Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on October 18, 2007

1. I’m going to do this with numbers. Do you like numbers?
2. I’m kinda drunk again tonight. And have the Fat Fingers disease.
3. Because we had a work dinner. Which was all kinds of fun.
4. Which I needed because the end of my work day today? Was horrible. I am tired of you thinking I am your bitch. I was not hired to be your admin. And frankly? I don’t want to do this shit for you.
5. So thank God we had a work dinner.
6. And I got to not think about it for a few hours.
7. Which was good. Because I was pretty upset.
8. Like tears in my cube kind of upset.
9. Then I got to drink GOOD wine and not have to pay for it.
10. I’ll be paying for it tomorrow when I get up.
11. It’s already tomorrow.
12. I could make this a 301 things.
13. Kidding.
14. I felt like I had to post. Especially since blackberrie really likes Drunkabella. Sadly, Kristabella likes Drunkabella a lot more than she likes me.
15. Friday is my blogiversary. Or blirthday. My blog turns one years old.
16. We’re having a party at Howl at the Moon in Chicago.
17. You’re all welcome to come.
18. You know, like all my readers are secretly Chicago residents that I don’t know about.
19. If you are, totally come out and join us!
20. I am tall and have brown hair.
21. I’ll be the really drunk one.
22. I will post photos of the jewelry I bought.
23. Because I got tons of compliments today on one necklace I bought.
24. ‘Tis super cute.
25. I should go to bed.
26. Because three nights of drinking in a row is not good for 30 somethings.
27. We are old.
28. I don’t know who I mean by me.
29. Me and the voices inside my head, I guess.

And finally, reason why you shouldn’t leave your camera within easy access of your drunk friend after you both tied one on at book club. Since obviously she isn’t your real friend. Since she’d take such unflattering pictures of you. And also? Drinking that much red wine just makes it look like a cat shit in your mouth, jackass.

Get some damn sleep. And stop DRINKING, you damn moron.

Category: All Things Blogging, Hooch Hilarity, Lametown | 16 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 17, 2007

Or the masses will revolt. Because I? Am that IMPORTANT of a blogger. So much so, I should be a Blogger. Capital B bitches.

I kid. Because I am not important. And really, do you care if I don’t post every day? Especially when the last two days involved me drinking and now me posting with a lot of misspellings? That I just have to go back and catch later. Otr maybe I’ll just leabve them. Like that one there. Because me plus booze equls fat fingers. And a bad sense of spelling and grammar. Heee. Heee.

So what did you do Monday night? Because I? Had dinner with this guy.

We totally perfected the Paso Doble.

And for those of you who aren’t aware, when celebrities are asked to “appear” at events for large sums of money, free booze is involved. And we all know how that ends. If I’m there.

Oh, and I also met Cheryl Burke. Which I WILL have a photo of. If the guy ever sends me the picture. (And P.S. she is just as beautiful in person and the nicest person ever! And she drinks the alcohol. So me likey.)

And I’ll just share with you the?fact that I made?a huge ass of myself. May have said “Jerry Rice, Shmerry Rice” to her. Because really? I already knew Jerry. She’s new celebrity that I can make an ass of myself in front of. And Cheryl? Don’t mind the purple teeth from the red wine. Totally NORMAL.

For alcoholics.

Anyway, tonight I went to a jewelry party. Which was at a bar. Which had ALCOHOL. Which I naturally consumed. Which accounts for the fat fingers. And lack of coherent thought. (Um, dudes, I may be drunk, but I totally just used coherent in a sentence. And in the right context. Me? I’m with the ruling! Because I rule! With the ruling! See? Drunk.)

So yeah, the highlight of tonight is that I bought a lot of jewelry, drank a lot of wine and still managed to post. Because the people need to know. That I didn’t get captured by the government for hating the national anthem. Or that I’m not lying in a gutter somewhere. Or that I ran away with Cheryl Burke and got married!

OK. I’m going to bed. Because no one needs this. ANY of this.

Category: All Things Blogging, Hooch Hilarity, Lametown | 13 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 15, 2007

Today is Blog Action Day.

Some person or peoples banded together and realized “hey, there are 17 gazillion blogs out there! Let’s organize a day and get them all to talk about something! And not something like toe cheese! Something like all important and the like!”

So that’s what today is. Sadly, for me, they didn’t pick toe cheese for the subject. Because I’m sure I could wax poetically about toe cheese for pages and pages of material. You would all feel the CALL TO ACTION about toe cheese.

But those smartypants people came up with a good topic. It’s about the environment. Which is good. Because we should all be concerned about the environment. Green is in, people.

Living in California for 6 years brought out my inner tree-hugger. I’ll admit, growing up, I probably swung a little more to the right and my philosophy was ozone, schmozone.

But I think, and I’m not exactly positive, I think there is something in the air. Or there are subliminal messages on the television and radio when you live out there in Cali. Because the environment? Yes, I am concerned. Must recycle. And Styrofoam is the work of SATAN.

Seriously, I recycled when I lived here in Chicago before I went to college. Because my mom made us. So it was more of a have to?than a want to. And I’m pretty damn sure Arizona as a state didn’t recycle when I lived there. It’s still 1970 there. They are far behind the rest of Western civilization. “Public transportation? Wha???”

But to me the environment is always going to be about waste and recycling and the sort. Because that to me is something I feel I can do to help. And you know, like something where I can still be lazy and not have to do any of that manual labor shit to help out.

I was a hard core recycler in the Bay Area. It’s hard not to. You just put recyclable stuff in one bin, trash in another. And they are right next to each other! Genius! In Chicago? Not so easy. They have some sort of blue bag program, where you have to go buy these blue bags to put your?recycling in. And you know what they do with these blue bags? They put them in with your other trash and smash it all up together. The only thing coming out of the blue bag program is that Mayor Daley is using the money we use to buy the bags and betting on the horsies. Or the White Sox.

So yeah, I don’t recycle at home. And it hurts my heart. Back when I used to get the paper everyday, I would save all the ones I read at home and bring them to my brother’s house to recycle. I do recycle at work, though. And I yell at the same guy every day that NO! Candy wrappers are NOT recyclable and you just tainted the whole bin!

So my steps for helping out the environment are to try to recycle more. And to ask you guys if you have any suggestions. Because, hello, me? I’m with Lazy. But are there recycling centers? (This is SO a stupid question, isn’t it?) Can I take all my stuff there? Do they charge a lot of money? Yes I realize Google will give me all these answers too.

AND! I’m going to take other small steps. I’m going to try and take the bus more to work. Even if they raise fares and are just raping us. And I thought I could start using cardboard tampons. Because I can imagine the plastic ones are NOT good. And the cafeteria uses a ton of Styrofoam at work, and I get a pop every day, but maybe she’ll let me bring my own cup. (Although, she’s kind of a Nazi and charges us for tomatoes on cheeseburgers. So that might be a losing battle. So maybe bringing my own can every day (that I’ll RECYCLE) will work out better.)

So there it is. Really, humans, it is very easy for every single one of us to make small changes that can help the environment. You don’t have to go tie yourself to a tree in the rain forest. But you can make small changes to help the Earth last a little longer. I challenge all of you to try and do one thing from now on that makes you a little more green. Kermit is full of shit. It IS easy being green.

You know, for the children.

Skyler says “Recycle, bitches. I want mah fresh air when I’m 30!”

And no. Al Gore paid me no money for this. But he’d be so proud that his invention, the interweb, is doing so much good for the environment. Which he thinks he probably invented as well.

Category: All Things Blogging | 12 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 12, 2007

To My Favorite Niece,

Today you turn two. And I wish you could stay this age forever. Because you are so much fun right now. And you still think your Auntie is hilarious and hot shit. Don’t forget that as you get older.

