Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on November 12, 2007

I’m pretty sure this is going to more anti-climactic than if had I just wrote this back when I got fired. But I said I’d tell the story, and let’s face it, it needs to be told.

Plus, I have new readers who weren’t around in April and have no idea that I got fired for my blog. Yes. For my blog. So, since it is a long-ass story, here is part one of Why I’m Glad I Don’t Work In IT Consulting Anymore.

If you search through my archives (I know you do because I am teh awesome), you’ll notice that there are posts at the end of March and nothing until April 19. And not only are there no posts, people here that were reading back then can tell you that the site was blocked. Like you weren’t even able to see a thing. Because I was found.

If you go back to the last post of March?(there was actually another one that I later deleted that joked about being found. I think the title was “Surprise!?I Have A Blog!”) you’ll see the offending post. I?talked about it a little here.

So here is what happened. For most of the month of March, we had all this shit going on with the launching of the new name of the company. We were supposed to try and guess. And I seriously didn’t care. But the girl I worked with, she REALLY cared and in turn got me totally hyped up about it. In a meeting a few days before the launch, someone told us the new name was Slalom Consulting. (Yes, I’m putting the whole name in there.) That’s the name. Slalom Consulting. We were told it started with S and had two syllables. Slapdick Consulting would have been more fitting.

Anyway, I posted that post at the end of March, a few days before the launch, and thought nothing of it. Until that day, when?I got a comment from someone I didn’t know. Without a blog. And their IP address was in Washington. At Microsoft. Where we had a ton of consultants on site. And the comment was asking about whether I found the hidden clue under something or other.

I panicked. But probably not as much as I should have. At this point, I’m not sure I deleted the post yet. That night I wrote another post that was all “hey! I have a blog! Surprise! So do 17 million other people! No big deal.”

Or so?I thought.

So this was Friday. The night of the launch party in Seattle. The great unveiling. We actually found out the name before the party. So did pretty much everyone. And what did people do when they found out the name? They Googled it, of course. To make sure they were right. And to see the new website.

Well, it turns out that they decided NOT to launch the new website until after the launch party that night. They wanted something to unveil at the party. And they were so damn proud of their stupid name.

So what came up on Google when you searched “slalom consulting”? My blog. Yes. I was number one on the search results. I don’t even think I’m number one when you search Kristabella.

What happened was floods of people going to my blog. I’d imagine that most of them were like “what hilarious writing!” or “someone give this woman a book deal” or “who the hell is that chick?” Sadly, those aren’t the people that mattered.

Meanwhile, back in Chicago, this was when I freaked out. I deleted the posts. Possibly did some editing. And I tried SO, SO hard to get me off the number one result on Google. I thank all that is good and holy that no one in my office, the wide-open bullpen office, Googled the new name. Because I don’t know what I would have done if they were looking at it with me sitting right there. (Actually, I do know. They would have laughed. Because those people are all good people.)

It was near the end of the day Friday and I was glad I got out of there. I seriously didn’t think anything of it. I think, while at work that Friday, I went though and took out all the references to Tom Brokaw (one of the VPs) as a pompous ass. Because pompous asses usually get offended when you call them that. But other than that, I went on about my weekend. Getting excited about our party Saturday night at Wrigley Field.

That Friday night, I went over to a friend’s house to drink mass quantities of wine. I regaled stories of “whoops! Some consultant found my blog! Hee hee! I guessed their stupid name.” And then we helped Jenny make penis cookies for a bachelorette party. But mostly, we ate the broken penises and drank wine. And I? Mostly drank wine.

On my walk home about midnight, I checked my cell phone. I had about 10 texts from a co-worker. One of the VPs in Seattle was trying to get a hold of me. And then I listened to my voicemail. And my worst nightmare hit me smack dab in the face. They found the blog. And I was to call VP as soon as possible. Regardless of time.

Still, at this point, I didn’t freak out too bad. I’m sure it was because of the wine. So at a very inappropriate time to be calling someone from work, let alone with a bottle of wine in your belly, I called. And I sobered up immediately.

He told me they found it. And that people were printing things out. And highlighting things I had said. And passing them around the party in Seattle. I was the talk of the Seattle launch party. ME! And my silly blog. And the CEO? He was not pleased. One. Bit.

I immediately logged on and edited old posts. There wasn’t a lot to edit, but I took out the Pompous Ass posts. I tried to erase my utter dislike of Changepoint. It didn’t matter. It was too late. The damage was done. The posts were printed. And did you all know about Google cache? And that it doesn’t matter if that site doesn’t exist anymore. You can always get the cached version of it. Yeah, neither did I.

Even when you lock it. Which is what I did. And I had a ton of hits for the cached pages. That you shouldn’t have been able to see because the site was locked. And I was even the site of the day on WordPress.com. Yet, I was not celebrating.

I was up late on Friday night. I was editing and then locking and then freaking out. I was sending text messages, panicking. Asking everyone who was up at 1:30 AM if they thought I would get fired. Too bad they all fell asleep before they could answer that question. Which means, I didn’t sleep much that night. Because I figured my friends couldn’t even lie to me and I was SO going to get the boot.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s dramatic end to the story! Because I’m sure you haven’t figured out how it ends!

Category: All Things Blogging, NaBloPoMo, Worky Work | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 11, 2007

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. I changed my blog’s design again.

And no, it isn’t because Candy has the same one. Even though she’s going to think it is.

It’s because the old theme was really hard to navigate through. Like if you were in a post, there was no button to move you to the next post or previous post. You’d have to go back home.

Also, the sidebar widgets didn’t show up on individual pages. And I’m trying to get an honest representation on my stats. And when those widgets aren’t there, the info isn’t sent to the stat people’s site thingy. And I need more Google searches. For Bacon.

And no, I’m not going to pass this off as my post for today. Well, maybe not.

Category: All Things Blogging, NaBloPoMo | 9 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 10, 2007

I am not creative on Saturdays. Especially after I pub crawled myself into a drunken oblivion last night. Shots? Never a good idea. But never a good idea after 17 beers. Irish car bombs? Tasty, like chocolate milk, but will knock me on my ass every time.

So you get a meme. Because I was tagged. By Kaleigh. And I don’t back down from a tag. And I appreciate not having to think about something to write about. And it helps when my brain is only thinking about whether or not dropping an anvil on my head will make this headache go away.

Four First Names of Crushes I Had
1. Stephan
2. Christian
3. Bobby
4. Keal

Four Pieces of Clothing I Wish I Still Owned
1. Jelly shoes
2. Footie pajamas
3. My brown mules that I threw away in the summer because the heel was a little broken and figured I’d be able to find another pair of brown shoes that I like. I have yet to find a replacement suitable enough.
4. This pair of brown wide-wale corduroy pants. So comfy.

Four Professions I Secretly Want to Try
1. Teacher
2. Bus Driver
3. Usher at Wrigley Field
4. Bartender at Hooters

Four Musicians I’d Most Want to Go On a Date With
1. Adam Levine
2. John Mayer and his enormously large head
3. Dave Matthews
4. Britney Spears. Someone needs to talk some sense into her.

Four Foods I’d Rather Throw Than Eat
1. Lima Beans
2. Strawberries
3. Kale
4. Bologna

Four Things I Like to Sniff
1. Glue
2. Sharpies
3. Cocaine
4. Fabric Softener

Four People to Tag (Because they are all NaBloPoMo people. And there is a rampant case of Writer’s Block going around. Be sure not to catch it. And wash your hands.)
1. Aly
2. Marianne
3. Hotfessional
4. Hot Librarian

Category: Memes, NaBloPoMo | 10 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 9, 2007

The Friday 5 site is working this week. And thank the heavens above because I’ve got a bad case of the writer’s block and have nothing interesting to write about. I actually take that back, I have a few topics, but I need time to sit and write them. And late at night, before the DEADLINE, is not a good idea.

Anywho, on to this week’s Friday 5. If any of you have tried to go to this site, you’ll realize why you don’t see more people doing these posts. The questions are, five times out of five, 13 kinds of lame. But hey! Friday 5 people? Thanks for something!

1. What is something that is hanging from your ceiling? Are you guys with me on the stupid questions? Good. Do people hang things from ceilings? Besides ceiling fans? And lights? Well, let’s pretend that everything is upside down in my house. And my floor is really my ceiling. And therefore, a coffee table and area rug would be hanging from my ceiling. Because that answer is better than “cobwebs.”
2. What is something that is hanging from your wall? Again, besides cobwebs and dust? This is a good time to tell you how weird I am. (I’ll pause while you feign shock.) (And amazement at the fact that I used feign in a sentence.) I don’t hang anything on the walls above my bed. Because after years of living in California, land of earthquakes, I am convinced that if I hang something over my bed, it will come down in the one time we get an earthquake in Illinois and decapitate me. And I really feel that would be one of the worst ways to go. Unless it was a cartoon and my severed head was like still alive and talking to my flailing body. That would be kind of cool.
3. What is something that is hanging in your closest? A gay man.
4. What is hanging from your rear view mirror? Um, one, I’m not in high school, so nothing. And two, it’s 2007. Do people still hang things from their rear view mirrors? I’m going to have to go with cobwebs.
5. What have you been hanging onto for too long? Oooh. The Friday 5 people get all deep and shit. I’m going to have to go with that jar of BBQ sauce in the back of the fridge. And that last shred of decency. And the cobwebs. Of course, the cobwebs.

I wonder if this will get me banned from Friday 5?

Category: Friday 5, NaBloPoMo | 7 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 8, 2007

I have an older brother. His name is Mike. We are going to focus on him today. And how he can be so fucking annoying sometimes.

So growing up, I obviously looked up to mah big brother. I don’t remember it. This is what my mom tells me. What I remember is him with the hitting and the picking and the mind games. Oh, and he broke my leg too, sliding into my weak, calcium-deprived bones. He was trying to teach me to slide tackle in soccer. I was five.

Anyway, this is a good representation of our relationship. My whole life, he was the main male figure that was around. And he was my big brother. And he was smarter. And I wanted to be just like him. So when he wanted to show me how to do something, or tell me something, or anything, I was a very willing subject. (Not as willing as my younger sister. She had the two of us ganging up on her. Which is how we convinced her that sleeping overnight in a dresser drawer was a good idea. She never had a chance.)

Anyhootie, when I was a kid, he could easily get away with all this. I was young, impressionable?and totally naive and what do you mean if I get grounded I really get buried under the ground? I was the poster child for Gullible Kids?Of America. And what genius-like older brother would not jump all over this?

We became really close when he was a senior in high school. I was a freshman and we were in marching band together. So since he had to hang out with me more than he probably would have liked, it was best to try and act like adults. Don’t think for one minute that he didn’t still terrorize me when we were at home. Because he did. Like every damn day when he would get up to go to the kitchen to get more Kool-Aid, most likely leaving a millimeter of juice left so he didn’t have to make a new pitcher and I would invariably have to make it the next time I got up. And he would get up and bang his plastic cup on the top of my head. Not really hard, but he knew the exact right spot to get it so that it felt like he just split my skull open. The pain! Oh, the pain! I tell ya.

This happened every. Damn. Time. And he drank a lot of Kool-Aid.

But he was always my brother, the one I was always subconsciously competing with, the one I wanted to be as good/smart/successful as, if not better than.

I went away to school, far, far away, and I learned how to fend for myself. And I started molding myself into the lovely, drunken, opinionated, stubborn?girl that?I am today. And I became Independent. Hear me roar! And I started to realize that I was smart too. And awesome. And was going to be successful. I could be my own awesome person, in a completely different way than him. Roar!

My brother is an engineer. He is one of the smartest people I know. I think I’ve mentioned on here before how much I love him and his family and I can never repay him for letting me live in his basement for six months when I moved back from California. We are very close. He will walk me down the aisle if I ever get married. I want to marry a man just like him. Because he’s a great husband and a great father.

But my brother? The one that I love so much? He can be so fucking irritating! Because my brother? The engineer? Who just got his master’s? He thinks he knows everything. Everything! And he will argue with you until the death. Because he’s all about wearing his opponent down. And it is the most annoying habit in the entire world.

Now, I’m very similar. Similar in that I think I am right all the time because I am right all the time. I’m never wrong. And on the very off chance that I am? I’ll humbly admit it. Under my breath, amidst grumbling, with steam coming out of my ears, as I flail around on the floor in full-blown tantrum mode. But hey, at least I’ll admit it.

My brother? He doesn’t back down. And yes, you’re smart, but you? Do. Not. Know. Everything. You know a lot. I know. Lots of education. So in turn I find myself arguing with him about things that yeah, maybe he’s right about, but I can’t let him win. He is NOT allowed to prove me wrong. Even though I know he’s right. But you can’t let him know he’s right. (It does happen once in a blue moon. Because frankly I don’t know anything about cars or quadratic equations.) I will fight to the death with him, making him argue with me.?Even about things that every man, woman and child know to be true. No! The sky is not blue! No! L does not come after K! Or yes! Barry Manilow totally did sing Thriller!

Do you realize how insanely irritating this is? It makes me want to rip my damn hair out. Especially when I know I’m right. Which is always. I am never wrong. He? Is always wrong. He’s known me for 30 years. You’re a smart guy. Why have you not figured this out? What did all that education get you? Except how to engineer nail guns? And God help me when he tries to argue sports with me. Two words – losing battle.

But he’s my brother. So I let him win sometimes. Because I know I’ll always be funnier.

Category: NaBloPoMo | 13 Comments »
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