Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on December 12, 2007

I actually have something I want to write about. I just don’t think I should. Because I don’t know how people will react. And it’s the season of giving and I don’t think that means giving people reasons to hate me.

So I’m going to do a Christmas meme. Because Marianne tagged me like weeks ago. But I just realized it now because of my lapse in blog reading and my lack of an attention span.

And away we have it!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags ?

Well, with negative dollars in my account, I don’t think it matters what I wrap the AIR I’m getting for everyone in. Sorry to ruin the surprise for any of you expecting gifts. You’re getting air. And if you’ve been really good? The only other thing I’ll be giving out is hugs.

2. Real tree or artificial?

Well, if I wasn’t lazy and had time, I’d get a real tree. Oh wait, if I wasn’t lazy and had time, I might actually have a tree. But my imaginary tree is real and has a nice pine scent. Because I put a bowl of Pine Sol underneath it.

3. When do you put up the tree??

Man, lugging those imaginary boxes down from the imaginary attic in my apartment took a LOT of work. So I would have liked to put it up after Thanksgiving, but I didn’t get the chance until last weekend. It’s a good thing, though, because this way my imaginary tree won’t get all dried out and burn my apartment down when my imaginary house elf Greta gets into the imaginary matches one afternoon while I’m at work.

4. When do you take the tree down?

The good thing about imaginary trees is that you can leave them up as long as you’d like! I usually aim to take it down in May. Because once it gets warmer the tree tends to block the air flow through the open windows. Plus, the cats start to bat the imaginary ornaments around and nothing sucks more than waking up at 3 AM to the sound of imaginary ornaments breaking.

5. Do you like eggnog?

People should not drink eggs. Eggs are to be eaten. With Bacon, preferably. But if it has enough booze in it, I’ll drink it.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?

Underwear

7. Do you have a nativity scene?

I did, but Simba ate one of the wise men and Kitty Kitty pooped out baby Jesus. So we had to put it in one of the imaginary boxes that the imaginary tree decorations go in. Right next to the idiot who came up with this question.

8. Hardest person to buy for?

No one. That’s the good thing about giving air or hugs. They hit the mark 100% of the time.

9. Easiest person to buy for?

Myself. I appreciate it the most. Unlike that imaginary house elf. She’s an ungrateful piece of shit. She better watch herself of she’ll be suffocating here soon.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

I can’t say. Because Simba is reading over my shoulder and seriously, those socks he gave me?last year were hideous.

11. Mail or email Christmas cards?

Well, seeing as the majority of today was spent typing?out the labels for the 150 Christmas cards I’m sending this year, I don’t think I need to answer that.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?

That one with a burning log in a fireplace. It’s gripping. Be sure to catch it this holiday season.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?

January. That’s when the air is at its most fresh.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

Once I finished the bottle.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?

Fermented grapes in liquid form.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree?

Clear lights tend to get lost in the background when the tree is imaginary.

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home?

I have to travel to my mom’s. Which means I have to shower and get dressed to drink wine. The world is full of small sacrifices.

18. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s?

Is one of them Bacon? Or is his name Venison?

19. Angel on the tree top or a star?

The top of my tree has pointy branches and needles that are painful.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?

Both. Air is the gift that keeps on giving. Otherwise, you die. And I’m so generous with the hugs. I’ll even give them out on non-holidays.

21. What’s the most annoying thing this time of the year?

Besides memes? Oh wait, those are annoying all times of year.

22. What I love most about Christmas?

The wine I spill on myself goes unnoticed on my red Christmas pajamas sweater.

Category: Memes | 14 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on December 11, 2007

It is the moment you have all been waiting for. Well, maybe just the eight or so people who submitted questions. Although, you submitted them like back in November, so those people probably don’t care either.

So without further ado, Bacon is here to answer all your questions. With all his infinite wisdom. And by infinite, I mean the 12 options available that the spinning piece of Bacon can land on.

Question from Katie: Dear and Holy Bacon, will I ever put together a scrapbook, or will all of those ticket stubs and pictures and brochures rot in a shoebox for the rest of time?

Answer: Bacon thinks you should “Tempt a Vegan.” Maybe with some uncooked vegetables. Because anyone crazy enough to be a Vegan would probably also be willing to do your scrapbooking for you. Until they pass out because one cannot live without meat. And because air and celery have no nutritional value.

Question from Momma K: Why do solicitor’s come into my office to sell me crappy crap when there is a sign that says ‘no soliciting’?

Answer: Bacon says that you should “Spit Hot Grease” because people are stupid. And nothing like a good, old burn blister will teach them to stay the fuck away.

Question from Rich: Will those Seahawks make the NFC Championship Game?

Answer: Bacon wants you to think about maybe having some interests outside of your job. He also thinks the answer is to “Hang Out With Hashbrowns.” Hashbrowns are also sometimes known as the Chicago Bears. Since neither of you will be playing in the NFC Championship Game this season.

Question from Amber: Why do some people like to sit and “sunbathe” around the pool at the gym? (That is an indoor pool, by the way, with no sun, and not even a particularly hot air temperature.) WHY?

Answer: Bacon again wants to point out that people are fucking idiots. And sometimes, even the wisdom of Bacon cannot explain the insanity that is the human race. It’s why Bacon is so glad he is a piece of meat. But Amber, have no fear, Bacon says to “Put the ‘B’ in BLT,” which is what these fucktards are. They are BLTs. Where the B stands for Batshit. Because we all know that BLT stands for Batshit Loony Tossers. (Bacon studied a semester in London and is comfortable using English slang.)

Question from Mahnee (aka my mom): Bacon, a compact with powdered blush fell on the carpeting at home & broke into a million pieces.?As I tried to PICK UP the pieces of blush, they ground INTO the carpet. How do I get the blush out of the carpet before Kristabella’s Gram sees it??Right now, I’m covering it with throw rugs so I need a new option.

Answer: Bacon had an answer. But he couldn’t use it. Because he would be going to hell. And Bacon plus heat does not a good thing make. So Bacon spun again and came up with “Smoke” because that’s all the advice he can give Mahnee because Bacon knows when Grandma finds out, she?is so going to kick Mahnee’s ass. Enjoy those last few cancer sticks, Mom.

Question from Hotfessional: Is there any way to guarantee a Pitt victory over WVU on Saturday so I don’t have to listen to people hail the Mountainqueers?

Answer: Bacon apologizes for Kristabella and that she is a lazy cow and this question is weeks old. And that WVU did indeed lose to Pitt. But Bacon would like to say that although Hotfessional was pleased, he would really like West Virginia to “Shrivel” since their losing fucked up the BCS and cost Arizona State a good bowl game.

Question from Julie: Mr. Bacon, Wilbur Wildcat is coming over tomorrow (it’s my turn to host), and I really, really can’t stand him. Do I have to let him visit? What should I do? Regards, Sparky.

Answer: Again, an outdated question that had no meaning because Kristabella should seriously get off the couch some times and DO something, but Bacon will impart wisdom nonetheless. Bacon says to “Sizzle” because we all know that Sparky is hot shit and a much bigger person than stupid Wilbur Wildcat. Plus Bacon says that you should just show Wilbur the box scores from the last 10 years or so. And also, Bacon says that Wilbur should shut his fucking furry pie hole since?he’s?never been to the Rose Bowl.

Question from Jenn:?Dumb people tend to multiply at younger ages and make many, many babies. Will the stupid, dumb people eventually outnumber the smart, responsible people?

Answer: First off, Bacon thinks stupid people already do outnumber the smart people. And this is a sad state of affairs. Bacon would also like to tell you to “Boycott Tofu” because then all the stupid people will eat all the tofu in the world and then die early because who the fuck eats that shit? Meat is where it’s at, people. You can’t beat meat.

Question from Jules:?Bacon, why are you so delicious?

Answer: Because we all know?I am a superior meat, Bacon says. And also because the Wheel of Bacon landed on “Taste Really Good.” Because the Wheel doesn’t lie.

This is the Word of Bacon.

Thanks be to Pork.

Category: All Things Blogging, Bacon | 12 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on December 10, 2007

Hey. What’s up Internets? I ask as if I haven’t disappeared off the blogosphere in the last week.

OK, don’t send out the lynch mob. (Don’t you just love how I am so delusional that I think people have missed me? Have you missed me? Because I’ve missed you. And really, the path of least resistance is to just say you’ve missed me. The incorrect answer would be “who are you again?”)

