Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on September 20, 2007

There are only like four people, including me, that will have any idea what that title means. But, well, you had to be there. And yes beer was involved. And my loud, booming-ass voice.

Guess what Internet? I won a free T-shirt today! Courtesy?of my?biting wit AND the interweb! How awesome is that?

Oh, and not just any T-shirt. I won a Dad Gone Mad T-shirt! From DGM himself! Because I am funny. And made him laugh. And well, fuck, it doesn’t get much better than that! Because he is one funny man.

Anyway,?I made what I thought was a high-larious comment on his blog yesterday. And apparently he found it extremely amusing as well. (See the comments on that post.) So he’s sending me a shirt. Which I will sport with pride. Or something.

And then he called me a funny girl in an email. And you know what??My trash can packs quite a punch and leaves a mark when you pass out at your desk and fall out of your chair from the pure excitement of it all.

And I’m also aware that I really need to get a damn life. It’s a fucking T-shirt, woman.

Ineededsomethingtoputheretoserveasabreakandthecolorsthingisoldnews

So my new lover, Nintendo Wii, has been a little sad because I haven’t mentioned him here lately. And we’re like so getting married.

Anyway, I would like to point out, that my lovah made me feel dumb. More than once. (And yet? I still love him.) There is this kind of quizzy-type game that Cindy and I played. And in one portion, you have to pop the balloons shown in numerical order from lowest to highest. Easy right?

So Cindy and I are battling. I’m getting cocky because I’m a fucking genius. And I pick the balloon one. And then I utter “yeah, because it is soooooo hard to put numbers in the right order. Pshaw.”

And then I randomly get served the expert level. And I’m still one cocky SOB. Because numbers. I know how to count. I even probably know Derek Smith’s career-high in tackles if I think hard enough about it. (Or go pull out the media guide.) (18?)

The screen appears. And guess what numbers are on the balloons, people. Guess. Fucking fractions. But wait! Not just normal fractions. Fucking NEGATIVE fractions.

Needless to say, I did not win that one.

And now you see why I trash talk and rub it in to a four-year old. Because I’m damn sure that kid would have answered them right. And he probably also knows how to add, Cindy.

Ineededsomethingtoputheretoserveasabreakandthecolorsthingisoldnews

So my boss is retiring. She announced it today. She’s worked at this company for 40 years. Can you fucking imagine? That says a lot, I think. Because after five, I’m usually ready to stab myself. Or preferably someone else. Without going to jail.

I’m not sure what this means for me. And it won’t be until early 2008. But it should make things interesting. Especially if that half of my job wants to keep me and give me more to do. Because I’m sure the sales training side won’t be happy about that.

We might have a Tug-O-KJ on our hands. Sweet!

Ineededsomethingtoputheretoserveasabreakandthecolorsthingisoldnews

Remember?Salesboy Formerly Known As Winky (SFKAW)? And how he was dead to me? Well, he kind of still is. I’m just finding it way more amusing these days to pick on him because he’s a big BABY, rather than flirt him. Which is a hell of a lot more fun.

So turns out he will get to stay in the hotel. So being the excellent employee that I am, I sent him a note to let him and the other dude know they were GTG. (Good to go, people.) And he was very appreciative. And not an ass. And thought I actually had something to do with it.

Being insanely honest, I told him that I had nothing to do with it and that they needed to thank their managers. And then I said, I was happy to help. And that now he could stop crying.

He did NOT like that. One. Bit.

When the other sales guy wrote back to say thanks as well, I took the opportunity to pat myself on the back again for helping to stop SFKAW from crying.

More ALL-CAPS-SHOUTING e-mails ensued. And I laughed and laughed.

So today I decided that this should not end. Because it is too fun. And you deserve it, SFKAW. So I put a few pieces of Kleenex in the inter-office mail for him. And wrote “Just in case…” on the front.

He should get it tomorrow. And I can’t WAIT!

Ineededsomethingtoputheretoserveasabreakandthecolorsthingisoldnews?

Did you guys know I hate Halloween? Because I do. I just can’t stand the stupid holiday.?(There is a story. I shall share on Halloween.) While I love any kind of free candy, I do not like to dress up. People should just give me free candy. I should not have to do anything for it.

Anyway, so we have a sales conference the week of Halloween. This is the group SFKAW is a part of. It’s all the same people from last month coming back. It should be fun.

But so the idea is to do something for Halloween. Like a party or something. A costume contest. I don’t know. It won’t be organized-company-event night, so thankfully?I don’t have to plan anything. (Although I probably will anyway.) So whatever. I need a costume. Supposedly. Like I’ll get fired if I don’t have one.

And it is for work, so I’m not dressing like a slutty insert the blank. (Not that I would anyway. Dressing like a slut is not a costume, skanks.) So I figured I should get something. I actually wasn’t thinking about it too much. But when Schwerer and I were out shopping for dresses for my Fake Birthday, I found this dress. And it fits really nice.

It’s cute right? I immediately thought Jackie O. And I could get some big sunglasses and be done with it.

But then Schwerer and I put our cute heads together and decided that a Go-Go dancer would be sweet too. So I bought some accessories.

So won’t that be so cute as a costume? Or no? And if I got some cream-colored knee-high?boots? (The dress is cream. And do you think it matters that the headband is more white? And that maybe, just maybe, am I fucking thinking way too much about a damn costume I don’t even care about?) Or could I get away with black tall boots? Because I already have those.

And what do I do about the lack of sleeves? And that it will be October? And that here, in Chicago, it is generally 35 degrees on Halloween. Even if the days before and after?are 90.

And if I ever wear that dress to work after Halloween, will I always be looked at as the Go-Go Dancer? Because it wasn’t cheap, so I should probably wear it again. Maybe to a wedding?

Man, it is so much nicer to hate Halloween and not care.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Worky Work | 9 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on September 19, 2007

Or How Can I Have This Computer Surgically Attached In A Way That Is Functional And Fashionable?

I had a realization last night. I know. Alert the damn media.?I was sitting on my couch open-threading Big Brother 8 at MamaPop Talk, uploading my photos and making a slideshow complete with captions, all whilst?blogging from my couch. And I realized that maybe, just maybe, I spend too much time on the computer.

Nerd Alert.

As it is now, I’m on?the computer?all day for work. I actually have two on my desk! TWO! And when I’m not working, I am online checking blogs?catching up on the world’s news (i.e. TMZ). So me and the computer, we are already well acquainted.

But lately I’ve been spending most of my free time on the computer. Again, reading blogs, world news, open threading and blogging here. And I’m starting to wonder that what I think is?a good thing,?might be a little bit of a detriment.

See, last night, as I was in my happy place, on my new laptop (LOVE!), blogging, etc.,?Divorced Daddy called. And I didn’t answer. Because, well, the season finale of Big Brother was on. And I have my priorities.?And I figured he was going to peer pressure me into going to watch the Bears game Sunday night with him and his friends. And we have a sales conference starting EARLY Monday. And let’s face it. We all know what happens when I drink. I lose all rational thought. And I always come to the mathematical equation that beer > sleep. Every. Time.

Anyway, so I decided not to answer. I listened to the message. He was asking for me to meet him out for a drink. With some of his friends. (I think he’s scared to hang with me alone. I’m pretty frightening. Rawr!) And I’m glad I didn’t answer. Because I? Cannot lie. And have zero creativity when it comes to excuses. Because clearly I am?LYING.

So then he texted. For me to come out. Texts I can reply to. It’s writing. Lying and writing go hand and hand. So I came up with the most brilliant and witty response in the history of the world. I said “Ug. Can’t.”

Yep. Am quite a catch, fellas.

Because I was blogging. And I wanted to be blogging and on the computer. And, I was in my pajamas. Because am 30 now. Reasonable bedtimes and all that old people stuff.

And then I realized that I spend 90% of my weekday evenings blogging or on the computer in some fashion. And this is how I choose it. I bought myself a laptop so I could face the TV and use the computer. At the SAME TIME. I wanted to be able to blog from anywhere. Including my bathroom. If so inclined. (Look, don’t judge. I don’t know when the genius is going to hit.)

And this is how I like it.

In the past few months, I really jumped in head first with the blogging. I think it was when I discovered Bloglines?and realized there was an easy way to read 40-plus blogs in a day. And that meant more?time to comment and find other fun, new blogs.

