze or Britney the Train Wreck on 9/11. I have a little class.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Forty Whiners, General | 7 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on September 9, 2007

Besides consuming large amounts of alcohol.

Which is why I just took out the trash. For the first time in over a week. And oh, yeah, it was full. The flies were really starting to bother me. (Yes. I’m kidding.) (Maybe.)

First, I need to just say something. Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

So back about a month or so ago, Miss Zoot decided to raise money for the MDA. And with a $20 donation, she’d do a blogger spotlight. And how can you turn that down? I mean, helping a good cause and getting more traffic. Pure freaking genius.

So I did it. Well, mostly because I’m a traffic whore. And because, well, I’d donate even without the blogger spotlight. Because I’m nice. Didn’t you hear?

I was actually a little worried. Because, well, I love Zoot. And want to be her friend. And what if she didn’t like me? I would then have to strangle myself with Red Ropes. Because then at least when I changed my mind, I’d just have to eat myself out. And it’s a tasty snack.

But she likes me!

OhmyGodpeopleZootlikesmeandtotallywantstohangoutwithme. Like for real! She like shouted it from the rooftops and told the entire internet! And I’m sure she just says those things because we are all like donating money to her cause. But whatever. We’re so going to be BFFs.

So if any of you bloggers want to be showcased, get your ass over to her site and donate!

In other inane news, I spent too much time partying in the last four days. Again. I think I mentioned I was going to the Cubs game on Thursday. And I did. And drank from noon to 11. Because apparently I’m trying to cram in all the drinking that I can before I actually turn 30.

It actually would have been a relatively early night. And maybe I could have done dishes or something productive. But I met a dude. He was at the game with us. He’s a friend of a friend of the VP at my company that took us to the game. So we went out after the game and then I joined him and his friends Thursday night to watch the Colts/Saints game at another bar.

And want to know the best part? And by best, I mean kind of crappy? He’s divorced and has a 3 1/2 year old daughter.

Now, the divorced thing doesn’t bother me. I am the child of a divorced marriage. Better to split than stay in an unhappy marriage.

And yes, I do love kids. Want some of my own some day. But what I can’t seem to be okay with is dealing with baby momma drama.

I know. I know. I’m getting ahead of myself. But I need to figure out where I stand with this before I get too far into it.

But we hung out on Saturday night. And we had a GREAT time. So I’m just going to leave it at that. For right now. Because at the very least, I found a new friend to watch football and baseball with.

Oh! Completely unrelated to anything! I also bought a laptop this weekend. To congratulate myself on making it almost 30 years. And really? The only reason was so I can blog from my couch. It makes those open threads at MamaPop a lot easier when you’re actually facing the damn TV.

And because my desk chair is really damn uncomfortable. And I’m starting to think a new chair would have hurt the pocket book a little less.

But at least the laptop will make me cool. At least a lot cooler than someone who fucking says pocket book.

Time for bed, Grandma.

P.S. Justin Timberlake, I love you. And Timbaland. Because you kids just brought the hizzouse down at the VMAs.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, General, Lametown | 5 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on September 5, 2007

People, the time has come. I have bribed someone with enough cookies to get them to say nice things about me. Other places than on my own site. Or in person with a gun to their heads.

I won an award for mah blawg. Me. An award.

THE Hot Librarian thinks I’m nice. Isn’t she sweet? And so misinformed? She should talk to the coat girl.

Anyway, she decided to give me a Nice Matters Blogging Award. Or something.

It’s for those bloggers who are nice people (Who? Me?) and good blog friends – those who bring good feelings and inspiration (about booze?). Also for those who are a positive influence on our blogging world. (Like writing about booze?)

Anyway, thank you Hot Librarian. That was very nice of you. And I suppose to live up to this “label” you’ve slapped on me now, I should like return the favor or something. Right?

OK. Fine. Here are some more nice people.

1. Alyndabear – Because she’s cute and funny and is a teacher. So she must be nice. Because kids can be annoying. Especially in packs.
2. Marianne – She says all sorts of nice things to me. So much so, I want to carry her around in my purse. Plus, it’s not nice to upset a pregnant person.
3. The Hotfessional – Again, she says nice things about me. (Are we sensing a theme here? Say how awesome I am? And you win an award.) Plus, I’m mad jealous she was in The Big House for the UPSET OF THE CENTURY on Saturday. And she’s a Spartan like Winky.
4. Swishy – This girl can keep her cool even with the biggest idiots in the whole world. I am constantly in awe. Plus, we totally like the same bad reality TV shows.
5. Scarlet – One of my first internet friends, she deserves this because without her, I would have no one to text during boring sales training sessions when you just made an ass of yourself in front of the 25-year old salesboy.

Am I done now? Because this is enough nice for the rest of the damn year. My stomach hurts. And I don’t know how this award shit works. Which is why I’m probably never getting another one.

And now back to our regularly scheduled snark…

Guess what? I’m going to the Cubs game tomorrow! In the afternoon! Like the afternoon that would involve NOT being at work! And it’s not vacation! Because the VP invited me!

Too bad we’re going to get fucking poured on. Beats sitting at a damn desk, that’s for sure.

Because sitting at my desk would mean I would have to go to the cafeteria at lunch. Because am the world’s laziest person this week and DO NOT want to make my own lunch. (Don’t worry, I haven’t decided to fall off the deep end and eat burgers and fries every day. I’m still eating healthy. Ish.)

But going to the cafeteria means that you randomly run into Winky. Of course when you’re LEAST expecting it. You know when you’re back at work after yet another bender. And you have your back to him. And didn’t even see him walk in the damn place. Which means you don’t have time to prepare a witty remark. Or hide under the salad bar. But he calls out to you twice to tell you “to answer your question, yeah, it makes me really happy.”

To which you reply with a blank stare because WHY DID I HAVE TO RUN INTO YOU TODAY? And why didn’t I listen to Swishy and make sure I’m always looking hot in case I run into him? And then you finally say something along the lines of “it made my damn weekend” and walk away to pay for your stupid turkey wrap and Baked Lays.

But then you get back to your desk and think “awwww, he sought me out to give me an answer to the text I sent him over the weekend about Michigan losing. He so lurves me.”

And you vow never to hit the snooze button that many times again because that mess on top of your head? Cannot happen again.

Finally, we come to the People Are Idiots portion of our post. I have very rarely had a problem with doctors and billing and insurance and all that. I mean except for it not being 100% free and costing me nothing every time, I’m happy to not have to pay that all out of pocket. Well remember when I had the sore throat of death? Well, the stupid fucking urgent care place decided to take my NEW insurance information, COPY it, ASK me about it TWICE and the proceed to bill my OLD insurance. From a job from almost TWO years ago.

So I called them today and simply said. Fix this. You God damned idiots.

Because what the fuck? I’m a NICE person.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, General | 10 Comments »
Tags: