Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on December 2, 2007

I know! What’s up with this posting every day even though the word of the Lord or someone says you don’t have to unless you want to. And there are no prizes, so what the hell is wrong with me?

Well, we have a sales conference this week. And that usually means I have less time to write. Because I’m consuming my weight in red wine. And I weigh a lot. Let me tell you. This hotel has a mirrory type of photo arty thing hanging on the wall in front of the desk. And so if I’m not looking at the screen, I’m staring at my double chin. My double chin?that could eat a toddler. Seriously. Maybe I should cut back the wine a little bit this week. And eating enough fried foods to kill an obese village.

So yeah, sales conference. One I’m not looking forward to. This is a first. I always semi-look forward to them. I mean, I get to stay in a swanky hotel (even if I didn’t get the suite this time OR the free wine) (hotel girl is so going to hear about that one) and I get to drink on the company. Life is good, right?

Well, not so much. Because of all the stuff that went on last week, I’m just a little uneasy. I’d rather be home, in my bed, with my cats, going to the office this week. Or on a tropical island. I just have this sneaking suspicion that this week is going to suck. Now granted, this week is going to suck no matter what part of the company your function is in. It’s just the fun part of trying to move on from Black Friday.

But that doesn’t make me want to entertain these people any more. I think I’d rather spend the next few months curled up in my bed with my laptop, my cats and my remote. Because that equals safe to me. And things are changing. And I don’t like change. And I’m not completely convinced that these changes are going to be for the best. No one is. In fact, most of us have already figured that the people who got the boot now, and are getting out early, they are going to be the ones better off in the long term.

I hope we’re all wrong. Because we all know I’m wrong. Because whenever I say I’m not going to drink or have any fun during a conference, I usually end up in a drunken, teeth-stained heap in the corner of the lobby.

Cheers!

Category: All Things Blogging | 7 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 1, 2007

So apparently if you tell me I don’t have to actually post on the weekends, that is when I have inspiration come over me and have to post. Crazy how that works.

Scene: Casa KJ, around 2 AM Saturday morning. We see Kristabella sleeping in her bed, worn out from a stressful week, surrounded by her cats.

Kristin gets up to take a potty break because she had an entire pitcher of cherry Kool-Aid after she got home from work Friday night. Because nothing takes the edge off like Cherry Sugar Free Kool-Aid. Especially after being dehydrated from the lunch-hour beers.

As she lays her head back down on her pillow, with visions of sugar plums Sun Devil victories vats of red wine dancing in her head as she avoids the drool spot on her pillow, she thinks she hears a noise. It is the weekend and the neighbors below tend to stay up all hours. Because they smoke a lot of pot and have no real jobs.

Beeeeeeeeeeep.Reallyshrillbeepthatnohumanbeingcansleepthrough.

Kristin hears this beep. She knows this beep. It is the beep of a smoke detector with dying batteries. It is not a pleasant sound.

Beeeeeeeeeeep.Reallyshrillbeepthatnohumanbeingcansleepthrough.

Kristin thinks to herself “I really need to take that battery out. I’m not going to be able to sleep until I do. Unless I turn the fan on high. Maybe that will drown out the sound.”

She turns the fan on high. It rattles like the thing is going to go up into smoke from the stress and overworking of the motor. And she can’t have a fire when the smoke detector isn’t even working.

Throwing off her comforter, she sighs “fine! I’ll take the battery out.”

She put on her glasses stomps out of the bedroom. Because she lives on the top floor?and this is her childish way of sending a message to the pot heads?below.?She heads into the dining area with the kitchen table that is used as nothing more than a place to put shit, but has nice placemats.?She grabs the kitchen chair to use as a step stool. Because climbing on a chair is always a good thing to do when you’re half asleep. Because nothing is more fun than burning down to a charred pile of ashes in your apartment when the fire starts that you don’t know about because you fell off the chair and broke your neck when you took out the old battery in your smoke detector and couldn’t make it down the three flights of stairs because of the PAIN and your neighbors are too stoned to come and offer help. Because they probably started the fire.

Thankfully, she escapes injury free. She takes the detector off the wall and brings it down and takes out the battery. She puts it down on the coffee table and turns off the light and heads back to bed.

Beeeeeeeeeeep.Reallyshrillbeepthatnohumanbeingcansleepthrough.

“What the fuck?” she says. “How the fuck can it still be beeping when there is NO BATTERY?” She ponders this question as she stands in her living room, smoke alarm in one hand, 9-volt battery in another.

She waits.

Beeeeeeeeeeep.Reallyshrillbeepthatnohumanbeingcansleepthrough.

Kitty Kitty jumps three feet in the air. She can’t understand, either, why, whyyyyy, Kristin can’t stop the annoying beeping, for the love of God.

