Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on October 9, 2007

Sometimes I wish I lived in England or Australia. Or any of those other English speaking countries that aren’t in North America. Because they have cool accents. And their slang is just awesome.

The other night I was IMing with Alynda and she said she couldn’t “be arsed to do” something or other. And I’m all “did you just say arsed? Like is that the term for when you’re talking out of your ass? Because I do that shit all the time!”

Apparently not. Apparently, it means bothered. Like if you can’t be bothered to do something, you can’t be arsed to do it. Like I really need to do laundry, but I really can’t be arsed to do it because there is wine to drink and stairs to fall down. Or I should get my arse off the couch, but for reals, yo, I can’t be arsed to do it.

I am now adopting this phrase. And I think you should all try to work it into one conversation today. Even though when I tried it out at work the other day it doesn’t sound right. Because, well, a Chicago/Midwestern accent just doesn’t do it justice. But I shall prevail. Until I just can’t be arsed to do it anymore.

And this, my friends, is like the most exciting thing I have to write about. I think I hit my peak with the 201 Things. I mean, Jesus Christ, there’s not much you don’t know now. Although, I left my Sun Devil wedding plans out of that. That deserves its own post. Because the crazy is off the charts.

I just haven’t been getting a lot of sleep lately. It started with the late Cubs games last week. (Which, really, maybe I should have just gone to bed and slept through that mess.) And then into the weekend. And drinking lots of wine. And having to take my car in for new tires. And THE HEAT! In OCTOBER! And sitting in traffic at 11:30 PM (where the FUCK are all you people going?). And have I mentioned THE HEAT? And then having to get up to like step on a damn scale. Which really, I can’t be arsed to do that. Because of my FAT ARSE.

And then last night with the Bears game. And thank God they aren’t always on that late. Noon is much better. And since they won, and in such dramatic fashion, we MUST DO VICTORY SHOTS! Past 11 PM on a Sunday night. Now there’s something I shouldn’t have been arsed to do. (No, I’m not going to stop.)

And then we must go to another bar and celebrate! Because bar we were at was too expensive! So we decided to drink the worst tasting beer I have ever had in my life. And I drink Old Style on a regular basis. There was a reason this beer was on special. Because it got all kinds of skunky. It tasted like what I would imagine the inside of a skunks arse would taste like. You know, if I like sat around wondering shit like that?

The Divorced Daddy thing is still the same. He acted no different. I did though. To be quite honest, he has this one friend and she’s super cool and fun. And I like hanging out with her. Like total BFFs. We exchanged numbers, so we could drink beers for Bears game on weekends when DD has the offspring. So now, the Sunday night games are not necessary.

But he was super, super flirty again. It happens more when he gets drunk. There was the instance of when?he asked me, in front of the whole group, if I was sleeping over. Which then turned awkward for everyone involved. Including yours truly. Thankfully, he changed the subject fast.

I can handle hanging out with him. (I know. I changed my tune from a few weeks ago. But I just don’t like to be rejected by someone clearly inferior.) I don’t think I really liked him that much. He was nice. And nice is good. Oh, and all the flirting told me there was something MUTUAL. So I attempted to give it a shot.

But now that it’s purely a friends thing, I’m not going to flirt back. You can’t have your damn cake and eat it too. And I’ve just decided he’s a huge tease. It’s why all his friends are chicks. It makes him feel better as a person. Probably because he’s divorced and feels like less of a man. Either that or he got ditched by the ex. And he’s trying to prove to the world that he can have all these good looking women. Um, too bad that you’re not dating any of them. And none of us are stupid enough to put up with your games.

Did I tell you I got my therapist’s license in the mail last week? I nailed that mail order course!

And when I was tipsy last night, it seemed like such a good story. All the flirting! And the texts! And the things he said! Out loud! But really? Who the fuck cares? I’m on to his game and I can’t be arsed to play along. But I like having people to watch games with in the city. People who like football. And beer. And VICTORY SHOTS!

Because that’s about all I can be arsed to do.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging | 9 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 8, 2007

First, in typical Kristabella fashion (read = completely oblivious), I wrote this awhile back and was going to post this on September 11. I’m pretty sure I would have landed in some sort of prison. Or I would have been recruited by a terrorist cell.

And since now I’m a little drunk, since the Bears won tonight (we Chicagoans have to take ANY victory we can these days), I’m posting this. Because tomorrow, when I’m sober and can put coherent sentences together, I’ll tell you how I watched the game tonight with Divorced Daddy. And his friends. And nothing has changed. And you’ll just have to wait a day to read about this. If you’re still talking to me after this post.

I’m sure I’m going to cause a lot of controversy with this post. And all those visitors that have come over here from Zoot, (welcome! Please stay and comment! And please come back!) will be long gone when they read this one.

And I’m pretty sure it’s going to put me into some database with the terrorists. Why, you ask? Because I hate the national anthem. Of my country. The good old U-S-of-A.

*ducks*

Now, I do NOT hate America. I love our country. And love that I get to live in a country where we have the freedoms that we do. A country where I can consume as much alcohol as I can and make a complete ass of myself. A country were I can start a website and say anything. (Even if sometimes it gets me fired.) I am proud to be an American. (That sounds like a good title for a song.)

But I cannot stand the Star Spangled Banner. Yes, maybe hate is too strong a word. But I like really, really dislike it. Standing there at sporting events, etc. is like fingernails on a damn chalkboard to me. I would honestly rather be at the dentist having a root canal. That few minutes is the loooongest few minutes of my life. Sometimes making me ponder the amount of pain jumping from the top of the stadium would cause. And if that indeed would be more painful than that stupid song.

I know. You are all deleting me from your feed readers. “She probably hates apple pie too! And Chevy’s! The cars! And I bet she burns the flag!”

I don’t know what it is. I worked in sports for so many years that I pretty much heard that song every damn day. Maybe it is because I have heard bad singers sing it far too often. But even when it is someone good, and it should blow me away, like at the Super Bowl or the World Series, I literally sit there with my fingers in my ears saying lalalalalala. Because it CAN’T END FAST ENOUGH. STOP SINGING! And God help us when they sing God Bless America too! Where’s my gun?

In college, when I was working in the Sports Information office, I worked every sport. You name it, I worked it once – cross country meets, swimming, volleyball, softball, baseball, basketball, football, track, wrestling, tennis. Every. Sport. Many times, more than one sport in a day. Can you imagine, waking up early to sit in a closet at the pool working a swimming meet, then changing in the bathroom because the football team kicks off in a few hours? Do you know that is two times (TWO TIMES) you have to hear the damn national anthem?

Times that by three years at Arizona State, which also included working random Phoenix Suns games as well. More Star Spangled CRAP. And then I spent my summers working for a minor league baseball team. Do you know how many home games those teams play? And then more working in the NFL. And then add that on to the games I attend as a fan. I now know why I choose to skip the beginning of the games. Maybe it is for the extra beer at the bar to avoid the insane ballpark prices. Or maybe it is so I won’t pull out my lovely brunette locks.

OK, so organize the lynchings. I can handle it. Because it doesn’t make me hate my country. Or stop going to events. Or even stop listening to it.

It just makes me dislike Francis Scott Key more than any human should.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging, Rants & Rants | 8 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 4, 2007

And without further ado, in honor of my 201st post, here are 201 Things About Kristabella.

Or, alternately titled Kristabella Has A Conversation With Herself Inside Her Head

Or, 201 Is A LOT Of Things

Or, No One Will Make It To The End

Or, Yes I Can Do It Hotfessional

1. My name is Kristin
2. I wanted to put my full name
3. But am still afraid of The Man
4. I don’t come up when I Google my name
5. But there is a member of the Donner Party
6. I am 30.
7. It’s harder to write that and say it than I thought it would be
8. It means I get tired easier
9. And staying out drinking until all hours requires a full day to recover
10. Which totally blows
11. I am a middle child
12. Shocking, no?
13. My older brother’s name is Mike
14. He is married and has two kids. You see them here often
15. My younger sister’s name is Courtney
16. She has a son
17. I was not close to them growing up
18. I hated my brother until high school, and then we got very close
19. That makes me happy
20. My sister and I are close, despite my outward displeasure with some choices she’s made
21. My parents got divorced when I was 8 (maybe 10)
22. We did not grow up with a lot of money
23. Most days, I’m shocked at how my single mom did it, raising three kids on her own
24. And she did an awesome job
25. I don’t tell her that enough
26. My mom is my best friend
27. We talk almost every day
28. I can tell her anything
29. Although, she probably wishes that weren’t the case at times
30. My dad got re-married
31. I didn’t like my stepmom at first
32. Because I was a pre-teen and was just a bitch
33. But now I love her. She’s great
34. They had three kids, all girls, my half-sisters
35. I babysat all three of?them as newborns
36. The oldest is a sophomore in college
37. Yes, it makes me feel old
38. My Dad battled alcoholism his entire life
39. He lost the battle in 2002.
40. I’m not actually sure it was 2002
41. I didn’t go to the funeral
42. It was during training camp
43. Right after we got back from Japan
44. Not that it mattered, I wouldn’t have gone anyway
45. The night he died, I went to a minor league baseball game in Stockton
46. It was $2 beer night
47. THAT I remember
48. When he died, I hadn’t talked to him in about 5 years
49. A decision I do not really regret
50. He hurt me more than any person has ever hurt me
51. And I’m not sure I’ve forgiven him completely yet
52. Because still now, all these years later, I’m still looking for his approval
53. Yes, I realize this is messed up
54. And it’s what I learned in therapy
55. But I miss him
56. And I miss the fact he missed out seeing the awesome person I’ve become
57. And that he won’t walk me down the aisle
58. You know, if I ever get married
59. Some days, I am scared that I’ll never find my true love
60. Because I’m all talk when I say I’m OK marrying my DVR
61. I want the family and the white picket fence
62. I’m tall. Just like my dad.
63. I’m 5-11
64. And it’s all in my legs
65. Which makes it hard to find pants
66. Well, that and my fat ass makes it hard
67. I’m a huge sports fan
68. I love the Cubs, Bears and Arizona State Sun Devils
69. I got my passion for sports from my mom
70. She and I would watch the Bears every Sunday
71. She taught me about football
72. She took me to my first Bears game
73. In the middle of December
74. I thought I was going to lose my toes
75. I no longer cheer for the 49ers
76. Because they don’t pay me to do it anymore
77. And John York treats his employees like crap
78. Which you don’t realize until you work at other places
79. Places like my current job that a lot of people have worked at for over 30 years
80. And weekends off are NOT overrated
81. Nor is drinking beer in the stands at sporting events
82. I enjoyed my time with the Niners, but it was time to get out of there
83. Everyone thinks it is so glamorous, but it is still a job
84. A job where you aren’t allowed to do certain things because you lack a certain appendage
85. Which I never got used to
86. Because I don’t like to be told I can’t do something
87. Especially if that reason is because I have a vagina
88. I played the saxophone for 8 years
89. At one point I wanted to be the next Kenny G
90. It embarrasses me to type that out
91. Thankfully I snapped out of that daze
92. I decided my junior year of high school that I wanted to be a sportscaster
93. And that I was going to get my degree from Notre Dame
94. Obviously, neither of those things happened
95. I applied to three colleges – Notre Dame, ASU and Marquette
96. Marquette only for my mom, since it was only 90 miles away
97. I threw away ASU’s brochure the first time I got it
98. Until my brother said “that would be a cool place to go to school”
99. And that shows you how much his opinion did (and still does) mean to me
100. Once I decided, my Grandma told me there was no way I could move that far away from home and go to school
101. She said my brother could do it, but I wouldn’t last a month
102. I decided right then and there that I was going to Arizona State
103. And I didn’t move back home for the next 10 years
104. Partly just to prove her wrong
105. It was the best decision I ever made
106. Every kid should go away for school
107. When I didn’t get into Notre Dame, I cried
108. Bawled like a huge baby
109. It was my dream
110. Mostly because I know my dad wanted that
111. I even debated transferring to Notre Dame after my first semester at ASU
112. Thankfully that was a fleeting thought
113. I had a good time at ASU
114. So much so, I got Sparky tattooed on my ankle
115. A week before I was standing up in my brother’s wedding
116. That’s probably the most rebellious thing I’ve ever done in my life
117. My brother was pissed
118. My mom thought it was so cool
119. My mom is awesome
120. Because she will support me in anything I ever choose to do
121. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend
122. I met him four days before I turned 28
123. We only dated three months
124. But I thought he was the one
125. I was wrong
126. It took me a long time to get over him
127. He broke up with me on my mom’s birthday
128. While I was watching Grey’s Anatomy
129. It’s an amazing feat that I still like both those things
130. I am a reality show addict
131. But only the really trashy ones
132. I’m totally okay with that
133. Because I need to feel superior sometimes
134. I have a really great work ethic
135. Because I am a perfectionist
136. Which is why I procrastinate
137. But I think it might be just a little OCD
138. Like when I freak out over a line at 4.217″ in Quark rather than 4.215″, which would be a perfect .375″ from the line above it
139. See? OCD.
140. I have really bad eyes
141. I’ve had glasses since I was about eight
142. But I’m scared to death to get Lasik
143. Because contacts and glasses might be a hassle, but are better than being blind
144. I have very sensitive retinas
145. Which is why I always have to have sunglasses
146. Even if it isn’t sunny
147. An eye doctor told me it was typical of blonde-haired, blue-eyed people
148. Too bad my natural color is really brunette
149. But I’m half Swedish, so I’m a blonde
150. No matter what the roots of my hair say
151. I’m also half Polish
152. And yes, I know how to say beer in Polish
153. I think that beer is the one word you should know in any foreign language
154. I took Spanish for like 5 years of my life
155. And I’m pretty sure all I can say is “where is the bathroom?”
156. And “where’s mah beer?”
157. English is the only language I speak
158. An not particularly well
159. Except I can say “the potato salad looks delicious” in German
160. Don’t ask
161. I used to be a very negative person
162. But hitting rock bottom and going on anti-depressants really put things in perspective
163. So did getting fired
164. And now I really try and be a “glass half full” kind of girl
165. Despite all my rantings
166. I hate negative people
167. It?is hard to be friends with negative people
168. So I try to not be friends with Debbie (or Donny) Downers
169. I think I should make this my Match.com profile
170. I’m sure I’ll be off the market in a hot second
171. I wish I was more creative
172. So I could design my own site
173. Because this one? Is too boring and WHITE
174. But all the other WordPress options blow
175. I love rap music
176. I know Kanye West is an ass, but I love his music
177. He’s freaking talented
178. Even though he needs to get the hell over himself
179. I’m quite insecure
180. Even though I like to pretend I’m not
181. I put up a good front
182. Being all big-mouthed and loud
183. But I am a people pleaser
184. Which means no matter what, I just want people to like me
185. And tell me I’m funny
186. And pretty
187. I loathe horror movies
188. Remember that boyfriend from No. 120? He made horror movies
189. They weren’t any good
190. I love to read
191. I get that from my mom too
192. One of my favorites is Freakonomics
193. Probably because I generally don’t like non-fiction and I was convinced I wouldn’t like it
194. But I did, and I love those kind of pleasant surprises
195. I have an unhealthy obsession with pop culture
196. I am addicted to the lives of celebrities
197. So much so, I generally am clueless about what is going on in the real world
198. Who is this Obama person everyone keeps talking about?
199. Just kidding
200. I need to use the phrase “ass over teakettle” more often
201. This was not easy.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging | 20 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 3, 2007

This is my 200th post.

The End.

Go Cubs Go!

Wow. I’m kind of shocked. One because, well, that’s a lot of posts. Most of them include plenty of whining. And plenty of drunken moments. And two, because I would think I would have more. It sure seems like I’ve written a million posts. But apparently not.?And I’ve actually only gotten better at the posting every day during the work week thing in recent months. And look what that means! I had a whopping 31 comments on my Mofo Delurk post! That means my mom isn’t really refreshing 100 times a day. It’s probably only like 30! So, yay!

So, thank you to everyone who commented, especially the lurkers. See? It wasn’t that bad. And hopefully you got out there and delurked on others blogs and shared the lurve.

I, myself, realized that making it a point to reply to everyone’s comment on Mofo Delurk Day was probably not the best use of my time at work today. But I did really appreciate all the comments. Really. I’m becoming more un-Grinch like every damn day.

It just meant that?I didn’t get anything done. And I’m a tad overwhelmed at work these days. There usually comes a time at every job I have when my employers and bosses realize how damn awesome I am and exactly what I am capable of and what is in my repertoire. Which means shit gets added to my plate every damn minute when they finally have that A HA! moment and realize I can do so. Much. More. Because am team player. And am incapable of saying no. Because I need paychecks. Even though I am not your bitch.?But did you know we can have Kristin re-create an entire workbook in Quark and save the company millions? (OK. Not millions.)

But this? Is a lot of work. And while I relish the time to get better re-acquainted with Quark (it’s been since college), I also don’t really have the time. Because we have another sales conference coming up. And I have that whole other half of my job that I’ve been neglecting.

So, I just need to take a deep breath. Possibly talk to my boss because it is manageable right now. But you don’t have to be a damn clairvoyant to see that it can and will get out of hand very soon.

How’s that rant for a 200th post?

Go Cubs Go!

So did you guys know that my blog is having a birthday here soon? It’s on October 19. Would it be weird to throw my blog a party? And would it also be weird to have the coat girl as the Grand Marshall? And would it also be quite tacky (not to?mention mean) to request people bring a coat with them to the party to leave behind?

Watch your inbox for the evite. Because really? Kristabella the Person and Kristabella the Blog just need reasons to drink. Kristabella the Person drinking leads to better material for Kristabella the Blog. So then everyone is happy.

(I think we both might need some kind of professional help, though.)

Go Cubs Go!

Do you think I watch too much TV? I am sitting here in quite a pickle. (No, I’m not actually sitting in a pickle. My ass is so huge, it’d have to be some pickle. Plus the cats don’t like the smell of vinegar.) Currently my DVR, my DUAL DVR, has plans to record both TVs from 7-10 and 8-11:30, respectively. And you know what one of the things it isn’t recording? The freaking Cubs game! Because that starts at 9 PM.

So my dilemma is do I NOT watch the season finale of Top Chef and miss the last open thread of the year and instead watch the Cubs game? Because Bravo airs their shit seventeen million times? I know as a good Cubs fan, that’s what I need to do. But also? It makes me sad. Because I heart the open threads.

And maybe, just maybe, I should slap myself. The Cubs, woman! They are in the playoffs! They? WON the division! For fuck’s sake what is wrong with you?

Ouch, self! You smack hard! Oh kay! I’m recording Top Chef at 12:30. Because I already had to change the time for The Real World. Because I am that much of a loser.

Go Cubs Go!?

Remember last year when I was a month late for that NaBloPoMo thing? And I wrote every day for a month? Even on the weekends? Which included quite a few bad posts?

Well this year, I’m on top of it. And it starts November 1. So I get to participate with the rest of the blogging world. And I willbe participating. Which will be tough. Mostly because November 1-2 is the end of a sales conference. The one where those drunken kids from August come back. Including Winky. The last time these people were in town? I had the shakes every day at 3 PM. Until I had a glass of wine. Then? I was totally fine.

That’s totally normal, right? For alcoholics?

So those first two posts of the month might be a lot of crap. (Kind of like this.) Especially since the rules say no writing ahead of time and posting at a later date. *Shakes fist at NaBloPoMo Overlords*

Go Cubs Go!??

And for my next trick, tomorrow for my 201st post? I shall impress you with my 201 Things post! Mwah ha ha. 100 Things is for sissies!

Because the Cubs game will start late again tomorrow night, so I will be up late. Again.

You’re on notice, Alyndabear!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Rants & Rants | 10 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 2, 2007

Some of you have made mention to me about the pretty button on my sidebar about The Great Mofo Delurk 2007. “Delurking,” you say. “What in heavens is that?”

OK, just my mom asked what “that weird thing on the right side” of my blog was. And she did actually ask what “lurking” was. Good thing she’s not a lurker. Here.

Basically, today is a national day for all of us (that?means you!)?to get out there and comment. Here, preferably, and other places as well. That blog you’ve been reading for months? Make a comment!

When I first started reading blogs after being turned on to Jen Lancaster’s after we read her first book, I was hooked. But I was a right lurker. Because I did not KNOW these people. And what should I say? I’m not funny! Witty things, I do not utter. And I sometimes talk like Yoda, apparently.

But eventually something will strike you, and you’ll fire up your first comment. And if you’re like me, you’ll probably agonize over it. “What if everyone thinks I’m an idiot?”

Who cares? Maybe you ARE an idiot. (This isn’t a good way to get people to comment, is it? About as bad as referring to them as Mofos.)

(And P.S. I still think that when I make a comment. It’s a good thing more people are finding out that indeed, yes, I am an idiot.)

I’ve had discussions with a lot of my friends about commenting. They are frightened. Some of them feel that they can only comment if they have something funny to say. Or a piece of sage advice. Or to tell me “yes, you are pretty” or “yes, you are funny.” (Those things? Always welcome.)

But here is the thing. And I think any blogger will agree. We love ANY comment. Well, almost any. We don’t like trolls. We like to pretend that we write for ourselves and that it is very therapeutic and all that crap. While some of it may be true, we are also insecure, attention-needing famewhores. (What? That’s just me? Oh, ok.) We are human. We like to hear nice things. And that you like us. That you really like us.

I appreciate each and every comment I get. Even Rich’s. Most days. I’ve created some great friendships with people through comments and emails. I try and email every commenter back. Because that’s how much it means to me to get a comment. It makes me happy that I can entertain you. And I’m more than happy to welcome you into the Krayzee that is Kristabella.

And I’m an offender too. I lurk. I read about 40 blogs a day in my feed reader. It is sometimes a lot easier and faster to just read the post in the reader and move on. And those people need the love too. And today? The love? It shall be given.

So I’m here to tell you to make a comment today.?Stop in to say “hiya!” to your favorite bloggers. Whether you’re a lurker or not. Show some love to the bloggers that you enjoy reading. Because in this crazy world,?we can all use a little internet love.

AND! As an added bonus! I’m going to make it easy to comment. Because I’m going to ask you a question. That you can easily answer in a comment. Ready?

Q: Would you rather eat glue or a crayon?

Follow-up Question: If you said crayon, what color?

See you in the comments!

Category: All Things Blogging | 31 Comments »
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