My online courage went up. I started doing the open threads. And now? The one for Top Chef on Wednesdays is the highlight of my damn week. Hate to miss it. HATE. It is no fun to watch TV and make snarky comments to yourself. Because the voices inside my head? They are not funny. And they hate reality TV.

And my traffic went up. And then there were new readers. And more blogs added to my feed reader. And suddenly, I was consumed with the blogosphere and contributing to it and being an active member.

My numbers have gone up. (Thanks Zoot!) And I have more readers than I have ever had. And I love all of you. Each and every one. Except Rich.?

But now?since it’s more than just my mom reading, I feel I have a responsibility. To keep posting. And keep updating. And make you want to come back.?And the way to do that is to continue to write. As much as I can. And I have decided that the best way (for me)?to do this is write every day during the week when I can. Because this is the witty, thought-provoking shit people come here for. (Insert eye roll.)

I love writing every day. And most days, it isn’t a chore. (People, it is hard to be this awesome all the time.)?I have “met” so many cool bloggers in the last few months. And it is this great online society that we have. And all of it just makes me occasionally squeeeeeeeeee out loud. (Don’t worry. I’m taking medicine for that)

I leave the weekends for my socializing. And that works well. Because I can drink more. And KJ + drinking + not having to get up for work = good blog material. It is the perfect balance for me. Because I enjoy mah?blawging time.

So what if it means not changing out of your pajamas at 9 PM on a weeknight and having drinks with a short, balding, divorced Jewish man with a child.

I am?oh-kay?with that.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Lametown | 8 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on September 18, 2007

I actually didn’t realize it, it didn’t hit me, until I had to fill out an online survey today and realized I fell into the 30-35 demographic. That was weird. Because most times I still think I’m 26.

So now that I’m down off my birthday high. (Which sucks, by the way. Does this mean no more free drinks?) I figured I should share the stories from the ACTUAL BIRTHDAY WEEKEND.

Except, well, I really don’t have a lot. A lot of booze was consumed. Mostly by me. And Rich. I got to see a lot of people I haven’t seen in awhile. It was freakin’ hot as hell. The Devils won, and I didn’t go to the game. (Please don’t take away my Sun Devil card, Sparky.) And basically, it was a great, great birthday. The best actual birthday I’ve ever had. Followed closely by my fake birthday.

And I feel like I should do bullets or something. Since it seems so apropos for a summary of sorts.

• Lori and Mike were excellent hosts as always. And they shall receive a gift in the mail for being such good hosts. This is a note to all of you, if you let me stay at your house, you may receive a gift. It depends on how nice I’m feeling. And if you make me coffee in the morning.
• They have a puppy, Lola. I have a new best friend.
• Totally off-topic, but I love my new laptop. I’m sitting in front of the TV, actually facing the TV, and writing from the couch. When I get that wireless router, this will be moved to my bed. Because I can.
• The lady on the plane was totally reading my 30 blog post?over my shoulder as I was typing. I think she thought I was weird. And wouldn’t you for writing letters to yourself? Or someone else? Either way you cut it, it is a weird thing to read over someone’s shoulder.
• That will teach you, whore, for reading over my shoulder.
• Some dude was doing the same thing on my way back. As I was waiting for the plane to take me back to Chicago. Either that or he was watching the football game. But it wasn’t really that interesting (the game, not my writing.) And doesn’t everyone want to look over my shoulder when I’m writing something that is clearly highly entertaining.
• He should have just been glad I wasn’t looking at vibrators.
• So you want to know what I did on my actual birthday? Well, I was up until midnight Arizona time, so Mike & Lori wished me a happy birthday. They went to bed. I published my birthday post. And then I slept. And slept. And slept. Because I could. And it was my birthday.
• After having coffee made for me and a nice bowl of cereal, I checked emails. And all the nice comments on my blog. Including one from Lori. Who was sitting right outside my door. (You guys are so awesome! My black heart is starting to actually beat these days.)
• We had lunch at Dilly’s Deli. Which is a MUST for everyone who visits Arizona. Oh so tasty. Trust me.
• And then I met Rich out at Maloney’s for drinks. At 4 in the afternoon. Again, because I could. Plus, it was after 5 in Chicago.
• And then we went to Four Peaks Brewery. Because if you’re 30 and in Tempe, this is like one place it is okay for you to hang out at. And you won’t feel old. Because college students think Bud Light is good beer.
• And we stayed there. Until a little after 11. And I was donezo before midnight on my birthday. Because am old now. Must conserve energy. For the drinking for the next 60 years.
• Saturday I visited with Cindy and her new baby Casey. Who is so cute. And looks just like his big brother Cole.
• I love babies. That aren’t mine.
• And then she introduced me to my new lover, Nintendo Wii. And I was smitten. From the first time I held that little contraption in my hand.
• That was until I almost got my ass beat by a four-year old in tennis.
• A win that I did indeed celebrate. Because four, schmore. I wiped the court with you, Cole!
• But I bet his arm wasn’t sore the next morning.
• Saturday night I went to Lori’s sister’s bachelorette party. She’s getting married on Saturday. And that is all I will say about Liz. And marriage. And Korea.
• It was good times. Drinks! Dancing! Pink Taco for dinner!
• That will never get old. They have actual Pink Tacos on the menu. The shells are pink. And when you’re in a big group and the waiter comes out and asks “Pink Taco? Anyone have a Pink Taco?” to a group of ALL women, the mature thing is NOT to 1) giggle like a 10-year old or B) keep repeating it. Quite loudly.
• Sunday was spent recovering. With 4 BIG beers. And football. At a place called Old Chicago. It was like being at home watching the Bears game. About 90% of the TVs were on the Bears game and the place erupted when the Bears scored.
• Although I was the only one singing the fight song.
• “We’ll never forget the way you thrilled the nation, with your T formation.”
• And I must have had a good time, because I went to weigh-in tonight (for my big fight) and I gained five pounds. Totally moved me up a weight class. Now George Foreman is totally going to kick my ass.

Anyway, enjoy the photos from the weekend. And the fact that I must be 30 since it was so uneventful. I didn’t even fall or bruise myself in any way.

Being a grown up totally blows.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Age is Just a Number, Hooch Hilarity | 6 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on September 16, 2007

First, thank you, ALL OF YOU, for the nice birthday wishes! It meant a lot!

Second, I always feel like I need to write a post for all of those people out there in Internet Land. Because they know me. And that I like to drink. And that I’m one Jack and Coke away from landing in a gutter. Or naked in?someone’s front yard.

So yeah. I survived. For the most part. I’m sitting in the Phoenix airport waiting for our plane. Watching the Pats just make a mess of the Chargers. Which makes the Bears losing to them last week look?a lot worse.

Oh. And there is the lightning. Which is always good. For the flying.

But the weekend was awesome! Just how I thought it would be. I drank. A. Lot. I spent a lot of quality time with my friends. And it was just great to get away and continue to celebrate my birthday. For the like third weekend in a row. The Never Ending Birthday. Just how I like it.

I ate at all my favorite places. Got to hold a new baby. Experience Nintendo Wii. And am hooked. And maybe that would have been a better investment than the laptop. Because that can qualify as exercise.?You know, if you’re not getting your ass beat by a four year old.

But the plane is here. And I’m in group A. And I need to go pass the fuck out. Because I haven’t slept. In between all the drinking. And I get in at 1 AM. So Kristabella is going to be cranky tomorrow.

So stay tuned for more stories from the actual birthday. And photos. Complete with tiara.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, General, Hooch Hilarity | 7 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on September 14, 2007

I actually completely swiped this idea from Lena. I read her 30th birthday post and was so impressed, I had to attempt something similar on my own. If only to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I should just stick to my own ideas and stop trying to pretend I can write and that I’m all poignant and shit. Because clearly? I should probably stick to posts where I stick my tongue out.

30303030

Dear 20 Year Old Kristin,

Take more advantage of that fake ID of yours. 30-year old Kristin is very disappointed in you. What, are you trying to graduate and get a good job? Pshaw. You have the rest of you life to work. All that work going to the DMV and the best you could do was meet some weird guy from Milwaukee and make out with him at The Cubby Bear after a Cubs/Brewers game?

Don’t worry. Things will get better. You will drink much, much more.

Also? Enjoy this time with no real responsibilities. This won’t ever happen again.

Love, 

30, Your Drunk Older Self

30303030

Dear 21 Year Old Kristin,

This will be the only time in your life that you will have three different employers knocking down your door to have you as their employee. Enjoy how awesome it is to have so many prestigious universities and professional sports teams fawning over you.

And I want to tell you that Kim is awesome. And you shouldn’t feel like you’re losing your brother. Trust me when I tell you that you will get even closer to him in a few years and your life will be so much better by having a sister-in-law like Kim.

Love,

30

P.S. Tattoo? GREAT idea!

30303030

Dear 22 Year Old Kristin,

It gets better. Really. This is a tough time. Moving to a new freaking state. Working at company where it you are the youngest by far and it seems to be really cliquey. On top of it, you’re making next to nothing and you’re bored silly.

But you tough it out! You hear me? Because these years in California will be some of the best of your life and you wouldn’t trade a second of these years for anything.

Love,

30

30303030

Dear 23 Year Old Kristin,

That girl that you’re really threatened by who just started in the PR department? The one who is just like you in every damn way? So much so that people confuse the two of you?

Don’t be. Be confident in the job that you do and that she isn’t trying to tread on your territory. Stop fucking peeing on your desk to mark your damn territory so she doesn’t come around. You are both really talented and awesome at what you do in your own ways. Embrace it.

And when you do finally learn to embrace it, you will have a friend for life that you would do anything for and who would do anything for you.

Love,

30

30303030

Dear 24 Year Old Kristin,

The biggest thing you need to remember is that perception is reality. I know it feels like you are not being yourself, selling out and acting like a corporate drone, but I’m telling you, it is all part of being a grown up and working as a professional. We are not going to like everyone we work with or work for. But sometimes, asshats are hired as Vice Presidents. The sooner you learn that you have to suck it up and put on a good company face, the easier your life will be.

And appreciate the fact that when people stick their necks out for you, it is a big deal. And just doing a good job can’t get you through every situation.

It isn’t easy. You’re still learning as you reach 30.

Down With Asshats,

30

30303030

Dear 25 Year Old Kristin,

I know it seems like you are under a pile of financial shit, but you will get out of it. And you’ll forgive her for putting you in this mess. Everyone makes mistakes. And even though you can’t admit it, you always knew that she would never do anything to purposely hurt you. Because she loves you with the heat of 17,000 suns.

Love,

30

30303030

Dear 26 Year Old Kristin,

You are beautiful inside and out. And you need to realize this. No one can make you feel good or bad. You control that. Just because you have lost all this weight and look great, does not mean you should go out and sleep with anyone who pays attention to you. You are beautiful, at any weight. Don’t let anyone tell you any different or make you feel any different.

Love,

30

30303030

Dear 27 Year Old Kristin,

Oh honey, this year is a bad one. I know it seems like it will never get better, but it will. I just want to go back and give you a big hug and tell you that it WILL GET BETTER. You will pull through this year like you have pulled through every other one.

It is okay to be depressed. Do you hear me? And it is okay to see a therapist. And it is OKAY to be on anti-depressants. Fuck society and their stigmas. Together, the therapy and medicine will make you much, much better. You will sleep a full night again. You will be so much happier and positive and this was so for the best.

And the job thing? It will take care of itself. And you’ll get to move back to Chicago like you want. And all on their dime.

And it will be tough at first. So tough you’ll want to move back to California. But stay with it. And in turn you will become so close to Mike, Kim and Noah and Skyler. Although, you don’t know who she is yet. But trust me. You will love that little girl so much.

Love,

30

P.S. Isn’t coffee great?

30303030

Dear 28 Year Old Kristin,

I know he seems like he’s the one. He’s your first love. And you will constantly think about him and want him back in your life. This is a BIG mistake. It will cause more pain to that wound. You need to let it heal. For good.

He’s not right for you. You deserve someone who has the time for you and will treat you like the wonderful woman that you are. And I am sure that he is out there somewhere. And if not? It’s okay because you have the best friends and family money could buy.

Listen to me,

30

30303030

Dear 29 Year Old Kristin,

The biggest thing to remember this year is that everything happens for a reason. And you’ll learn the importance of sticking with things – your writing, your current job and your drinking.

Things are not always what they seem. And you’ll head into 30 probably the happiest and most content you have been in your whole life.

Enjoy every single minute of it.

And you’ll also work at a job that is slowly turning you into an alcoholic with all these sales conferences. And we are okay with that.

Love,

30

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Age is Just a Number | 17 Comments »
Tags: