Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on December 9, 2006

Last Saturday night, I went to the movies! I know, you’re thinking “who cares and why does it deserve an exclamation point?” (I mean except for the fact the I end EVERY sentence with an exclamation point! Dammit!)

I don’t go to the movies a lot. I used to. Back when it was reasonable. Now my month’s worth of Netflix is the same price as ONE movie.

Back in college, especially freshman year, I would go to the theatre every Thursday. And usually Friday and Saturday too. Sharm and I would walk up to Harkins on Mill every Thursday night. And we saw a lot of good movies. And a lot of bad movies. We were just discussing this and I think we both agree Feeling Minnesota takes top prize for worst movie we saw in college. And I think we only saw it because 1) Keanu Reeves was in it and 2) Sharm is from Minnesota. Bad decision, hindsight.

So Saturday night, Schwerer and I went to see The Holiday. It was like a sneak preview or something because it didn’t open until yesterday. Lots of good actors – Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law and Jack Black. Ed Burns is even in it for a few minutes. And any minutes where you get to see Ed Burns are good minutes.

It was REALLY good! I was really impressed. I think after The Break Up experience, I had lost hope in movies that should be good on paper. I wasn’t expecting much. But it was really good! Seriously! Go out and SEE IT!!! (look, I’m not giving up the exclamation points! OR MY CAPS LOCK!)

I know a few people who don’t like Jude Law. They don’t see him as attractive. And I don’t get it. I mean, he looks like a little guy and skinny and I know a lot of girls want guys bigger than them. But Jude is just so fucking yummy! I mean, that smile. Those blue eyes. And the accent! He just oozes charm! OOZES! Love. Him!

Now I know I said it doesn’t take much for me to be entertained. So please keep that in mind regarding my review. But I am a sucker for a good love story. And something with a happy ending, especially when said ending = girl gets boy. It’s why I read chick lit. The endings are always the same. It’s always a good ending and the chick always ends up with who she is supposed to.

And especially around the holidays. When you’re single. It’s like 2 hours where you can escape your life and pretend that you will walk out the door and run into Mr. Right (who will look like Jude Law) and you’ll have a few missteps, but at the 120-minute mark, you’ll realize you both love each other and live happily ever after bitches! YEAH!

Anyway, it was a good movie. Kate Winslet was great. And so was Jack Black. At first I was thinking, how could you possibly think we’ll believe a romance between Kate & Jack. I mean, Jack Black is one funny-ass dude, but as a love interest for Kate Winslet? She’s beautiful. And he’s a little funny looking. But he did a great job. He was funny, but not overly, nowhere close to like Saving Silverman funny, but subtly. And it was cute and charming and I could so see those two together. And it was what she needed.

And there was this cute story line with Kate and the next door neighbor, who was this old Hollywood writer from back in the early days of Tinseltown. And he was great. He had this really interesting line where he told her that she needs to start being the leading lady of her own life and stop being the best friend. And I thought it was a really good piece of advice. (albeit from a movie) I think a lot of women are supporting roles in their own lives. They don’t make the moves, just sit back and wait and aren’t confident enough to take charge of their own lives. I full on admit to being guilty of this in my own life. And I thought it was a great way to put it. Really makes you think and realize that every woman SHOULD be the leading lady and don’t deserve to be the supporting actress to any man.

Overall a feel good movie. And I highly recommend you all see it. I give it two pitchforks up!

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Posted By Kristabella on December 8, 2006

So I got up this morning like I do most Fridays. THIRTY MINUTES EARLY. See we have weekly meetings on Friday mornings at 7:30. Well, they aren’t really meetings. Basically, someone brings in doughnuts or coffee cake and we all sit around the conference table and just bullshit for like an hour. I actually enjoy the meetings. And it’s easy to talk my boss into letting me leave at 4:30 on Fridays when I got in at 7:30.

So I got up, got ready, was running 10 minutes late like normal, and braved the butt-ass, freeze-your-nose hairs-make-you-tear-up-like-a-little-girl cold and went to my car. Stuck the key in. Turned it. And you know what? The God damned thing wouldn’t start! I pushed the clutch in as far as it would go. Stepped on the gas. Turned the key some more. Nothing. NOTHING! NUH-THING!

So pissed off as hell, I march my ass BACK up to my house to call my insurance company. I don’t have triple A, but I have some sort of road side assistance thing that I pay for and God dammit, I’m going to use it! They tell me they’ll send a tow truck as soon as they can to give me a jump. So I wait. And wait. And call the witch I work with to tell her I’ll be late and I don’t know what time I’ll be in. And then I wait some more.

Finally, Tow Truck Man comes and gives me a jump. My car takes the jump and I drive it to the AutoZone down the street. I see that “Free Battery Testing” sign every day when I pass it and damn right I’m going to take them up on it!

So they test it and it’s fine. Who the hell knows why it didn’t work this morning. I think my car is rebelling about its second winter. It wants to go back to California. And when it’s 1 outside, so do I, Car. So do I.

And you know what?? I’m totally just fucking KIDDING! This was my excuse for my interview this morning! How awesome is that? Yeah. It was so awesome until the CEO asked me if they checked my alternator to see why my battery was losing juice. FUCK. ME.

But I think they bought it. And you know what? It doesn’t even fucking matter! Because I am almost positive I won’t be working here much longer!

The interview went awesome! The Big Whig guy I met with was so cool. And he made me really relaxed from the very beginning, which means I got to be myself. Which means, who in the world wouldn’t want to hire me? So it was almost a formality.

I also met with Chicago Office Big Boss again, and he was pretty excited about everything. But they have their holiday party today/tonight, so I won’t hear from them until Monday.

And the recruiter I got this interview through, she talked to them and said they are drafting up an offer letter. So I should have it early next week. Which you know what that means?

No. More. Dirt!

(Hopefully. I mean, it’s not official yet. So maybe I shouldn’t have posted it on my blog? Oh well. It’s just so damned exciting!)

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Posted By Kristabella on December 7, 2006

So remember how I’m going on and on about writing every day? That NaBloPoMo shit and all that? And I have. Yes, it’s just the 7th, but I have made an attempt to write every day. So yesterday, I spent a big chuck of my afternoon (while I was waiting for Excel charts to drop into the oh-so-important shareholder meeting PowerPoint presentation. Don’t you just want my job?) doing that stupid survey. And I hit publish before I left work yesterday to go hang out with Noah and Skyler (and Mike and Kim.)

This morning I go on and what in God’s name is going on and why isn’t my stupid meme post there??? So I go in to check to see if the computer ate it. It didn’t. There it was in my post history. So I hit publish again. And viola! There it is. With yesterday’s date on it?

What in the sam hell is going on here?

But I know you all could care less, but for my sake, I wanted to let you all know that I did actually write and post that yesterday. And have no idea why WordPress decided to censor me.

And I know this post was completely unnecessary, but I wanted to just bitch and moan about how much I hate my current job. (Because I can!) I am SO looking forward to that interview tomorrow and really hope I nail it and can come in here some day soon and be all “Shove it, bitches!” (Which, we all know I won’t do because A) I have no balls and B) I don’t want to burn bridges and C) I really am too nice and don’t want people to hate me.)

I have not slept well most nights this week, worrying about all this job stuff and thinking about stuff I really should get done before I possibly don’t work here anymore. Because, again, I’m nice and don’t want to screw people. Well, that all ended this morning. I came in and the witch who sits next to me got some sort of bug up her ass and decided to clean out the closet. And was bitching at me about all the stuff in there and how I have to get rid of it. So I pretty much said, “It’s not bothering me, but if you want to mail it somewhere, be my guest.”

So now, the less I do, the more she’ll have to do if/when I’m gone.

And no, I’m so not even putting the cart before the horse. OK, I am. But I feel good about this. Wish me luck internet people! Because if I’m still stuck here, I will go bat-shit crazy on everyone’s ass.

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Posted By Kristabella on December 5, 2006

So while I was checking out the NaBloPoMo site, I was looking at what they had to offer. I mean, I know the month is over, but I wanted to see what I could have won if I participated. There were some good prizes. I should have participated! Because I am all about free shit! And not shy about it.

So on that site, they mention a book called Nobody Cares What You Had For Lunch: 100 Ideas For Your Blog. And the idea of it is pretty cool. So I thought about buying it online, and it was like $20. Hell to the no!

But I was intrigued. So in part of my holiday shopping this evening, I needed to stop at Borders. I give books as gifts. You all need to become as smart as me. So expect a book. Or a lump of coal. (Rich)

So I decided to check out said book. And you know what? It’s a bunch of hooey! Yeah, I said it. Hooey! HOO-EEY!

Apparently there are lots of idiot bloggers out there. I mean, since I joined WordPress over a month ago, they’ve added over 20,000 blogs. TWENTY THOUSAND! And apparently, some of them write like about what they did during the day. Like a timeline. Of uninteresting stuff. And Ms. Maggie Mason apparently takes issue with this.

If you’re a good writer, which is why most people start blogging, it’s a great way to express yourself using the written word. And if you’re good at it, people will read about anything. Seriously. Like a rant about a book about blogging. Like I’m talking about here. Don’t believe me? Check out this. (I actually encourage you to check out her blog often. I like it. I like it a lot.) (And that piece of dryer lint? So looks like my kitty.)

I appreciated some of the things I saw in the book, but most were just common sense. I mean, draw back on your childhood. Write about your kids/nieces/nephews/neighbors. Ask questions of your audience. All good ideas. And a good blogger should probably have some of these things in mind when they start writing. Or not. It’s your blog, do the hell what you want with it. If you want to write about your lunch? Do it! If you want to write a timeline of your most utterly boring day? Do it! If you want to wax poetically about your cheese omelet? DO IT! I would hope that every blogger started their blog for themselves. Who cares what other people think about what you write? Fuck ’em!

And mostly, I’m just a jealous bitch and wish I was smart enough to write a book like that and charge TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS for it.

Instead, you get to hear me rant. And tell you tomorrow I will be having a samich for lunch. Stay tuned!

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Posted By Kristabella on December 4, 2006

So ever since I started this here lovely piece of blogtastic work, I am a freak when it comes to ideas for posts.

I have a small spiral notebook in my purse. It’s been in there since about February 2005, after I got laid off FIRED. It was part of a going away present. I’ve used it from time to time, because there are times when you need a piece of paper. (I also always have at least one pen in my purse at ALL times. My guy Kirk told me early on in my “career” that a good PR person always has a pen. And ever since then, I always have a pen. Thanks Chief!) But mostly, this sad notebook just sat there in my purse.

Until I started blogging. Now, everything is documented. It’s like the reporter I never wanted to be has come out of me. Actually, it’s more like the tank loads of alcohol I’ve consumed in my lifetime have started to catch up with me. It’s killed off the underachieving brain cells and went right to brain cells that retain information. And my DVR might have something to do with it. Attention span of a gnat, I tell ya.

Seriously. If I don’t write it down, I don’t remember. At least I know this about myself. Once, my boss asked me to do something, while I was on my lunch break. I didn’t write it down and it completely slipped my mind. I did remember on my way home and attempted to turn around, but have you ever seen the traffic going Westbound on Lake Cook Road? It’s a sonofabitch! So my half-hearted attempt ended quickly. Because let’s face it, I hate my job. And they don’t pay me enough to turn around and sit in traffic. I sit in enough traffic already.

Why am I telling you this? Because sometimes I write notes about something, thinking that it will be a good post and it really just ends at that one note. Turns out to be a whole lot of nothing. Or I’m drunk when I write it and it’s not funny in the morning. Like most things in life.

Like the note from the night before Thanksgiving. When I went out with some friends. You know, ’cause it’s like the second biggest drinking night of the year! Behind New Year’s Eve! Woo hoo! PAR-TAY BITCHES! And I noticed these girls order Bud Lights. With limes in them! Weird, right? But then there isn’t much more to this story than me saying “Maybe they’re Mexican and since Americans put limes in Mexican beers, they put limes in American beers.” They didn’t appear to be Mexican. And I called it an early night. Because I’m old!

Tonight I noticed a guy in the car next to me with something hanging from his rearview mirror. Not all that surprising. Until I took a closer look. And it was (wait for it, wait for it) a raccoon tail! Like off a ‘coon skin cap! The sorts fashioned by Daniel Boone. Or is it Davey Crockett?

I think it is Davey Crockett. It has to be. Because remember that one episode of The Simpsons? When Mr. Burns puts on a human brain as a hat and says “Look, Smithers. I’m Davey Crockett.” Heeheeheehee.

And if it is on The Simpsons, it is therefore true. Except for when Ned Flanders made that crack about ASU. But Ned Flanders is so fiddle-ly full of shittle-ly shit. Suck that, Neighborino!

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