Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on May 6, 2008

First off, I have to tell all of you that there was like a thousand people at Jen Lancaster’s book signing tonight. Including someone I work with. Who it took me about 15 minutes before I blurted out “I’m in Chapter 15!”

Apparently I’m like a predictor of trends because last year I thought it would be PACKED at Jen’s signing so I got there way early. Only to not have the chairs even set up. This year we get there BEFORE 6:30 (which is more than an hour before she even arrived in the building) and there were only a few seats left! It was standing room only and people were lined up throughout the stacks of books. It was insane. In the membrane.

Second, I need to tell you that being in a room full of that many Jen Lancaster fans and having the author point to you and yell “I totally know her!” will never, ever in one million years get old.

It also makes it a lot easier to take up tons of time talking to her while getting five books signed while the masses wait patiently for their turn.

I also turned my friend Lori into a huge Jen Lancaster fan and she can’t wait to read all the books.

Jen was thrown off by the crowd of 10,000 but was just as awesome as always and takes a real, genuine interest in her fans. And she looked so pretty in her new dress. And she totally said OUT LOUD in front of STRANGERS that she totally knows me.

Enough about me and my total awesomeness. On to the winners of the contest!

First, I typed up all the names and put them in a bowl. Like so.

And then Bacon took a gander. And got prepared to pick out the winners.

And the winners are…

Lara and Slynnro! Congratulations! And it was not rigged and Slynnro did not win because she actually has to share a room with me for three whole nights in San Francisco at BlogHer. But when I stumble into the room drunk, I’ll be sure to remind her “remember when I won you that book?”

Email me at fullofsnark (at) gmail (dot) com with your addresses so I can mail the books out to you.

Thanks to everyone who entered. I can’t do any more contests because I want everyone to win, especially since I’m so the girl who never wins ANYTHING. And then I asked to you say nice things about me and over 50 of you still didn’t win.

So you are all wonderfully beautiful people. And your ass looks fantastic in those pants.

Category: All Things Blogging, Bacon, Contests | 28 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on May 5, 2008

Do you all have one of those friends that it doesn’t matter what you do, you’ll always have a good time? Friends that could make paint drying a fun activity?

I do. Her name is Lori and she’s coming to Chicago tomorrow! And I couldn’t be more ecstatic! We both used to live in the Bay Area together and have since moved away, her back to Arizona, me to Chicago, and if I had known this fact when I lived in the same area as her, I would have hung out with her every single weekend.

Because now that we’re thousands of miles away, we don’t see each other nearly enough. And that makes me sad because she is one of my very best friends in the whole entire world. And no, I’m not sure when I turned back into a third grader.

She came to town last May and we had a blast. And boy, did I need it. I was still unemployed because stupid-ass Slalom Consulting (I use their name frequently to try and keep me on the front page of Google search results) had given me the boot and I hadn’t yet started at my current job. So I had a lot of free time. And we spent a lot of that time drinking. It was Drunk-A-Palooza!

It doesn’t matter what we do, whether we plan to just go for dinner and end up drinking fantabulous martinis at 3 AM, or if we spend the day napping and watching Rob & Big on MTV because we’re so hung over we can’t move. We ALWAYS have a good time.

So I’m prepared for an awesome mid-week trip with her coming to town. And plenty of alcohol. And lots and lots of laughing.

Look at us! We’re ghosts!

:::

Tomorrow Bacon will pick the winner’s of Jen Lancaster’s book, Such A Pretty Fat! Good luck to all that entered!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Gotta Have Friends | 25 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on May 4, 2008

This is where I should wax poetically about how my weekend was absolutely fan-flippin-tastic and make sure I regale you with stories about my fabulous life complete with drunken tales and inherent falling.

But instead, I can tell you that I slept for more than half the weekend. Literally. Friday night I notched in 14 hours of sleep, Saturday night I added 10 and Sunday afternoon I took a few naps. Whatever is wrong with me, I really need to get it fixed A-SAP. Good thing I’m heading to the doctor on Thursday to get this all a-figured out.

I did cram in some things in the few short hours I was awake. Those things do NOT involve any kind of washing of dishes or cleaning of any kind. I only did my laundry because I had no clean pants and I may have already worn all 5 pairs of my work pants twice since the last washing. And even sloth has its limits.

I am almost finished with Jen’s new book, Such A Pretty Fat. And yes, I already looked ahead for my name (Chapter 15!) and am actually past it (Chapter 15!) and have read it in context now. It does not disappoint and I’d read a cereal box if she wrote it. Because I love me some cereal.

My friend Schwerer dragged me out of my sleepy stupor to go see a movie and have dinner Saturday night. We saw Baby Mama. It was awesome. I love Tina Fey so much I would have her baby just so she could realize we’re meant to be BFFs and also maybe to lick her face. Just a little.

Since Friday evening, I have consisted on nothing but comfort food, aka artery-clogging, creamy, greasy goodness. It all started when I started having weird cravings at work on Friday. (No. Not pregnant. No, there isn’t even a slightest chance. Yes, I’m sure. I do not have the gestational period of an elephant, as much as my ass resembles said beast.)

Any-hootie, I was craving pot pie. It was a rainy day and I was sleepy. (Hey! Have I mentioned how sleepy I’ve been lately? Because I wouldn’t want to forget to tell all of you that I’ve totally been EXHAUSTED lately. Because I have.) So I decided that since I had no plans because I’m a sleepy spinster with two cats and seven arms and no teeth, that I’d stop at the grocery store on my way home, grab some comforting comfort food and catch up on my TiVo. Could there be a better evening spent on planet Earth? No. There isn’t.

As I started dreaming and drooling about the pot pie I would be eating in a few hours (who actually CRAVES pot pie, really?) (Don’t say pregnant women), I started thinking about other delicious comfort food that I had to have. Right. Then.

The final grocery store trip left me with a pot pie, Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Mac and chicken nuggets. Because I already had ice cream in the freezer at home.

I ate way too much and was happier than fat girl in a cupcake store. It was a good night.

I added some vegetables at dinner on Saturday night, but topped off my weekend on Sunday with leftover Hamburger Helper, more chicken nuggets, French toast and tater tots.

Please remind me of this when I bitch tomorrow because my pants don’t fit.

:::

Don’t forget, Monday is the last day to enter the book giveaway contest! Don’t forget to leave a comment on that post to enter, if you haven’t already. Chapter 15, bitches!

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me | 25 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on May 1, 2008

So I’m tired of listening to Bacon go on and on and on about how he wants to tell HIS story about HIS trip to Vegas. And I’m all “look, FOLDER, I showed photos of you already and took you on a plane to a different state, what more do you want?”

Apparently he wants to tell all his loyal readers HIMSELF about the time he had in Vegas. And don’t listen to him going on and on about how I’m a horrible selfish wench who didn’t let him go to a strip club, nay GentleBacon’s Club. (Can’t wait for the Google searches with that one.)

First off, Bacon spent most of his time here. Inside this bag. Under a cramped airline seat. (Note: Photo recreated tonight because Kristabella is too lazy to take a photo a folder in flight. In a bag. When there is alcohol to be drunk on vacation.)

Also Kristabella wanted to use this is a way to tell all of you that yes, indeed, that is a copy of Jen Lancaster’s new book that she just picked up this evening from the author herself. But she wanted to have Bacon tell all of you because he’s far more eloquent and she basically would have been all CAPS and SHOUTY and SQUEEEEEE!

Anyway, back to me, Bacon. And my trip inside a bag and subsequently on a hotel side table for two whole days.

So this is where Bacon normally spends all his time. Strewn about on a coffee table with unused napkins from the local Taqueria, remotes and notes for DINAO because let me tell you, Kristabella is a bit of a freak when it comes to those posts and she has to have those photos ALL BE EQUAL HEIGHT.

So you can see why Bacon was excited to get out of the house. And maybe see the sun! And if he was lucky, a booby or two. And did Bacon mention, NO FUCKING CATS FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS?

So Kristabella and her friend’s days consisted of buffets and sunshine, the pool at Mandalay Bay and buckets of Bud Lights.

Well, minus the kangaroo. Otherwise you would have seen this Bacon SIZZLE from jealousy. Because Bacon would like to have hung out with the kangaroo, since kangaroo and Hash Browns are tight, and you know how Bacon likes to “Hang Out With Hash Browns”.

Instead, Bacon just had to hang out in the hotel room, wishing he was out there enjoying Vegas and all the fun and sun and slushy drinks and half naked women.

So Bacon was stuck in that comfortably air-conditioned hotel room all weekend, getting awkward stares from the hotel’s housekeeping staff because WHAT? Haven’t you see Bacon drink beer before?

And Kristabella and all her friends were busy doing this.

And this.

And Bacon just wanted a little of this.

Bacon is hoping that his trip with Kristabella at the end of May to San Francisco is at least a little better. Like maybe he’ll get OUTSIDE the hotel. And maybe she’ll let Bacon come along for a ride on the trolley party?

But until then, Bacon will just have watch internet porn on Kristabella’s computer while she’s at work and “Tempt A Vegan.”

Category: All Things Blogging, Bacon | 16 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on April 30, 2008

The first-ever contest here on Kristabella! And I have my reasons! 

1) I’m fighting this weird exhaustion thing where I cannot get enough sleep. And no, it isn’t from Vegas. It’s actually been going on since before Vegas and I’ve been ignoring it like I do most things – the dishes, the laundry, the unpacking of the suitcase, the cats. But just like everything else, this exhaustion has reached a point where I can’t ignore it anymore. Like the cats and their incessant meowing because WHAT? You want food or something? 

2) Not only was I gone all weekend and NOT on the computer at all, I also have either been spending my time sleeping (see above) or at Cubs games. We had a suite on Tuesday night with work people and it was awesome. This was the view from our box. Jealousy, you has it.

Wednesday night I went again with some other work people. How awesome are these seats? It is like living in a dream world for me to work for a company that is in Chicago and actually has these tickets at the snap of their fingers.

Granted, have I mentioned the temperature at these two games hovered in the 30s? With winds whipping off the lake enough to give you wind-burned skin? I should not be wearing a hat, gloves and a wool coat on the last day of April. Ever. My toes are still gaining feeling.

3) Jen Lancaster’s new book is coming out next week! And I’m going to the book signing! And have I told you that I’M MENTIONED IN THE BOOK? No? Well, I AM! For reals. She told me herself out of her own lips.

So in honor of Jen’s third book, Such A Pretty Fat, coming out on May 6, I’m giving away two signed copies to two random commenters. TWO! Because I’m a giver like that. And because have I mentioned my name is in the book? And that she also mentions my book club? Dudes, how exciting is that? 

All you have to do is leave a comment on this post between now and Monday, May 5 to be entered into the random drawing. It may help to randomly tell me how pretty I am and that I’m awesome and oh so witty and bright! 

You can only enter once. As much as I’d like 300 comments on this post, I don’t want to really write Candy’s name out 100 of those times when I put all your names into a hat and have Bacon pick two winners out. 

Also, if you’re planning on going to a Jen Lancaster signing in your town, please don’t enter. Give people a chance that won’t get the fabulous opportunity to meet her in person! And see her sweat chardonnay.

But you all should feel free to leave me comments about how awesome I am anyway.

Good luck!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Contests | 59 Comments »
Tags: