Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on November 7, 2007

My friend Betsey, who I met out in California a few years ago and who I just recently attended the wedding of, and by recently I mean almost a year ago. Jesus, it’s been almost a year? Anyway, that wasn’t even a complete sentence.

So my friend Betsey, who I just?love to pieces and made my years in California some of the best,?just recently launched her own online shop of handmade goodness. It is called Buzz Loves. And it is really cute and awesome and you must all click. Now! Woot!

She makes her own cards and gifts BY HAND (that’s what handmade means, in case you are dumb) (but none of you are dumb, because I wouldn’t stupidly insult my 7 readers and NOT have them go over to Buzz Loves. Click link now!)

Anyway, it’s the holiday season and aren’t you always looking for the perfect gift for a friend/co-worker/family member/homeless person?

Well look no more! Head on over and buy things! Lots and lots of cute things! And bookmark it! Because she will be adding more cute stuff! As she makes them. BY HAND! Have I mentioned?

And if I’m really nice, she may even re-design my blog for me. Like something all my own. That no one else has. That is so me it screams wine, beer, burritos and football all at the same time! Because she’s awesome like that. Because she’s a Midwesterner. And beer buys pretty much anything.

So Buzz Loves! Tell your friends!

Category: NaBloPoMo | 10 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 6, 2007

Because it was such a hit the last time, I now give y’all part two of Bacon Says.?If only for my own amusement.

Just as a reminder, I will spin the wheel to give assvice from Bacon himself for all the crazies that come here from Google searches. For things NOT related to this site. Seriously, people, for the love of JC, stop Googling pink taco costume! No one wants to see that.

And without further ado, Bacon and all his wisdom.

Knee-high boots
Bacon isn’t sure as to what your concern with knee-high boots is. Or if it is that you have something against knee-high boots. They happen to be quite fashionable. Even if Bacon can’t himself wear them. Because he’s a guy. And, well, a slab of cooked, salty pork. To which Bacon says “Sizzle.” Because Bacon knows I look sizzlin’ in my knee-high boots.

Parts of a snark boat + pictures
Wait. They make a snark boat? Is it like a celebrity cruise? Where everyone is a smart ass? Because that? Would be seven kinds of awesome. What would Bacon do? “Hang out with hash browns.” Because Bacon hears they are snarkiest of the potatoes.

“Get dirty” “flat tire” bicycle
Well, yes, dumbass. You would get dirty if you changed a flat tire. On a bicycle or on a car. How would I know? Because I rule and I did it. On the way to an interview. And not on a measly bicycle. On one of those new-fangled quad-cycles they call automobiles. And what’s with the quotes? And why no quotes around bicycle? Were you really looking for some dirty flat tire porn? And really wanted THAT part of the result? Crazy freak. Bacon Says! “Shrivel” And he means your crazy, porn-obsessed penis.

National boob grabbing day
What? I missed it? What the fuck? That could be the best day ever! Next time I know this is happening, I’m planting myself in front of Brad Pitt’s house. And what Earthly advice does Bacon have, besides the fact he’s frying himself for not knowing about this glorious day? “Tempt a Vegan.” Because even vegans have boobies. Or so says the word on the street.

Awesome + totally real catfights
Where? In my living room? When Simba and Willow get into it? It is rather NOT awesome. They just flail around like a good old girly-girl slap fest. Because neither of them wants to make the first move. So they just dance around each other. Until I get into the mix and make it a REAL catfight. First one to bleed loses litter box privileges! Bacon Says “I hate those stupid cats. With that one always trying to spin me.” (Bacon just got pork-slapped for giving assvice not on the Wheel O’ Bacon. It won’t happen again.)

Flash ass drunk
Hmm. This one is a head scratcher. One, because I don’t usually flash people when I’m drunk. Second, if I’m going to flash something, it’s never going to be my dimple-covered ass. Because NO ONE needs to see that. What would Bacon do if he were flash ass drunk? “Put the ‘B’ in BLT.” Yeah, I’m sure you’d put your B in something when you’re drunk Bacon.

Schwerer Dora
I don’t even know. Unless my friend Schwerer has been holding out on me and is really Dora the Explorer. I mean, she does speak Spanish pretty well. And I’m not really sure what her job entails. And she’s always asking questions out loud and pausing for answers. And that one time this really hot guy, a fox if you will, showed up and took her salt shaker and she was going on and on about swiping and what not. Hmmmm. I’ll have to look out next time to see if she has a talking backpack. And whether or not she goes everywhere with a gay monkey with pink boots. Bacon says Schwerer Dora should “Boycott Tofu.” Because that’s obviously what you and that monkey have been “smoking” to make you so ridiculously annoying.

Simba pants
Look. My cat does NOT wear pants. Nor do I wear pants made of my cat. I’m not Mr. Burns. (See my vest, see my vest, made of realy gorrilla chest.) And I will kill any of you who are trying to make my stupid cat into pants. Unless you’re a little person or an infant. Because that’s about all the pant he could make. Bacon says “Liven Up A Salad.” No Bacon. Cat hair + lettuce is never a good equation. Nor do I think anyone wants a salad in their pants, Simba pants or not. Now, a party in my Simba pants? That would be a different question.

Fo sizzle.

Category: All Things Blogging, NaBloPoMo | 19 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 5, 2007

Or NaStoStuYoFaMo. Which is even harder to say than NaBloPoMo. And not nearly as fun. Actually, evertytime I sneeze this month, I make sure it comes out as?“NaBloPoMo!” Gesundheit.

So back in August (Jesus, has it been that long?) I started up Weight Watchers again. For the eleventeenth time. Because I have put on way too much weight and the only time I want to be carrying around the weight of a toddler is when I’m actually the parent of a toddler. Or babysitting. Or wearing one of those fake pregnancy bellies. Because I always wondered what that would be like. Because then you can take it off.

So I told myself I was getting back on track. I had a friend I was going to meetings with! And we were going to LOSE! THAT! WEIGHT! (a la Ty Pennington. Because I’m as big as a bus. And minus the drunk driving.)?Now, a few months later, I’m right back where I started. I lose and then I gain and it’s a big damn yo-yo. But I thought, since I’m being forced to disciplined enough to write every day for this NaBloPoMo, I figured it would be a good time to be disciplined about this weight loss program that is sucking money out of my checking account every month. (We all know that isn’t motivation. See: the gym.)

So in addition to writing every day, I am going to really try and watch what I eat. No more nachos and pretzels with cheese for a snack at 2 PM. No more Entire Pizzas Alone Sundays. No more Burrito The Size Of Your Head Tuesdays. And I’m going to try (try) to cut down on the Magnum Bottle Of Wine Wednesdays. I may just have to take it down to a bottle. Per day.

And, yes, I know that I’m starting this right before the holidays. But I’ve done if before during the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are one day each. It’s the grazing on toffee or?chocolate covered anything starting at 10 AM every day for the entire month of December that packs on the cellulite. It’s not the extra helping of mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. Plus, I plan to just drink myself through the holidays. Liquid weighs less. And tends to come right back up when you drink too much of it.

My goal, nay hope,?is that by getting back on track and really being strict about “The Program” in November,?and possibly losing the baby weight from the baby I don’t HAVE, will get me back in a good routine. The one I had for over three years. Back when I vowed like a silly little school girl that I would never put back on any of the weight I lost the first time around. Those people who gained weight back were such failures.

Now seating Failure, Party of One. And I’ll have the side salad. Dressing on the side.

And a bottle of Pinot. Let’s not get too crazy.

Category: NaBloPoMo, WW | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 4, 2007

I had this whole post idea to write about how tired I am and how I just. Can’t. Stop. Sleeping. And then all I could come up with was this hilarious title. And I laughed myself into such a fit I needed a nap.

The End.

Seriously, though, since I got back from the sales conference, I’ve spent more time asleep than awake. I know those weeks are exhausting, but really? I think I might have mono or narcolepsy. For the love of Pete, no one person needs that much sleep.

I think I might be coming down with something. Or maybe there’s a carbon monoxide leak in my house? And my detector is faulty? And maybe my cats aren’t really sleeping, but dead? They are a bit stiff. Someone get me a stick to poke them with. Stat!

So I wish I had more to write about. But I’ve seriously had the same clothes on since Friday night. My Dad Gone Mad T-shirt is going to grow legs and walk far far away from my stinky ass.

All the experts say that you can’t catch up on sleep. (No, I don’t know who the experts are. But this is what people tell me. The people I know who read.) And that you should sleep if your body needs it. Well my body is trying to catch up on years of missed sleep apparently. All those years of drinking and functioning on a few hours of sleep are all catching up to me NOW.

I had a 3-hour nap Friday afternoon. Then slept for 11 hours that night, and only got up because I HAD to. I had a bikini wax. (Which now that I’ve had two, I can say – not that bad. Please don’t shoot me Swishy.)

And you would think something like some person ripping out your pubic hairs would get you going for the day. Not so much. Because I came home, watched a little TV and took another nap. I woke up in time to watch ASU get their asses kicked, which hindsight tells me that the nap was better.

And then today, I got about 10 hours of sleep, got up and was going to do laundry and the like. And I started reading my book club book that I’m to have done by Wednesday, of which I’m on page 34, and I was out again. I woke up a few hours later only because my phone was ringing. I could have slept the entire day away in bed.

Instead I just got up and decided to sleep most of the day away on the couch. And I’m so exhausted right now, I’m heading to bed after I hit publish. Mostly because sleep deprivation = crap posts. And also, I should probably never have kids. At least without full-time nannies. Who will let me nap.

Category: NaBloPoMo | 10 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 3, 2007

In honor of the Sun Devils getting their asses handed to them on a platter tonight, I shall go forth and make myself feel better.

(Actually, I pretty much knew they were going to lose this game. I just hope this is the only one this season and they don’t roll over and die like other teams. I’m looking at you South Florida.)

Jenny over at Chased by Children gave me an award! It was like forever and a day ago, but still. An award is an award.

Apparently she thinks my blogging totally hits the mark. What that mark is? I’m not sure. But I think I have the market cornered on insane alcohol-induced stories. So whatever. I rule! I won an award! I shall mount it on my fake interweb mantle.

So in honor of Jenny honoring me, I will pay it forward. Because I not only hit the mark, I also am nice. Because my mom taught me to be. At least sometimes.

Here are some other bloggers that hit the mark. And that could mean that they don’t pee on the toilet seat. “Hits the mark” can apply to so many things.

Jennie at She Likes Purple. We are going to tear it up in San Francisco for BlogHer 08!

Sherry at Sage and Thyme. She has battled cancer and is an inspiration to us all.

L Sass at Sass Attack. Because she’s funny and I’m totally pulling for her to come to University of Chicago for grad school. Even though she’s a complete stranger and may not take well to the stalking.

So go check them out. And find new blogs you may not know about. That hit the mark. Or knock your pants off. Or make pee a little when you laugh at the funny. Because that is a good sign.

Category: All Things Blogging, NaBloPoMo | 6 Comments »
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