So Kristin holds down the test button on the smoke detector. “Maybe that will get all the beeps out of it,” she thinks. “Expel all that electricity that is left in there.” Apparently, this this is logical thinking at 2 o’clock in the morning.

Beeeeeeeeeeep.Reallyshrillbeepthatnohumanbeingcansleepthrough.

“Seriously?” she yells. And then she turns. The beeping isn’t coming through this cheap plastic thing she’s holding in her hand. It’s coming from across the room. She wonders what could be making this infernal racket. And she wonders when she turned age 80.

She looks at the litter box. “That can’t be making noise. Well, at least a beeping sound,” she ponders out loud to no one in general. And then she sees it. The outlet next to the litter box. Above the cats’ food. Plugged in, there is the carbon monoxide detector. The culprit has been found!

So she unplugs it from the wall, celebrating her ginormous victory on the inside, and heads back to bed. Because dying in fire is scary. But carbon monoxide poisoning? That’s just like falling asleep. So she lies down under her warm, down comforter and proceeds to fall back asleep.

Until she darts awake thinking “I’m really sleepy (even though it is the middle of the night) and I do feel a little sick to my stomach (even though all?she ate for dinner was cheese).?Aren’t these?symptoms of CO2 poisoning?” And she can’t fall asleep thinking that she may never wake up. There are so many things she wants to accomplish before she dies. Like drinking that expensive bottle of wine she’s saving for some momentous occasion that will never come.

So in all her infinite wisdom, you know the wisdom that made her think the the smoke alarm was working without a battery, she thinks that she should open a window and get some fresh air in the house.

And she falls back asleep and thinks to herself as she yawns and her eyelids become heavy “I have to remember to blog about this.”

/Fin.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging | 9 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 30, 2007

Today is the last day of November.

NaBloPoMo is over.

And that is all I have to say.

Category: All Things Blogging, NaBloPoMo | 14 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 30, 2007

First things first. If you haven’t heard, I am still gainfully employed. So that is good. And I can stop worrying. At least until the first of the year.

And I wanted to let all of you know because you’ve all been so sweet and wishing me well and crossing all your fingers and toes for me. And for reals? That can’t be comfortable.

My mom even sent me an email this afternoon and was all “you should probably let your audience know.” So then I got on a soapbox in the office (read: empty Staples box that didn’t yet contain the contents of someone’s desk) and started to tell everyone that I! WAS! SAFE! And I got?a lot of looks of death and realized my mom meant my blog audience. Because there were three people who were really concerned! I kid. It’s like 12.

So Black Friday was in full effect today. It was the most gut-wrenching, stomach-turning morning I have ever experienced. When I woke up, I was hungry. I haven’t really been hungry since.

My drive in wasn’t too bad, until I turned the final corner and knew that whatever happened today, it was going to suck for everyone, regardless of whether you kept your job or not. And I was absolutely right.

Around 9 AM, the three managers who are part of our department began calling people in one by one. At this point, I was so nervous and unsettled, I thought I was going to puke. And I do not like vomiting. I will myself not to get the stomach flu. And I try to not ever drink enough to make me blow chunks. I’ll drink enough to make it feel like a steamroller ran over my head in the middle of night. But to me? Twenty four hours of misery is so much better than tossing my cookies. One, because I like cookies. And two, well there is no two. I just hate puking. I will never understand bulimics.

I found out my job was safe. But because two of the people in my immediate department were not as lucky, my job will be changing. Everyone’s job will be changing. We’re significantly reducing the workforce. (Hey, ya think I’ve been reading press releases and news stories today?) So wearers of many hats and Jacks of All Trades, these are the people that will thrive in new corporate culture. It’s a good thing I am Jack of All Trades, Master of None. I made them put it on my business card.

All in all, the marketing department lost 5 today. And it was heartbreaking.

On top of this, our cracker jack IT staff have decided to beef up the firewall and block like every damn internet site except the company’s. And apparently Bloglines. But they’re blocking Mapquest. Because I’m sure people sat around just planning road trips, wondering what was the fastest route from Waterloo, Iowa to HELL?and wasting all that ink and toner printing those maps. Way to ruin it for everyone, map people! And don’t you know Google Maps is way better anyway?

So blogs aren’t blocked. Twitter is. Again. It used to be and then I think someone on the IT staff must tweet a lot because a week later, it was back. Yahoo! mail is still OK. And monster.com? Totally accessible. Because let’s totally encourage everyone to look for jobs while you’re PAYING THEM.

But what IS blocked is comments on Blogger blogs. Or any blog where you have to click to another page to comment. I didn’t seem to have a problem with any blogs where the comment form is right there in the post. Why the comments pose more of a threat? Who the hell knows. So, if you see a decrease in comments from me, don’t worry. I’m still reading. And seriously? Does anyone know how to get around firewalls and companies who are all about blocking all the fun? Because you know, we’re not salty enough or anything these days. Take away the ONE thing that helped us get out of bed each day to come into work. Geesh.

So yeah. That was my day. It was mentally and emotionally draining. And odds are there are more of these days around the corner. They aren’t done with the cuts. But I’m safe for now. And I will just keep doing what I have been doing since I started. You know, just being my 17,000 kinds of awesome.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, NaBloPoMo, Worky Work | 11 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 29, 2007

This post is going to be all over the place.?I do have a point. Don’t you worry your pretty little heads. But there are a few things I need to say. And something tells me I just need to say them now. Probably because we went out to a bar after work. And they have $3 Jack & Cokes on Thursdays. And I think I fell in love with this new bar.

FIRST THING! People are already getting the boot at work. The axe is falling tomorrow people. Wish me luck. I’m feeling good about it. But we all know I’m an idiot.

SECOND THING! (What the fuck is up with the ALL CAPS and the excessive use of exclamation points, you ask? I don’t know. But I actually use a lot of exclamation points! Like! All the time! Ask anyone who emails with me!) Blogger can kiss my ass. I knew there was a reason that?I didn’t sign up for your craptastic free blogging service when I started. Now, unless you have a Blogger account, there is no linky love. So if I leave my Blogger account link, people have to click on that to get to my profile and then click to my blog. And let’s face it, people are lazy. And I’m not that funny. Not funny enough for a second click. And I’m a whore for blog traffic.

THIRD THING! But see, I still love all my people on Blogger. So much so that I indeed signed up for a Blogger account. Hoping that I’m the only person this lazy. Because otherwise, you all have a sink full of dishes that go back to last Wednesday as well. And really? That’s gross. And I hope you’re not all as gross as me.

FOURTH THING! I can never remember if forty is spelled with a U or not. Why isn’t it?

FIFTH THING! If you’re not reading The Hotfessional’s site, you are all going to be flogged. Or something. Is that even a word? Fine, you’ll all be forced to drink warm beer! *GASP* The horror! (Actually, I’m sure my mom just fainted.) And if you read her for nothing else, read her for this. She randomly picked one of my 201 things and wrote about it. And it’s totally fiction. And awesome!

So the point of my post tonight before the THINGS was going to be about Bacon. Because, in all my turmoil that is my life, I have neglected to look to him and his advice. I mean, he is knower of all things.

Tonight, I will pose a few questions to Bacon. Because fuck hearsay and speculation, Bacon KNOWS. So I am just stupid and unwise in not asking him in the first place. I could have saved myself a lot of sleepless nights. I know. I shall flog myself later, Bacon, for not consulting you earlier.

Question 1: Why does Kitty Kitty insist on eating paper? And important papers at that? What should I do?

Answer: Bacon says “Taste Really Good.” Because apparently humans are the stupid ones missing out on the great taste, less filling?of paper.

Question 2: If I lose my job tomorrow, what should I do?

Answer: Bacon says I’m not going to like this answer. He says “Shrivel.” Because, well,?I’m old, unmarried with no kids and my biological clock is ticking. And on top of it, I’m going to be unemployed. No one will ever marry me. Cut your losses now and just get more cats.

Question 3: My life guide gives crappy advice, how should I dispose of him?

Answer: Bacon says that I am an ungrateful bitch. And this is why I’m still single. And he also says “Boycott Tofu” because people who eat that shit are more pathetic than crazy, dried up spinsters with cats like myself.

(Apologies to anyone who actually enjoys tofu. Bacon is a little salty tonight. Well, he’s salty every night. It’s the blessing and the curse of being a salty, cured?meat.)

Question 4: These dirty dishes are really getting out of hand. But I just can’t bring myself to clean them. Because I’m so distraught with the job thing. And it has nothing to do with the laziness. Should I hire someone?

Answer: Bacon says “Put the ‘B’ in BLT.” Which means “shut your fucking trap Bitch (which starts with B) and just do the damn dishes like every other adult in the God damned world. And I swear to God and all that is holy, stop asking me these damn ridiculous questions. I should be consulted for important things. Why couldn’t I have been sent to someone in the U.S. government?”

Well, I think Bacon is done for tonight. After I take him out back to flog him. Publicly. Because who wouldn’t want to see a good flogging of meat?

Wow. I’m so going to have some nasty porn searches now. And Bacon will not be pleased. Because he’s the one who has to answer that shit.

Anyway. But now I open it up to all of you. I want YOU! Yes, YOU! To submit your questions to Bacon. And he will compile them all and answer them. And I promise, he’ll pick the day he’s not wearing his cranky pants. Ungrateful Bacon. I give him a nice home and let him roam free while I’m at work. Hrmpff.

So leave your questions in the comments. Or email me. And sometime next week, he will answer all your general wonderings.

I mean, isn’t there something you have just been sitting there wondering What Would Bacon Do?

Well wonder no more.

Category: All Things Blogging, Bacon | 16 Comments »
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