Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on January 11, 2007

So I didn’t write last night because I was out with $tabone. (Which, by the way, for inquiring minds, is for Richard Stabone. Which is the full name of the character Boner on Growing Pains. (Hehe, I said boner.) When asked why he uses the dollar sign? “Just for a little flare.”) (He may not have said flare. But it’s funnier that way.)

So we met up for some drinks. Because, really? That’s the only thing we know how to do together. Seriously. So we started at ESPN Zone and then ended up at (surprise, surprise) the hotel bar! It was packed in there. I had beer after beer after beer. And tried (not wholeheartedly per se) to go home numerous times. Finally. FINALLY, at 12:45 in the MORNING, I got in a cab. With Creepy McGee cab driver. Which, maybe it was better to stay and drink. I got in the car and told Creepy McCreeperson my address. I was met with? Silence. What seemed like five minutes later, Creeptatic told me to move to the other side of the back seat. (Let me just point out that even after large quantities of beer, I still found this so weird that I A) texted myself the cab number, in case I got abducted or something (I was drunk. Don’t question the logic.) and B) located the lock and was a split second from the door handle at all times, in case I had to do the emergency tuck and roll out of the car. On Lake Shore Drive.) (Again, don’t question the logic.)

Mr. Creepy didn’t get any better when he dropped me off. I paid him and he was all staring in the backseat at me with this weird look. I’m telling you people. You heard it here first. Cab number 6144 has a mass murderer driving it. (Or I may have a tendency to overreact.) But let’s all breathe a sigh of relief that I am OK and in one piece. Amen.

Today at work the GM was doing the signature “two and two” hand gesture made famous by Chuck Woolery. I don’t know what he was talking about. He had just brought in fresh-baked cookies for us, so I was drooling over the chocolaty goodness. So I say “did you know that Chuck Woolery has that trademarked?” (I did hear this on the Game Show Network. I’m not saying it’s true, but I did hear it. Sober.) And he’s all “has what trademarked?” And I’m all “I’m not sure if it’s the gesture or the saying or the combination of the two.” And he’s all “Who is Chuck Woolery?”

ME: HA!

(insert long pause)

HIM: No really. Who is Chuck Woolery? Some sort of sports guy?

ME: (cricket, cricket…)

ME: Seriously?

HIM: Yeah

ME: The game show host? From Love Connection?

HIM: We’re from different age groups you know.

ME: (cricket, cricket, cricket)

And then I went back to work. Because I had nothing to say. I was completely speechless. Do we live in a world where people in their mid-40s don’t know Chuck Woolery? What kind of world is this?

One I don’t want to live in. That’s for damn sure.

Shortly after that, my boss and I had a meeting and she told me all about the company and the history, etc. Apparently GM was a consultant his whole life, getting sent on jobs that took him away from his family for months and years (YEARS!) at a time. Which is why he’s not doing that anymore. And I realized at that moment, I’m glad I’m out of football and worlds where people actually work so many hours and live to work, not work to live and make their entire lives their jobs so much so that they lose touch with reality. Like not knowing who the fuck Chuck Woolery is. And it is not worth it. Life is about TV and game shows and friends and family and cookies.

And you can trademark that, bitches!

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Posted By Kristabella on January 9, 2007

I don’t want to write. I don’t have anything to write about. So why am I doing it? Because life is all about doing things you don’t want to do. Like waking up early every day to go to work. Would I rather sleep until noon every day and eat piles of burritos, cheese fries and pizza? Yes. But I can’t. Because I’d be dead.

Work is fine. This isn’t going to be some post about how, day two, already hate it. I’m a little bored, but that’s to be expected. That and my boss wasn’t in today. So I had to keep myself occupied. Which I’m damn good at doing, if I do say so myself. But from my two days I know that when I actually know what the fuck I’m doing, I’ll have tons to do. Goooooood.

But these people stay late. And you know how it is when you start. You don’t want to be that girl that leaves at 5 like this is just some 9-5 job. But, well, for me it is right now. And I want to leave at 5. Actually today, I did much better than yesterday. I got in at 8:30, so a full day would have been until 5:30. But I left at 6. So not too bad. And I got home before 7, so I’m totally loving the train thing.

The Dunkin Donuts ladies know my order. I walked in today and they’re all “medium with cream.” (I’m so going to start introducing myself like this. “Hi, Bob. I’m Medium With Cream. Nice to meet you.”) And they always ask if you want cream and sugar. And I’m a fucking control freak. So I always say no sugar. One, because I don’t want sugar. I want 2 Sweet N’ Lows. And two, I figure they don’t have any Sweet N’ Lows to put in and they’ll put in sugar. And I DON’T WANT SUGAR! But my new friends are all “I’ll put that in for you next time.” I have friends for life. Friends that feed me coffee. Just how I like it. Caffeine is like a free ride to friendship. Unless I don’t like you. Then just give me free coffee and be on your way.

I made that pasta dish thingy tonight. It was okay. It was a Weight Watchers recipe. But it was pretty tasty for low-fat. It was just really bland. So it needs more salt. And it calls for 5 cups (!) of spinach leaves, which they say will wilt in the heat of the sauce. (Seems reasonable. I’ve had dishes with wilty spinach in it.) But? Five cups of spinach is a lot of damn spinach! So? No wilting. Which, then it’s like a spinach salad with some pasta in it. Weird. And pine nuts? Taste like dirty feet.

(Dude, I’m a little cranky right now, aren’t I? This wasn’t meant to be Rant-a-saurus Rex.)

Tomorrow Rich, sorry $tabone, comes to town. So I’m supposed to meet him out tomorrow night. But he won’t be downtown until like 7:30 or so. So it looks like I’m either working late. Or drinking early. By myself. They’ll be other people in the bar.

And now, I must go to bed. Because we have an eight o’clock meeting tomorrow morning. And that’s earlier than I’ve been up in a long time. I haven’t been on time for a job since, well, um, maybe it was that one time. I bet I was on time for my first day at the Niners. July of 1999. I’m about due for a repeat performance.

Apparently I did have something to write. And by something, I mean crap.

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Posted By Kristabella on January 8, 2007

I am back in the world of the working.

Today was my first day at new job. And it was a good day. The biggest complaint I have? (I mean, who I am I kidding? I have to rant first.) I have a laptop, not a desktop. (No, that’s not my complaint.) But it’s all small text and teeny tiny icons and shit. I feel like I’m about 100 years old. I’m squinting all day. And I have the world’s worst headache. And it’s like this weird shit where you can’t get e-mail unless you log into the server in Seattle, which brings up a whole other desktop, that you can’t configure and can’t change the damn size of anything! (I know…blah, blah, blah, I have a fucking headache. And am old.)

But it was a great day. I mean I have a laptop. That I can take home. And blog. From anywhere.

Our office is like an open office. Like on The Office. (I just won a contest for the amount of times I can say office in one office-rific sentence.) So it’s really cool. There’s only about 10 people in the actual office. All the others are consultants. And work other places. But my co-workers? They are young. And chatty. And hilarious! I’m going to fit in well.

But I totally have to hone my skills of being the public transportation commuter. I fumbled like Ricky Williams (AKA Small Girly Hand Man) (TM-ish Jim Mora) (And NO, it’s not Jr. He’s not a Junior! They have different middle names.) And I have to stand. Few things I learned. Don’t take coffee in the AM if you want to drink it on the train. Because you’re gonna have to stand and you’ll probably just get it all over you. Don’t bring coffee in the AM if you want to drink it and read the paper. That’s not easy to do sitting, let alone damn near fucking impossible when you’re standing. Unless, again, you want it all over you. Also, it’s hot on the train. And cold outside. Not fun.

And I also noticed these trendy bitches who were wearing heels. Not gym shoes, like me. And I felt a little stupid. And completely frumpy. Until I started walking the four blocks to my job. And there were random patches of ice (I said it was cold, bitches!) and was just waiting for one of those bitches to eat it. It didn’t happen. And I’m still going to wear my gym shoes. And flip flops in the summer. Because comfort comes first, skanks.

My company is based out of Seattle. They have like whole floors of people there. So everything runs through there. And the Chicago people I work with, they don’t know much. It is a little irritating because it was all “sign on to your computer and let’s get going.” That’s about all I got. I had some forms to fill out. But no health insurance info. Apparently there’s a “checklist” on the extranet, which I found. So I’m getting there. Part of me likes the freedom, but part of me wanted to yell “it’s my first day, tell me what to dooooooo!” (Wah wah)

Like this trip in a few weeks. They’re all “just buy your tix.” And I’m supposed to stay for an extra few days for orientation, yet no one really knows the details of this, like what day can I come back? I’m far too anal to just, like, wing it. But big boss man from Seattle is in tomorrow. So I’m hoping he can give me the scoop. And tell me my title. So I can order business cards. I think. No one’s really said anything about that. Will check extranet tomorrow.

(Oh, and it doesn’t help that the Office Manager, who would know all this shit, is out of the office this week.)

But I know these things will be the things I LOVE in a few weeks when I get the hang of everything. It’s completely opposite from my last job. And the hours are completely flexible. I mean, get in when you want, leave when you want. For the most part. And? I got free coffee and free lunch today.

Overall? This is a great, great move. And I have to go now. Because my head is going to explode. Or my eyeballs might just pop right out of the socket. And you thought the mushrooms were disgusting.

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Posted By Kristabella on January 7, 2007

So for Christmas this year, I bought my mom tickets to a play. Well, musical. It’s not that original. Last Christmas (I gave you my heart and the very next day, you gave it away) I got her tickets to see Wicked. Which, by the way is AWESOME! I encourage all of you who have not seen it to go out and see it when it comes to a city near you. Or I shall beat you. With a two-by-four. Or feather. Your choice.

So this year, I got her tickets to go see The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. I didn’t have much to choose from when I bought tickets. Most of the awesome musicals coming to town in 2007 aren’t on sale yet. And the only other option was The Color Purple. And I really didn’t want to see that. And turns out, Mom didn’t want to either.

So I didn’t know much about this show. I mean, I heard it got awesome reviews, won a lot of Tonys, but seriously? About a spelling bee?

Well, I’m here to tell you it was fan-flippin-tastic people! It was fucking hilarious! It is a must see!

(And they even pick people out of the audience (volunteers, I’m sure, but I don’t know how you go about it) to be part of the show. We had a dude who was doing really awesome. Like longer than he should have been. So they gave him like xerophthalmiology to spell. (I don’t think that’s really a word. Just something they make up to get the jackass off the stage.)

And even better? They throw out free candy to the audience. I didn’t get any (frown) (Mostly because I thought it would be rude to throw down with the bitch in front of me.) But Mom did find some on the ground when we were leaving (they were wrapped in plastic, people) and I took them. I am all about candy! Sour. Patch. Kids. (Am really 7 years old.)

And we sat in front of a Russian princess and her cousin, the Czar-ness. They were both in full-length mink coats. And make-up that had to be painted on. Like starting at 10 this morning. And the Princess had a fan. Not like a it-was-so-hot-in-here-I’m-folding-up-my-Playbill-into-a-fan fan. A real, honest to goodness fan. Where on earth does a bitch get one of those? A FAN!

And also today? I got my hair did. It looks cute. Same old cut that I’ve had (because I like it) but no more roots. And she added some low-lights. Which look really nice. I tried taking photos of myself in the mirror, but they all turned out stupid. You couldn’t see the low lights. Or I looked like a zombie. See?

Take me to your leader. And look at me in my pretty $6.99 top. Don’t I have nice cleavage?

It’s not as easy as it seems, people. Oh, and I look like shit. But am not drunk.

OK. Kinda see the low-lights? Do you even know what low-lights are? Do you even care?

(The things I do now that I have a blog. Yesterday I took a photo of my cat sitting on my semi-damp underwear that was sitting out to dry. But then decided, I didn’t want my underwear on the internet. Yet.)

And also today? My car went over 120,000 miles. Just in time. To sit on the street all day. Because I’m taking the train, bitches!

Oh, and we went to Bakers Square for dinner. And I know what you’re thinking. “Man, what an awesome daughter you are to take your mom to a Broadway musical and dinner at Bakers Square!”

Actually, it’s because the company that owns my old company, they give out $50 gift cards to Bakers Square as holiday gifts. Fifty dollars to Bakers Square. That’s a lot of fucking pie.

So, since I’m a little, um, short on funds right now. Because of the no paycheck thing. And mom isn’t rolling in the dough either, we went there. Because really? Who doesn’t like a free meal? That includes PIE! And, being the excellent granddaughter I am, I sent two pieces of pie home for Gram.

And I still have $12 left on that damn gift card! (And $15 on the one from last year. Pie anyone?)

But pie = good. Especially the Chocolate Peanut Butter pie I had. Oh you heard right. Chocolate. Peanut. Butter. Pie. Fan-fucking-tastic!

And on a completely different and vomit-inducing note. I’m attempting to make a pasta dish for dinner this week. It’s pasta with wild mushrooms, spinach and pine nuts. And it called from some cremini mushrooms. Which? I don’t know what they are. And thanks to Google, I’m thoroughly disgusted by all the nasty ass looking mushrooms out there.

See for yourself. Ewwwwwww…

Come for the food, stay for the pie. Vomit when you see mushrooms that look like an ear.

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Posted By Kristabella on January 5, 2007

I am trying to make my week off very productive. I mean, I’ve made it through 2 discs of my Match Game DVD set. Spent countless hours shopping. I even spent yesterday inside doing house-holdy stuff. I balanced my checkbook, did some filing, washed the dishes. Yay me!

(You might want to just stop reading now. It’s not getting any better than this.)

So today, I met Schwerer for lunch. By her work. Since only me and the Chicago Public School kids have this week off. And the homeless. After lunch, I went and returned something to the Gap, did some more shopping and spent too much money. That I don’t have. Because I am into day five of unemployment. But I did find a dress for Betsey & Hoddy’s wedding. Isn’t it cute? Looks good on me. And was on sale! Woo! Hoo!

And then I got home, beating traffic (Woo to the motherfucking hoo!) and decided to do some laundry. Because my jeans are about ready to get up and walk the hell out of the apartment. And I don’t mind the act of doing laundry. I like to have clean clothes. What I hate is that I have to walk up and down three fucking flights of stairs to get to and from the laundry room. It can become a pain in the arse. (My arse, which should be smaller from all the stair climbing, but is not because I eat 3 bowls of ice cream as a “reward.”)

When I went down to get the 2 loads out of the dryer, the one was still damp. So I shook my fist and yelled obscenities at that non-drying-dollar-charging-where’s-the-Maytag-man-when-you-need-him piece of crap. (If it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaap!) (Our waitress today was Scottish, lassie.) And I didn’t have my laundry card with me. (And don’t get me started on those damn cards that I can only get money added to during office hours, which is 9-5 Monday through Friday. No one is home then. NO ONE!) And really, I’m not going to spend an extra $1 on this stuff to dry it again. Lame. So it’s drying in my room. I will wear wet underwear if I have to. Or no underwear.

And this? Is the highlight of my day. Well, that’s a lie. Lunch with Schwerer was the highlight. Because interaction. With people. Who are not strangers. I am not a phone person and find myself craving to talk to people. Even people I don’t like. I will be so glad to get back to work. If only for the newness and hopefully much better posts than this week. I mean, I like sleeping in and all, but I need interaction with people. And not e-mailing and phone. I need to see people. Would be not good with the working from home thing.

Plus, once I’m back at work, I’m sure I will say something stupid that will be yet another hilarious post. Or I’m hoping the homeless on the train will provide some good fodder. Otherwise I may have to tell you all about my dealings with cat puke this week.

Step away from the computer.

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