I wish I could put into words how much I love you. Or how much just seeing you makes my whole insides almost explode from the pure joy that it is just being your Auntie. It melts my heart every time I see you and you look at me and just smile. Because you and I? We have so much fun together.

You will always have a very special place in my heart. Because I have gotten to know you from the very beginning. Back when you weren’t even born and were just that thing that made mommy want Taco Bell every Monday night. Those were my favorite nights. I knew right then that you and I were going to be two of a kind. A crazy-dance-around-in-your-underwear kind, but still.

You love to be the center of attention. And making people laugh. You know we like a performance, and you’re always ready and willing to give it to us. Not unlike your Auntie, really.

I love teaching you new things to say. Things no two-year old should be without in their vocabulary. Every little girl should be able to say “that’s hot” or “awwwww, snap!” or “shake it like a salt shaker” or “winos.” Right?

So happy birthday to the funniest little girl on the planet. I hope you have the best second birthday ever!

Love,
Auntie

Category: All in the Family | 12 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 11, 2007

So Wednesday night I had dinner plans with Marianne. She comments here quite often. We have been exchanging emails/comments for a few months at least. She is very cute and witty and smart and for some odd reason finds me very funny and entertaining and thought we should meet. She is silly, that one.

(Actually, I may have made the first move, and said something about crossing?some invisible blogging line in the sand, and that maybe it would not be appropriate to meet. In real life. Or something.)

But crazy enough, she agreed. Yes! We should meet!

She just recently got back from Italy and suggested we meet up this week. Giving me enough notice because of my jam-packed social calendar. You know the one of watching my ass grow three sizes as I sit on my couch blogging and watching too much television. I almost literally drive right past her house on my way home. So let’s have dinner! Yes! Let’s!

So it was all set. And I was very excited about it. And then about 4 o’clock this afternoon, I got really nervous.?I am not funny in person. I talk with my mouth full. And I’m known to curse loudly, and often, and just say rather inappropriate things. This is going to end in disaster, most likely with me taking a nose-dive into the guacamole.

She was equally concerned. Because, oh the humanity! Guacamole must not get in the way! No avocados should be harmed! We exchanged the self-deprecating emails “oh, by the way, I’m a snooze fest to be around in person, so please, low expectations are a must. No expectations or negative expectations would be better. Then the surprise when I’m only semi-uninteresting will be pleasant.”

(I decided to not tell her about the full-mouth talking, the need to interrupt because what I say is IMPORTANT, or the tendency to say inappropriate, irrelevant things. “Oh, you have two cats? That’s cool. I have an ingrown pubic hair.”)

But it went really well. She is a really lovely person. (No, I haven’t turned into a 80-year old woman.) Blogger Marianne is just like real life Marianne (that is a good thing Marianne).?Cute and funny. And she handed me lot of compliments that made me blush and start talking into the collar of my denim jacket. And because I’m an asshole, I did not return any compliments. Because, again, me + public = AWKWARD. This is why I get nervous. I should not be allowed to make new friends. It’s why I keep the old ones around. They already know I’m a complete lunatic.

But she’s great! And I really had a great time! And am looking forward to the next meeting!

I don’t think I embarrassed myself too much. I am sure I talked with my mouth full. Because when I have something to say? It must be said RIGHT NOW! That is how IMPORTANT my thoughts and ramblings are. What? They didn’t have anything to do with what you were talking about? Who CARES? Me, I’m TALKING. Words. Coming out of my mouth. MINE.

At one point I think I “joked” how I’m such an idiot, that I’d probably freak her out by offering to babysit her unborn child or something. And then nervous laughter. And then I actually DID offer to babysit. Because complete strangers are always the best bet. And then I maybe just offered to come over and hold her baby for hours and smell its head. Because that is totally something you tell someone you just meet. Who is pregnant. And is probably trying to keep her unborn fetus and future child away from the crazies.

Proof positive and I should not be allowed to meet people. I should just keep my relationships right inside this little box. Is safe in here. And comes with a damn delete button.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging | 15 Comments »
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