Anyway, I have no good excuse. I had all intentions of writing at least one post this weekend and getting back in the swing of things between my many important things to do naps. But then. Then! I got hit with a really bad case of The Lazies. You know, like not my normal-day Lazies. These were catastrophic.

Well, that and I took Benadryl on Sunday night to help me sleep and ended up passing out watching the ABC Family movie with Slater and Sabrina the Teenage Witch and you know what? The nice throw pillows on the couch don’t absorb the drool so well.

Ahem.

So, in true Kristabella fashion, I give you what has been happening with me in the last couple of days or so. In bullet form, of course.

• I logged on to my Bloglines today and had 468 new posts. Let’s just say I marked them all read, and I’m starting from scratch. If any of you have some big news, please share.
• Well, I browsed most of them. I just didn’t read. Or comment. Because with The Lazies comes The Attention-Span-of-a-Gnat-ies.
• Oh, and speaking of blogs, you’re all blocked at work. Except WordPress blogs. So way to come to the good side, Hotfessional.
• This will probably change in the next few days since they’ll see ACTIVITY from me.
• Oh, and Bloglines is blocked at work too. I swear to all that is good and holy they are trying to make me actually do work. Look, work people, I do enough work, work?of many people, more work than a few people I’ll care to tell you about if you’d like to know, so when I need a break, can’t I just read some blogs?
• I signed up for Google Reader. That still works. So woo. Hoo.
• This all happened today.?So you can see how exciting my weekend was.
• On Saturday, I got my hair did. Nothing different. Just got it darkened up. It’s not even shocking anymore.
• I also went over to see my friend Ang and her family. She had a baby in October and of course looks like she never had a baby, let alone two. Her new daughter is the cutest.
• I also gave Ang the rundown on blogs. And introduced her to a whole new world. It was like introducing a vegan to the wonder that is Bacon.
• She says she’s going to start reading now. So hi Ang! If you’re really reading! Although it is past 10 PM, so you’ve been in bed for a few hours.
• No, she’s really the same age as me.
• We got hit with some ice storm on Saturday night. It made all the sidewalks and parking lots like big, old skating rinks. Fun! Especially when you’re the asshat who decides that the day after an ice storm is the day to go grocery shopping. Oh, and at night. So it’s dark. And in the dark? Ice and not ice? They look the same.
• That was going to be my post last night. About the stupid girl carrying 17 grocery bags, two 12-packs of sody pop and 27 pounds of cat litter, shuffling her way on the icy sidewalks because GOD FORBID she get her lazy, out of shape ass to make more than one trip.
• Well, until I was walking up the sidewalk ramp, you know the ones at the corners for people in wheelchairs? And I took three steps up, and then slid back down. It was like some unseen person was standing behind me and?playing a cruel joke on me.?There he was, waiting for me to get three steps up and then a tug on my coat and I was brought back down again.
• A normal person would have gone around, instead of trying over and over.
• I didn’t think it was funny with all those groceries.
• But the chick walking her dog got quite a chuckle.
• I think it is karma since I play that game with my niece all the time. She likes it the first 10 times. But after time 37, she really just want to run away from Auntie. And for the love of God woman! Stop pulling me back!
• I’m the worst Secret Blogger Santa ever. I have no creativity and I also have The Lazies. So while Hotfessional gets earrings (seriously, they said free gifts the first two rounds), I gave an ecard. Am all kinds of awesome.
• I got a cute little letter from my Secret Santa. Which was very nice and I appreciated it. Because she said she liked my blog. Which means she’s been reading since she knows this girl loves for people to blow sunshine up her ass.
• I went to the gym today. (I’ll pause while you all gasp and chuckle.) My plan is to go at least 4 nights this week. I’ve decided I’m fat enough and I have to get back to being healthy.
• It was hot in the gym. And I forgot my iPod. But I still managed a 40-minute workout.
• Even though I got winded just changing into my workout clothes.
• The chick on the treadmill next to me was staring at me. I came to no other conclusion than she reads my blog and was giddy to be in the presence of greatness. Or asshattedness. Same thing.
• And then I went back to locker room and saw a booger the size of Belize on my nose.
• No, not really.
• But entirely possible.
• Remember the last time I went to the gym? Turns out I’m not the only one who was confused. This is The Sign for Idiots, if I’ve ever seen one.

• But hey, at least they are marking the doors so I’m not looking at shoes to see if they are men’s or women’s.
• And my camera phone takes pretty good photos.
• That is all.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging | 15 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on December 5, 2007

You know what sucks about NaBloPoMo? Besides the fact that people write crap like “this is a post. Kthxbai” and pass it off as writing because must. Write. Everyday. Prizes. Because then people get used to reading your drivel everyday. And then there is expectations. And “Oh Hai” isn’t good enough anymore. They want quality shit. Because you don’t have to post every day, but also? You must.

Or probably, that’s just me.

But my brain is fried. I have nothing. I can’t even think of anything remotely interesting to write about. And my fail safe this week was to answer the questions for Bacon, yet I left Bacon at home. And he doesn’t really like it when I make shit up for him. So if you have any more questions, feel free to leave them. You know, questions like “Why did ASU get hosed by the bowl selection committee?” Although, even Bacon can’t figure out why it happened. He’s convinced they are all vegetarians. And pig haters.

So yeah, that’s all I have. The conference is going well. This is a really good group and I’ve had a good time with them so far. And yes, you can all rest easy and not fear the sky will be falling or pigs will be flying any time soon because I was out drinking until after 1 AM on Monday night. So everything is right with the world.

The one thing I love about this group is that they are a bit older and more responsible and are actually here to LEARN at the training and not just party. And I remembered that I’m 30 and I DO get along better with people my own damn age. So it is nice. Because we all have that switch in our brain that knows that drinking past last call is never a good idea. And we’ve all been fairly alert for the sessions. And wow! What a difference! Am such an adult.

Although. I am really mad about something. And I cannot talk about it here.?I can’t say anything. Something happened today that I want to tell someone about because it pisses me off. But I wasn’t there. I can’t be sure. On top of this, I have to work very closely with this person on all the trainings here on out. And we already have a rocky relationship because this person can treat me like dirt and I don’t much appreciate that. So I need to keep the peace. And believe me, since I’m not one to hold my tongue EVER, this is going to be tough. Especially because I’m a child and the next time this person pisses me off you know I’ll want to be all “Well at least?I didn’t?(insert bad thing here!) DURING training!”

I’m not proud. Just the way I’m wired.

Category: All Things Blogging, Worky Work | 14 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on December 4, 2007

Today is my mom’s birthday. And since I’m the world’s laziest daughter and just mailed her card yesterday (I’m better than your sister, at least), I’ve decided to tell you all a little about my Mom.

My mom is amazing. She’s been through a lot in her life. She was married to an alcoholic who put her into financial ruin and left her with three kids to raise all by herself. And she did it. And I think my brother and sister would agree with me that we turned out awesomely.

More importantly, we didn’t know how bad it was. We always had food on the table. And we always had a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. While we were all selfish kids, wanting all the latest styles and to keep up with the Joneses, my mom busted her ass to give us the best life that she knew how. She sacrificed everything for her children. And she doesn’t hear thank you enough from any of us. So I’m here to tell the whole world THANK YOU on behalf of the three of us.

My mom is my best friend. I can tell her anything. And I always have been able to. And she always, always supports me. No matter what happens. Whether it is wanting to be the first female quarterback for Notre Dame or encouraging me to chase my dreams at Arizona State, even though she knew it meant her favorite child was moving 3,000 miles away.

She never told me I couldn’t do anything. I credit her with my knowledge that I can do anything I set my mind to. Because I can. And I will. And she’ll be there every step of the way to support me. Because that’s how my mom dos it.

She has put up with me through some awful stages in my life. My moody teen years where I would cry or yell, or both, at the drop of a hat. Or when I started to get close again with my dad in high school and shut her out. Just to have him screw me over again, like always. But she was there to pick me up when I was kicked to the curb by my father yet again in my life. And she was never there to tell me “I told you so.” Or rub it in. She just supported me in my accomplishments as well as my mistakes.

I do not know what I would be like without a mom like mine. One I can laugh at when she falls. The one I can make fun of to her face and call her turkey dry, and her love never wavers. She loves me for who I was, who I am and who I will become.

And I am this awesome because of her.

So happy birthday?Mom! I love you more than words can express.

Category: All in the Family | 22 Comments »
Tags: