Mary Jane, I Am Not In Love With You

Posted By on May 20, 2009

So as I was driving home this evening, I had to stop at the pet store. Because I had another cat pee incident last night, after getting home from an awesome evening with Hotfessional. I saw that little bitch of a cat sniffing around the laundry basket. I watched her, waiting to see if she was going to squat to pee and she didn’t. Yay for small victories, right?

WRONG. Because I went over to check out the laundry and I got a whiff of piss. And then I looked at the grey pants I was wearing on Monday, the pants on top of the pile, and they had stains all over them. She apparently drank the entire bowl of water and then expelled it all over my pants.

But anyway, I’m not here to talk about that. Because Ali said today that her pet peeve is people talking about their cats and clearly this was her way of telling me to STOP TALKING ABOUT MY CATS AND THEIR URINE. (Click the link to see the tiniest feet ever!)

Anyway, as I was driving for the 10th time to Petco in as many days, I started thinking about the pot smokers from my old place. I drove past something in a forest preserve that smelled oddly of pot and I thought “boy, do I not miss those fuckers one bit.” And then I started thinking some more and I was like “you know what? I don’t have the night time munchies as much now either.”

Coincidence? I think not.

Now granted, it is probably all in my head. And I’ve also been way busier in my new place than I was pre-move at the old place. I’m still settling in here and unpacking and cleaning up cat piss (I AM SORRY ALI! I CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!) And it’s spring in Chicago which means for some reason, I’m busier and have things to do after work besides going to the pet store. (Which is probably part of the reason why there is so much cat pee. Because she’s a bitch like that.) But anyway, there is a lot less right-before-bedtime eating going on.

See, I always just figured the fact that I was ALWAYS hungry at 11 PM at the old place was because I was still up at 11 PM. And my body was like “FOOD TIME NOW! We’ve gone hours with no food!” (This actually goes a long way in explaining why my pants don’t fit.) But seriously, even when I was trying to be so good and eating sensibly all day, all of a sudden, come 10 PM, I was STARVING. Which, coincidentally,  is also the time the friends of the pot heads started coming round and ringing the WRONG BUZZER.

At the old place, just about the time I was finishing up my blog post for the evening (yes I set it to post later than I write it! Huzzah! Blogging secrets revealed!), I would ransack the kitchen cabinets for anything and everything I could find. String cheese? YES PLEASE! String cheese covered in peanut butter and then dipped in pudding! GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

So I would just snack and snack and snack. In my head I was like “at least I’m snacking on something healthy.” But really, dumbass, when you eat a half-jar of peanut butter, that is not doing you any favors. Especially since you’re going right to bed.

But this week, so far, I’ve noticed a change. I’ve eaten a sensible dinner, the same dinner I would have made in the apartment and here we are, 10 PM, and I’m still full. I have no desire to break open the peanut butter jar. In fact, the peanut butter has sat unopened in my cupboard since Sunday. THAT NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! Seriously, I had to STOP buying peanut butter.

I’m sure there are other factors. Stress over cat pee, stress over the fact I’m stimulating the economy all by myself through my purchases at Target and the fact that I’ve made so many trips to the store on my way home from work that I don’t eat dinner until much later.

But whatever, I’m so blaming it on the pot heads. Because words can not express the joy in my heart at the mere fact that I do not have to live above them any more.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


18 Responses to “Mary Jane, I Am Not In Love With You”

  1. Deidre says:

    The munchies! it makes all the sense! 🙂

    I am so sorry about the cat pee – it’s alright, I can’t stop talking about how unfortunate facial hair is.

    Deidres last blog post..Environmental Wednesday: No, seriously what’s the point?

  2. Julienne says:

    You and Ross Rebagliati! haha.

    And that sucks about the cat. I’m considering getting one but you’re making me nervous!

    Juliennes last blog post..Bros before hos.

  3. pseudostoops says:

    I dated a guy once who lived in a pot-smoking den (5 guys, 1 bathroom, 6 bowls, 2 bongs). They lived on the top floor of their building, which I now appreciate was a good thing- I never even considered their poor neighbors!

    pseudostoopss last blog post..Fitness Foibles: Stealth Tooter Edition

  4. -R- says:

    I don’t like cats, but you don’t talk about them too much. If you start posting pictures of them in costumes, THAT will be too much.

    -R-s last blog post..Falling Apart

  5. Rhi says:

    I think you might be on to something. And, my neighbors TOTALLY are pot heads. I’m going to refrain from breathing at all if I smell their stench.

    Rhis last blog post..But on the other hand

  6. Christina says:

    It makes sense, no pot = no munchies. Sorry about the cat “accidents”

    Christinas last blog post..Back down

  7. “The Case of the Missing Munchies” – nice work, Nancy Drew.

    I say keep up the cat chat. Not only do I do the same, but I throw dog chat into the mix too; guys just eat that stuff up.

    Legallyblondemels last blog post..Vintage Travel Photos, Slim Aarons Style

  8. Amber says:

    Ooh, pot smoking by proxy! I bet there are some people who’d pay extra for your old appartment just for that added “benefit”!

    Sorry to hear about the cat pee. Having been on the receiving end of similar dog pee incidents waaay too many times to count, I feel your pain.

    Ambers last blog post..Being child-free makes you “cold, calculating, sad and mad”, apparently

  9. Alice says:

    I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM WITH MY CAT. it’s incredibly annoying, and smells SO BAD, and i am sick of doing laundry EVERY DAY to wash whatever he’s found to pee on that day. and i didn’t even just move, so he has no right to be pissed. (ha. pissed. NOT FUNNY.)

    Alices last blog post..TMI Thursday: my underwear needs to come with instructional videos

  10. Angella says:

    True confession: I set every one of my posts to publish later.

    Happy for you that the munchies have been curbed 😉

  11. jen says:

    Now wouldn’t it be a damned shame if the reason the cat is peeing all over your stuff is because she’s not high anymore…

  12. lainey says:

    Maybe your kitty can’t find/doesn’t like where you have the litter box now? We had a problem with our cat doing this and I just added an extra (I know, it sucks to clean out one already) litter box and it really help.

  13. Sheri says:

    I’m glad you aren’t getting high anymore. LOL

    Sheris last blog post..Oh Hell, I Dunno!!! I’ll Call This Mom Behaving Badly

  14. My cat pissed on my antique oriental rug and I never go the smell out

    The Peach Tarts last blog post..You Love Me…You Really Love Me… I Got Accepted by the Junior League

  15. Sara says:

    So, does the scale like that the pot smokers are gone?

    Saras last blog post..Boy sticks 43 snails to his face

  16. ali says:

    was NOT about you, woman! fucking hilarious posts about cats are allowed. it’s only the LOOKATMYCAT! ISN’T HE AWESOME? that i can’t handle…

    alis last blog post..the phrase “pet peeve” is totally a pet peeve of mine

  17. TUWABVB says:

    I think munchies by osmosis is a plausible issue.

    And I’m so sorry about the cat pee – it takes a long time for animals to adjust. I think our dogs just settled in to our apartment and now we are looking for a house. Fun times.

    TUWABVBs last blog post..A Bed, A Sandwich and Manbug

  18. regan says:

    Maybe I should invite some coke heads to live with me after the baby is born so I can lose some weight. I mean if potheads cause weight gain, then logically coke heads should help me lose it, right?